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Pizza Underground Digest Volume 2 Issue 10
[PUD_2_10.TXT]
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PuD v2.10
"They're Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!"
All hail Mooga. Please.
How to DisKo like a Chinchilla Pt. 1
Names for ALLiANCES (K_RaD Komraderies)
Sofware Review: G0RiLLuZzZ/386ý by PBK
The Rules of CyberPunk
Toenail Clipping 101
PuD Analysis: Noserings
þ How to DisKo like a Chinchilla
As our "[Greater Llama] KULT FOLLOWING" well knows, PuD is even MORE than
the T/FiLE to end all T/FiLES. It is more than the cure for most strange
Tropical Diseases. It is also a self-help magazine.
PuD SeLF/HeLP:
"Help Yourself"
- Jeff (Try to pick up on that inside joke, Analog.)
(Yet another inside joke. Whoops.)
Anyway, in this PuD we shall teach you the newest, greatest Country-Western
dance craze since the Achy-Breaky: CHinchilla DisKo.
Chinchilla DisKo Basics:
1) You put your right leg in
2) You pull your right leg out
3) You do the Chinchilla DisKo
4) And stop doing the Hokey Pokey
Advanced Chinchilla DisKo Directives:
- The Setup
1) Make an Altar out of Stolen Lumber
2) Light a Lot of Candles
3) Extinguish the Candles and Dispose of Them
4) Invite over both of your friends
5) Draw a 70/20ø Rhombus on the floor
6) Pop your "Hair" Broadway Play Sountrack in to the 8/Track player
- Placement
1) The three of you should stand at perfect right angles to each other
2) When you give up on the right angle thing, becuase any idiot knows that you
can't have three (not even two) right angles in a triangle, go on to step 3.
3) Stand at equal intervals to each other, facing outward of the Rhombus
- Choreography
1) Jump and turn 180ø in the air
2) At opposing intervals, hold your arms out and move them up and down
3) Shake your boody
4) Tap your left foot as your right ankle is placed behind the head
5) Spin on your right foot. This may take some concentration.
6) Shout "Oooh!" as you somersault between the legs of a friend
7) Stand up, turn around, at repeat process
8) After ten minutes, Place an initialized toaster in the center of the rombus
9) Repeat steps 1-7 until severe burns inhibit movement
þ Names for ALLiANCES (K_RaD Komraderies)
Though we're still pissed, we have accepted the fact that the three-letter
acronym, created by US, is in use today and will continue to be so for an awful
long time.
For those who are sad, I have compiled a short list of good names for YOUR
alliance, if you actually lack the creativity.
ALLIANCE - for the dangerously lame and EXTREMELY uncreative
PeV - Penuses En Vogue
DDA - Debbie Does Assembly
WEaK - WaReZ, E/ZiNES, and K0De
HFWG - High-Fivin' WaReZ GuyzZz
WotlW - WaReZ, oh that lovely WaReZ
TDT - HA!!! HA!!! HA!!!
BMoF - Be My Only Friend
iWM - Idiots With Modems
YoU - Your Only Underground
MME - Murder Made Easy
W0oF - Wimps 0f o/Day FiLEzZz
SToP - This before I yack.
þ G0RiLLuZzzZZzzZz/386ý by The PuD BaL0NiE CoderzZz
G0R386 is an innovative new game written entirely in 386 specific PaSM
assembly code (QuickBasic converted to Turbo C++).
The game supports two players, and the object is to hit the other gorilla
with a banana that you throw. Velocity, Angle, as well as Gravity is
adjustable. The game supports 1280x1024x32k resolutions, and receives Four
Stars (****) from the PuD Software Review Ratings Committee. This game is
strongly recommended for anybody who owns a 386 or above, and is somewhat
recommended for those who use a 286 or lower.
The sole release of G0RiLLuZzzZZzzZz will be included in that thing that we
always hype; the DTR.
þ The Rules Of CyberPunk
Since we can't all be PEPSi MaN <sic> or Cactus Brat, everybody wants to
be a part of the newest, most-overrated, most-idiotic computer fad: CyberPunk.
CyberPunk has been documented in Time magazine, as well as other wide-read
publications. This fad has even been ostracised in Hubba Bubba Chewing Gum
Commercials. No, it can't be a fad if it's featured in a commercial.
Personally, I would much rather join the now-dead Hula Hoop fad than show a
lack of gray matter in my skull and become a CyberPunk. Face it. CyberPunks
suck. At least Hula Hoops were mildly amusing.
As requested by me, I shall now list the rules of CyberPunk:
1) CyberPunks must read the Illuminati twice a day
2) CyberPunks must watch BladeRunner while reading the Illuminati
3) CyberPunks must always have a current subscription to Mondo 2000
4) CyberPunks must wear leather or an environment-friendly substitute
5) CyberPunks must proclaim CyberPunkiness on WWiVNet
6) CyberPunks must proclaim CyberPunkiness on VirtualNet
7) CyberPunks must proclaim arrogance
8) CyberPunks must pretend not to care when they actually do
9) CyberPunks must act more intelligent than they really are
10) CyberPunks must act like they have a knowledge of herbs
11) CyberPunks must listen to Technocrap
12) CyberPunks must have a modem or a peripheral which closely resembles one
13) CyberPunks must know how to make a PowerGlove work with an IBM
14) CyberPunks must suck at all times
15) CyberPunks must be idiotic enough to think Rend386 is Virtual Reality
16) CyberPunks must not play the CyberSpace door game
17) CyberPunks must lack the imagination to play the CyberSpace door game
18) CyberPunks must be social cripples
19) CyberPunks must watch The Lawnmower Man when finished with BladeRunner
20) CyberPunks must secretively watch Care Bear Pornography
21) CyberPunks must get off on InterNet access and low-paying jobs
- NC "Avid CP Loather"
þ Toenail Clipping 101
Just bite 'em.
þ PuD Analysis
Well, not that this is really an outstanding article; we tend to analyze most
everything before we make fun of it. However, many simpletons such as your self
do not follow this without explanation. For this reason I will be kind enough
to analyze The Nosering, step by step, and let you understand how the
comprehension thing works. I'm sure you're not familiar with such.
Before we piss off a select few, let me say that if this offends you, and you
hold a grudge, chances are you have not the self confidence nor esteem to look
someone or something in the eye. This may be why you wear a nosering.
Analysis:
Noserings
Typicals:
Noserings are most often worn by those who think that their personal
appearance makes a difference in society. Noserings are frequented by people
who think they make a difference, or simply try to look like some sort of freak
activist with no personal qualities whatsoever.
Personality:
Nosering wearer personality tends to encompass many dislikable types.
Type 1:
Whiney, sniveling moochers that try too hard to be accepted. These
embarrassments tend to think that their wearing a nosering makes them look as
if social stature means not a thing to them. We all know it is the opposite.
Type 2:
Conforming Non-Conformists. These fools think that in in order to conform to
the laws of non-conformity, they must wear such jewelry. Non-Conformity is
cool. Really. In order to be a really cool non-conformist, you must look like
a Betty Ford Clinic patron. Conform, or conform.
Type 3:
The Starved. These wretches want nothing more than attention. Society has
shunned them for their lack of personality and/or creativity, and therefore
they must live for the occasional stare from some old guy at a mall. This old
guy is probably trying to keep a straight face, hence the shocked-looking
expression.
Type 4:
The Bandwagoneers. These rejects have nothing better to do than follow along
with the other Nosering-wearer personality types. Just trying to fit in,
that's all. This goes back to the non-conformity thing.
Type 5:
The CyberWannaBe's. These people want to be CyberPunks. As we all know,
CyberPunks and their Gynelotrimin-laced Cherry Kool-Aid smart drugs suck. The
typical CyberWannaBe tried their hardest to make you think they are actually
intelligent. They live for a chance to jump in to a conversation and make it
technical and/or Kharmatic. This Type is probably the most annoying, in that
they think they are a friend to your soul.
Type 6:
The failures. These genetic mishaps are indeed true losers, and seek
personal salvation through looking like a fool.
Type 7:
BeaDazzler (tm) Freak Accident Victims. These unfortunate fellows have
fallen prey to the sadistical, dangerous ploy of yet another InfoMercial.
Conclusion:
I personally have concluded that nosering wearers are almost as sad as VBBS
SysOps. These people (a term I use loosely) think that such idiocy may get them
somewhere in life; it may move them up in the world. Well, it won't. It is
obvious that such stupidity is not practiced without motive. The motive is
always selfish and personally demeaning if revealed.
You and I:
Do I wear a nosering? What a silly question. I do not need such petty
attempts to draw attention from personal ugliness. I am perfect.
Do you wear a nosering? That is not up to me. If you are sad enough, you
will be wearing one soon, if you do not already.
Closing:
To quote Barry Sobol on noserings:
"Are these things like earrings?
If you wear one in your left nostril, you're straight.
If you wear one in your right nostril, you're gay.
If you wear one in between, you're a Water Buffalo.
Get a GRIP, people!"
I thank you for your time, although you all owe it to me.
- NC
< End PuD v2.10, yet v2.5 has yet to be completed! >
Contact us if you want.
BTLK - WWiVNet 2506@14
NC - WWiVNet 2506@36
TBLT - Home WaReZ Dept, Sears Catalog
fReD - No Man's Land <Slammer>
Steve "Satan's Mutt" Brady - Voice 1/205.880.9566 <2am-5am Central>
Roast - 1-800-LLAMA-4U <Thanx, Guido>
Boards to call:
Perfect Anarchy
Virtual Technologies
<*** The Actual End ***>
Francis the UNDEAD Artichoke in "Village Of The DAMNED Artichokes"
<See PuD v1.08> ...coming soon to PuD!
<*** The REAL End ***>
<*** Who's Qedit Man? ***>
<*** End of File, d00D. ***>
