Piss Issue 09

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Piss

 · 5 years ago

  

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*       PISS PHILEZ NUMBER 9        * 
*                                   * 
*            Crap Scan              * 
*                                   * 
*         by Defenestrator          * 
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I was driving in an unfamiliar town yesterdday, and found that my radio  
station had tuned out.  Maybe I'd find a good one.  Maybe I'd find some  
Dave Matthews Band. 

--POWER ON-- 
"...just reached the end of 14 classic hits in a row, and we'll be right  
back after we..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...send Bill Doberman to Congress.  Because Bill Doberman agrees with  
us.  Bill Doberman.  It's a name we can trust.  Bill Doberman.  It's a  
name we can remember.  Let's write it down.  Bill..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...just heard 19 uninterrupted hits, and now for this..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...terrible traffic backup caused by the..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...EVIL that cometh down and DWELLETH amongst them, and it DID CAUSETH  
their eyeballs to ooze a new substance, and it WAS a greenish color, but  
they DID not fear, for they kneweth that the..." 
--SCAN-- 
"..followingisbasedonan800yearleasesanddoesnotincludetaxtagsinsurance- 
oranactualcarwegetyourhouseandyourchildrenandyourkidneys..." 
--SCAN-- 
"NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!  BUD LOOTER CHEVROLET OPEL ISUZU FORD RENAULT  
JEEP CHRYSLER TOYOTA STUDEBAKER TUCKER HONDA VOLVO VOLKSWAGON WANTS TO  
GIVE YOU, FOR NO GOOD REASON..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...Bill Doberman.  He'll work for you.  He'll fight for you.  If people  
are rude to you, Bill Doberman will kill them.  Bill Doberman..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...enjoyed those 54 hits in a row, and now let's pause while..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...insects DID swarm upon them and DID eateth their children, but they  
WERE NOT afraid, for they trustedeth in the..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...listening audience.  Hello?" 
"Hello?" 
"Go ahead." 
"Roy?" 
"This is Roy.  Go ahead." 
"Am I on?" 
"Yes.  Go ahead." 
"Is this Roy?" 
--SCAN-- 
"This is Bill Doberman, and I say convicted rapists have no business  
serving on the Supreme Court.  That's why, as your congressman, I'll  
make sure that..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...a large quantity of nuclear waste has been spilled on the interstate,  
and police are trying to..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...GIVE YOU SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN TRADE FOR ANYTHING!!!  IT  
DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CAR!!!  BRING US A ROAD KILL!!!  WE DON'T  
CARE!!!  BRING US A CANTALOUPE-SIZED BALL OF EARWAX!!!  BRING US..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...huge creatures that WERE liked winged snakes EXCEPT they had great  
big suckers, which DID cometh and pulleth their limbs FROM their  
sockets liketh this, 'Pop', but they WERE not afraid, nay they WERE  
joyous, for they had..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...just heard 337 uninterrupted hits, and now..." 
--SCAN-- 
"Bill Doberman will shrink your swollen membranes.  Bill Doberman has..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...glowing bodies strewn all over the road, and motorists are going  
to need..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!  WE'LL JUST GIVE IT TO YOU!!!  FOR NO  
REASON!!!  WE HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER!!!  LATE AT NIGHT, SOMETIMES WE  
SEE THESE GIANT GRUBS WITH FACES LIKE JANET RENO, AND WE HEAR THESE  
VOICES SAYING..." 
--SCAN-- 
"Roy?" 
"Yes." 
"Roy?" 
"Yes." 
"Roy?" 
--SCAN-- 
"...Yes, and their eyeballs DID explode like party favors, but they  
WERE NOT sorrowful, for they kneweth..." 
--SCAN-- 
"Bill Doberman.  Him good.  Him heap strong.  Him your father.  Him..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...finished playing 3,841 consecutive classic hits with no commercial  
interruptions dating back to 1978, and now..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...the radiation cloud is spreading rapidly, and we have unconfirmed  
reports that..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...liquefied brain parts DID dribbleth OUT of their nostrils, but  
they WERE not alarmed, for they were..." 
--SCAN-- 
"...getting sleepy.  Very sleepy.  When you hear the words 'Bill  
Doberman,' you will..." 
--POWER OFF-- 
Aw, shit.  I'll just drive.  Glenn, find the goddamned tape so I don't  
have to listen to all these horns. 
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PISS - People into Serious Shit 

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Contributors-  
Sameer Ketkar 

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