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Pizza Underground Digest Volume 2 Issue 06
[PUD_2_6.TXT]
PuD v2.06
þ PuD 16?
PUD_1_16 was never released and never will be. However, PUD_2_6 bears an
uncanny resemblence to what PuD 16 was supposed to be. Hmm...
Also, for some reason, many of the things mentioned in this hot new PuD
issue (o3-26-93) are extremely outdated. I must be in a time lapse.
ÚÄÄÄ-ùúúù-ÄÄÄ¿
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[PUD_1_16.TXT]
úùþ phUNDaMENTaLS þùú
úùþ of the þùú
úùþ THREE-TOeD SLoTH! þùú
"Mom, do I suck as bad as they say I do?"
- Roland De Graaf
"Yes."
- Mrs. De Graaf
D¡SCL¡MäR
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Tô PiZZA UNDeRGROuND DiGEST ASSuMES N0 LIaBILiTY F0R ANY ABD0MiNAL CRAMPiNG,
BODiLY DISFiGURATiON, OR MENTaL DISSENTiON CAuSED BY THE TEXT CONTAINED HEREiN.
Thank you.
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
þ IN THiS BUSiNESS, YOU LEaD, FOLLoW, 0R GET OuT OF THE WaY
Lee Iacocca said that. We're back. It's us, PuD! Now, we all know that PuD
is the public forum T/FiLE to end all T/FiLEZ, but every now and then we must
swallow our lameness and do somethin' really swass. Look for the complete PuD
Home Library desk reference set Volume 1! It's gonna be slick, suave, and an
extreme waste of time if downloaded at 2400 bps! Yes!
We're not too sure just how the first complete Volume release will be done
yet. We plan to include all issues of PuD #1, as well as a possible bonus
issue, a loader or two, a PuD Viewing util, and more. It should be k00l, and
upwards of a 100k ARJ! What a waste of bytes!
þ RESPoNSE ÷ HaTE MAiL
PRIVaTE E/MAiL: A PLaCE T0 RaNT & RaVE
1/15: aaagh
Name: Necrocixelsyd #9 @2506 (To NO COURiER)
Date: Sun Feb 28 17:41:02 1993
>I'll see you and your short, stumpy neck in hell. What kind of person is
>against someone who owns llamas? I ask you. That would be like saying angels
>suck or demons are christians.
Yeah, whatever you Unix-hacking Satan's Llama. Angels do suck, and so do
llamas. Christians are indeed evil, also. Who else would come up to my door
and ask for donations to help a critically sick child?
My response (Jed Clampett Voice): Them's there sick critter's good eatin'!
Of course, they don't surpass the llama. Have an awful day.
> Seriously, that pud was absolutely great. Of course, you realize I have to
>kill you for insulting llamas now.
They're all great. That goes without saying. What else do you expect from
the one and only PiZZA UNDeRGR0uND DiGEST? Potatoes? Not here. Those are
featured only in bullshit imitations.
Kill me? Yhea, right. I'll get your llamii first. They have 9 lives, so
there is most definately going to be a enchillama fiesta tonight!
PUBLiC MAiL: A PLaCE TO SuCK UP
35/50: Congratulations to Baphomet and No Courier
Name: Necrocixelsyd #9 @2506
Date: Sun Feb 28 17:37:35 1993
>Pud 14 had me wrenching the llama burger I ate. I have rarely seen anything as
>funny. Of course, I'll be watching my llamas tonight with a shotgun and a
>modem.
Thank you for the positive response. We have yet to post a llama burger
recipe, but I should be shedding light upon YuMMY LLaMA FLaMB soon.
Of course, when I shed light upon Llama Flamb, I'll set fire to your llamii.
You had better load that shotgun.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Llama llama bobama banananana fo fama fee fi mo mama... LLaMA!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Featured in this PuD
Christmas Time Congo-Wongo Bongo Mambo Dancing
An Assessment of Roland De Graaf's Pathetic Life
Is the Emu a Threat to the Llama's Theme Animal Monopoly?
A PuD PRaNK KaLL
Forced Vomiting: A Profitable Business
PHundamentals of the Three-Toed Sloth
Unjustified Satan's Mutt BASHiNG
þ C0NG0-W0NG0 B0NG0 MaMB0 DANCiNG
A while back, I met a certain sad wretch of a human, who had had some turbulent
times dealing with his emotions towards certain people of the opposite gender.
Let's call this sad soul Pod.
One of Pod's latest hormonal frenzies has been toward this one rather eccentric
girl, who works (lives, literally) at a record store. However, Pod could not
adjust to the standard required for her hand: C0NG0-W0NG0 B0NG0 MaMB0 DANCiNG.
C0NG0-W0NG0 B0NG0 MaMB0 DANCiNG is comparable to the Hokey Pokey on dangerous
levels of acid. You must grin an awful lot while dancing in this fashion, and
you may want to grunt and snort as well for better authenticity. The key to
congo success is to buy a Jethro Tull CD from this girl as she dances like a
freak. She is only trying to make a buck, and you are only trying to get the
whore on her back. Pay the inflated $15.95.
A nice thing to do to gain the congo girl's attention is to put a glove on your
head, dance like a chicken, and recite Amozonian tribal hymns. This usually
gets you right out in the center of the mall. If not, it will get you taken to
court. Sink or swim. Go or C0NG0!
I'm tired of this. Fuck it.
þ An Assessment of Roland De Graaf's Pathetic Life
Born in a barn - illegal abortion attempt proved futile
Age 1 - Showed strange obsession with inefficient, cumbersome, idiotic things
like Edsels, and his mom.
Age 5 - Played with blocks a lot. He called them functions instead of units.
Age 17 - Hit by a bus - Driver charged with Attempted Murder
Age 22 - Acquired his first copy of QuickBasic
Age 23 - Acquired first copies of Pascal, and C. Promptly Deleted.
Age 25 - Released VBBS
Age 26 - Hit by a bus - Driver awarded Patriot of the Month
Age 27 - Released another rude version of VBBS - Lamers for miles around admire
him, and even his mom cares for him just enough to spit on him once
Age 28 - Hit by a bus - Author Repremanded for lack of creativity
Age 30 - ASSASSiNATED BY PuD
þ Is the Emu a threat to the Llama's Theme Animal Monopoly?
No.
þ A PuD PRaNK KaLL
PuD: Hello, is Chris there?
ViCTIM: I'm sorry; you must have the wrong number.
PuD: Oops. I'm sorry to inconvenience you.
ViCTIM: No problem. <click>
þ PHuNDAMeNTALZ 0F THE THReE-T0eD SLoTH
Forward by JUNior
Phundamentals of the Three-Toed Sloth: the essay, poems, and thereoms
introduced here by NO COURiER; the feature presentation of PuD 1:16.
Hell, so far this issue has been 134 lines of trash, so we had best include
something good. Phundamentals will open your eyes and enlighten your spirit,
and let you learn to love and embrace the summit, the peak of mammalian
evolution: The Three-Toed Sloth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sloths in the Mist - an introductory poem by NO COURiER
He who stalks the tree-dwelling arthropods
And putters along at the speed liked best
There he is; he is
The sloth for our times
Phundamentals - The Prose
Ahh, I remember it like it was yesterday - my first experience with the
three-toed sloth. I walked in to the tavern, feeling the blood rush to my head
as I saw him sitting at the bar. This was the sloth to be feared. His name was
Eggbert. Eggbert was renowned as the baddest sloth in the West - I as well as
many an other feared him. His Mai Tai was on the house, yet he sat inside.
The feelings of tension downed the rooms. Eggbert was wanted in 986 states.
Somebody was bound to say something. He had proved a traitor to the god of
crosstitch. Wanted dead or medium rare.
I sat beside him. I watched his three foretoes slowly tap on the bar out of
the corner of my eye. He was waiting for a word to be said. The 8/Track being
played soon stopped The silence was deafening. A whisper evaded from a dark
corner, and Eggbert, expecting a remark, rose to meet the offender. It was his
mother, Frank. Eggbert quickly drew his gun and let the lead fly like eagles.
He missed. Frank chose not to dissapoint her son, and collapsed to the
floor. The gasps soon filled the tavern's stale air. I left. I don't know
what happened after that, nor do I care, nor should you.
Sloth Phundamentals - The Essay
Sloths have been in fashion for some time now, beginning with Abigail Vrensky,
an upstanding Sloth model who specialized in Toaster Cozies. For a long period
of time, the Sloth fashion underground has been whispered in the offices of
Vogue, Vanity Fair, and National Geographic. There is nothing more compelling
than the sight of a graceful sloth in a sleek evening gown with sombrero.
Lately, our friend the sloth has also had to accept the good and the bad. A
bad rap, per se, has hung above the friendliest of sloths due to the human's
ignorance of their nature. All slothic child sacrifices can be justified, in
the name of the crosstitch god Thimble. The sloths try to select possible
threats to society. They mean well.
My Colleague The Sloth - The Farewell Poem
Goodbye, my comrade.
You have so helped me with my thought,
But they are coming now, to supress all that you have taught.
Farewell, my friend.
The memories are held on to,
But I can't go on without you.
Won't you help me, noble one?
Your wisdom lead us all through strife,
but without your strength there can't be life.
Will you assist us, gallant one?
As the evil clock keeps ticking,
my toenails need a clipping.
You're the artisan.
þ LeT'S BaSH SATaN'S MuTT
A little while back, Baphomet and I stumbled across what we thought would be
an exception to Huntsville's 110% LaME rule. Well, he seemed c00l at first, but
let us examine the idiotic Satan's Mutt, or Intruder. He has proved to be the
lamer to end all lamers - VBBS SysOps for miles around are proud of him.
I first talked to Intruder via his BBS, where he instinctivly pulled me in to
chat as soon as the modems connected.
> I should of known from right there that he was quite lame.
Anyway, I talked to him for a little while - he was running ViSiON v.83.
> I should of known he was lame.
Anyway, he was pretty cool for a little while - he seemed to know his shit
better than most of the protazoa that disgraces Huntsville's modem community.
I soon talked to him voice, and he was bragging about his Sony BetaMax.
> I should of known he was very lame.
He spoke of all the K/RaD k00l things he did in Ft. Worth, and how he was a
major phreak and hacker and evrything - He knew what a PBX was. I was almost
proud of sad-ass Huntsville for once. Approximately .00001 of it's population
now knew what a PBX was. However, he soon came to bragging about how fast his
keyboard refresh rate was.
> I should of known he was very, very lame.
Baphomet was nice enough (for once) to give the kid a copy of the new
ViSiON/X. Of course, Intruder was still running (and still is today) a sad-ass
copy of FrontDoor v2.01 Unreg'ed.
> I should of known he was very, very, very lame.
Baphomet was also nice enough for a little while to help out Intruder with his
Pascal coding. Soon enough, Intruder couldn't clear the screen in Turbo Pascal
without asking Baphomet for a toolkit.
> I should of known he was VERY, VERY, VERY FUCKiN' lame.
At this point, Baphomet and I realized that he was prone to fits of lameness.
If only we knew that he would soon take the cake. Baphomet and I would crack on
him often while speaking with him voice, but I don't think he realized we were
serious. We started cracking on his very existance. "So, you want to form an
alliance named after your rude attempt at a software development company?
HA! Get a life you fuckin' lamer. Why don't you form your own alliance of fags
with your suck-buddy VBBS friends."
That was what the conversations started to amount to. He didn't seem to get
the point.
> I started to realize he was EXTREMeLY FUCKiN' lame.
Eventually, he began to see that we really didn't like him very much. Boo
fuckin' hoo, mama's boy. He started to get pissed when we wouldn't take him or
his BBS seriously. He dropped carrier on us for joking around on his big bad
Infoforms.
> I started to realize he was the EPiTOME of lameness.
One day, the loser decided to be all slick and try to hack a local WWiV board,
Shade's, after I told him REPEATeDLY N0T to. I soon heard of all the bullshit,
and the fuckin' idiot tries to tell me it was a joke, and he was just seeing if
the new WWiV could be hacked like that, with the LAME-ASS pkunzip.bat.
> I realized that I would dot his eye if we met in person.
The lamer continued to deny it, as I chatted with him via one of his lame-ass
ViSiON chat screens, and was being fed true information from Baphomet voice at
the same time. He said he did it under his real name. "Is `Satan's Mutt' on
your birth certificate?" I asked. I then had the decency to tell him that if he
EVER, EVER, pissed me off AGAiN, I would knock him out, 'cuz momma said so.
I'll have to jump to that soon.
> I realized that I would KiLL HIM IF WE MeT IN PeRS0N.
Now I hear NecroPixieStik need's Intruder's nose surgically removed from his
ass. Somehow, Syd was groveled to enough to where he was specified as Co-SysOp
of Intruder's board. Well Necro, I though you were pretty cool. A good source
of free food. I must of been wrong...
Soon enough, Intruder will see his IDE drives lose cylinders, and his .EXE and
.COM files mysteriously disappear. Yeah, I'll do this under my REaL FUCKiN'
NaME, T00.
- NO COURiER
Ä-ùú End PuD Issue 16, Volume 1 úù-Ä
SUPPoRT:
E/MAiL any contributions or submissions to:
NO COURiER ----------------- WWiVNet 2506@36
Baphomet the Limbo King ---- WWiVNet 2506@14
Catch the newest PuD issues on PROJeCT/X - 205.883.0894
1200/14.4k WWiVNet @2506
<*** End of FUCKiN File ***>
<*** End of PUD_2_6.TXT ***>
