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Poor Old Ugly Pompous Electronic Yams 14
[ MOGEL BIRTHDAY ISSUE, POUPEY #14 ]
[ Mogel, of the Snobby `Zinesters ]
[ A Clear Ripoff, by Nybar ]
Mogel: "Greetings once again readers... I am MOGEL; OF THE Snobby
`Zinesters@$!@ My good friend pip of the bald-people
bald-people, and his fellow tribe member jubjub are here, too.
Pip: "Heh.. I'm bald"
Mogel: "Yes.. but do you walk with a woman?"
Pip: "Yes, I----"
VWEEEEVROAMFKAMMAMA@!#$!@$
Bf, of the space people interrupts the signal!@$!@$!$@
Bf: "Crank Crank.. you are not a skank, think of you when I
masturbate."
Pip: "Ahhh.. draw on my dick?"
Bf: "FOOLISH EARTH MAN!@$!@$!@$"
<bf disintergrates pip's dick with his space man death ray>
Pip: "Damnit.. I needed that!@$#"
Mogel: "DAMNIT.. THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY `ZINE$!@$!@#$"
Nybarius the GOD: "No it isn't!@$ When I write.. I am GOD@#%$@!@$"
Bf: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!@$!@$"
<bf prepares to deploy all missles in nybarius's direction>
KATHOOOOMMM!@$!@$!@$ <bf's ship blows up, along with him>
Nybarius the GOD: "MUAHAHAHHAHAH$@!!@$ I have tasted destruction.. and
I *LOVE IT!@$*"
<pip and jubjub melt, alla raiders of the lost ark.>
Mogel: "Ahhh."
Nybarius, The GOD: "Hey.. look over there at mars!"
MARS EXPLODES$@!!@$
Nybarius: "Heh!"
Mogel: "Hey.. ahh.."
<nybarius grows to 50 feet in hight, and becomes
surrounded with lightning and fire>
Nybarius: "Spit it out.. INFIDEL!$@@@@)!@$*!_@@$!)*$!)*!$@)@!!!!!!"
Mogel: "Ahhh.. would you please.. ahh.. stopp all of the
wanton destruction??"
Nybarius: "Yes.... I like chinese food to... lets go to a bar
and get down with alot of drunken Japanese
buisnessmen!@$!@$"
Hours later..... Mogel and Nybarius are drunk together in the bar.
Mogel: "So I ate the WHOLE.. THING!!"
Nybar: "DEWD$@!!$@# Isn't that illeagel?!"
Mogel: "Not then, it wasn't!"
Nybar: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHQAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!$!@$"
Crazy Bar-Dude: "Wouldn't that weigh more then you?"
Mogel: "Of course! I can eat my bodies weight in
twinkies.. I just eat half of one!!!"
<crazy bar dude and nybar: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!@$#!@$!@$>
Mogel: "Hehehe.. Nybarius, you dick.. hehehehehe."
<electricity courses through the air... and mogel realizes he is
about to become nybar toast>
*KA-BOOOOOOMMMM!@$!"@$#"(*!@+$!@)$*!_+@!#*
<mogel explodes in a ball of fire>
Nybarius: "Livvveeee from Newark, DE.. it's mogel's birthday issue!!!!!"
(note.. dramatization, may not have happened)
+-happybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaydearmogelhappybirthdaytoyou-+
Mogels Birthday, alla Kaia -Kaia... I SWEAR!
there was an old shoe who lived in a shoe
she gave birth to a mogel who had a "m0g" 'too
she said to herself, "his name should be longer."
so she made his name longer.
a bird flew along
soaring, gliding, free, and
crashed into a telephone wire
above mogel_'s head.
so the shoe set off on a crazy-ass quest
to find her son a job and a decongest-
ant. he was allergic to feathers
or something.
she wandered on into the forest
a search to no avail
she stepped on a snail,
and got slime on her soul, but wait,
i mean her sole
because shoes don't have souls, silly willy.
so when she died, she went to hell.
but her dear son
-- her dear, dear son --
lived on
ramen and vegetables
and he grieved for her sole
and at the funeral he was very
sad
and he threw a drive-thru funeral-party
and
did not serve sole
did not play to soul music
did not pursue a solo career and
did not invite hans solo.
in fact,
he decided,
the only people whom i shall let in
are those who can say my name.
i bid three tries each, he thought,
failure will result in torture,
a torture beyond imagination;
even beyond the imagination of
the most imaginative
wanker
on earth.
so he sat at the drive-thru funeral-party window
and sat
and something
and no one showed up.
then timidly, a girl wandered up, holding a roll of rolo.
"talk to the hand," mogel said, "for you are holding a roll of rolo!"
and she began to cry, which resulted in
her eyes melting,
her cheeks melting,
her nose melting,
but before
her lips melted,
she screamed, "YOUR NAME IS MOGELSTILTSKIN!!!@!!"
and she was correct, yes indeed!
yes indeed.
and so, mogelstiltskin let her into the party
and something else happened but i forget,
but alas, it was too late,
for she had melted away.
and so,
the funeral-party was
a celebration of irony,
a "celebration" of her death.
and so, mogelstiltskin lived on
ramen and vegetables
-- forever --
ramen and vegetables
who chant to him,
"happy birthday m0ggie!"
+-happybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaydearmogelhappybirthdaytoyou-+
Mogels birthday issue... phear!@#$
Mogel: "I think I should explain what happened back there.. you see
nybar (who wrote it) didn't even know what the hell he was talking
about. He was just rambling on and on. I don't think pip is bald.
I'm not even dead. Actually.. I could be dead right now and this
could still be written. Cause I (mogel) am not writing it. Nybar is.
It's kind of sick that way. Actually, this is the third time he's
destroyed me in his `zine. One noteable time.. he destroyed the whole
`zining community and he then destroyed the universe after they had
been ressurected as androids. Then there was this other one called
mog.txt where he killed me in every conceiveable way.. but I only
died once. That one will probably be later on in this issue. And then,
a HOTDOG drove him insane. Damn... how did they get all those fish up
there?!@$ BY DUES *so as not to be vulgar* IT'S FULL OF STARS!!! Hehe..
thats how you can tell if it's me or him pretending to be me. Maybe I'm
Mogel right now just faking it actually... I am just pathetic enough to
fake being nybar faking me to get into a `zine which was designed as a
happy bday thinkie anyway. I'm that desperate. Cerkit cerkit.. you are
not a blerkit, draw on my dick. Fuck this is just filler... ahh.. next
story.
00000000000000000111111122222skipafew9910000000000000000000000000000000
Some Sort of amphibious rodent, I presume
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Ok.. so this is mogels birthday issue?
YES!
Just checking.. geez..
5..
4...
3....
2......
1.......
<mogel enters kai.. kea.. kae.. whoever's dormathingie>
Everyone: "SUPRRRRIIISSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEI!_+@$*_+@!$*!+@_$*!@+_$"
Mogel: "AHHHHHHHHHH!@#*!@$+)*!&#@$+_$@#!Y?EA?H?AHHP!U34}!O#$!@$
DEEPODEEEPDADEODOWAHHHH_!*@+!UFDCDFJDSJD!#$!$#)!$IJIGGER!"
<mogel falls over.. and starts shivering>
Mogel: "Ohhh yeah.. my birthday. Hmm.. my heart stopped for a few
seconds. Cool."
<nybar jumps out from a couple of floor boards right behind mogel, with a
chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask.>
Nybar: "DESTROYYYYYYYYYYYY!@$ I mean suprise.#@!$*(!@$+#)!*@$+)!*$*!+@)$*"
Mogel: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh..
oh.. it's you. Damnit. That DEFINATELY isn't happening again!@#$"
<a bunch of FBI dewds with glasses and trench coats jump out of nowhere and
stick alot of smg's at mogel.>
FBI Guy 1: "Are you MOGEL?!!?"
Mogel: "Ahhh!!"
FBI Guy 2: <punches mogel in the mouth> "Damn you! Out with it!@$!#@$"
Mogel: "Yeah.. I'm mogel."
FBI Guy 3: "You really enjoy setting up teleconferences don't you?"
Mogel: "Kind of.. yeah."
FBI Guy 1: "Oh yeah?!@$!@$!@$+!*@$+)!?$?!@$?!@?$ YOU LIKE SETTING THEM UP?!$"
Mogel: "Hehhe.. yeah.. kind of.." <mogels knees knock>
FBI Guy 2: "Ok.. thats cool. We'll be leaving now... actually.. can I
have some cake?!"
Mogel: "Ahh.. sure, I guess so."
FBI Guy 2: "I don't like chocolate.... do you have some vanilla cake?"
Mogel: "Nope.. Sorry."
Nybar: "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA@#!@$!@# Sorry.!@!@$!$(*+!@$ HAHAHAN
VGBIO$E@HQW!@#$ SAY IT AGAIN!@#$!@$"
Mogel: "Sorry."
Nybar: "BWHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!@#$!@$!@$#"
<later.. the party commences.>
Nybar: "Hey mogel... I got you a present@!!!!"
Mogel: "Present?! NYBAR.. I LOVE YOU!"
Nybar: "Here.. open it." <mogel opens it>
Mogel "'Women Who Love Too Much'."
<mogel looks at nybar with an uncomprehending expression>
Mogel: "Ohhh.. I get it. Thats reaaalll funny."
Nybar: "Tee-hee."
<even later..... Handle and mercuri defy a whole bunch of spatial
laws by sitting in a bar (in kia.. kai's dorm.>
Mercuri: "So.. hozabout them bears?"
Handle: "Gee.. I dunno."
<at the same time.. nybar and jamesy converse>
Nybar: "So... do you believe in god?"
Jamesy: "Do you?"
Nybar: "Oh.. you were predetermined to say that."
<still later.... jubjub talks to FBI guy 2>
Jubjub: "Y'know.. I hacked into NASA with AOL once."
FBI Guy 2: "Really?"
Jubjub: "Yup."
FBI GUY 2: "Hehe... you couldn't hack your way into yer own pants."
Jubjub: "Hey.. you jerk!@$!@$#"
<FBI Guy 2 produces smg>
Jubjub: "FUCK YOU MAN!@$#!$#!@$# RULE YAKUZA!@$!@$ *as a parody of the
britania thang*
<jubjub brings out a mini howitzer cannon with laser sighting and sound
suppressor.. which is laughable because it's practically a rocket
launcher. Also.. a bunch of Yakuza guys jump out of nowhere>
FBI Guy 2: "OTHER FBI GUYS.. TO MY AID~@!!@$!@$ REMEMBER THE
WATERGATE!@$!$!"
......
Mogel: "And then I fell into another dimension, strange and eerie beyond
belief!@#$"
Nybar: "You mean you had fallen into a puddle?"
Mogel: "Yeah... and there was... CHAFING@#$!!#$!@$"
Nybar: "Good GOD!#$! To much cake aye?"
Mogel: "Yup."
Nybar: "Anything else?"
Mogel: "Yeah. Some wierd space daemons killed me."
Nybar: "Neat."
+-happybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaydearmogelhappybirthdaytoyou-+
M O G E L Q U E S T
A mini series thing, from the maker of poupey.
----
Mogels apartment, 3:00:27; Mogel tries to sleep.
---
click.
Mogel <in bed.. droswy> "Whawuzzat?!!?"
creeeeeeaaaaaakkkkkk.
Mogel "huh?!!@#$ Muien gott.. someones in the house!!"
Meow. purrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Mogel "Nybar.. is that you and your ninja kitty cats?!@$"
meow. meow. meow. meow (meow mix theme song).
Mogel "I KNOW IT'S YOU NYBAR!@$!@#$"
*CRASHHHHHH*
Mogel "MY `POOTER@#%@#%_(@!$@#$ I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS
NYBARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR--
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"
<all the birds fly off house>
------
The Next Day, 8:00 am
------
Mogel "I'm telling you pip dude.. nybar and his cats
wrecked my computer@#%! I found a note saying I'm next!!!
I'm thinking of moving.. nybar is crazZzZzZzZzZy!#@%"
Pip dude <fondling crank> "Crank crank.. you are not a
skank.. think of you when I masturbate."
Mogel "righhhttt..."
*NEXT DAY.. INDIANA!%#!@$)*!@$+@!*$ BOWOWOBOVB
OBOE@#%!#@$JNHGFCBHNESPGwiehg@#%_(*@#%+*
Mercuri <smoking a cigaratte in a dark room at one of
of a table that has mogel with a bright light on him
on the other end> So you want nybar out of the way?"
Mogel "God.. YES!@$)!@*$!@)$"
Mercuri "How much would you pay.. 50 g's?"
Mogel "WHATTTTTTTTTTT?!@#%?!$@ I'll give you a dto
coffee cup!"
Mercuri "Fair enough. I'll set out today. I'll be back in
a day or two. Should I kidnap him? I'm already
planning to..."
Mogel "Nyahh.. bring me his scalp!@$!@$"
Mercuri "K. Cyaz.. I'll be back in a day or two"
<mercuri exits>
2 days hence.. a box comes in the mail reading "From Nybar
With Love".
Mogel "EEWW@!#$!@$ MAIL!@#$ I NEVER GET MAIL!@$!@$"
<mogel opens package and sees mercuri's bloody HEAD!@$#>
Mogel "YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!@$)*!@$+!*@$)+!~*@$+!@)$*!@)+$*)@%&@%)!&@$!@%)*@+
)!@*$+@!)*$)+!@*$!@)+*U!@+)*!@+)$*!@$)+*$+)!@+1284
)+!@$*!@!#%!%@!%!@$!@$!@$"
THAT SICK BASTTTTTARRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!1 Ahh forget it.
+-happybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaydearmogelhappybirthdaytoyou-+
Mogel Quest TWO: The Redemption.
------------------------------------
2:00: Played Rockey music. Ate a raw egg. I'm developing my
pallete for my trip to france. I'm a weeny boy like the frances.
3:00: Played more Rockey music. Chased around a chicken, trying
to poach it. But then the farmer came up with a shotgun and
something jumped up and bit me. Hehe, gump. Wotta retard I am.
4:00: Played even more rockey music. I defeated Appollo Creed,
and even though he was 600 pounds and 45 years old it was a
challenge.
I love you dear diary, even more than.. ky.. kai.. ko..
kl.. ahhhh... whoever. I believe I am ready to face nybar.
Therefore I go to meet him in his home town of Newark, DE.
-Mogel
+-happybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaydearmogelhappybirthdaytoyou-+
The Amazing Story of Mogel Ramensoup..!! -Nybar
Da prez: "So mogel, wanna be a hero?"
Mogel: "I'm already a hero.."
Da Prez: "A REAL HERO! NOT JUST HERO OF A BUNCH OF LOW LIFE
NE'ER DO WELL `ZINE GUYS!@$"
Mogel: "Ahh.. sure why not."
<da prez starts whispering into mogels ear like in all of
those cartoons>
Mogel: "I'LL DO IT@$#!"
Later; China, the dictators office.
Mogel: <pops out of nowhere> "So.. how ya doin?"
Dictator <in obviously overdubbed voice> "MOGEL RAMENSOUP!!!"
Mogel <puts on a dramatic face> "I come bearing ramen."
Dictator: "YAY! You please us with your ramen! Cook it with egg?"
Mogel: "Yes, I will cook it with egg."
RING-RING
^ Dictator: "Hello?"
| Other guy: "Yammeryammeryammer (untranslated)"
| Dictator: "OH NO! THEY WANT TO ABOLISH RAMEN!@ Good thing,
<Phone> MOGEL RAMENSOUP, is here."
Mogel Ramensoup: "Ahh.. no. I'd rather not take on 50000 ramen
hating guerillas.. I'm 4'2.. and all."
Dictator: "Worry not, there are no guerillas, only 50000 rebels!"
Mogel: "Ahh.. damn I'm dead"
TO BE CONTINUED LATER ON IN THIS VERY ISSUE!#$!@$!`32 ....
Scant minutes later, Mogel Ramensoup speaks to the reb
leader...
Mogel Ramensoup "Ahh.."
Nybar "Hi Mogel.. how ya doin'? I'm kinda busy
overthrowing the goverment.."
Mogel Ramensoup "Ahhhh.."
Nybar "No, I don't plan on abolishing ramen.. but I DO
plan on POLISHING ramen. I make the best ramen.. yers
sucks!%#"
Mogel Ramensoup "Dewd!#% NO WAY! Contest!!#%"
Nybar "Nope, I got nothing ta prove. Get em boys."
<nybar's revolutionaries lay hands on mogel>
"Please" begged mogel "Let me go, for I am such a little foe!"
"No" said nybar "Not at all, for I am big and you are small."
----------
Nybar: "Hmm.. THROW EM IN THE SHORTIE PITS@#!@$# No wait
thats lame, ...ahh.. fuck just kill him in some
imaginative way."
<soon.. mogel ramensoup dangles above a pool of boiling ramen as
Nybar's followers lash him with hot, wet ramen noodles.>
Mogel "Wheee.. going unconcious from pain."
<mogel falls and is horribly boiled alive, just as nybar
overthrows the government.. woowoo!!>
And thus ends the brave tail of Mogel Ramensoup.
+-happybirthdaytomogelhappybirthdaydearmogelhappybirthdaytoyou-+
Shortie!@$!@$!@$!@$!@$!@$!@$!@$
Make no mistake.. Mogel is a shortie. But this time..
instead of peppering the short jokes throughout the
issue.. I have decided to put all of them at one time
at the end!! So here we go.. first a short story then
some haiku's and jokes.
------------
Mogel and his Father......
<mogel sits at his fathers house.... drinking a sip of bourbon on the
rocks with mint. his father and him are having a man to man talk>
Mogel's Father: "Oh mogel.. today you are a grownup! 21 years of age..
you be! I remember when it alllllll began... with
your mother in Madison County. I was a
photographer, taking picures of bridges.. and I-----"
Mogel: "I think that you a thinking of a movie based on my favorite
book.. the Briges of Madison County."
Mogel's Father: "Oh yeah. Now I remember... your mother was a cheap
street hooker, and you are my Bastard son. And now
you have thrown away your life by becoming a
fucking nobody hacker jerk!#@$!@$# Still..
<sniff> I was always proud.. you weren't a short man."
Mogel: "Actually dad.. I've been meaning to tell you about that..."
<mogel removes platform shoes and lifts... and around 500 pairs of socks>
Mogel's Dad: "Well.. son. You are still around six feet tall."
Mogel: "Actually..."
<mogel removes huge top hat and affro that it was on>
Mogel's Dad: "At least you are still 5'5..."
Mogel: "I didn't want to admit it.. but.."
<mogel takes removes stilts that were under his hugely sized baggy pants>
Mogel's Dad: "Ok.. beginning to be embarrased... you are 3 foot tall
now..."
Mogel: "About that three feet tall thing..."
<mogel snips a string that was holding him in the air, and takes off
oversizes pants revealing shorts>
Mogel's Dad: "Where are you?!!#@%"
M(for miniscule)ogel: "Down here!! Get a microscope."
<as mogel's father searches for a microscope.. he steps on Mogel..
going with the trend of him getting killed every story.>
---
Mogel haiku's!!
--
Mogel is real short.
His clothes are to small for me.
Way to small, baby.
--
Mogel loves jubjub.
Theres a poem about that here.
Jubjub loves Mogel.
--
Eat this pig mogel!#$!@$
Mogel: Vegetarian.
What a gaybo, heh.
--
Mogel:Weiner dog.
Fat, Short, and stupid looking.
And he's a frenchie.
-------------------------
Some mogel jokes.
What do you get when you cross metalchic with mogel?
A short hoe that says "Sorry." alot.
---
Is mogel one syllable or two?
I don't know........ STUPID!#@$!@$
---
How many mogel's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know.. I didn't read that issue of hoe.
---
What does Black Ruby think Mogel is?
Nybar.
---
Who the hell is black ruby?!@$
A delewarian.. or was that delawarite?
---
DELEWHAT?!@$
CHICKENBUTT!@!$!@#!@$!@$
----
fuck.. that's enough.
FIN
