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Poor Old Ugly Pompous Electronic Yams 19
Poupey #19.
I was having a mid life crises; I wanted to kill. I walked around, seeing
republicans. Conformists. Pre pubvescent girls liking hanson. Ohhh..
hanson.. a buncha androgonystic FREAKS! Reminds me of a clever anectdote..
involving a female version of hanson.. a bunch of midget farmers, and 8
foot tall prostitute.. but I digress. I wanted to kill all of them. But I
knew my meager means of killing, aka knives and if I was lucky guns..
would not be sufficent for this task.. even if I could get them all
together.. they would probably beat me in a brawl.. safety and numbers and
all. So I choose the logical course... noo not pretending not to hate them
or going to a psychiatrist.. I went to an army surplus store and bought an
old WW2 bomber!!! Heres how it went..:
Nybar "Umm.. Eye vould like un ick bin ein bonnissski, fom ww2, to jude a
verracke."
Army Surplus Guy "Umm.. so... let me get this straight... you want a WW2
bomber.. to..."
Nybar "JUDE A VERRACKE!"
Army Surplus guy *whips out his quick and E-Z german-english dictionary.*:
"Umm.. slaughter the jews. Thats nice... tell me.. just.. how old are
you?"
Nybar "Ummm... 21."
Army Surplus Guy "Uh huh.. soooo... how much money do you have?"
<nybar punches the army surplus guy, then tackles him>
2 hours later, nybar is in a red baron getup, crusing the skies over
newark DE with a genuine authentic WW2 bomber.
Nybar "Wow.. theres still bombs on this thing!" *nybar pushes the bombing
button.* "Woowoo! Look out below! hahah! Get it?! Like.. it will fall on
people down there! And explode! GET IT?!#$ Oh yeah forgot.. need to kill
annoying trendy people.."
*nybar checks the fuel guage*
Nybar "OUT OF FUEL!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!$#@!#$!#$!$#@
THIS IS BAD AND STUFF!@$# SHEIST! I CAN'T LAND OVER THE CITY! THEY'LL
ARREST ME!@$!@$"
*nybar brings his plane around, and makes a successful landing next to a
worn out fuel station, skirting PA. Nybar walks casually up to the bored
clerk.*
Nybar "Ummm.. I.. ahh.. ya see.. I had.. an accident. I need fuel."
Fuel Clerk "Ok.. if the fuel fits.. use it!"
Nybar "Well.. what an odd remark.."
Fuel Clerk "How will you be paying for your transaction?"
Nybar "Ohhh.. umm.." *nybar kicks the fuel clerk in the groin the bring
his foot down on his ankle.. and breakkksss the bonnee.. baw daw daw daw..
bow daw daw daw.. Woo.. When flying a plane.. always wear yer seatbelt
son.. thats one of my rullless.. whoops forgot what I was talking about..
I do that sometimes.* "Credit card accepted. Hehehe.. I'm so witty."
Clerk "No you aren't.."
*nybar kicks the clerk in the face*
Nybar "Yes I am..... STUPID! Bwahahah.. man I'm funny.."
*nybar fills his ww2 bomber full of fuel.*
bawwwdewwwwwbawwwwdeewwwww
Nybar "SHIT THE COPS!@$!@$"
putputputputputputputputput
Nybar "Apparently in a very slow moving car.... except if.... OH NO! IT'S
THE SOUND MAKER GUY FROM POLICE ACCADEMY!!@$#!#@$"
Sound Maker Guy "Hrmm.. a stolen ww2 bomber.. CHA CHING. Mine now...
EEPEEPEEP!"
*nybar jumps into his bomber, and uses the machine gun to mow down the
sound maker*
Sound Maker Guy "Danger.. Danger.. Red alert.. Vital Signs Fading..
ahhhhhhhh....."
Nybar "POLICE ACADEMY SUCKED!$#$@!#$"
Suddenly, thousands of fan boys jump from every bush.
Fanboy Leader "Wee knew you'd slip up eventually.."
Nybar "Umm... ohh shit."
All the fanboys say things like "May kirk scorn you!" And try to get
nybar.
*nybar flies away in his bomber, then drops 1 of his remaining 5 bombs on
em'.*
Nybar "Court is adjourned.. hehehe. Wait what did that mean? Hrm.. I just
noticed.. every person I've met in this story so far has been either
beaten up or killed.. ahhh well."
*nybar, not know how to read a compass, tries to turn back but only
succeeds in turning 360 degrees*
Nybar "Now, back to DE to store this baby and see if I can't get all the
hanson liking conformist future repulicans together in one bombable area..
maybe host a *shudder* hanson con."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in the First Metroplis Bank.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
*a man wearing a ski mask shows a gun and yells*: I'M HERE TO ROB THIS BANK!#$@"
just then.. another wearing a stocking on his head does the same.
After that two others, one wearing a gorrilla mask (yeah.. THAT won't
attract attention..) do the same.
The first robber "Hey.. we're all trying to rob the SAME BANK!@$ well
might as well go on a killing spree."
*he opens up with a sub machine gun he was carrying.*
The Second Robber "Um... *the second robber is hit by the first's bullets
and dies on the spot. Too bad.. he was about to cite proof of fermat's
last therum and give the universal theory of everything. You see, he was
just robbing banks to get the funding to publish his work. Okok.. I admit
it.. I am just lying my ass off to upset all of the psyicists and
mathmaticians reading this. Oh wait there aren't any.. umm... never
mind!@$*"
The third robber "OK, I ADMIT IT! I'M NOT A MAN!@$ I'M REALLY JUST 3
MIDGETS IN A BIG SUIT! WE WERE ONLY ROBBING THE BANK FOR LIMB LENGTHING
TREATMENT@!$ BUT NOW WE RESPECT AND LOVE BEING SMALL!"
The Second Midget "Um, not me. I think you've gone insane.. bye.." *he is
shot by the first robber*
The Fourth Robber (in the gorrilla mask): OK, IF YOU GUYS CAN BE HONEST,
ME TOO! I *REALLY AM* A GORRILLA!@$!@$... (he throws his toupee out of the
window) AND I'M BALD!@$!@$
First Robber "Umm.. this is getting wierd.. I just wanna kill people!
wahhhh! Hey I just realized.. we are the original cast from cheers!#@ Well
all of us left alive! This is amazing! Wow! Now we've ALL had a moment of
revelation! Yup, and all of us found hapiness.. each and eveeeeryyyyy one
of us. And NOTHING can take THAT away!"
<a rogue ww2 bomber flying overhead accidentaly discharges some of it's
payload.. A BOMB.. and the bank explodes.>
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to "ThE `bArZ" Perspective
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nybar is talking to jubjub on a cellphone he managed to find.. somewhere
or other. Best not to ask.
Nybar "...Ok.. so for buisness matters, or whenever we are in public..
Call me "The Bar." It's like a cool nickname. Nybarius is too formal and
nybar isn't cool enough. So whenever I need to sound cool, and
intimidating, it's THE BAR!"
OH WHEN EVIL COMES TO DANCE, HE WILL PROBABLY WET HIS PANTS, IT'S THE
BARRRRR!!
Nybar "Excuse me.. did you just say that?"
Jubjub "Hmm.. no."
Nybar "So... whats happening back there..?"
Jubjub "Well.. some psycho dropped a bomb on the town.."
Nybar "Um.. whoops.. hehehe.. I was just testing to see if it was live.."
Jubjub "I.. think I'd rather not ask.. hey.. where are you? I'm getting
alot of backround noise.."
Nybar "Oh.. you might say.. the sky is the limit."
Jubjub "Why have you been trying to be witty throughout the issue?"
Nybar "I dunno, but IIIIIII like it."
Jubjub "Um.. ok whatever."
Nybar "AH YOU IDIOT YOU DISTRACTED ME I'M GOING DOWN
BWAHHHHHHHH!@$#@!$@!$@$!@!$!@$!$@!#"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jubjub's perspective.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jubjub (talking into a phone): Nybar? NyBAR? Hellooo? The bar? Hmm..
dang.. I guess I made him crash. Sure hope he doesn't die.. that would
suck. YYYYup. Think I'll get some tortolinni.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nybar's Perspective.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nybar "AHHHHHHHHHHH!$@!@#@!$@!#$!$@ *nybar desperately pulls up on the
lever.. just barely managing to bring it to a decent crash landing*
*nybar rolls around for a while, on fire. luckily, the fire didn't get to
the engine before he suffocated it.*
Nybar "Ahhh shit.. these landings are getting worse and worse... hrm.. I
really should be in DE by now.. maybe I overshot.."
*nybar walks up to a house where a person is sitting on the porch.*
Nybar "I think I'm lost.."
Woman "Are you supposed to be in Iowa?"
Nybar "No."
Woman "Well.. then I don't know if you are lost or not.. I'm not good a
geography. Do you happen to know where this is?"
Nybar "No."
Woman "NO ONE WILL TELL ME!@$ YOU KNOW DON'T YOU!#@$
BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!@#!@$!@$ Sorry I get that way sometimes. Wanna fuck? 5
bucks."
Nybar "No money.. sorry... ahh.. tell me.. is there a machinist anywhere
around here?"
Woman "If you pay me 5 dollars to fuck you I will tell you. I'll suck yer
balls!"
Nybar "Really, no."
Woman "YOU THINK I'M UGLY! YOU HATE ME! BWUHHHHH!@$$$$$$!@$!@$@!$"
Nybar "Hrm... you seem to have pretty.. um.. vapid?.. mood changes."
Woman "Ohh.. well WAY TO MAKE ME DEPRESSED! ASSHOLE!"
Nybar "Heheh.. and yer a little chubby.... piggy."
Woman "wELL NOW YOU'VE SET OFF MY BULIMIa!@$"
Nybar "Oh.. and your hair is falling out.."
Woman (sobbing): Are you having fun?
Nybar "Hehhe.. yes.. very much so... and I've guessed your secret, crazy
woman! Or should I say.. PRINCESS DI!!"
Woman *sobbing to much to talk*
Nybar "I've always hated you you little fucking brat.. prepare to be
emotionally assaulted, CHUBBY CHEEKS! Your mother is so worthless she's...
REALLY worthless. I chopped yer kid's balls off. Oh, and I made him suck
my cock for.. 6 hours."
Princess Di *explodes*
Nybar "I GUESS I HAVE AN EXPLOSIVE PERSONALITY! HAHAHAHAH!@$ GET IT?!
*EXPLOSIVE!* HEHE! YA KNOW?! SHE <EXPLODED!> GET IT! HEE! IT'S *FUNNY!*
Oh never mind."
*nybar, deciding to have some fun, puts on the former STUPID WOMAN'S.. er
I mean princess'.. clothes.*
Nybar "It's sheerly a comfort thing!"
-editors note.. yeesh.. I don't even know what to say.
*nybar struts along the road, and then see's an engineers convention.*
Nybar (thinking): Hrmmmm.... lets see.. if the past is any indicator of
the future, which according to chaos theory it can't be.. then.. I must be
destined to kill all of those engineers, even though they could fix my
plane! Then why have a stupid conversation?!*
Nybar "HI EVERYONE!@$!@$#@!$!@$#" *nybar starts shooting with a shotgun
which he took from the plane*
Engineer #1 "Ah, so you know about reverse transfusional destiny AYE?!@$"
Nybar "When I don't understand things.... I LASH OUT!#$!$@
BWHAHAH!@$#@!$#"
*nybar BLASTS engineer #1*
Nybar (thinking): Oh shit.. I forgot.. these are engineers! It's a
CONVENTION!!! THEY MUST HAVE BROUGHT THERE ROBOTS!@$!@$#
Hal "Nybar, what are you doing?"
Nybar "I'm going to shoot you HAL. You see, you've been infected with the
old yeller virus."
Nybar's Son, Billy "Don't shoot ol' HAL daddy!"
Nybar "IT'S A FUCKING COMPUTER! I'LL SHOOT IT WHENEVER I WANT!@!$@!$!"
Nybar's Son, Billy "Blahblahblahblah whinewhinewhine I like dogs
blahhhblahhh.."
Nybar "Ohh forget it, lets consider this a late abortion."
Nybar's Son, Billy "Uh oh.." CHK-CHK BOOM!@$ *billy flies in all
directions.*
Hal "Lets go to las vegas."
Nybar "*NOW* yer' talkin'!! We can pick up froboy on the way, he's a
regular party guy. Besides, we can use his hair as a suitcase!"
Hal "Wow, neat0! I can fix the plane, don't worry. Also, I'll maintain
your cryogenically frozen friends!!"
Nybar "Umm.. and who might they be?"
Hal "Hehehe, got that right."
Nybar "HAL, I think it's gonna be allllllllll right."
OR WILL IT?
To be continued.......
============================================================================
NNNNNNNNext!
============================================================================
(jubjub sits watching TV)
Jubjub "Hrm, I wonder when nybar is going to come home.. actually, I
wonder how he got that WW2 bomber.. hrm.."
<nybar walks in, looking dashing in his red baron costume>
Jubjub "Oh.. hi... I ordered pizza.. but I figured you wouldn't want any."
(nybar just stands there.)
Jubjub "Nybar?"
(nybar looks at jubjub and says): "What do you want? Can't you see I'm
thinking?"
Jubjub "Oh.. yeah.. whatever."
Nybar "Hey jubs.... do you think William F. Buckley has enough money to
buy a tank?"
Jubjub "Probably, why?"
Nybar (smiling): "I, have, a.. PLAN!.. let me explain..."
---
Jubjub "Could you go through that again?"
Nybar "What do you mean.. I just said let me explain and then.. oh I see
it's one of THOSE stories.. ok yeah, well I go to the house with the aclu
card.."
Jubjub "Um, how are we going to get an ACLU card?"
Nybar "Your right.. I don't want to give mine up.. maybe we could just
write 'ACLU' on a piece of paper."
Froboy "It's BRILLIANT!"
Nybar "Aren't you supposed to be in missouri?"
Froboy "Oh, they rode me out of town with pitchforks.."
Nybar "They only started chasing you after you put on that chase music!!"
Froboy "Oh yeah, wel-- hey how did you know that?"
Nybar (with an air of mystery, twilight zone music plays..): "I know many
things.. life.. death.. eternity--"
Jubjub "Get back to the plan." *the music stops*
Nybar "Oh yeah, we sneak into the bathroom, and then use shaving cream on
their panties!! HEE-HEE!"
Jubjub "Nono! The plan involving William F Buckly and a tank.."
Nybar "Oh yeah... well, we get into the house pretending to be aclu people
there to give him a free membership, as long as he buys us a tank."
Froboy (sarcastically): "Ohh.. THATS free, woowoo, yeah, free tanks, tanks
are just LYING AROUND EVERYWHERE!!"
Nybar "Really?! WHERE? WHERE?!?! we don't NEED this plan if thats the
case!!!!!"
Froboy "Oh... nevermind.. go on."
Nybar "Ok, so if he doesn't agree to buy us a tank, we go to plan
XZ-Twelve.. we throw a bottle of seltzer that we shook up alot at him so
that it explodes, and after he dies a wet death, we loots his house,
hopefully garnering enough money for a tank! And the great thing is, since
I threatened to help ambrose bierce overthrow the government.. the cops
can't do anything!!"
Jubjub "Um.. Ambrose Bierce?"
Froboy "You know.. the devil's dictionary?"
Jubjub (obviously not understanding.): "Ohhh I see."
<mission impossible music plays.>
Nybar "Jubjub, you get 2 seltzer waters, one as a test. Froboy, go to
WFB's house, I'll meet you there. I'll stay here: BOOGEYING!"
Dancin', DANCIN', *DANCIN'*.. he's a dancin machinneee..
*nybar breaks out with a funky mashed potato. a bunch of ladies in
bikinies who were fired from the cast of batman start dancing too.*
Nybar "Congo line!! Everybody!"
(jubjub and froboy look ashamed and then go off on their duties.)
15 minutes later, at the line at the grocery store.
Jubjub (muttering to himself): "Two dollars?! For 2 things of SELTZER?!
I'll show them.. (picks up one seltzer bottle, slow motion.) gooooooooo
tooooooooo hellllll fooodd booyyssss~@$!@$!@$@!$ (shakes up the seltzer
the tosses it, resulting in a HUGE explosion and a WAVE of juice. He jumps
from the store, the blast carrying him.)"
Jubjub (rubbing the dust of his hands and smirking): "Test successful."
(jubjub walks into the direction of WFB's house, then see's something and
kneels down.): "A butterfinger!! It must have been carried by the blast!
You are now my first child.. I shall name you,Mr.Chocolate. Come, Mr.
Chocolate, let us carry out nybar's plan!"
===========================================================================
Meanwhile, on the froboy front!!
===========================================================================
(we see nothing, but then a strange voice comes in:) "You have really
good.... pie here in twin peaks."
"Coffee tooo."
(we see froboy waltzing with a unicorn standing on it's hind legs in the
forest. there is a traffic light there. wierd.)
Jubjub "Froboy? Frobooy..? Froboy!"
*froboy stops dreaming.*
Froboy "Ah, yo."
Jubjub "Were you dreaming about Twin Peaks again?"
Froboy "Um.... no. You were."
Jubjub "Oh."
Froboy "When is nybar going to be here?"
Jubjub "D'no."
Froboy "Um.. this is kind of an uncomfortable situation.. ya know.. two
minor characters.. I can't remember one time without nybar here that--"
Jubjub "FINE, LETS FIGHT!!"
*froboy, remembering his days as the god of wrestling, quickly subdues
jubjub.*
Froboy "Well, I guess I showed him!"
(froboy grabs a butterfinger and a bottle of seltzer from jubjub.): "I WAS
kind of hungry.." (froboy begins to eat Mr. Chocolate.. that poor lil'
guy.)
jubjub "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!#$!#!#%"
*froboy beings to open the seltzer.*
Jubjub (in slow motion.): "Nottttttttttttttttt...... theeeeeeeeeeeee...
SELTZZERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"
Froboy "Eh?"
(as froboy opens the seltzer, a resounding FIZZ and a HUGE WAVE of water
engulfs jubjub and froboy. Will our not so hero's perish?!?! The answer,
is up to you. turn to page 12 to see them perish, turn to page 14 to see
them live.)
Froboy "Wow, wierd."
Jubjub "Well thats just GREAT, now we need MORE... SELTZER!"
Froboy "No *WE* don't, YOU do."
Jubjub (sighs): "Arghh.. fine. First lemme rest.."
=============================================================================
Nybar's Perspective (tm)
=============================================================================
(nybar is still dancing on his porch): "Yeah! GET DOWN!!!"
(nybar's ww2 bomber, manned by hal, swoops in low, machine guns blazing.)
Nybar "Damn you hal! I assumed you just tried to kill the guys on that
space craft cause they were weenies!!!"
(nybar dances much faster, to the tone of the gatling gun. howww poetic.
oh man, it's like.. it's all clear now. yeah! dang, there goes my cosmic
vision powers..)
Nybar "Damn, I'll have to meet up with jubjub and froboy.. hopefully they
have the tank.. and it has anti-aircraft guns!"
*nybar ducks, then flees like a big monkey with a postal employee after it*
Nybar (smoking a bigass cigaratte): "One thing to remember me by!"
(nybar grabs a huge gat out of his coat, and starts blasting away.): "DAMN
YOU OL' YELLER *VIRUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!@$!@$@!$#!#@$!#@$!#$"
(nybar manages to take out two of hal's spinny rotating things.)
Nybar "BWAHAHAH@#$@!#$ YOU CAN'T KILL ME! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!#@$
BWAHSHTH!H#JR%#!JTG!#!#$"
*nybar flees to WFB's house, where he sights froboy.*
Froboy "Hiya."
Nybar "Jubjub come back yet?"
Froboy "Nah.. um.. I had an accident, as they say, with one of the
bottles."
Nybar "And the other?"
Froboy "Well, he blew up a grocery store with it."
Nybar "At least they work."
Froboy "Yup."
Nybar "You two surre are incompetent. I managed to get a ww2 bomber in
less then 20 minutes.."
Froboy "Speaking of which.. what happened to it?"
Nybar (blushing): "I'd rather not talk about it."
Froboy "Oh.. um.. he lost all the seltzer, I sent him to get more."
Nybar "He LOST BOTH OF THEM?!$# How??"
Froboy "Welll.. ahh.. he tried to drink one of them and it exploded!"
Nybar "And the other?"
Froboy "Heeeeee... tried to drink that too."
Nybar "Wait a sec.. you're telling me that FIRST.. he OPENED one of them..
and it EXPLODED, and then he was idiotic enough to open ANOTHER one,
THAT'S what you are saying, am I right? AM I RIGHT???? IS HE THAT MUCH OF
AN IDIOT?!?!?!?!?"
Froboy "Ummm..... yep."
Jubjub walks in.
Nybar (smacks jubjub)
Jubjub "Hey, what was that for???"
Nybar "For being an idiot. Now, do you have the seltzer?"
Jubjub "Ahh, yes sir."
Nybar jubjub and froboy walk from the clearing in the trees they are in
towards WFB's house.. and find charred wreckage! no worse, CHARRED
WRECKAGE SORROUNDED BY THE FUZZ!@$#
Nybar "WHAT THE FUCK?@!#$"
Copper 1 "Well.. it seems that some madman dropped a bomb over the town
from an old ww2 bomber.. this is where it landed.."
Nybar "Umm.. ahh.."
Jubjub "Uhh.."
Froboy "Well...."
Nybar "Oh fuck it.. THROW THE SELTZER!#@$"
(As nybar jubjub and froboy jump away, a huge blast rips through the
coppers, leaving them sprawled on the ground.)
Copper 1 "argh... I think one of those guys is the same one who took out
that supermarket earlier today.."
A SWAT team arrives. Nybar "Uh oh.."
Swat Team Leader-Joe "Up against the wall motherfuckers!@$"
Nybar "What walls?"
Swat Team Leader-Joe "Don't try to talk yer way out of this one!"
Nybar "Ok.. I guess you've got me.. I'll go peacefully, and I hope to
become a good, law abiding citizen in the future."
Swat Team Leader-Joe "Why, that's beautiful, if only the cops and the
citizens could always work together like this, I feel it would already be
heav--"
Nybar "NOW!"
Nybar jubjub and froboy take double barreled shotguns out from behind
their backs and DESTROY the SWAT team.
Nybar "I can't believe they fell for that.."
Jubjub "Well, they are dumb pigs.."
Nybar "Yeah, but they must have been PRETTY DAMN STUPID to fall for it
anyway.."
Copper 1 "Stop harassing innocent cops!#$"
Nybar "Oh shaddup piggy. You're so fat that you NOT ONLY ordered a double
cheesburger, large pepsi, and a large fries at mcdonalds.. you SUPERSIZED
it."
Copper 1 "Who's laughing now?" *he gestures behind him, showing the
original people who were knocked out by the seltzer recovered, and another
SWAT team.*
*nybar throws up his hands*
Nybar "I suppose you are.."
=========================================================================
Jubjub's Perspective.
=========================================================================
Jubjub (approaching the second grocery store.): "Grumble mumble.. tell ME
to get more seltzer.. Grumble grumble grumble.."
*Jubjub approaches the counter of the grocery store with a surly look*
Jubjub "Give me two seltzers, now."
Shopkeeper "I think you need to get the seltzers yourself, then we can let
you buy them."
Jubjub (mumbled): "hrm.. see if I don't blow you assholes up..
Mumblemumble."
MEANWHILE, JUBJUB'S INNER SOUL!
Superego "Wow, mumblemumble? Thats some pretty pathetic mumbling."
Ego "Checkmate! Hah, lapse in concentration aye?"
Back to external "Reality"
*jubjub falls over and begins having a seizure*
jubjub "glabebrbgbt!"
Shopkeeper (jumps the counter): "I hope this doesn't mean another
lawsuit!!!"
Jubjub (stands up) "Ohghh.. I'm fine.."
Shopkeeper "Sure?"
Jubjub "Well.. ahh... as it turns out... your huge prices touched off my
epileptic fits... right now I would be fine.. IF I could have just 2
seltzer free.."
Shopkeeper (eager to kiss ass): "Done."
Shopkeeper (thinking): "That idiot, he could have gone home with a hefty
lawsuit and instead he gets 2 seltzers."
Jubjub (thinking): "This saves me the trouble of blowing up his store.."
Jubjub "Oh.. and I want that 'I had an epileptic fit and all I got was 2
seltzers.' shirt too."
Shopkeeper "Done and done!"
Jubjub waltzes off to WFB's house... and you know what happens next.. OR
DO YOU?! DUH, DUH.. DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. In this case, you do.
TO BE CONTINUED.
=========================================================================
Fine.. I'll tell you about my prison time.
=========================================================================
j j
u froboyfroboyfroboyfroboyfroboy u
b Nybar: THE CAGE b
j By, Nybar j
u nybarnybarnybarnybarnybarnybar u
b b
Nybar (doing pullups on the top bunk in his crappy cell): "Do you
know how many people *I* killed?"
Jubjub "Yeah... I was there remember?"
Nybar "Ohhh yeah, actually I do... well.. do YOU know how many
people I killed?"
Froboy "Yup, I was there to.."
Nybar "Damn.. well there goes my whole impressed prison audience."
Froboy "Whatever... lets get back to talking about how to get
out.."
Nybar "Wellll... hey jubjub I hear you have epileptic fits.."
Jubjub "Yes, that is true."
Nybar "Maybe we could use that.."
Jubjub "What could you use now?"
Nybar "Your epileptic fits.."
Jubjub "Epileptic fits?" (thinking): "Better put my full brain
power to this problem...."
-----
6 hours later
-----
Nybar "Jubjub?"
Jubjub "Huh?"
Nybar "Oh.. I thought you were dead... now.. do you have any new
information about those fits of yours?"
Jubjub "Fits?"
*nybar SMACKS jubjub*
Jubjub "Um.. oh yeah those.. maybe I could.. umm.. have one when
the guard comes to feed us?"
Nybar "That might be good for creating a diversion.. but how
could we take advantage of it?"
Froboy "Well, I do have a whole arsenal of weapons and a division
of steman in yo heads stationed in my fro..."
Nybar "And.. you are only just now mentioning this?@!"
Froboy "You didn't need them before."
Nybar "Uh.. oh."
*an armed guard opens the cell door.*
Guard "Feeding time!"
Jubjub (spasms on the ground): "Grghn1rtjgvhng235!#%R"
Guard "Not ANOTHER breakout attempt.. okok I'll just get up
against the wall..."
Nybar "Yeah! MOVE OUT!"
*2 inches later, he encounters the door to the prison.*
Nybar "This is a pretty small prison.."
Guard "Yeah, damn democrats.."
Nybar *shrugs* "Whatever."
===========================================================================
The saga continues... poon-tang, poon-tang.
===========================================================================
Shortly after escaping from prison, nybar was going to school. On the
way, he saw a figure STREAK by him. If it was what he thought it was, then
it only meant dire news. He raced after it, and got a brief glimpse, only
confirming the terrifying news. It was a man on a wheel chair. But not an
ordinary wheelchair... a FAST wheelchair! A MANUEVERABLE wheelchair! Were
not wheel chairs supposed to make the infirm even more pathetic and
hapless?!?! This beat down the whole system! EVEN SOMEONE WITH FULL USE OF
HIS LEGS WOULDN'T MIND RIDING ON ONE OF THOSE!!! He then knew his only
recourse was to bring to bear the great knowledge that his grandfather,
frank the cripple, and through him, the full weight of the Anti-ADA
(american disability act) action.
---------------------------
The next day, in a dank room with anti-ada propoganda all over,
nybar sits and talks to frank the cripple, (frank being in an old broken
down wheelchair.)
---------------------------
Nybar "Frank.. have you ever heard of wheelchairs which go.. oh
I'd say around 75 miles an hour.. and are quite manueverable?"
Frank "WHAT?! HAVE YOU SEEN ONE?!$"
Nybar "Huh? Why?"
Frank "There are.. only thirteen. They were made by a freaking
liberal scientist.. he planned to mass produce them.. make cripples NORMAL
citizens.. able to "Function" in society! HAH. Just like those freaks that
claim retards and JEWS deserve compassion!"
Nybar "Wow.. how was that terrible demagogue stopped?!?!"
Frank "Well.. us anti-ada people hobbled our way to his house.. it
took several weeks to get there.. but when we got there we managed to
destroy him, his plans, and all his prototypes. Or so we thought. Just a
year previously, an order of the 12 appeared, with identical plans as his
own, except all along the way they planned to hinder the anti-ada
movement. So far, they have stopped us from reviving the classical idea by
Jonathan Swift to feed the babies of poor people to their parents..
bringing the fault of nuclear weapons down on women (before women got the
vote, there were no nuclear weapons.. BEFORE women got the vote..) AND
making old people slaves of their sons!"
Nybar "Why.. thats terrible.. but surely, they don't intend to
carry out the mad scientests original plan?????!!!!!!!!!!!"
Frank "I'm afraid they do.. they've already discerned the plans
AND upgraded them. Right now they are in the process of building factories!!"
Nybar "But can't the goverment stop this?!"
Frank "They've tried.. but sadly none of them seem to be druggies
or homosexuals.."
Nybar "Then it's up, to ME. I'll need weapons though."
Frank "Here, take a look at the anti-ADA stockpile." *he slowly
waves nybar into the back room of his crappy apartment, where a whollleee
bunch of guns and knives glisten*
Nybar (looking the weapons over): "Whats this sword here?"
Frank "Made of zircon oxide, with a lead core to add weight. Can
cut through lesser metals.."
Nybar "IIII like it! Can it do anything else?"
Frank "The hilt, if screwed off, contains a powerful explosive..
powerful enough to level a building the size of the stay puff marshmellow
man!!"
Nybar "Nifty! It have a scabbard?"
Frank (pointing): "Yup, over there."
Nybar "I'll also this shotgun.."
Frank "Thanks for imposing on me"
Nybar "Hey no prob ya worthless cripple you."
Frank (smiles and looks dreamy)
Nybar (Punches frank): "NEver smile at me."
Frank "Sorry master.. oh, before you go, be warned, there will be
a squad of cripples in newark after I inform the anti-ADA movement that
one of the thirteen was sited in newark."
Nybar "Fine."
(nybar walks off)
Nybar (thinking): "Hrm.. a most daunting task... lets see.. if I
were an ada freak where would I go.."
He sees a Grateful Dead concert notice.
Nybar "It's just crazy enough to work! EATING BABIES! Oh, I mean..
ahh..." *he blushes* "Going to a liberal druggie concert to catch a bunch
of liberal not druggies.."
*at the concert*
Nybar (eyeing obvious hippie): "Hey man.. would you like some.. lsd?"
Hippie "Nahh I'm clean man."
Nybar "Ok free.."
Hippie "No really, I don't want any.."
Nybar "TAKE IT!" (he thrusts a little pad into the hippies hand)
Hippie "fine FINE."
Nybar "Ok yer under arrest punk up against the wall."
Hippie "You aren't a cop!"
Nybar "We've all gotta band together to stop those terrible drugs.
Ya see, it starts with the kids and marijuana--"
3 hours later
Nybar "Damn he left... well no matter I'm looking for people on
fast wheelchairs anyway."
A stupid teen (thinking nybar is some really popular person)
"There he is!!"
50 other stupid teens rally besides the other!
Music from The Monkies plays, as, in black and white, they scream
and chase Nybar around..
They chase him behind an alley...
When we see them again, a big rat is chasing them and nybar is
being pulled by it on a leash.
Cut to: the teens looking around while nybar is up in a tree,
with a big fat cat on his lap.
WOOF!!! WOOF!! A *BIG* DOG climbs the tree! It's benji, and he's
out for BLOOOODD! The teens SCREAM and RUNN!!
Nybar, skillfully wielding a rolled up newspaper, smacks benji
and sternly admonishes "Bad dog!"
Benji makes for the groin, but nybar brandishes his Zircon Oxide
sword. Benji, knowing he has been defeated, bows
his head. Nybar attaches him to a leash which was coviently
sitting around, and then finds himself at the
headquarters of the fast wheelchair boys. Nybar (stupidly
talking and probably giving away his position..): "Hey,
HOW'D I get here?!" The Voice of PotaNyb <the fusion of potato
and nybarius god.. meaning the writer>: "It saves me the time of having to
write you finding it."
Nybar "Oh. Hey, isn't having a character know he's in a story and talk to
the writer Eerie's <who IS black damnit!> stupid overused trick?" PotaNyb
"Can't talk now, my home planet needs me!" <potanyb's frame is poorly
pulled from the screen, and a voice-over says "Note: he died on the way to
his home planet>
3 hours later...
My eyes blaze red like the fires of hell in the darkness of the
bush I've been sitting in for the past 10 hours.
He's hunting me. He is of a smallish stature, wielding a
seemingly unbreakable sword with an improvised hilt, 12 cats and a mad dog
at his side, insane destruction at his back. He is hunting me.. I need to
move soon. I just made a big stinky in my pants and if I stay I'll get
tired and sit on it, as richie so often suggested. I.. oh damn here he is.
Nybar "Prepare to die!%#@! HJYFEDH! I'll stab yer head off! WITH
MY DICK! SUCK IT!@$ CAUSE I'm A MADDDD MANN!@@! AHAHVGBVHAGAHHAHAHAHA!
DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!"
The Leader of the Wheel-Chair Guys (w/o his wheelchair): "Don't
you realize that republican doctrine is just a thinly veiled attempt to
control out entire lives, using liar churches for ideas?"
Nybar "But.. but.. gloaqh.. if we cut all welfare today people
will work...."
The Leader "That's ridiculous, most 50 year olds on welfare would
just: A. Start a crime spree, or B. Slowly die. I hate compassion
economics as much as the next man, but before we can cut anything, we need
a 3 year voucher system, and first we should only give the necessities of
life instead of money, (aka food clothes ect.)"
Nybar "But. but.. pornography and other forms of free thought
are evil incarnate! The BIBLE says so.."
The Leader "The bible has alot more 'porno' then most of those
magazines, sadly no pictures though... maybe the next edition of the pic--
but I've trailed off. I'm just going to dismiss that one out of hand. The
amount of evil incarnate in something is not legal grounds for
illeagalizing it."
Nybar "But whatabout drugs! They corrupt our youth! and
prostitution spreads aids!"
The Leader "Actually, the main damage done by drugs and prostitution
lies in the laws that illeagalize them. I believe www.mcwilliams.com has a
book called "The fallacy of outlawing consensual crimes" which is worth
checking into."
PoNyb (popping in, as gods often do): "Hey, just wanted to ask,
why the republican swinging, nybnybs?"
Nybar "Oh, thats because I was brainwashed, remember? We're
going into that eerie thing again.."
PoNyb "I think, more then that, I've been 'borrowing' Jamesy's
lame ploy of using a humour `zine as a thinly disguised political forum.."
Nybar "Jamesy doesn't know shit, he's stupider then a rat that
pisses itself."
PoNyb "No idea what you mean by that rat thing..'
Nybar "Neither do I.. neither doooo II.."
3 hours ago...
Spider-Man walks into a bar, and quips: "Hey, did anyone order a
web-slinger?"
The Gruff Bar Guy "You wanna rumble?"
Spider-Man "Maybe I *DO*!"
<it being a bar and spiderman being the newcomer, everyone piles
on spiderman. Then all of the strong guy fighting lots of little guys
cliche's ensue, such as throwing someone into the mirror and saying
something about 7 years bad luck, throwing someone all the way across the
bar, smashing 2 people head's together, et. al. finally, after all the
little guys have been defeated, spider man must face the last guy for this
round, Mogel.>
Mogel "You can't defeat me!, the writer is using MY schtick of using
comic book characters and putting them into semi-real positions and then
having carnage ensue! -Idle Boasts Dictionary, Volume 3, #115"
They both walk into the kitchen,
off-screen.
5 seconds later, mogel emerges, seemingly victorious. He takes a
few steps then falls over. Then spider-man walks out with a cheese-burger,
and when asked to pay for it, he web-spins his way away. Aunt May is DEAD,
get over it!
3 hours later..
One of his lackies puts it in the microwave.
Sugar Bear "Und derr Spider-Man has-un defeated agent Mogel.
Follow-un derr paper."
<he gives a paper to his second, which reads>: Now that the
weakest boss has been defeated, send out just enough cannon fodder so that
Spider Man can defeat them, and then the next in the chain of command.
Repeat until I have to face him myself. -S. B.
The second in command "Um, sir, why not just send everyone at
once?"
Sugar Bear (in his native sugar bear voice): "Well, ya see,
this harks back to the feline butterology theory, which states that if you
put a piece of buttered bread, buttered side up, on a canine-critter, it
will either: 1. Levitate, or 2. The universe will explode; for you see,
buttered bread always lands on the buttered side and cats always land on
their feet. This is relavent here because heroes always win, but evil guys
always use stupid tactics, even if they have super-intelligence. If I used
good tactics, the odds would switch to about %100 for me, but remember he
still has to win! You see, it would be %100 V %100, and it would be
irresistable force VS immovable object all over again!!!@$!#$ YES!!!"
The Second in Command "I think I'll just send the order out.."
<he hastily scribbles something down>
Three minutes later, after the order has arrived.. well I
think I'll let nybar explain it.
Nybar "Yaknow the beginning of monty python where a foot just
crushes everything? Well pretty much the same thing happened when the
order arrived and all of sugar bears army faced a lone spider man with
order to kill, except it crushed the whole univserse, causing it to begin
again with potato and nybar fused, until the great falling out, which
seperated eliteness and the absence of morals, meaning Nybar, from that
asshole potato, creating democrats, republicans, liberatareans, cows,
squirrels, cats, ducks, car mechanic's that lie, ect. "It was the best of
times, it was the-- BLORST of times? Stupid monkey!!!" Only this time, one
thing was wrong. Someone remembered, and had to stop the armageddon! for
Poupey 20! YEAH! or not...."
FIN?
