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Poor Old Ugly Pompous Electronic Yams 20
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/poupey 20\
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|| all i want for christmas is shoe (ascii by duck)
A very poupey christmas story.
THE SCENE: God is sitting in front of his computer,
looking at porn and stroking his rod. A bottle of whiskey is in his hand.
Michael, the goody two shoes angle, enters.
Michael "Um.. god.. ah.."
God "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something@!!!@"
Michael "Well.. it's just.. you're a really lazy
motherfucker. You haven't created anything good since Star Trek!!"
God "I'm an artist, damnit, not a doctor!"
Michael "Hah.. yeah.. one of those washed up artists who
does nothing all day, and whenever someone harrasses them.. they--"
<god throws the whiskey bottle at Michael, and a STREAM
of cum slams michael to the ground>
God "Foolish imbecile! I have been creating like mad! My
grand plan is coming to fruition!!! What is it... THE ELIMINATION OF REAL
SEX!! Soon, all will become good christians, and only MASTURBATE! How have
I accomplishes this?! INTERNET PORN! I created all of it! What.. you
thought someone actually took pictures? My plan shall succeed.. the
chosen ones are on the streets.. still, there ARE counter-factions.. and,
um... I was just trying out some new material with the whole sitting
around all day masturbating thing."
Michael "And what about the whiskey bottle?"
God "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm....."
<a safe falls on michael's head, crushing him>
Michael "Ohh damn.. just give me fucking immortal life so
you can torture me alot.. fucker.."
<a monkey appears from nowhere, screams "YEEEE!" and eats
michaels face off.>
Michael (with no face): "Dish rALLY ishn't funny!"
Meanwhile, on earth..
A man wearing a white robe holding a picture of the pope
masturbating walks through main-street. There is a hole in his robe, and
he is shaking hands with Abe Lincoln busily. At the same time, he is
flashing the picture to everyone he meets and saying "Pope? Popppeee..
pope!" Some good christians fall in line with him and start masturbating,
while other just sneer. A few blocks away, there is another man, with a
picture of Adolf Hitler butt-fucking a monkey. He shows it to everyone he
meets, yelling: "HITLER! HITLER!" some sneer, but some fall in line behind
him and begin humping a hole in his back. Pretty soon there is a kind of
congo line going on, with the women on the side-lines, baking apple pies
and washing dishes. They pass by the political science dept. of a local
university, where a bunch of women are saying stuff such as "Your freedom
ends where my feelings begin" and "Women DESERVE more then men! It's the
only way to be fair!" Seeing the entorouge and realizing that if allowed
to continue it could set womens rights right back to the twenties (note
from nybar: yeah, 2020's. BWAHAHAHAHAHHA. I'm not a sexist damnit!), they
pass out dildo's in female orgies) for men to strap behind them, so the
women can join in also.
Inevitably, the two parties meet. The man with the pope and the
man with hitler stare at eachother. There is a huge tension in the room.
Anyone who was ejaculating stops, thats just how much tension there was.
Except for fat leon, he is incapable of controlling his ejaculation. How
do you think I filled up my swimming pool? The pope man says "One." The
Hitler man says "Two." They both say, "THREE" and draw their pictures (not
with crayons you fookin' idjit.) Hitlers eyes burned into the Pope's,
trying to win the contest by overpowering the pope's will. But the pope
was to subtle to fall for this, and he tried the placid subversion
technique, first pioneered by a bunch of penguins. It could have gone on
for hours.. if a STEREOTYPICAL SCOTTISH POLICE GUY WALKED IN! He stroked
his beard <not a sexual reference> and said "Ah sae we have ourselves a
little lawbreaking going on here aye?" and then drank alot of whiskey.
Both of the pictures' frames shattered. Just goes ta show that the law is
stronger then any religon. Damn I'm philisophical. "Some community service
ye'll be a-servin'." "Fuck you lawman, gimme a cell! I'm used to prison,
ever since I burned all of those innocent people at the stake and killed a
bunch of arabs with a sword." replied the pope guy. "So YOU killed my
brother!" said the Hitler guy "ohh yeah.. don't take it out."
The community service film station, 5 years later <damn clogged courts>
A bunch of convicts are trying to make a film. The set is a
kitchen with a pan on the stove-top.
The Hitler Guy, on the camera, takes out an egg. He then says
"This is your brain." He smashes it, pours it into the pan, and says:
"This is your brain on drugs."
The Camera-Police officer: "You idiot, the stove
isn't on!!"
Take 2
The Pope Guy grabs the egg, says "This is your
brain." smashes it, then pours it into the pan. "This is your.. OW my
hand!@$#!@$ STUPID FUCKING STOVE TOP! TURN DOWN THE FUCKING HEAT!"
Take 3
The Hitler Guy grabs the egg, says "This is your
brain." smashes it, pours it into the pan, where it sizzles, and says:
"This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?" The pope guy <offscreen>:
"Yeah, can I have coffee with that?" The police camera-man "hehehehe." The
Hitler guy "Hey, have you no respect for the law?!"
<cue, the pope guy>: "Maybe I haven't!"
<cue the hitler guy, with a bunch of followers>: "Do
you want a Jihad, god boy?!"
<cue the pope guy, with a bunch of follwers, and
jesus with a bigass shotgun>: "That's what us christians love to hear;
someone ELSE starting a senseless war!"
<cue the hitler guy, with hitler behind him, and a
sqadron of Deathshead SS Nazis>: "OUR SEMEN SHALL FLOW INTO THE
NON-BELIEVERS!!! They.... think.. MASTURBATION.. is better then anal sex!!"
<cue the pope guy and his follwers, with jesus>: Jesus
"I think I know how to end this!" <jesus takes off his loin cloth,
revealing a 20' long, fully erect penis, with a huge vein rippling out.>
The pope guy <whispering to his follower>: "I knew he was hung, but
wheeewee.." Jesus "Jerk me off and aim what cum's out at the
non-believers!!!" A little erect christian boy named billy "But.. unky
jesus, isn't it a crime to jerk someone else off?" Jesus "Why, no little
billy! A circle jerk is far removed from penetration!" Billy "But.. what
about.. oral sex?" Jesus "Umm.. shut up and jerk me off." After
masturbating jesus for a while, the Pope guy gets a bright idea, and
throws a roll of 100 dollar bills into jesus' face. This extra stimulation
is more then enough to drive him over the edge, and he shoots his load in
slow motion..
<cue the hitler guy and his followers>: "Ohhhhhhhh...
ShITTTTTTTT! Weeee neeed aaa sluuuutttt." <cue metalchick>: "Hey how ya'
doin'?" <metalchick rips off her easy rip [tm] pants, and spreads her
legs. Jesus' semen flows into it, a gigantic tidal wave, but she takes it
all, when her vagina filled up she drank it up like a veteran oral sex
person.>
<cue the pope guy, his followers (including several
ku-klux klan people), and jesus> Jesus "Hah, you think I've been stopped?
I have a whole eternity of sexual frustration to make up for! Good thing
daddy found a roundabout contradictory way to let me and him masturbate.."
<jesus regains his erection, and is about to fire off a second round,
when, again in slow motion, metalchick, knowing he was a superior
cocksman, attaches herself to him by her buttery love tunnel. For once,
she is completely filled. And, for once, he is in all the way. Even though
he knows it's sinful, who cares.. that's how it goes, the one with power
breaks all the laws.
<next section written by jubjub>
--------------------------------
jesus moans as metalchic slowly mounts him like a seal in heat.
his 20' holy rod fills her buttery tunnel completely. she screams in
eXXXtasy as his papal penis pistons in and out of her slimy entrance.
metalchic slipped her tounge into jesus's mouth as the slowly and
sensously fucked. slowly jesus picked up the pace as he approached climax.
this was the first time metalchic had ever been completely "filled up" and
it felt wonderful. it was also the first time jesus had had sex without
ripping the girl apart.
-interlude-
<jihad guys check their watches> "are they going
to finish soon? we have a war to fight."
-end interlude-
"i think i'm cumming!!!" screamed jesus as he franticly
fucked metalchic, "me too!" she screamed. in an explosion of noise and
sweat they climaxed at the same time. it was the best fuck of their lives.
<end part written by jubjub>
------------------------------
Back to Jihad guys: Hitler guy "So.. how do they pick
the pope?"
Pope Guy "They compare."
Hitler Guy "Oh. Who's the pope now?"
Pope Guy "Some person named fat leon I think. He used to
fill up pools around here."
Hitler Guy "I remember him! He's supposed to be a
satanist I thought. How did he get the water do you think?? Must have
been pretty expensive.."
Pope Guy "Oh, he didn't use water.."
<Jesus and metalchick walk out>
Pope Guy "So.." <shiver> "How was your no longer sinful fuck?"
Jesus "I believe, the cum speaks for itself."
<metalchick bends over, and everyone is soon waist deep.>
Jesus "That's enough, don't want to drown us! hahahah!!!"
Hitler guy "I guess, since you've had sex now, we can both
see the common ground.. and.. like.. be friends, just like good earth
children are supposed to, huh?"
Pope Guy "Why of course! I was just about to say the same
thing to you! hehehe!!"
<the second the hitler guy turns his back, the pope guy
and his followers draw pistols and shoot them in the back> Pope Guy "And
so christians' do unto their enemas, I mean, shit.. <goes through some cue
cards> Enemies, definately, enemies."
Jesus "Why.. what an odd remark. Those guns must have
gone off by accident. That's a message to the kids, don't mess with your
dad's gun. And keep off them drugs."
<jesus hugs smokey the bear, and they and alot of forest
creatures, along with a bunch of christians, say:>
"Keey this world safe and clean!"
<the camera light turns off, and the Camera Police Man
says>: "I guess that was.. kinda.. a community service video.. but what
about the big holy war, the sex and the death?"
Jesus "Oh, that part was real.. but you must admit it had
a good ending."
<the cop runs like hell with the video.>
Did you find enlightenment in this
story? A short survey.
Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior? [Y/N]
If you answered yes, then you are on the sure-fire track
to salvation! You simply have to masturbate while reading the bible once a
day (or once a week for those over 75 or under 3), spread around your
delusions, and openly admit to lying, and then defend yourself. Before you
know it, you will die, and you'll find out you were wrong and not to
believe everything you read in this `zine.
And now, a slightly less informative story:
Freud, with one of his colleagues, investigated two wierd
theories: Both men and women being bi-sexual, and the realtion between the
female genitals and the nose (pheramones).
Both are correct.
FIN
And now some stories I wrote.. um.. for.. jubjub. -Nybar
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
aaah vommitedi inn the toylet, being dronk is KOHL!
- by Jubjub (the unreleased conclusion)
Ohg, ah woke up from my dream with a sore dick with red
spots on it, and a little brown. Then a big russian guy hugged me. Let
this be a lesson: always use lube and a condom. <I got a venereal disease
and died>
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"a toilet diary" -mogel
11/14
that green thing on the toilet. like, what the fuck is that? i don't know.
i don't know. i don't know. but i intend to find out.
11/15
i'm looking at the green thing on the toilet very closely now. it's
extremely green. it has white and grey spots on it. sometimes i think i see
it moving when i stare at it too long, but it might just be my imagination.
this fucking thing is gross.
11/16
today i took a small piece of the green thing on the toilet to my biology
teacher at school. i gave it to him. he said, "my, that's curious!" and he
took it from me. i wonder what he will say.
11/17
today i was going to the bathroom and i noticed that the green thing on the
toilet has been growing in size.
perhaps this thing is some sort of very odd dirt that is somehow collecting
on my toilet. it seems rather large for dirt, though.
11/18
today the green thing on the toilet pulsated. i saw it. i think i should
take it off my toilet soon.
11/19
today i talked to my biology teacher. he told me that the small piece of the
green thing on the toilet vanished. that is strange.
11/20
today the green thing on the toilet started to talk to me. it said, "what's
with these people?" -- i was confused. "what's with these asses?" it said.
i asked the green thing on toilet, "excuse me?" and it said, "where do these
people come from? what's with these butts?"
suddenly, the green thing on the toilent transformed into JERRY SEINFELD.
<writers note: Jerry Seinfeld, my fellow jew>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People who have sucked my dick-----by Nybar
Eeerie
Jubjub
Mogel
Pixie
Metalchick <on 5000 seperate occasions.. in the same night. 4999 in the
same hour.>
Stagger Lee
Henry Lee
Any other Lee's in murder ballads.
Murmur
That bastard Skinhorse.
Hooker <not the bot>
Mogel's Dad.
<this list as of november third, 1989.>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The trix bunny happily hoppily hopped along, forever scheming to steal
trix cereal. Then, he came upon a little cottage. He opened the door
without knocking, and saw a voodoo witch.
Voodoo Witch <the big fat black mama kind>: "I know why you come."
Rabbit "--"
Voodoo Witch "Not that kind of come you sick pervert rabbit! No WONDER all
those metaphors speak of rabbits."
2 hours, later, mogel's trix cereal went non-crunchy in his milk.
Coincidence? I think not. Voo-doo is at work. He ate some cap'n crunch
instead.
by: anonomyous.
<editors note: I got this file in the following manner: I was in a parking
garage, and some shady figure in a license-plateless car drove up to me
with their lights on so I couldn't see them. s/he said, through a
loudspeaker that also muffled his/her voice "Nybar I love poupey." then
she raised what appears to have been a tranquilizer gun. when I woke up, I
was in my room, and this file was on my computer. pretty wierd huh?>
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
And god smiles upon us earth children, it is christmas. The OTHER pagan
holly<heh>day. amen.
eof.
sucker.
amen.
can I get a halliluejyah?
can I get a dictionary so I can SPELL hallelujah?
well... CAN I?!?!
read on to find the answer..
no (read on to see why)
/yes (read on to see why)
Woowoowoowoowoo
I love cats man YEAH!
Penis Enlarger.
Penis Enlargers, this kind of thing IS my bag, baby. -By Jesus
Pussy Diggers, this kind of thing IS my sack, baby. -Metalchick.
Lets be honest, the file is over.
sucker.
