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Poor Old Ugly Pompous Electronic Yams 15
poupey issue 15. april 9th, 1997
FUCKSHIT%!@#$!#@$ WHADDAORF FOROKS IS GOIDOFDHNA FUKAING HAPPWNR TO
POUPEY@#%@!#$ FUCKCKK!@$#!@$ I NO WANT TO DIE!@$$@! NO WANT DIE!@ FUCKING
ACID + BASE=DEATH!#@$!#@$ CSHHTIIRTIITI!#!#@$ ESHITO!#@$!$ FUCK!$#@!#$
BOOM!!!@! NOT KFDIXT DIE I WILL NOT DIE WANT NOT TO DIE!#@$
FUCK $#@!!@$@! DICK SHRINKING!@$!@$ BRAIN CSELLS VANISHING#Qr!$#@
here IS THE issue.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
nybar is going to die - sniff.
Nybar's last day on earth, a portrait. (oohh... portrait.. classy)
<nybar wakes up>
Nybar "FUCK!#$@!#$!@#$.... I NEED ANOTHER FIX@$@!!@$!@$!!"
<nybar is on phone, in a bubble bath with bags of money and near naked
women sorrounding him>
Nybar "FUCK MAN!@$!@$ a GANSTA'S LIFE AIN't!@$!@$ FUN!@$!$@"
Nybar's Pusher "FUCK MAN!@# I GET YOU NEW FIX! YES! FIX NO! YES! I MEAN YES!"
Nybar "Sheot nig... I meet you at abandoned warezhouse."
<nybar, at abandoned warezhouse with his pusher. Giant boxes full of
flintstone pills are lying all around.>
Nybar's pusher <holding up some flintstone's pills> "Shit girlfriend.. you
think you can just strut into any pharmacy and buy this crap?~$!@$"
Nybar "Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.... I'll try."
Nybar's pusher "NO! I'LL LOWER THE PRICE DAMNIT!@$!@$"
<nybar hands a big bundle of monopoly money to his pusher and his pusher
hands him a huge bag of pills>
Nybar's pusher gets kneed in groin
Nybar "Teehee... because man get knee in groin for big laugh during movies."
<you are in hell. You have no arms. Two large Samoan men are raping you>
Nybar "Shit... copycat. I'll narrate from now on."
<Ahhhh... howabout this....you are in a newjersey alley, in the dumpster.
there is one exit. You are to weak to reach it.>
Nybar "Better... continue."
<Nybar sits in a convertible chevy in a shawl. the top is down. he has
louise with him.>
Nybar "What do you say Louise?!@$!@$"
Louise "JUMMMMPPP!@$!@$#!$"
Nybar "Fuck that... crazy fucking bitch."
<nybar kicks louise off cliff... and drives off.>
LATER
<nybar speed at unsafe speeds in the same chevy, minus the shawl. A large
black man named Jules is with him.>
Jules "So tell me about these flintstone pill bars."
Nybar "So what do you want to know?"
Jules "Well... it's legal there, right?"
Nybar "Yeah... it's legal.. but it ain't swear to potato legal. You can't
just walk into a resteraunt, bring out the flintstone pills and start
chompin' away. Yer only supposed to eat it in certain places... like on
top of neighbors roofs.. and naked, in the street.. right?"
Jules "Those are also nudie bars?"
Nybar "I don't even know why they call them bars."
Jules "ahhh..."
Nybar "And you know what the funniest fucking thing about Europe is?"
Jules "Yeah..?---"
Nybar "It's the little differences.... they got a lotta the same shit as
we got here... but there are little differences."
Jules "Example."
Nybar "Well.. you know what they call a quarter pounder wit cheese in
Holland?"
Jules "They don't call it a quarter pounder wit cheese?"
Nybar "Nahh... they're fuckin pagans over there... they don't know what
the fuck a quarter pounder is."
Jules "So what do they call it?"
Nybar "Roast baby with goat blood."
Jules "Goddamn."
Nybar "And this is related.... know what they put in the toilet instead of
shit?"
Jules "What?"
Nybar "Vomit."
<Jules laughs like a madman>
--
<the chevy SCREECHES to a stop.>
Nybar and jules get out and go around to the trunk
Nybar "We should have shotguns for this kind of deal."
Jules "How many are there?"
Nybar "2 or 3."
Jules "Space aliens?"
Nybar "All of em."
Jules "Do they shoot lasers out of their eyes?"
Nybar "Oh yeah!"
Jules "How many eyes?"
Nybar <sounding black> "Sheot... I dunno. 20 at least... and you bettah
beleive they allllllll silk."
Jules "Any additional obstacles?"
Nybar "6 er 7 andy bodyguards."
Jules "We gotta fuckin retire em all?@!$"
Nybar "Yep"
Jules "SHEOT MANNN!#!#@$!@$"
Nybar "We should have fuckin shotguns."
---
Nybar "Oh wait.. I have one."
<nybar whips out a shotgun and BLASTS jules to smithereens.>
Nybar <spits on jules bloody corpse> "Die nigger die."
-------------------------------------------------------
SPECIAL INTERMISSION
Jubjub tries to compare his penis size to that of doll... nybar punches
him in groin.
Jubjub "DAMNIT!@!!!
---
Jubjub "Shit... the pain just kicked in"
Nybar "Tee hee."
---------------------------------------------------------
<"Stuck in the middle with shoe" plays. Nybar has mogel all tied up in a
chair and is dancing around him to the tune of the music>
Nybar "Boots to the left of me, high heels to the right... here I am...
stuck in the middle with shoe.. yes I'm... stuck in the middle with shoe."
<nybar pulls a straight razor out of his boot.>
Like a cobra... nybar LASHES OUT!!
Mogel SCREEEEEAAMMMSSSS!!!@
Nybar, moving to the music----
Nybar CUTS OFF MOGELS EAR and HOLDS IT UP FOR HIM TO SEE!!!
Mogel HOWLSSSSSS!@$!@#$!!@#$!#$
Nybar goes offscreen.
Nybar comes back with a can of gasoline.
Nybar "Yes I'm... stuck in the middle with shoe."
<nybar pours the gasoline all over Mogel>
Mr. Orange <holding pistol steady at nybar> "ENOUGH!!"
Nybar <wheels> "Hehehehhehe--"
Nybar <bats the gun out of the way at the same time as he says...> "Cmon
shoot me!" (in a mocking voice)
Nybar <Bats the gun again..> "Go ahead shoot me!"
Quentin Tarrintino jumps onscreen and says "What I was trying to say with
this is that violence is everywhere... like even on cereal boxes!!!"
<nybar and Mr.Orange wheel and shoot him. Mogel bursts into FLAMES>
Audience BOOS
Nybar "Shit... if they don't like that... they'll hate my NYPD SHOE
skit... it's the exact same thing!!"
-------------------------------------- Yet another intermission. --
Nybar "Y'know... he was right...... those wheaties boxes are SUPER
voilent!!"
<nybar grabs jubjub's hands and makes jubjub hit himself>
Nybar (in a very mocking tone) "Quit hitting yerself!!!!"
---------------------------------------------------
Nybar "Ok... we're going to do this quickly... I'm nybar he's jubjub.
<pointing to the rest as he goes along> Mr. Orange Mr. White Mr. Blue Mr.
Blonde Mr. Brown."
Cerkit "Shit man... I gotta glok! Why am I Mr.Pink?@!?!"
Mercuri (mr.white) "Cause yer a fag."
Cerkit "Hey shaddup whitey."
---------------------------------------------------
Nybar lies in bed, suffering from withdrawl. A small child slowly crawls
on the ceiling. it's head turns around like beetle juice!
Nybar "Hi moe. Here to taunt me??"
Baby (now known as Moe) "Nahhhh... just checking the paper-- WAHHH!@$!@$"
<baby cries as he falls on nybars heads>
Nybar "Eeeewwww... disgusting baby!!@$!@$"
As nybar walks along the street, a midget cripple brushes him. He picks
the midget cripple up and busts his head with a 2 by 4... BOYYYY!!!
--------------------------------------------------
Nybar is in his 79' chevy with Mia. They pull up to Play Boy Bunny:
Bim(bo)s
Mia "So what is this place?"
Nybar "It's Play Boy Bunny: Bims."
Mia "I thought I asked for bambi."
Nybar <takes a long drag of his cig> "This is better'n bambi."
Mia "*TAKE ME TO FUCKING JACK RABBIT SLIMS*!@$!@$!$"
Nybar "Shit... ok. I guess the man in the bar won't be able to take out
his 13 inch pianist."
Mia "It isn't that big!@$$@!!$"
Nybar "Oh yeah? Wanna compare?!$#@"
Mia "First... thats sick. Second, I'm a woman, so I would lose!@#"
Nybar "I thought so... chickening out."
Mia "This is ridiculous!@$!@$ Cut!@ RETAKE!@$"
---
Nybar is in his 79' chevy with Mia. They pull up to Jack Rabbit Slims.
Nybar "So what is this place?"
Mia "It's Jack... Rabbit... Slims."
Nybar "I CAN'T GO IN THERE.. THEY KNOW ME!!!"
Crazy old guy "We'll get Salllll.."
Mafia Lookin old dude "Sal.. GENIUS!"
<giant foot, alla monty python, steps on the old men>
Mia "Cmon... don't be a <traces a rectangle with her fingers>"
Nybar "THATS A RECTANGLE YA IDIOT!@$"
Mia knees nybar in groin... even though they are both sitting down in
chevy still.
Nybar "Oof."
Mia "Tee-hee."
<cut to inside jack rabbit slims, nybar and mia are sitting down at a
cadalac table across from eachother>
Nybar "So Whitney didn't even KNOW all those Hampsters were there?~$#@!@$"
Mia "Of course she knew.. they were her test gerbils!"
Nybar "Percy Gives better stuff the Whitney does.... makes no
sense!@$@!$#"
Mia "Tee hee.. wheet."
Nybar "Percy does it sexier."
Mia "Eew. Hmmm.. I wonder if fuzz is percie's king."
Nybar "He's a gerbil."
Mia "Gerbil... hampster... whats the difference?"
Nybar "Ahhh..."
Mia "Discooo."
--------------------------------------------------
<someone who is obviously Seinfeld but with a little black thing across
his eyes.. does his routine>
Jerry S. (the s. so you don't know who he is.. in a whiny voice) "So why
do they call it cheese? It doesn't taste like cheese! It tastes like.....
lightning .. they should call it lightning! Actually... it tastes like
solid milk with a lightning flavor in there!! They should call it solid
milk, with a lightning flavor in there!!"
Nybar <in audience> "You suck RAINERRRR!$E!$#@#@$"
Jubjub "Come on... Mcbain or Magarnacle?"
Nybar "They are both just characters played by the actor, Rainer
Wolfecastle."
Jubjub "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Which one did you say?"
Nybar "You are right!@$!@$"
<in the future.... nybar is 25, he's is wearing only underwear. A bunch of
old guys are sitting around him, completely naked. It might be a dream so
don't think about it at the firestone tire company meeting.>
Old Fogey "Oh no... can nothing break this terrible silence?!@$"
Other Old Fogey "Only the ARMPIT fart!!"
Nybar (thinking) *oh no... the armpit fart!! I could do it when I was
small... but.. buttttt...* <blink.. sniff>
Nybar "Ohhh yeah.. I remember how I did it!!"
Wag "eewww... you remember how you DID it!"
Nybar "Shaddup."
<nybar takes off his shirt and does the armpit fart.>
Nybar "And.. I kind of like rainbows."
Old fogey "Rainbows?!@$"
Wag "QUEER!!"
<everyone but nybar reaches off screen and their arms come back with
pitchforks. chase music plays. They chase nybar past the same lamp flower
and door 500 times, then they all spontaneously combust but nybar.>
--0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Nybar "So we tied barney to the tree and peed on him and sicked dogs with
bees in their mouthes and every time they barked they shoot bees at you at
him and then we just plain killed him dead."
Big fat comic store owner "Toodle-oo."
Heffer "The END. Get it... the *END*!! No BUTTS about it!
HEHEHEHEHEHE!@$!@$!@$
----------
i'm a sex machine - by jubjub
i'm a sex machine
gene
sex all night, sex all day
i like it straight, i like it gay
i make 'em scream, i make 'em cry
in their face, in their eye
standing up and sitting down
with a pig, with a clown
man, that was stupid.
----------
DAMN FUCKING CANNIBALS!@$
----------
Mogel and the vegetarian squad sit at the banquet hall of the Vegetarian
HQ, enjoying Dinner.
Mogel "Ahhhhh... a fresh dinner of asparagus!! How healthy!@$ And the best
part is, no cute critters were killed!! We can proudly call ourselves
vegetarians!! We aren't rancid flesh eaters that as punishment deserve to
be killed!! We're good guys!$@!@$ We don't even step on bugs!@$!@$"
All "Aie... kill the meat eaters."
<all set to ravenously devouring the asparagus that has been boiled in
goat urine.>
Mogel <GLORMF!@$#!@$ (glormf being a devouring sound)>
SUDDENLY, A SMALL UFO LANDS ON THE BANQUET TABLE! Three asparagus people
walk out.
Asparagus person one "GOOD GOD!@$!@$"
Asparagus person two "AIEEEE!@$!@$!@$ THEY WILL KILL US ALL@!$@!$"
Asparagus leader "We come thousands of light years to spread snuggle
snuggle joy joy warm blanket peace and love.... and we find.. CANNIBALS
CANNIBALS CANNIBALS!@$!@#$ AIEEEEEEEEE!@#$!@#$!$#@ YOU SICKO'S$@!!@$!$ MY
BABIES! MY BABIES! YOU ARE EATING MY BABIESSSSSSS!#@$!@$"
Asparagus person one "And for the biggest insult.. you boiled them in
URINE!@$!$@ GOAT URINE!@$!@$@$!@$!@$ Meat is all we eat on our planet! WE
DRINK NO MEAT URINE!@$!@$"
Asparagus Leader <sob, cry> "You will not eat our NEVER SENTIENT!@$!@$#
Meat crop that we brought as an offering of peace!"
Asparagus person one "The meat crop will spoil! <cry> My aunt spent days
shucking those hotdogs!$#!@$"
Mogel "Man.. I feel really bad.."
Asparagus Leader "FAG!@!@$!@$!@$"
<asparagus people gang and devour the vegetarians raw.>
--
Meanwhile, nybar at the meat eaters convention eats hot dogs.. ARMOR hot dogs.
SUDDENLY... THE WEINER PEOPLES SHIP LANDS!@!@$!@$
Weiner person one "Hello nybar, we are the weiner people." (in a squeaky voice)
Weiner person leader "NYBAR! YOU RULE! CMON AND EAT US!!!"
Nybar "OK!"
----------------------------------
The END of Nybar as we know him (her?) <it?).
Nybar: "Ok.... so anyway this is the whole point of the issue so I will
keep it short. Ahh... lets see... someone locked the bathroom door
from the outside while no one was in it, and we couldn't open it.
Anyway, it was stuck right? So froboy shinnied up to the roof,
past the army. He opened the window and went in and unlocked the
door and walked out. I walked in to take a poop... but someone had
left a BIG stinky in there before locking it.. and it had been
sitting in the toilet for 3 days. So I just got alot of bathroom
cleaners and put them all in. And then, I started scrubbing with a
sponge. I took a deep breath. Bam.. I start choking. Then I fall
over and die. But miraculously I am ressurected instantly in the
exact same body. Fin."
FIN, Ya mook.
Amonia+bleach=death.
Mogel will probably hate this issue. Good. jerk. DTO #20 will probably
never come out.
Mi mee mi mo, mi mi mi may. <dogs attack.
Haikus:
Taste the burning flesh.
Need.. to buy some school supplies.
WOAH! Man I like cats!@$!@$
Fin I mean it..
really.
