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Random Access Humor Vol 1 Nr 06
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The Electronic Humor Magazine
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Version 1 Release 6 September 1994
Editor: Dave Bealer
Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
Printed on 100% recycled electrons
Filmed before a virtual studio audience
Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Hollywood Is Doomed....................................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
The Second Year Isn't Any Easier...................................03
How I Spent My Summer Vacation.....................................05
The Incredible Shrinking Department................................11
1994 RAH Reader Survey - Final Results.............................13
The Twit Filter: News Releasers....................................14
RAH Humor Review: Toggle Booleans..................................15
RAH Humor Review: Last Action Hero.................................17
Announcements......................................................18
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............18
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3
Random Access Humor Page 1 September 1994
About Vaporware Communications
VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:
Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
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NOTICE to sysops in Oklahoma and similar bastions of progressive
thinking: This issue of RAH mentions body parts (such as hands and
feet) that may stir the prurient interests of the Thought Police in
your area (or any other area that can reach your area by telephone).
You bear full responsibility for any reaction the presence of this
material on your system may evoke from the Forces Of Goodness And
Right (Reformed). Have a nice day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mental Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 issue Servings Per Container 1
=====================================================================
Amount per serving
Ideas: 23 Ideas from fatheads: 5
=====================================================================
% daily value
Total fatheads: 2 15
Saturated fatheads: 1 24
Castor Oil: 0 0
Silliness: 11 110
Total Comic content: 51
Actual jokes: 37 73
Puns: 14 1145
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - Hollywood Is Doomed
by Dave Bealer
The movie rights to the shareware sensation _Doom_ have been
purchased by Ivan Reitman's production company. Charming. What's
next, _QEdit, The Motion Picture_? How about _Telix 2: Lack of
Judgement Day_? _The Mighty Desqviews_? The possibilities boggle
the mind. I'm calling my agent tomorrow to see if he can arrange a
cameo for me in _The Norton Utilities Take Manhattan_.
- - - -
Welcome to the Second Anniversary issue of Random Access Humor. We
had planned lots of special stuff for this issue. Unfortunately we
all goofed off for the entire summer, so you'll have to settle for
the usual low quality junk we sling at you month after month. {RAH}
Random Access Humor Page 2 September 1994
Lettuce to the Editor
Area: Internet Mail
Date: 06-23-94 22:03 (Private)
From: PETER.BASKWELL@DYNAMITE.COM
To: LETTUCE
Subject: John lennon
You sound alot like he did:)Big smile
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Peter,
Yeah, but I can't hold the high notes like he did (unless I wear my
shorts too tight).
DB
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Area: Fidonet Matr
Date: 06-09-94 07:54 (Private)
From: Giuliano Maciocci Jr
To: lettuce
Subject: The Clog has Gone
Hi There, Oh Glorious Dave, Holder of the Sacred Pen, Heir
of the Scroll of Demential Humour and Victorious Knight in
the Battle Against Bore!!
I just received the June issue of RAH, and was pretty glad
to notice that it has done nothing but improve. I missed
the previous issues thanks to a "E-Clog" which made us people
stranded in Zimbabwe "disappear" from the face of the
electronic world.
Anyway, I wanted to wish you success in whatever project
you may be involved in until September, and please watch
out for aliens. Too many people depend on you for their
sanity for you to just be abducted by some intergalactical
weirdo.
TTYL............Raver
[[[[ Giuliano Maciocci Jr -*- Maciocci2@Mango.apc.org ]]]]
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Raver,
Unfortunately while I was away the Sacred Pen started leaking
onto the Scroll of Demential Humor. I don't remember how the
Battle Against Bore turned out...must have fallen asleep in the
middle of it.
I'm glad you're connected again. I saw a few weirdos in
Florida, but none of them appeared "intergalactical." Most of
them looked retired, or at least tired.
DB
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Random Access Humor Page 3 September 1994
Area Rahuser, Aug-28-94 07:39PM
From: Dave Bealer
To: Kelly Price
Subject: OH NO!
KP> Yes, I must report that STriker Labs has learned of the
KP> existance of the WWIVnet Oracle. STriker Labs is
KP> investigating this to see if it's as funny as the
KP> Usenet Oracle.
Oddly enough I don't read the USENET Oracle anymore. There
was a time where there was at least one or two really funny
question/response pairings in each group of ten. Then it went
down to one or two good ones in three or four groups. Eventually
there was too much noise and too little signal, so I gave up.
I don't know exactly what caused the downslide in quality, but
I have a theory. The USENET Oracle may have become a victim of
its own success. Thousands of people are flooding onto the
Internet every day. "How to Connect to the Internet" and "What's
Hot on the Internet" are among the most popular types of computer
book titles these days. Nearly every one of these publications
mentions the USENET Oracle. Many of these newcomers send questions
or attempt to answer questions. Few of these people are genuinely
funny. The result is a general dilution of the humor level and
quality of the Oracle posts. Or maybe all the really funny people
who fueled the Oracle joke machine for the past few years graduated.
//Dave\\
- - - - - - - - - - - -
We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful
answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to:
Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net
FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions)
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Second Year Isn't Any Easier
by Greg Borek
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, students of all ages. Take your
seats please and for God's sake exercise some decorum out there!
That's better. Now, welcome to the first day of classes here at
Venerable Old University. As you know my name is...oh, er,
Flugelbottom, that's it, Dr. Horatio Flugelbottom. You may have
inferred by these gray locks that I've been teaching here for a
while. It's not terribly scientific for you to make wild assumptions
like that, but in this case your hypothesis would have been proven
correct. And, I'm proud to say, I've been teaching here since before
your parents were born.
Random Access Humor Page 4 September 1994
Now, let's get down to business. During this hour I will be
lecturing on..., oh what was it? Wait, I have it written down here
somewhere. Was it in this pocket? No, that's lunch. Oh, here it
is, let's see if I can make this out..."Inspected by Number 12."
"Inspected by Number 12?" What kind of fool name is that for a
class? Wait, that must not be it..., let's see, ah, here it is in my
other pocket: Intermittent Protracting Concerts. What? That can't
be correct. Let's see..., oh yes, it must be Intermediate
Programming Contempts. Contempts? No, no, no, concepts.
Intermediate Programming Concepts! A bit of work but we got there in
the end, didn't we?
Hello, people, wake up out there! I shall now be forced to take
attendance. Now where did I put that attendance list? Was it in
this pocket? No, that's lunch. Hold on. Here it is. Now, where
did I put my glasses? Has anyone seen my glasses? Come now, I had
them just a minute ago. Where could they have possibly...oh, here
they are sitting on my nose, pretty as you please. Someone could
have pointed that out, you know. Now let's see, where did I put that
list. What's this? OK, here we are. Is there a Mr. Insertion here?
No? Well, that's one mark off for him. How about a Mr. Shell? I'm
waiting. No? Well, we're not doing too well today. First day
jitters, I suppose. Mr. Bubble? What an odd name. No? Mr. Heap?
Mr. Radix? Mr. Quick? Could be an epidemic of something. Odd to
have so many people out of sorts.
We'll just have to struggle along with the brilliant young scholars
that did manage to turn up. Today's lecture will be a comparison of
various sorting algorithms. The topic is a particular favorite of
mine. Wait, now, let me find my list. Was it in this pocket? No,
that's lunch. What's over here? OK, got it. Ready? Some of the
various sorting routines we'll be discussing today are: a dozen eggs,
a quart of milk, a pound of sugar, pickles... Pickles? I don't seem
to be able to recall a pickle sort. I remember being in quite a
pickle once. It was back in the fall of '47. The entire math
department, well, the whole school if you really want to get down to
it... OK, well maybe not the English department but definitely the
whatchamacallit department needed at least six whosits to go with
their five thingamajigs. What a hoot! No one ever suspected! How
we did laugh! What fun...
How did I ever manage to get off on that tangent? Stop distracting
me. What was I lecturing about? Oh, yes, Operations research,
that's right. Now, given a set of linear constraint equations and an
objective function containing variables that will be maximized
subject to those constraint equations, we can use the simplex method
to reduce... Did I leave the lights on in the garage this morning
when I left? I'm not sure now. I also noticed that the door needed
to be painted again. It seems like I just painted that pesky door
the other day. Let's see, when was that? It definitely was during
the early part of the Eisenhower administration, I remember that
distinctly because...
Random Access Humor Page 5 September 1994
People, people, wake up out there! Please try and bend your mighty
intellects to the problem at hand. Now if we could please continue.
Returning to our implementation of balanced binary trees...
[Tuition went up again this year. - ed.] {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
by Dave Bealer
Reeling after two years of continuous writing and electronic
publishing, I intended to spend my two months off working on the
first draft of my first novel. Clever, huh? Although I have a few
more pages of notes and some photos for background material, the
summer was basically a washout on that score.
The first mistake I made was the decision to lapse back into couch
potato mode, just "for a week or two" to rest up from two years of
constant deadlines. The next thing I knew Wimbledon was over, and so
was half of my vacation. Note that this was only a vacation from
RAH. My boss still expected me to show up for work five nights a
week.
The second mistake I made was to refinance my house. This sounds
innocent enough, but everyone who has actually gone through this
process is grinding their teeth right now (without benefit of a
dentist or an anesthetic). The whole refinancing process was
designed by lawyers and accountants, with the help of politicians.
This means that no sane human being could ever possibly understand
it. Unfortunately I couldn't manage it either.
My third mistake was deciding to upgrade my BBS software and hardware
this year. I spent a ludicrous amount of time poring over incompre-
hesible feature lists. The basic decision on whether to go with a
multinode or multiline software platform can turn a grown human being
into a gibbering heap of twitching flesh. Or is that alcoholism?
The two conditions are nearly indistinguishable from one another.
These kinds of essays always have to feature the "trip to some
strange and different place" since that is the only interesting thing
that happens to most people during a summer off from school, work, or
whatever. My summer was no different. The trip in question was a
driving tour of Georgia and Florida. The two major destinations were
Atlanta, where I attended the Third ONE BBSCON, and Jacksonville,
Florida, where I did some research for the erstwhile novel. Armed
with a reconditioned notebook computer, I kept a trip log during this
excursion.
Random Access Humor Page 6 September 1994
>> 1994 ONE BBSCON Trip Log <<
(a.k.a. Touring The South On Three Tornadoes A Day)
Tuesday, August 16, 1994
- left Pasadena, Maryland at approx 1300
- ran into rain North of Washington, DC.
- rain off and on all the way down the green, roofless tunnel of
I-85 through southern Virginia and North Carolina. Rain is
extremely heavy at times.
(A thought while I'm driving: so now several thousand sysops, who
usually sit around alone typing at each other, are all converging
(mostly one by one) on Atlanta to bond with one another. A scary
thought if ever there was one.)
- 2115 check into motel off I-85 in Charlotte, NC.
- find out from Weather Channel that I have been driving through
the remnants of Tropical Storm Beryl all day. Rain continues to
pour during the two hours I spent watching _Last Action Hero_ on
HBO.
- As I type this, the Weather Channel is listing streets in
Charlotte that are already flooded. Tornado watch, flash flood
warning. The Emergency Broadcast System has been activated in
Charlotte. This is exciting. I begin to regret my decision to
stay in a single story motel.
- All in all, a charming day. This is the second time in five
years that a tropical storm has rained on my vacation. I'd
like to vacation in Europe someday, just to see what a tropical
storm looks like there.
Wednesday, August 17, 1994
- TS Beryl finally showed its heels to Charlotte, and a strange,
bright orb lit up the sky when I emerged from my room. The
storm anchors held, so my car hadn't floated away overnight.
- After popping out for a fast food breakfast (first time I ever saw
a croissant made from cornmeal) I puttered around the room for a
while trying to learn how to read a map.
- Refueled Dave and the car in Greenville, SC. Lunched at an
Olive Garden Restaurant. While not on a par with the best
Italian restaurants in most places, the Olive Garden chain
provides a refreshing change from the usual burger/waffle
fare available when travelling the southern interstate highways.
(It seems like there's a Waffle House and one or more well
known burger joints at every exit on I-85.) Even if you're
not into pasta, the Olive Garden's breadsticks and salad are
delightful.
Random Access Humor Page 7 September 1994
- Discovered that the rolling hills of South Carolina are a
lousy place to use cruise control. The big trucks charge
past you on the downgrade, change to your lane on the flats,
then slow down (involuntarily, of course) on the upslope,
allowing the cruise control to attempt to merge your car with
the rear end of a forty foot trailer. This gets old real fast.
- Arrived in Atlanta just after 1500. The Inforum, where the vendor
expo and most of the seminars will be held, is three blocks from
the Atlanta Marriott Marquis, the official hotel. There are
several hotels closer to the conference site. What were the
organizers thinking? Worse yet, the "skywalk" that is supposed
to allow conventioneers to move about above streetlevel is
missing a segment. Some of us had to fall off the end into the
street several times before realizing this.
- Attended the Welcome Reception that evening in the Inforum atrium.
Quickly realized I didn't know anyone there and left. Resting up
for the days to come turned out to be a real good idea.
Thursday, August 18, 1994
- ONE BBSCON Opening Session in the main ballroom of the Marriott.
I arrived just before the 0900 start time, so I ended up seated
near the back. The speakers looked like puppets off in the
distance. Fortunately the speakers were projected on huge
display screens placed around the room (which were showing some
kind of weird Transformers videos before the show).
- First discovery of the show: I had been mispronouncing Jack
Rickard's name all these years. I had been pronouncing it like
Captain Picard's last name, only with a "R". It turns out the
accent is on the first syllable.
- Stan Hirschman, a V.P. with Software, Etc. still uses a 1200 baud
modem. You'd think the man would qualify for some sort of
employee discount.
- Scott Brinker, the boy genius of Galacticomm, spoke next. He was
very excited and talks with his hands (we're not talking ASL
here, either). You can tell he's a genius because he used the
word "paradigm" in his speech.
- Lance Rose was the next speaker. An attorney, Lance spoke at
length while saying relatively little. He's probably bucking for
politician.
- Colonel Dave Hughes: a genuine American character. That pretty
much says it all about this man, except that he still believes in
NAPLPS.
- Phil Becker, the president of eSoft, stole the program with a
laser light show. He has a book in print were he stated
categorically that 19200 bps was the maximum modem speed possible
on a regular phone line. I bet he'll never say "never" again.
Random Access Humor Page 8 September 1994
- Dennis Hayes was the keynote speaker this year. He took a quick
poll of the attendees (around 3600 people) and found that almost
everyone was running at least 14.4 modems. About 25% already had
28.8 modems on their boards. Dennis predicted that combined
voice/data is the big future technology for online services.
Great, just great...we'll be able to *hear* the whining of the
twits. He correctly identified the major limitation for the
online future as the lack of ISDN. Has anyone figured out why
most of the Baby Bells are fighting widespread ISDN implementa-
tion tooth and nail?
- Lunch presented the first opportunity to actually meet some
people. Talked with a couple of sysops from Hawaii. If you
think you have trouble getting a low cost Internet feed, try
getting one in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
- Thursday afternoon brought several Electronic Publishing related
seminars. Suffice it to say there are some very exciting things
in store for electronic publications in general, and just maybe
for RAH in particular.
- I crashed early Thursday night and slept for about 10 hours. It
might have been more convenient if I'd made it back to my room
before crashing.
Friday, August 19, 1994
My second morning in the hotel I finally noticed that in hotel
bathroom, the hair dryer has a tag on it reading:
DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG!
WARN CHILDREN OF THE RISK OF DEATH BY ELECTRIC SHOCK!
This message appealed to my repressed evangelistic tendencies.
There being no children available in my room, I rushed to the
lobby to carry out my programming. "You run the risk of death by
electric shock!" I screamed at the first child to cross my path.
Unfortunately I had not dressed for the day's activities before
reading the hair dryer tag. The hotel security people were
reasonably polite, given the circumstances.
Perhaps I should point out how forgetful I am. At one point during
this ONE BBSCON I purchased a $600 software package (Wildcat! V4 BBS
Suite) from a vendor booth. I then walked the whole 100 feet
straight down an aisle to the exit, heading for my next seminar. The
watchful security people asked to see my receipt. Darned if could
find it on me anywhere. Eventually I walked back to the vendor
booth, only to find that they had placed it in a drawer to wait for
my inevitable return. I had left the receipt sitting on a counter at
the booth.
Random Access Humor Page 9 September 1994
Friday night several major vendors sponsored "Hostility Suites" on
the tenth floor of the Marriott Marquis. Alright, officially they
were called "Hospitality Suites," but the presence of cash bars
rather that open bars showed a certain amount of hostility, or at
least stinginess.
Saturday, August 20, 1994
Spend, spend, spend. My credit card was smoking by the end of the
vendor expo. A classic example of spending *way* too much money
because of all the money I was "saving" on show specials. It's a
good thing I'm not married, because I would've been divorced
immediately after this trip anyway.
I discovered that the atrium of the Marriott Marquis appears, from
the Garden Level looking straight up (not recommended for those who
suffer from vertigo), like the guts of V-ger, the alien machine in
_Star Trek: The Motionless Picture_.
The battery died on my notebook computer. It was two weeks old.
Dvorak/Hayes Awards Dinner:
About 1000 people sitting around eating overpriced food, which was
surprisingly good. It struck me that these people really *are* the
pioneers of a new industry. You can tell it's a young industry,
since we spent a good bit of the last hour throwing green nerf balls
with the word "Wonk" emblazoned on them around the room. Our table
specialized in trying to nail Nick Anis and Ward Christiansen, who
were going around throwing prizes at people. Since some of these
prizes were complete packages of Paradox for Windows (which weight
about 48 pounds each), it's lucky more people weren't injured.
Overall Impressions:
A wonderful, raucous, tiring experience. But one I wouldn't have
missed for anything. I didn't attend last year's convention in
Colorado Springs because I couldn't afford it. While it's debatable,
from a purely financial standpoint, whether I could afford it this
year, the simple truth is that nobody seriously involved in the
online industry can afford to miss this show. I plan to be there in
Tampa next year.
>> Vacation Mode <<
Sunday, August 21, 1994
All that said, I was so tired of seminars and gala banquets that I
blew off the final half-day and left Atlanta. Making use of my
exceptional navigation skills, my first day of return driving took
me to Jacksonville Beach, FL. Making the best of a weird situation,
I checked into the Days Inn Oceanfront Resort on the beach. At least
I had the waterfront part right.
Random Access Humor Page 10 September 1994
On the way through southern Georgia and Florida I crossed an amazing
number of rivers with "oochee" in the name. Obviously some ancestor
of Charo was the first to explore this region.
Took a moonlight walk in the surf. This was the first time in nearly
five years that my feet had touched the Atlantic Ocean, or any other
water. The Atlantic whimpered.
Monday, August 22, 1994
Found out this morning why the beaches here look nearly deserted.
It's the first day of the school year for public school kids in
Florida. A rainy day in Florida to boot. Yuck (suffering from
sympathetic flashbacks)!
Ate lunch at a little place in Jacksonville Beach called the Hungry
Iguana (319 S. 23rd Ave. corner of 3rd St. (A1A)). These folks
serve a strange version of California/Mexican food. Strange but
excellent. I had the Grilled Shrimp Chimichanga: a fried burrito
stuffed with diced shrimp, black beans, cheese and served with
guacamole and sour cream. An $11 lunch (including a couple of
beers), but worth every penny. Definitely the best Cal/Mex meal I've
ever had (and I've actually had some in California).
The rest of the day was spent roaming around the Jacksonville area
doing background research for a novel I may or may not ever get
around to writing.
Tuesday, August 23, 1994
Looked around Jacksonville some more. Ventured down the coast to St.
Augustine in the afternoon. Wandered around the "Spanish shoppes"
area downtown. Ate lunch at a pub that was more English than
Spanish, then bought a couple of t-shirts and some postcards. St.
Augustine must draw more tourists than the Jacksonville Beaches. The
historic district was pretty well packed with rugrats and their
parental units.
Wednesday, August 24, 1994
Left Jacksonville Beach, FL. at 1015. Arrived in Pasadena, MD. at
0015 on 8/25/94. An 800 mile trip in 12 hours of driving. Stopped
twice for half hour meal breaks and at Greg Borek's place in Virginia
for an hour. Home at last. Now all I have to do is get a magazine
out in the next week.
Friday, August 26, 1994
Went to settlement on refinancing my house. Found out I had to wait
nearly a week to get my money. The Maryland State Legislature, in
its considerably less than infinite wisdom, decided to protect
Marylanders from themselves (again). They have a new law that gives
the customer the right to cancel any sales contract within three
business days and get all their money back.
Random Access Humor Page 11 September 1994
In the case of a vacuum cleaner this isn't a big deal. You give the
vacuum cleaner back to the company, and they give you your money
back. In the case of a six figure real estate transaction, the bank
is not going to hand you the money, then hope you won't cancel the
deal a couple days later, effectively voiding their mortgage. Oh,
no. The money goes into a lawyer's escrow account until the three
days have passed. Then you get the money. Of course, the lawyer is
collecting interest on the money during this time. Gee, I wonder who
lobbied for that law? {RAH}
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
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The Incredible Shrinking Department
by Jerry Weichbrodt
Good afternoon, Smithers. I always say a Friday afternoon is an
excellent time to discuss disbursement of personnel. Don't you think
so, Smithers?
Oh yes, of course, sir.
Good. Let's see, now. How long have the rumors been flying about
the elimination of your--what was the name of that department, again?
Electrical Widget Engineering, sir.
Right, right. Hmm, now I seem to recall that talk has been going on
for about two years about disbanding that redundant group of yours.
What do you say we start making it happen, hmmm?
Whatever you say, sir.
That's the spirit! After two years, I expect we have the people well
softened up and ready for the change. I trust you have been working
hard to keep the people's morale up with those sappy posters about
having the employees' best interest at heart? I particularly like
the poster that talks about teamwork and caring in this time of harsh
external pressures.
Yes, sir, the employees like that one, too.
Oh, how can you tell?
By the way they have devoted so much attention to it. Someone even
used a compass to draw some very nice concentric circles on it. I'm
not sure where all the other holes in it came from. Probably have to
have the wall it's hanging on repainted after we take it down.
Random Access Humor Page 12 September 1994
That's good. It got their attention.
Our employee bulletin board has gotten a lot of attention, too. I've
seen some innovative artwork on it recently.
Oh?
Yes, sir. Someone used one of our 50,000-dollar CAD packages to make
a very stylized price list showing the various categories of employee
and their going price.
Innovative use of resources, indeed.
Yes, sir. Then there was the note from one employee saying something
about, "will work for food."
That shows great initiative. Hmmm ... will work for food... shows
good promise for cafeteria staff. You know one of our latest
innovations is the realization that all employees are
interchangeable.
Yes, sir. In fact we have been taking that into account in the way
we do things in the department lately.
Oh?
Yes. You may be aware that we have recently had a lot of employees
transferring out of the department before things really go to pieces.
What!!!! How could you let that happen! Have you forgotten your
responsibility to keep them dangling till the last possible moment,
just in case I might change my mind? (Fat chance!)
I know, sir, but they've been very persistent. We--I mean they--
think you might have sort of a nasty streak and be just stringing
them along. Anyway, we have had quite a flood of people leaving the
department, so we've brought in contract help.
Good move, Smithers! Get the work done without having to pay those,
yuck, benefits.
My thought exactly, sir, and, really, those hippies I brought in from
the local commune haven't done badly at all at circuit design and
programming. I've managed to show 5 out of 8 of them where the On-
Off switch is on the computer.
Splendid. Remember, employees are just interchangeable parts in the
big corporate machine. If they weren't, they wouldn't look so much
alike.
Thank you, sir. Is there anything else?
Hmmm, ..., yes, there was one more thing. YOU weren't thinking of
leaving for another position, were you, Smithers?
Random Access Humor Page 13 September 1994
No indeed, sir. I hate the cafeteria food. I've decided to wait and
ride it out after all.
-------------
Jerry Weichbrodt is an electrical engineer with General Motors in
Milford, Michigan. He's also a new father, so a sense of humor
is particularly important to him. His Internet address is:
jerry.weichbrodt%tcb@ack.mi.org.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1994 RAH Reader Survey - Final Results
It's over at last. After five gruelling months of receiving and
processing survey responses, six weeks of goofing off, and about
three minutes of analytical work, the results of the survey follow.
Forty crazy people actually wasted their time by filling out the
survey. The results were fascinating. The average RAH readers is
28.35 years old, single, but nevertheless has 1.2 children and 2.6
aardvarks.
On July 30, 1994 a drawing was held (by Dave Bealer and Greg Borek)
at a secret, secure location somewhere on planet Earth. The winners
of the prizes are:
One year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, the world's largest BBS:
Rick Chartrand, Vanier, Ontario, Canada
Marty Wardius, Milwaukee, WI., USA
Six month Basic Internet Service on Clarknet and Internet Book:
Rob Waldo, Brookfield, CT., USA
The final standings in the humor/comedy preferences portion of the
survey are: (number of votes are in parentheses)
Stand Up Comic: George Carlin (5), Robin Williams (4), Stephen
(34 votes) Wright (3), Sam Kinison (2), and Eddie Murphy (2).
(Dis)Honorable mentions include: "Any politician"
and H. Ross Perot (who is obviously not just "any
politician").
Comic Actor: John Cleese (6), Robin Williams (4), Steve Martin
(36 votes) (4), Chevy Chase (2).
Comic Actress: Whoopi Goldberg (6), Goldie Hawn (4), Gilda Radner
(32 votes) (2). Interesting votes went to: Paul Schaffer,
Milton Berle, Robin Williams (the only person to
receive votes in three categories), and "several,
all unclothed."
Comedy Movie: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (6), Monty Python's
(39 votes) Life of Brian (3), The Naked Gun (2), Blazing
Saddles (2). Monty Python movies totalled 10 votes,
while Mel Brooks movies totalled 5 votes.
Random Access Humor Page 14 September 1994
Comedy TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus (6), Home Improvement
(39 votes) (4), M*A*S*H (3), Seinfeld (2), The Simpsons (2),
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2). Oddly enough ABC
Nightly News only received one vote.
Comedy Novel: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (11). No other
(32 votes) book received more than one vote. Interesting
mentions include _The Stand_ and _Rise and Fall of
the Third Reich_.
Comic Book: Groo the Wanderer (2). "None" was the most popular
(22 votes) answer in this category.
Columnist: Dave Barry (14), P.J. O'Rourke (3), Dave Bealer (2).
(35 votes) Both Daves were embarrassed by this, but for very
different reasons. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Twit Filter: News Releasers
by Dave Bealer
The amount of information flowing through cyberspace is astounding.
Every day the volume increases, making it more difficult for users to
sift through the gobs of information looking for something useful, or
at least of interest. Those who write messages increasingly find
their comments being lost in the shuffle. The best solution is to
write interesting messages. Of course this only works for people who
haven't already alienated so many folks that they're in *everyone's*
twit filter.
One tactic that has become popular recently is writing the message
in the form of a "news release." This kind of message differs from
a standard message mostly in that the words "News Release" appear
at the top of the message. The other difference is that the message
is worded to imply that this information was generated by more than
one person, usually at an "executive board meeting" or "celebrity
lawn dart tournament." All this fluff is designed to hide the fact
that the message was conceived and written by one guy during a five
minute break from kicking his dog. (Women don't kick dogs, they
simply lay a suicide-inducing guilt trip on them.)
On the rare occasions when a legitimate organization sends out an
online news release, the self-appointed "guardians of net tradition
and free information" that inhabit most networks jump all over the
sender. This is especially true when that root of all evil, money,
is mentioned anywhere in the news release. Most net guardians are
fundamentally incapable of making money (or doing anything useful)
themselves, so they're extremely jealous of anyone who can.
When detected, news releasers (and net guardians) should be placed in
your twit filter. This treatment is particularly effective for these
two types of twits, since it opposes their stated intention of
reaching as many people as possible with their "message." {RAH}
Random Access Humor Page 15 September 1994
RAH Humor Review - Toggle Booleans
by Ray Koziel
Over the past few years applications have been created to move many
of the items which used to sit upon the conventional desktops in our
offices to the electronic desktops on our computers. We have our
electronic clipboards, notebooks, calculators, and card files. But
what about some of the other items commonly found on desktops such as
your coffee mug? And with all these applications running wearing
down the bits in your PC wouldn't it be nice to have a utility to
regenerate them? And how about your mouse? Even though it may be
confined to its little pad, ever wonder how much mileage is put on it
in an average workday or work week?
Well, the answers to these questions and many more have been provided
by a small company in Canada by the name of Toggle Booleans. Toggle
Booleans is based in Ottawa, Ontario, the result of three individuals
- Don Leclair, Kevin Morton, and Kristianne Palmer - and their
neverending pursuit to develop silly, witty little programs and
utilities. The origin of Toggle Booleans is as interesting as the
programs they've created. The start of the company, according to
Don, was the result of database project that he and Kevin were
working on. One of the features of this program, which was the
source of alot of pain and confusion, was to allow the user to toggle
between different boolean operators. The F8 key became the "toggle
booleans" key and Don and Kevin liked the sound of it that it also
became the name of their company.
There are a number of different programs that Toggle Booleans
provides. Many of them are freeware while some are shareware. They
have also produced a few business applications as well. Many of the
freeware/shareware programs can be found on services such as
CompuServe or America Online. Also, your local BBS may have acquired
a copy of some of them too.
One of the products in the freeware line is "The Mouse Odometer."
This little program allows you to track the mileage of your mouse and
other statistics such as number of left and right button clicks,
number of keystrokes, etc. The "Bit Recycler" is a witty little
program that helps recycle your PC's worn out bits. Let's face it -
changing from 1's to 0's again and again can be quite stressful and
every once in a while need to be regenerated. In fact, the "Bit
Recycler" isolates "subversive bits" which have totally gone off the
deep end and are trying to overthrow the system. This program has
great graphics and animation too! The "Resource Monitor" is a little
program which keeps track of the memory and resources available on
your system.
Get your PC ready for Halloween with "Desktop Pumpkin" and "Desktop
Ghost." "Desktop Pumpkin" puts a blinking pumpkin on your desktop
and "Desktop Ghost" puts a ghost on your system that roams around the
screen. Also for your desktop is "Desktop Cigarette" and "Desktop
Coffee Mug"! Now you can smoke in the office without worry for
Random Access Humor Page 16 September 1994
"Desktop Cigarette" has 0mg tar, 0mg nicotine, and 0mg CO! The
"Desktop Coffee Mug" gives you a steaming hot cup of coffee right on
your desktop. But be careful - move an application over your mug and
it tips over, spilling some coffee on your desktop and leaving coffee
rings wherever you move your mug. Now that you have your coffee, try
a game of "Amazon Skulls" during your break. This game is based on a
game similar to one played by an ancient Brazilian tribe. Ok, your
in the middle of a crucial game of "Amazon Skulls" and the boss walks
in. What do you do? Well, if you have "Presto Saver" there is
nothing to worry about! This little utility fires up your current
screen saver with just a click of the mouse button.
The following programs are from Toggle Booleans shareware line.
Thought you saw the "King?" Well, with the Toggle Booleans "Elvis
Detector" you will know for sure whenever the presence of Elvis is
nearby. And, if you register, you will receive an enhanced detector
which will pick up other greats such as Roy Orbison and M.C. Hammer.
But that's not all! Toggle Booleans will also customize a detector
to fit your needs. "Name of the Game" contains a bunch of card
puzzles. But these aren't just ordinary card puzzles because custom
cards have been thrown into the deck, such as the 26 of spades and
the 'C' of hearts. "Mouse Warp" is a cursor enhancement utility
allowing you to select from a variety of custom cursors or to design
your own cursor plus many other functions.
"Swift Access" is a utility which allows you to set up a "toolbar"
containing your most often used applications. "Type Right" has the
ability to automatically correct common spelling mistakes as you
type. Unlike other spell checkers, "Type Right" works across many
Windows applications. "Video Benchmarks" provides a means to test
the performance of your video board and video driver by rating the
ability of drawing lines, filled areas, polygons, and bitmaps in
terms of actions per second. "Pop Charts" provides an easy way to
add sophisticated charts to illustrations, memos, and documents.
Last but not least is the "Non-Productivity Pack" which includes many
of the freeware products and trial versions of the shareware
products. The pack includes: "Coffee Mug", "Mouse Odometer",
"Presto Saver", "Resource Monitor", "Elvis Detector v1.0", "Bit
Recycler", "Swift Access", "Name of the Game, Public Edition",
"Desktop Ghost", "Desktop Pumpkin", and "Desktop Cigarette".
The following are the latest prices for their shareware products:
Elvis Detector $7 US/$8 CAN
Name of the Game $20 US/$24 CAN
Mouse Warp $20 US/$24 CAN
Swift Access $30 US/$35 CAN
Video Benchmarks $20 US/$24 CAN
Pop Charts $30 US/$35 CAN
Non-Productivity Pack $10 US/$12 CAN
Many of the freeware products can be found on CompuServe, America
Online, and probably a bulletin board system near you. Toggle
Booleans can be reached at the following address:
Random Access Humor Page 17 September 1994
Toggle Booleans
P.O. Box 4204, Station E
Ottawa, Ontario
Canada, K1S 5B2
Or, program developer Don Leclair can be reached via CompuServe at
73753,3044 or the InterNet at 73753.3044@compuserve.com.
--------------
Ray Koziel lives in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and one and a half
children. When asked about his thoughts on the information super-
highway, Ray replied that it was a "pretty nifty idea" but wondered
"how we could drive a car small enough to fit through a telephone
line". Ray can be reached via CompuServe at 73753,3044 or via the
Internet at 73753.3044@compuserve.com, which is most convenient.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
RAH Humor Review: Last Action Hero
by Dave Bealer
Here we go again. What's this guy doing, reviewing a Schwarzenegger
film as humor? Well, I'll tell you...it's funny!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably the most successful action movie
star of the past decade. Body count movies make money, and Arnold's
are arguably among the best of the genre. In an ideal world Arnold
could go on making these hyper-violent flicks until he ends up old
and in a wheelchair - Ironside with a Austrian accent.
The trouble is the political correction movement. Liberals are
trying to blame all the world's crime problems on television and
movie violence. This is complete and utter bovine fecal matter, but
that is a discussion for another article. The point is that Congress
is putting a great deal of pressure on Hollywood to make less violent
films. Movie industry executives are making at least a token effort
to tone things down before laws are passed to dictate movie content.
One of the first of these tokens is _Last Action Hero_. The bad news
is most of the movies resulting from this trend won't be this good.
Directed by John McTiernan, whose previous hits include _Die Hard_,
this film takes campy movie parodies to a new height. One of the
reasons is the presence of actual action stars in the movie. Besides
Arnold himself, the film features cameos by Sly Stallone, Jean-Claude
Vann Damme, Sharon Stone, and Robert Patrick. Along the way it makes
fun of every action movie from _Hamlet_ to _E.T._.
_Last Action Hero_ subscribes to the theory of fiction having its own
internal reality. Heinlein fans will recognize this from the science
fiction master's later novels. Newcomer Austin O'Brien plays eleven-
year-old New Yorker Danny Madigan, who is magically transported to
Los Angeles. In particular, a Los Angeles that exists only inside
the latest Schwarzenegger film, _Jack Slater IV_. Given the fact
that their world is real enough to them, Jack and the other on-screen
cops display superhuman patience with this obviously insane child who
thinks they're in a movie...and knows a shocking amount about their
private lives.
Random Access Humor Page 18 September 1994
People who are allergic to puns will want to avoid this movie like
the plague. One of the climaxes is triggered by the most horrendous
situational pun ever committed to celluloid. Most of the other puns
in the movie are on a par with typical Schwarzenegger fare.
What really makes this film enjoyable is the way it pokes fun at
movie conventions and unrealities. Jack's LAPD headquarters features
valet parking and police women in skin-tight latex suits (which are
excellent for sneaking up on bad guys). This mythical police force
includes Whiskers, an animated cat (with the voice of Danny DeVito),
and "the black and white digitization of Humphrey Bogart."
A 1993 movie that bombed at the box office (due to the experimental
low body count for an "Ahnold" film), _Last Action Hero_ has a witty
screenplay written by Shane Black and David Arnott. The cast, which
includes F. Murray Abraham (the man who killed "Moe Zart"), Robert
Prosky, Charles Dance, Frank McRae, Mercedes Ruehl, Anthony Quinn,
Art Carney, Professor Toru Tanaka, and Sir Ian McKellen, does an
excellent job. Anyone who missed this movie because of the bad
reviews made a "big mistake." {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcements and Observations
The RAH HQ BBS (The Puffin's Nest) is now running a U.S. Robotics
V.Everything modem. Speeds available are 1200 bps - 28800 bps.
Major changes are in the works for this BBS. Details will appear in
this space next month.
- - -
The deadline for submissions for the October 1994 issue is 09/25/94.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
--- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway
I am NOT a NUMBER! I am a DEMOGRAPHIC!
Welease Bwian!
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
"Bother," said Pooh, as Cthulu rose up and ate him.
Poor eyes limit your sight, poor vision limits your deeds.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
Anything that kills you makes you...well, dead.
Guillotine operator wanted. Chance to get ahead.
"The food here is terrible." "And such small portions, too!"
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Compost! A rind is a terrible thing to waste!
Random Access Humor Page 19 September 1994
Psychiatry - the care of the id by the odd.
Would you like a Yes/No prompt? (Y/N)
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with The Simpsons.
Drive not ready: A)lign coils, G)o to impulse, C)all Geordie.
Documentation: the worst part of programming.
I had my car's alignment checked. It's chaotic evil!
Difference between genius and stupidity? Genius has no limitations.
I medicate, therefore who am I?
Sysoping: more fun than being beaten with a sledgehammer.
I used to live in the real world, but I got evicted.
Toad: what happens to an illegally parked frog.
The shortest route between two points is under construction.
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here.
I never knew lasers could be printed.
I just took an IQ test. The results were negative.
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Bill Clinton, America's leading truthphobe!
Excuse me...just what chicken and which road were you talking about?
Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.
Enter any 12 digit prime number to continue.
A KGB keyboard has no <ESC> key.
Computers all wait at the same speed.
Prime directive MY BUTT! Set phasers to PUREE!
Why is that there are never enough days in a weekend?
Twisted mind? No...just bent in several strategic places.
Random Access Humor Page 20 September 1994
Get thee behind me Satan. I was here first.
Oh no, Satan...you stay right here where I can see you.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Essay: describe the universe in 500 words or less. Give 2 examples.
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight?
Virginity: a curable congenital defect.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner.
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
May your caffeine sources always be fresh.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf juyy unir cevinpl.
Moby Disk: "Call me E-mail..."
This space accidentally left blank.
He who dies with the most TAGLINES wins!
Random Access Humor Page A-1 September 1994
Random Access Humor Masthead:
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
Associate Editor: Greg Borek
Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel
Logo Design: Kelly Price
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-28800/V.34)
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
greg.borek@rah.clark.net
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
>> Legal Junk <<
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by
their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does
not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
publisher.
This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with
the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the
publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher.
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. RAH may not be posted, in whole or in part, on public
conferences. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies
on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be
distributed in combination with any other publication or product.
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.
Random Access Humor Page A-2 September 1994
>> Where to Get RAH <<
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.
RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:
etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
(ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)
ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah
(ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
(ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
(READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)
>> Writing For RAH <<
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches)
may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
received.
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
copyright holder.
Random Access Humor Page A-3 September 1994
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.
RAH Distribution System:
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 28800 (V.Everything)
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
European Gateway:
Digital Frame Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
-= AUSTRALIA =-
Northern Territory
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis
-= BELGIUM =-
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis
-= CANADA =-
Alberta
The Darkland BBS Edmonton (NoFido) (403) 486-5835 V.32bis
Ontario
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 531-0479 V.FC
The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/302 (416) 299-1164 Z19
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 V.32bis
Uncle Sphincter's Westover 1:221/279 (519) 624-0134 HST/Dual
-= FRANCE =-
The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis
Random Access Humor Page A-4 September 1994
-= GERMANY =-
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19
-= ICELAND =-
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis
-= ITALY =-
Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19
-= NETHERLANDS =-
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.32bis
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
Digital Frame Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
-= PORTUGAL =-
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890010 V.32bis
The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32
-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis
-= SLOVENIA =-
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-1599400 V.32bis
-= UNITED STATES =-
Alabama
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 HST/Dual
Arizona
Mission Control Flagstaff (NoFido) (602) 527-1854 V.FC
California
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
Connecticut
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis
Florida
Ruby's Joint Jacksonville 1:112/129 (904) 777-6799 V.FC
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
Georgia
D.W.'s Toolbox Jonesboro 1:133/1719 (404) 471-6636 V.32bis
Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
Idaho
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2682 V.32bis
Random Access Humor Page A-5 September 1994
Illinois
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
Indiana
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 474-2263 V.FC
Maryland
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:261/1134 (410) 744-1102 V.Every
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.FC
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&
BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.Every
Michigan
Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis
Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32bis
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis
New York
The Batcave Brooklyn 1:278/204 (718) 694-0433 HST/Dual
Oklahoma
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
Oregon
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
Pennsylvania
Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
Texas
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
Utah
Vital Signs West Jordan 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
Virginia
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual
Washington
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 326-1123 V.32bis
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
Random Access Humor Page A-6 September 1994
West Virginia
Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis
Wisconsin
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis
=====================================================================
Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)
Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)
EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)
SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193
Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137
