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Radioactive Aardvark Dung Issue 11
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r a d i o a c t i v e a a r d v a r k d u n g
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radioactive aardvark dung % issue #11 % released december 02nd, ninety-six
without prejudice and explicit reservation of all my rights, ucc 1-207
rad e-zine whq is erebus % sysop :: hooch @ 201-762-1373
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"introduction"
prescribed by - mercuri
i'd just like to say that i'm the reason the russian mars space probe
plummeted to its watery demise; for yelstin's massive heart attacks, and
the reason for the russian withdrawl from chechnya.
busy bees -- that's what we are. lot's of new stuff happening in
this here issue...
[-----]
POST OFFICE BOX!
you can send us anything you want! your print zine, money, unmarked
bills, mula, cash, unused toothbrushes/toothpicks, the head of gennady
zyuganov, albums -- anything!
rad e-zine
po box 584
crown point, in 46307
[-----]
T-SHIRTS!
that's right! i've been asked if this is for real: *YES*, this is
not a joke we really are selling t-shirts.
the t-shirt is black & on the front it says "RAD" (but with a back-
wards "D" like the NIN logo) below that it says "closer to dung." on the
back it says "radioactive aardvark dung."
there are pictures enclosed in this zip file:
front.gif - frontal view of the shirt
back.gif - ass-end view of shirt
cost is $15.00 flat -- we pay the shipping. orders will not be
shipped until after christmas; we don't want your shirt to get lost in the
holiday rush.
for more information & pictures go to:
http://www.pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad/rad-ts.html
send your money to:
rad e-zine
po box 584
crown point, in 46307
[-----]
IRC!
we've set up a channel bot in #RAD on efnet (irc.phoenix.net, and
others). come stop by and say hello to dungbot and you'll be added to the
bot. all RAD members get ops -- all readers are criticized for their
political and religious views.
/msg dungbot hello
all RAD members are encouraged to hang out in that channel as well
as all RAD readers. the bot gives you the latest news and files.
[-----]
ANSI!
RAD is being distributed in a premier ansi group's releases... with
luck, both sides should benefit from this. check out #polyester on irc, or
waddle your pathetic ass over to http://www.widomaker.com/~drseuss/poly.
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give peace a chance? you never even gave war a chance, you dickheads.
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"where did i come from?"
written by - handle
my life is utterly horrible. want an example? well just a few
seconds ago i was reading relish6 when my mother came into my room.
*shudder*
oh, yeah. she came in without knocking too. that's just the kind of
person she is. anyways this is how the conversation went...
"nate, i'm going to walgreens. stay here because i'm leaving your
sister. i'll be home soon. do you need anything?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"are you ignoring me?"
"yes."
"why? is something wrong?"
"i always ignore you. please shut the door on your way out."
instead of leaving like i requested she decided that she would be
better off reading what was on my computer screen because she has no life
of her own. we've lived in this town for ten years now and she has yet to
make any friends. that's how likeable she is. anyways, i'm getting off
topic. what was on the screen was this . . .
"Halloween. The simple mention of the name calls to mind demonic
hellspawn & Satanic minions stalking the Earth to sip the blood of
fetuses & rape small kittens. Err, well, I guess that Halloween calls
that stuff to mind of SOME people. I guess I just wanted to say that
there's more to Halloween than taking a dump in your Grandpa's mail..."
after about twenty-five seconds she had gotten down to the second
line and said...
"santanic, *gasp*"
and no that wasn't an error, she actually said santanic. besides
being an annoying bitch she is also rock stupid.
"please leave, mom."
"are you crabby today?"
god this has to be the worst question anybody could possibly ask you.
what could make your demeanor more unpleasant than being asked this
question?
"i wasn't until you came in here."
"why are you being so hateful?"
i wanted to tell her that i hated it when every so often she'd start
to feel guilty about ignoring me my whole life, and would try to act
concerned. but i couldn't, showing no emotion at all was just the thing to
spite this hell demon. and don't think i'm trying to gain sympathy by
saying my parents don't love me. not paying any attention to me was the
best present my mom could have given me growing up. i can't stand her
presence.
just then my step-dad came in and inadvertainly broke the ice by
jerking around like there was a bee in his pants, grabbing my mom's head and
pretend hitting it saying, "i'm gonna thump you". he also runs around the
house a lot repeatedly sticking his thumbs in the air and making strange
noises. (as i'm writing this my sister just came into my room, saying "i
heard a funny noise downstairs" i replied with "no you didn't, you just
want to come in here" she then said "i know, but i like to be in here"
for some reason she has some strange infatuation with being in my room, it's
sickening. she's always trying to come in here, even when i have people
over. please excuse me while i forcefully expell her from my room...)
okay i'm back. my sister is the only person i've ever met that's
stupider than my mom. because of that reason she's always getting all the
attention, thank god. if i had to put up with my parents on a daily basis
i wouldn't be alive right now. so back to the dialog, after his unbareably
hilarious display of fake hitting my step-dad said...
"nate, we're going to walgreens."
"i heard."
"he's being crabby."
"oh really, i'll knock you around so hard..." (jokingly)
yes, of course jokingly. i have no loyalty to anyone. especially
these two. if he even threatened me once i'd call the cops before he
blinked. thankfully then, the idiot duo left and i felt i had to right this
to get the anger out of my system. hope you enjoyed it!
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"short funny #1"
thought of by - mercuri
boy's cutdown:
"you swing like a girl, you fag!"
corresponding girl's cutdown:
"you sew like a boy, you dyke!"
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"FUBAR"
submitted by - mercuri
things are really fucked up these days. the other day my cousin
called up my brother on the telephone and she started hitting on him and
eventually asked him out. back in the olden days, my brother would have
been the one calling my cousin. damn feminist movement. it all started
with women's suffrage, then it all went down hill.
it's getting to the point where they don't even want to have they
babies anymore. they just want to chew tobacco and milk the cows -- "just
like the guys."
barefoot and pregnent cooking supper. that's the place for a woman.
yeehaw!
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"funny jokes"
submitted by - mercuri
Q: what do you call 50 moslems in a bar?
A: 50 camel-humpers!
Q: what do you call 50 black men in a bar?
A: 50 niggers!
Q: what do you call 50 jewish people in a bar?
A: 50 kikes!
Q: what do you call 50 chinese people in a bar?
A: 50 chinks!
Q: what do you call 50 koreans in a bar?
A: 50 gooks!
Q: what do you call 50 irish people in a bar?
A: 50 drunks!
Q: what do you call 50 german people in a bar?
A: 50 nazis!
Q: what do you call 50 russians in a bar?
A: 50 communists!
Q: what do you call 50 americans in a bar?
A: 50 yanks!
Q: what do you call 50 mexicans in a bar?
A: 50 people who are living proof indians had sex with buffalos!
maybe i'll feel like typing up more funny jokes next issue.
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peaceful protest means you have the right to protest peace.
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"imperial butter!"
submitted by - mercuri
remember those commercials from the mid to late 80s for imperial
brand butter? the kid would wake up in a dead sleep with a craving for some
butter.
"tommy, get in bed -- now!"
"but, mom ..."
"put that stick of butter down and get to bed!"
if my calculations are correct - and he is still consuming butter at
the same or faster rate he is probably in the mayo clinic right now.
"you really need to cut down on your butter intake."
and what the hell was with that crown?
<fanfare> "imperial butter!" *poof* "gasp! a crown!"
butter must make you rich or something.
on the same note, i wonder if zack is still a lego maniac?
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"pubes"
submitted by - handle
note from handle: in RAD 10 metalchick gave us a really embarrasing
poem that cerkit wrote. well, after reading it i immediately recognized
that cerkit gave me a poem also; it was very similar to the now famous
"3 stars." i'm guessing it must be a sequel. so now for your reading
enjoyment, the sequel to "3 stars," "curly pubes!"
original: sequel:
3 stars, i see curly pubes, i see
when light is dim when i'm with my kin
less one head i feel two balls
and less one limb they slap my chin
or is it my homeland or is it my knee pads
i have lost i have lost
i know i win my knees are sore
at this cost at this cost
let two stars let dad's penis
now stand and shine now stand and shine
and down into i do the work
the dotted line but i'm getting mine
we draw this life i give dad head
which we share with no despair
further into apair he blows his load
my eyes now stare into my hair
does it end does it end
hath it start hath it start
is this the middle is this the shaft
what is this part? what is this part?
am i no one with my hand
or am i him i release his skin
3 stars i see curly pubes, i see
when lights when i'm with
are dim my kin
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"addendum to the 'foon' piece in rad eight"
submitted by - tmm
the obviously radical & innovative idea of combining a fork & a spoon
in one piece of silverware is in no way, shape, form or fashion unique to
mercuri's brain. in fact, a similar invention, which was invented in the
forties for soldiers in world war two (which dumbfounds me even more because
of all people, mercuri should know this) has been in production ever since.
the name of this subversive piece of machinery is a "spork," not a "foon."
in fact, the only "foon" i see here is mercuri, who is a "buffoon" for
saying such ignorant things.
oh yeah, the spork was discontinued from mass production in the mid-eighties,
the sales were paltry.
but you can still find them today in a friendly non-biodegradable plastic
form at kentucky fried chicken.
* authors note: some people asked me how i know this. well, my grandfather
was the inventor of the spork, & my father carried on the family tradition
until our family business went under in the mid-eighties. we've lived in
poverty ever since. so fuck you, mercuri.
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"disney is so lucky"
written by - handle
man those people over at disney are so lucky. they get to have a
twenty-five year anniversary every year and i'm stuck with jack-shit. three
years ago i'm watching tv, commercial comes on celebrating disney's twenty-
five year anniversary. two years ago i'm watching tv, different commercial
comes on celebrating disney's twenty-five year anniversary. last year i'm
watching tv, yet another commercial celebrating disney's twenty-five year
anniversary comes on. five minutes ago i was watching tv, guess what
happened? exactly how old is the disney corporation?
i've decided that this tuesday will mark my twenty-fifth wedding
anniversary to my fake wife. you can all send presents if you want to.
next thursday will mark my twenty-five year reunion to the highschool which
i have yet to graduate from. presents would be appreciated.
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"2 kewl 4 u"
captured by - mercuri
WAY2COOL buffer saved on Sat Nov 23 07:03:48 1996
<WAY2COOL> hello
(mercuri) hi!
<WAY2COOL> talk to me babe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
x!x scaning way2cool's whois info...
/-- WAY2COOL -- - -
| address : (kphu@Bayou.UH.EDU)
| ircname : [I have found my dream man]
| channels : #ChInEsE
| server : becker1.u.washington.edu
(mercuri) are you a chink?
<WAY2COOL> i know you here!!
<WAY2COOL> tiffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff!!!!!
<WAY2COOL> forgot me already??
(mercuri) uh.
(mercuri) i don't think i ever knew you.
<WAY2COOL> are u tiffany???
(mercuri) no i m not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<WAY2COOL> the 14 years old kid??
(mercuri) nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<WAY2COOL> are u sure??
(mercuri) yeah, i'm pretty damn sure i'm not 14, jack-ass!
<WAY2COOL> so who are u??
(mercuri) eat shit and bark at the moon!!!!!!!
(mercuri) the name is rebel, johnny rebel
<WAY2COOL> fuckyou you little sorry ass!!!
(mercuri) you're the sorry ass hitting on a 14 year old girl!!!!!!
<WAY2COOL> that's a fucking gay ass name!!
(mercuri) what's a fucking gay ass name!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????
<WAY2COOL> fuck you little shit!! i'm only 15 asshole!!
(mercuri) what a jerk u r!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<WAY2COOL> but my dick as big as your dad!!!maybe bigger!!!
(mercuri) uh
(mercuri) what the fuck?
(mercuri) you fucking pervert
(mercuri) that's fucking disgusting
(mercuri) do you always proclaim your dick size when you're being mocked?
<WAY2COOL> that's not what your ugly mama told me last night!!
(mercuri) that makes absofuckinglutely no sense you stupid piece of chinese
shit.
<WAY2COOL> last night your ugly mama scream like a hornieass bitch!!
(mercuri) you're getting your verb tenses mixed up you damn chink.
End of WAY2COOL buffer Sat Nov 23 07:03:48 1996
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"fingering out dirty reds"
told by - tmm
point one:
president clinton met with chinese president jiang zemin last week in
an effort to boost lagging us-sino relations.
point two:
in order to do this, the us must sacrifice relations with taiwan,
because us-sino relations & us-taiwan relations trade-off. you can't have
both.
point three:
taiwan is a budding democracy.
point four:
president clinton smiled at the press conference.
what does all this mean?
conclusion:
president clinton has turned his back on world-wide democracy & has
chosen to spend his time (& enjoy it too) with chinese communists that want
to take over the world.
using nothing but flawless logic, we can all see that clinton is a
communist, & an evil one at that.
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"significant"
written by - handle
why do teachers need a lounge? teaching is their work. what about a
bricklayer's lounge? how about a drive-thru attendants lounge? you really
shouldn't be lounging on the job.
[-----]
who's the first person to spell it "drive-thru"? why did everyone
else decide to do the same? is it spelled "drive-thru" in the dictionary?
and speaking of firsts, i wondered what happened the first time someone
used the "your mom" comeback.
"you're such a faggot."
"your mom."
"where?"
"huh?"
"what did he mean by that?"
why did this phrase ever catch on?
[-----]
there was a mark
his mom was a yuppie
he played in the park
with a yellow little puppy
he crawled in and out
of his very own anus
which standing alone
isn't that heinous
but i think you'll agree
sticking flashlights in your asshole to collect shit on the end and then
smearing it on the wall is pretty darn disgusting
[-----]
why don't white people watch shows like "martin" and "moesha"?
because they're not good. they're crap; plain and simple. why do black
people watch them? don't ask me, apparently they have some sort of unity.
wake up people, theres no such thing as a racist white man. we can't stand
each other either.
[-----]
bill clinton? people all over the country are whining about having a
criminal in the whitehouse, yet he sure did seem to be quite popular during
election times. stand up for yourselves. i agree, clinton shouldn't be in
the white house. but not because he's a criminal, you have to be a criminal
to become president. we should get rid of him because he got caught.
electoral votes? gee, i used to think we voted for the president.
what's with this? we all know the president is elected by his fellow
politicians, so why do we all think it's so important we vote? i know why,
so we feel secure. were not smart enough to rule ourselves and the
government knows it. i give them a big thumbs up for helping us out.
[-----]
the world is in a state of limbo that hasn't changed for the last 50
years. all of our issues are all very petty. we need a good nuclear war to
stir things up. countries taking over other countries, struggling for power.
that's why god made us, for entertainment. these last 50 years must have
been like a commercial for him.
[-----]
through the 50's, 60's, and 70's young people fought to not be held
back and be allowed to wear, say, and do what they want. well they won, and
they lost all dicipline. now us, they're kids, are growing up how they
would have liked to. there's only one problem. what do we have to fight for?
nothing, so we all pretend that we do to be considered cool. everyone needs
somekind of conflict or goal and my generation doesn't have any. that's why
we've all degenerated into mindless idiots. i give thumbs up to mtv for
cashing in on this.
you can point fingers all you want. but sooner or later you have to
face it. our current situation isn't the fault of mtv or the entertainment
industry. they're the smart ones, all they've done is take a cut out of the
cash cow that is our ignorance. stop pointing fingers and do something
about it. shake things up, go out and kill someone today. or at least have
some fun with a retarded kid -- that will get people's attention.
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"who & why?"
submitted by - mercuri
"president clinton visited bangkok, thailand this week to meet with the
king of thailand. it is the first time in twenty-seven years a US president
has visited thailand."
"president clinton is the first democratic president to be re-elected since
roosovelt."
no, this is not an article about president clinton. this is about
the people who take the time to figure out when the last time something
happened was. pay attention to CNN or headline news, & any newspaper.
you'll see it all the time.
"this makes it the first time since ..."
who takes the time to figure this stuff out?
"i got a real good story i'd like to put on the front page!"
"when was the last time it happened?"
"34 years ago! on a VERY snowy day!"
"great! have it on my desk by five!"
who knows. maybe i'm just being a little bit too over analytical
so i have something to write about.
[-----]
"he kept to himself. he was a real nice man, i never suspected a
thing."
that's what they always say about criminals. man, when i move into
an apartment i hope to god i have the rudest, smelliest, nappiest, loudest
neighbors a guy can have. at least that way i'll know they're good people.
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radioactive aardvark dung e-zine % issue #11
rad e-zine :: po box 584 :: crown point, in :: 46307
rad e-zine whq is erebus % sysop :: hooch @ 201-762-1373
get past & future issues from :: ftp.openix.com/ftp/phorce/rad
send us your comments & submissions :: rad@alfheim.net
special updates % "subscribe rad" in message body
www site :: http://pla-net.net/corp/zineworld/rad
attn sysops :: be sure to read distro.app
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