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Pete and Bernies Philosophical Steakhouse 02
POET AND ERNIE'S POST-ANAL SHIT'OUSE
VOL 1, ISSUE 2.
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Written, and inspired by..
PeeWee Lee
D.L
Sven Spangler
Paul Davies
Peter Grifiths
Bernard Gessle
Mojo Flopcock
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INTRODUCTION: THANKYOU ,......Tonka.
Thankyou for subscribing and don't worry about Englishness in Issue
two as I've included an English slang dictionary just to piss you
off. Get you're friends to subscribe, and your aunties too, and your
mums and your girlfriends and everyone you know so that we get lots
more people subscribing though we have quite a few now and that good!!!
Oh, fuck it, let's get on with it...
DL@CATES.DEMON.CO.UK
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Article one: You want reviews, you fuckin got em!
We now vow to review 40 records and movies and books in 5 words or
less. All good zines have review sections and I feel fucking slack by not
reviewing stuff because I used to think it was just an easy way out and
very egocentric but now I realize it's godlike. So here's a review of the
first 40 films, books, or rekids I can see in my room.
FILMS...
Reservoir dogs - Anarchic, violent black comedy
Pulp Fiction - Anarchic, violent black comedy
Wizard of Oz- Classic family fairytale.
Shag- Crazy teen comedy.
Roman Holiday- Romantic comedy, B+W.
Betty Blue- Arty,Erotic French Flick.
Blues Brothers- Classic Wacky comedy.
Diary of a Lost girl-GW Pabsts silent classic.
Fast times at Ridgemont high-Crazy teen comedy.
Head-Crazy Psychedelic Monkees comedy.
Jacobs Ladder- Confusing, surrealist, masterpiece.
The Killer-Violent John Woo Movie.
Last Exit to Brooklyn- Grim.
Multiple Maniacs-Funny.
Mean Streets-Violent Bob Deniro goes nuts at end.
Man Bites Dog- Belgian.
Return of the Jedi- Space Romp.
Talk Radio- Desolate.
Tapeheads-Cheap.
Oh fuck it, this joke isn't funny anymore. FUCK IRONY, I GIVE UP!
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Article Two: Here it is bam, and I say Fiddlesticks.
ALL STAR POP INTERVIEW: THIS MONTH IT'S ICE CUBE!!!
P+B: Hi Ice Cube.
Mr Ice: Wassup!
P+B: Can we call you Ice.
Mr Ice: Yeh.
P+B: Ok, Ice. So, first question, Here is something I can't understand,
how you could just kill a man.
Mr Ice: !!!!!!!
P+B: What's it like, pulling out a jammie and letting DUECE fly into the
screaming, and falling, and yelling, and pissing, torso of a nigga you
don't like.
Mr Ice: !!!!!! See, what you gotta understand is, sometimes on the street
you gotta fuck someone up to survive yourself.
P+B: Wow, it sounds really exciting.
Mr Ice: ?????
P+B: Have you got a large collection of gat's.
Mr Ice: Yeh.
P+B: Cool. You see in England we can't just go out and shoot people, it's
illegal but lot's of times I think it would be cool if murder was
legalized like it is in America.
Mr Ice: It ain't fuckin' legal over there.
P+B: So how come you do it then.
Mr Ice: 'Cos I got's to do shit like dat sometimes, y'know what I'm
saying?
P+B: No, sorry Mr Cube but I don't get it.
Mr Ice: It' s illegal but I still do it, see, it's like dat.
P+B: Oh, like sodomy, we all do it but it's still illegal.
Mr Ice: Yeh, it's a lot like dat. Fucking G's up, 'n' shit.
P+B: G's, as in Girls??
Mr Ice: No!!! G's as in fuckin' Gansta's.
P+B: So you sodomise gansta's.
Mr Ice: No!! I shoot G's.
P+B: YOU SHOOT GIRLS!
Mr Ice: I SHOOT GANGSTA'S!!!
P+B: Ohhh!!! I get it, you shoot Gangsta's and sodomize girls.
Mr Ice: Somin' like dat.
P+B: Ooooh, so you do lot's of illegal things then.
Mr Ice: They can't fuckin' stop me, the police ain't shit.
P+B: You like the police?
Mr Ice: No I fuckin don't.
P+B: But you just said they were not shit.
Mr Ice: They AIN'T shit.
P+B: Same thing.
Mr Ice: No it isn't!
P+B: Yes it bloody is, Ain't and are not is the same.
Mr Ice: Oh fuck off, I'm in a really tetchy mood now, I'm going to call
me agent, this interviews over.
P+B: Sorry.
Mr Ice: piss off, I'm 'aving nout to do wi' ya. Ya smarmy little bugger.
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Article Three: You ate all the pies!!!!
TEENAGERS IN THE 90's.
Teenagers? Are they really the spawn of Beelzebub, or just
participating in harmless, mindless, ribaldry? How much do we really
know about the teenagers of Britain (or wherever).
A new book, published this month, threatens to destroy the very fabric
of existence as we know it. Not only does it expel the myths of
teenagery but also reports some shocking truths about our sons and
daughters.
Author, and eminent Fellow of Normington college, hull, Dr Keith
Thisstlewaite engaged himself in a chaotic, 6 year, research program
to find out what makes our teenagers tick.
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(Exclusive extracts from 'Teenage kicks', published by Faber and Faber,
£19.95, available in shops now)
Teenagers, curse of the 90's or simply a mild annoyance? Whatever we
think we know about the young, the truth far outweighs any fantasy we
may have.
TEENAGE SEX PARTY WILLY AND MUFF GAMES- You may remember parties
as being chocolate cake and blancmange, little presents being passed
around the table, pointy hats and surprise clowns. But today's parties,
and the games played therein, are very much different from the Halcyon
day's of yore. Games such as 'Spin the dildo' and 'Postman's Cock' are
common practice amongst teenagers today. Games which leave nothing
to the imagination. Possibly the most disgusting of these, so called,
games is simply called 'soggy biscuit'.The rules of 'Soggy Biscuit' are
simply, yet unbelievably evil. 4 players, all male, kneel in a circle, each
has a biscuit in one hand and his erect, proud, member in the other. As
the game begins there is a frenzy of what can only be described as ,
wanking, there are no winners in the game of 'soggy biscuit' only a
loser, one man who has to devour all 3 other players spunk dripping
biscuits.
Sick, depraved, disgusting, all words which no doubt enter the minds of
every parent in the land, but it is a staple part of every teenage party, a
sick reminder of the way things have become in the 90's.
TEENAGE SEX- The mouth, the vagina, the arse, all three holes can, and
will, be filled during a teenage sex session. The average teenage sex
session can last anything up to 30 minutes, and invariably ends in
carpet burns, soreness, and in extreme cases symptoms of, what
teenagers simply refer to as, 'a rash'. At the end of one of these 'sex
sessions' it is estimated that up to 1 pint of 'jism' is 'shot'.
The teenage population is out of control, it is our job to stop them
before it's too late. Use a gun, a knife, or maybe a more unorthodox
approach, but whatever you do,stop it now, for our own sakes.
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Article Four : the doobie brothers, in a crate of mangos.
The night I got fucked up at Baz's party....
We get to the Turks (it's a pub) quite early because Jason and Tony (who
used to be in the band (see last issue)) were supposed to be there but
they don't show and Gary and me start drinking silly. Richie turns up
and Baz isn't there but it's going to be his party at his new house and
we knew this because it was arranged. Baz isn't my friend, but I know
him (sort of) and he's just o.k. Say by about 10 O'clock Rik and Baz and
me and Gary and a lot of others are outside the Turks and we are going
to go to the party after the pub closes and I have my guitar and some 'K'
because I need to drink more but I'm drunk and I talk to Phil a lot and he
has some 'bob hope' but we don't because we were skint.
So just before we leave for the party I start to talk to this girl and we
get on really well but she looks good to me because I am so pissed. She
isn't supposed to be going to Baz's party and that makes me sad because
although she is dog ugly I think I will definitely get a shag which is
Important to me when I'm pissed.
So we leave for Baz's party and Gary and me go first and get the stereo
set up and play some loud music and we are both pissed but I'm really
bad.
the others arrive and there are not as many people as I thought there
would be and so Rik and me played drums and jam to some rekids and
drink a lot, and smoke a lot of shit.
The party is simply OK but I get to see an almost buck-naked lady who
derobes for me in the toilet so I can see her Tattoo which I tell her I
think is silly because I don't like Tat's and she has a fit body and if I
was sober it would have drove me nuts but I was scuttered and so it
meant nout.
The Ned arrives (the girl at the pub) and I am pleased to see her and she
raids the beer and we drink it and I get pisseder (which is a bad thing)
and I am not in control. I am ready to pass out but Ned and me play
drums together and she plays guitar and sings to me and she looks like
Jimmy Krankie,which is a very bad thing. She may be retarded a bit but
I'm too drunk to tell. So I think I love her and it's about 3 in the morning
and I'm not going to get off with anyone else so I guess it will have to
be her and then she mentions (in passing) that she lives with her
boyfriend and I am fucking amazed because she was coming on to me
like a crazy woman. And so I think fuck it and walk around a bit and the
cute bar-maid from the Turks is there but she's way out of my league
when I'm so drunk I can't talk or owt. But I'm cool with her and that's
good because at least I can buy a drink from her in the future without
feeling like a twat.
And Gary thinks it's best if we leave and, you know, maybe he's right.
So We get up to leave and Gary has called a taxi and we wait outside
but by now I can't talk, walk, think, owt. So I get in the taxi and Gary
tells him where we need to go and Gary has to get dropped off at home
because we don't live together. So he get's out and I'm feeling more than
a little queasy and so I get out of the Taxi early and spew which is good
that I got out because otherwise I'd have to pay for cleaning the taxi.
And I walk all over the road and the milkman is doing his rounds and it's
late/early, and I'm getting in the way of his milk cart.
So I get home and I am fucked up.....
The next week I see the milkman and he refers to the incident and I
deny all knowledge which is not fooling anyone.
I vowed never to drink or smoke 'ash again but the following week it
was Martins party and I got fucked up again but not that bad, I was just
pleasantly fucked up.
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Article Five: ?????
So I actually got an article sent in for PAB and I read it and It's not the
sort of thing that fits in with our normal content and so I thought I
wanted to put it in because I'm good like that and besides, I liked it!!!
So here it is, verbatim, it's fiction (at least I fucking hope it is) and
it's not funny but it's disturbing like the Resident's or something and I
LIKE IT!!!
Her...
by ben ohmart
She wasn't ugly because of any kind of looks, but it's difficult for
a 14 year old girl, just discovering that she's that much more sexually
superior to men, to get away from the fact that there is a huge
birthmark on her neck in the shape of a size 6 shoe print.
Tlintha would go to school, huddle within her frothing friends of
bad-teethed, wobbling humanoids who couldn't get a date combined if
they'd each put up a forth of a guy, so the fact that she was always
teased about getting an early hold on the psychological tendencies of
spinsterhood, because of those high-collared shirts, was lessened when
she'd hold her straight posture up next to Margerine Tumduldle who had
the hair crop of a black bear.
The incident came like most do about the cruelty of a childhood.
Some guys coaxed a track jock into leading her on. Puppies are led when
you've got food. Tlintha was ready, after a week of this, to be asked
out, forgetting her own deformity in the midst of ideals, but what the
track star did was send her, on Valentine's Day, a bouquet of the finest
Jordan hightops that would fit in a flower basket. She turned like the
song a whiter shade of pale, and taking the paper book cover from her
Life Science book, hid her neck with a deeper layer.
After that, it was easy to stand out, overlooking the cars. Hoping.
Just waiting.
Finally a good specimen came along, and she waited for the invite.
"Would you like a lift?" a man in straw hat and guttural language
asked. She'd never seen him before so answered, "Yeah!"
After fifty miles, the love of the tragedy wore off and Tlintha
was looking at the road stops with a passionate squirm. She thought
she'd been behaving fine up to here, so said, "Can we stop?"
No answer, and fifty more miles were gone before she sprinkled
the car seat with little girl juice. It's hard to find a willing school,
Tlintha thought, this much closer.
He didn't say a word about the wet spots, dragging her up, binding
the wrists, and pulling her by the head up the back steps. Farm country.
No one would bother them.
She was in a chair. Calendars from 40 years past cluttered every
inch of kitchen space, but it felt good looking at the still scenery. The
windows were painted in model paints, the kind used for doing model
cars, ships, and the girl knew because most of the plastic parts were
stuck to the dead windows, as if being just beyond salvation, but
almost.
The man took off his hat, and had fuzzy ears. "I used to have a
little girl like you," he said, explaining no further, but they were only
words. He
thought she expected them of him. Her dress was up before she had time
to
find the humor, the delight in what was about to happen. The man
flabbed her legs, stuffing the puffy socks deep into her black shoes held
to the feet with fake-jewel studded Velcro pieces. The left looked...
Taking a sword from the utensil cabinet, a rather long utensil
cabinet, he began to probe the fleshy part of her leg with the handle,
tapping it out almost like some kind of cigarette.
Needle, Tlintha should've thought.
The blade sliced as fine as a stitch pulled out of a wound, but he
wasn't about to let the first drop be wasted to an unappreciative floor.
No, he'd had too much of that already.
The suck was great, and he kept his mouth around the base of her
fleshy ankle underside until his sinuses demanded he come up for air
through the mouth. Only thing that didn't make it perfect, that bothered
him was that she never screamed. Oh, sure, the basic yell after the
prick, or the slice through the flesh, but not much satisfaction after
the fact. It would have to work later. But then.....!
"You don't have AIDS!" It was a question as soon as he thought it,
but
Tlintha was insulted, and refused. There was nothing he could do to
coax her, what did she have to lose? But over the next three days he
ceased to care. The way to go, was The way to go, and they became fast
friends as he probed every vein she had to give.
He had to untie her during the second week, he had no information
to go on about what happened to them at this stage, didn't they all die
by this point?
But the Red Cross freebies he'd all sent away for had all said the same
thing anyway. You constrict, it lessens the flow of blood. But still she
helped with the cooking. For as long as the fainting spells stayed away.
But the frequency was more and more, and now the couch seemed
like the safest place. He'd always honored her statement about keeping
the lace turtleneck around her back neck regions, but it was becoming
serious.
Tlintha's body was a sack of black slits and scabby cuts that wouldn't
heal
back together for all the E in the world, and the pussy was just out of
the
question. By the time he was warned of her little woman's period, most
of the good stuff was gone. It was no use. He had to go in through the
neck.
Waiting til night, the man thought it would be better on her. The
old house creaked with a farmhouse's personality, but little girls sleep
sound, don't they? he wondered. Slipping into the den, he cursed himself
for not taking her by surprise during the last month. He'd forgotten how
she slept off the faints..
Boxes of cereal were the only garbage around, but many. Still,
they hardly made a sound when crunched; nothing in them anymore. The
man came up. Hand was to her clothed neck, and he peeled back, excited
for the rush that was
there. The unexplored territory that would combine them to that kind of
lover again, without the horrendous need of a fuck. It would be a -
He saw the heelprint. Took a few steps, and wondered. The
moonlight through a chip in the model paint was the only thing keeping
his high eyebrows from being.. nothing. Like the question of if a tree
falls in the woods...
Tlintha yawned and stretched the tight covers back, wondering at
the air that was all around her. Helping her up and into the new morning
that was her world, and licked lips for the Frosted Flakes soon to come.
The street was bare, and she didn't understand. In a mattress, in
the middle of nowhere. A two-laned street at best. She was in shock.
Shock for.. however long it was. Didn't feel used. Couldn't think about
where the nearest bus stop was, which was counties away.
.......So that's it. I think it's good, Ben, you're a bloody pro, thanks-DL.
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Article six-Winki wanki woo
How come I'm so funny...
People always ask me.. 'How come you're such a thoroughly hilarious
person'. well, I cannot deny it, I'm really really funny all the time. I
wake up in the morning laughing hard, but not as hard as the folks
around me who think I'm tops.
My boss laughs at my jokes, even God thinks I'm really funny. I tell ya,
come judgement day my hilarity will far outweigh my sins, 'cos I'm
really good.
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Article seven: P and B for real.
This is a transcription of the real Pete and Bernies taped
conversations. I have a copy of this one tape but there are TONS, I love
them guys. Hopefully when I get my Web page in the next month or two
I'll stick some P+B samples on from the real tapes. Be warned it is
offensive!!!
(lots of stuff before this)
P: I tell ya mate, now we'll talk about, politics or something. Talk about
Bill Clinton.
B; Bill Clintons OK, but the problem with bill Clinton is he should, like,
just do lot's of drugs. More Drugs. He did it before but he didn't inhale.
P: Oh, he didn't inhale.
b:Sure he didn't. I mean, the situation is someone passes you a spliff ,
you inhale, you don't just stick it in your mouth and nothing.
p: he was at Oxford university and he didn't take drugs, I don't think so.
Sure he did.
b: Any self respecting student would.
p: I reckon he took a lot of drugs, his spunk got fucked up, and he gave
birth to Chelsea and that explains a few things.
b: I don't know, because the first time I saw a picture of chelsea I
thought she was cute.
P: Well, she's got braces, she's got bow legs.
b: I've never seen her body, only her face. I' ve seen 2 pictures of
Chelsea Clinton. First one she looked really ugly because she was
Crying. And you know all girls look ugly when they cry.
p: That's not true.
b:Yes it's true.
p: OK I'll name two girls who don't.
b: Alright then.
p: Linda Evangelista, and Papa Andreas.
b: No, that's bullshit because Linda Evangelista if she cried I would
imagine she'd look like the Sta-puft marshmallow man, cos she's got
that shape face. You know the bit in ghostbusters when they shoot the
Sta-puft marshmallow man?
p: oh you and your fucking ghostbusters.
b: Well, you know that bit when he cries in pain
p: yeh,
b: That's what Linda Evangelista would look like if she cried. And that's
ugly, it's not pretty.
p: No it's not pretty. I stand corrected
b: Who's Papa Andres?
p: Papa Andreas? I have no Idea but she's really nice when she cries.
b:Second time I saw Chelsea Clinton she was looking slightly cute and
goofy, And I thought 'Wow, she looks OK' cos you know when you see
Hillary Clinton, and she's getting on in years but I think she's pretty
too. I mean, I'd do it, just to say I did.
p: Just so you could say that you shagged Hillary CLinton.
b: Yeh. And I'd do it with Hillary and Chelsea at the same time. What
would best describe my feelings about the Clinton family would be..
'Chelsea and Hillary and me makes three'.
p: with me looking through the keyhole.
b: yeh, well that would be good. How about Bill looking through the
keyhole.
p:No, BIll's in the closet and I'm looking through the Keyhole. The eye is
watching me watching Bill watching you and Chelsea and Hillary.
b: Because Chelsea's never had a dick and never will ever have a dick.
p: She has.
b: Who?
p: O.J. Simpson.
b: he gave her The Big Dick?
p: yep.
b: Well he must have The Big Dick because he's a big basketball player,
or was he a big football player?
p: He's a big murdering man!!
(lot's more talk edited)
p: Even if I was in Japan and a little guy came up to me and said 'You
wanna buy some pussy' with lots of little tiny girls, like Harvey Keitel
in Taxi Driver, a real pimp, and he had loads of little tiny girls, I would
be tempted but I wouldn't do it.
b: Not even a hand job?
p: No. Not even fingers and tops. That's it you get three levels... full anal
type bum intercourse, little tiny hairless Chinese pussy intercourse,
and then you'd get hands, and then tops, Hands and Tops, fingers and
tops, you might get fingers and tops and hands, then you'd get tops,
fingers, or nout. You may not even get fingers and tops, you might get
nout. If there was a choice between fingers or tops what would you go
for?
b: I'd go for topsies
p: I'd go for fingers. Most of the time you get nout though. I don't think
prostitutes do fingers and tops though. It's just wide open beaver. If
you were in america and you'd say 'how much for a wank' to a pimp he'd
give you a price, if you said 'how much for fingers and tops' he'd
probably shoot you dead. Only for saying 'Fingers and tops', they don't
like it. I mean, you can have anal sex, pussy sex, tummy sex, eye sex,
willy bum sex,man willy bum sex, puppy sex, baby sex, deep baby puppy
sex, or anything like that is OK but there is a limit to what you can do
and 'Fingers and Tops' slightly oversteps that limit.
b:It's that fine line between wanton lust and bad taste. And fingers and
tops is definitely the latter.
P: Americans are a funny lot. I mean, before visiting Hilary in her
boudoir you would have to prepare yourself, condom wise, and you
would go into a shop and say 'Hello, have you got any rubbers'
b: But you get rubbers in stationary shops.
p: That's right and they would give you something which erases pencil.
b: Could you say 'Rubber Johnies' in America would they understand you?
p: If you asked for 'Rubber Johnies' they'd probably shoot you.
b: They shoot you for anything in America.
p: Well you know what 'Johnies' means in America?
b: No.
p: John is American for toilet. So they would think you were saying you
wanted to go to the toilet. It's the equivalent of saying 'I want to go to
wee wee', it's childish phrase. If you said you wanted to go to 'wee wee'
in America then more than likely they would lean you over the nearest
surface, pull down your tight levi's and shove one up you.
b: A willy?
p: That would be your punishment, it's what any red blooded America
would do. Anyway there are only 3 forms of sex in the UK.
b: Yeh?
p: Straight sex, bum sex, and 'tops and fingers'. That's what they tell
you, but let me open your eyes... Fourthly you have (under breath 'oh
fuck') Child sex.....
(he then sings a little song)
You can put your willy up a kid,
they ain't had it before.
It's screams it's fucking head off.
you must not tell your mum,
or trouble will come.
Your Grandma will die,
if you tell a lie.
Don't tell the police, purlease.
b: Wow, you know that shit off pat.
p: We'll you never know when it will come in handy.
b: Is that with a little girl, or boy?
p: That's with a little girl.
b: What happens with a boy.
p: With a boy it's....
(sings again)
You pull down their pants,
and show them the ants.
You both play piss on the ground,
you say that that's a good size.
Bad boys tell lies.
Your limp will soon heal,
now let's cop a feel.
My finger inside,
your tight little hide.
---------------I think that's enough now, There is a shit load more of
the tape but it's a bugger to transcribe and it makes me laugh a lot-DL-
---------
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Article Eight: An old ten P coin.
Larry Adler. I fucking 'ate him. Why? You ask. Well, he plays harmonica,
and last weekend he was on the fucking South Bank show. I know this
bloke called Skunk, who's 93, and plays down Friar Street with his
harmonica and he's not on the South Bank Show. I mean, all you have to
master to play the harmonica is the art of Breathing, big frigging deal,
I think I've got that one cracked, in out etc, place harmonica to lips, and
you are Larry Adler.
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Article Nine: Steppin, use my steel toe as a weapon.
Reading, England, UK, is a neat place to live. I can tell you're sceptical,
but I can understand, so here is a few words about why Reading, my
home town, is so fucking doe.
Reading town centre has 3 streets, Friar Street, Broad Street, and
Oxford Road. Friar Street is where the buskers go, they also go to Broad
Street and there is a bloke who thinks he's Elvis, and he's weird, and
when people busk he joins them and people take this piss out of him but
he's happy I suppose.
We have a few record shops, but in the days of yore there used to be
lots more but they got shut down because 'Our Price' records opened
about 5 shops in one street and then HMV got loads of shops and 'Our
Price' lost all their shops and now we have a Virgin Megastore, but it's
shit. HMV is the best store in Reading because they occasionally get
imports but Tower Records in London is the best for imports but this is
Reading, and we don't have one, which is a shame but we have so many
record shops that it would be unwise to get anymore, for some but not
me as I love record shops. Darren goes there with Esther, I go there
with Gary, and Critchy goes with Darrens brother Jason and that's all. I
used to go with Charlotte, but she left me, and I want to go with Manju,
who I like a lot, but we haven't gone out yet which is a pisser but I hope
to see her socially soon and go to Reading shopping with her but she
comes from London but lives in Reading and I live in Reading but go to
London. They have shops that sell computer games and software but not
Macintosh games as they do in Slough but the people who work at The
Apple Centre in Slough are CUNTS (imho).
I can't think of anything else in Reading which is neat. We have to go
out of Reading for any interesting stuff, but Reading has a great
shopping centre as good as any other except London, or maybe Bristol,
or Portsmouth, or something.
So come to Reading and maybe you will see me on a Saturday at the
Record shops of Reading like Bev's which is actually called 'Sound
Machine' but we call it Bev's 'cos Bev is the owner and we know him and
Brian works there and he used to be a DJ and he's simply OK. Bev's nice,
and the girl who works there is fucking gorgeous but she read the other
fanzine (the paper one) that me and my pal's did called Lucky Bag, which
said about me beating off over Katie Puckrik and I think it put her off
but she is pretty and she works in a record shop and so that's
cool.....(etc)
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Article Ten: English Slang
We use a lot of English words and phrases which you might not get,
tough.
Well, OK, here's all you need to know...
Whaking off, beating off, pulling your pud, wanking, tossing- they all
mean masturbation.
Taking the piss- means making fun of someone
Trousered, plastered, legless, witless, shit-faced, rat arsed- they all
mean drunk.
Arse-Bottom
Dick-penis
Skint- Having no money
Owt/out - something (eg, have you got owt, did you get owt)
nowt/ nout - Nothing (I got nout, I bought nowt)
I think that's all but you can probably work out the rest, sorry for
confusion but I know no better.
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Article eleven: Pop goes the Beatles.
POP FACTS: This month it's Paul McCartney of Wings fame.
1-When Paul was young he used to write death threats to Mickey Mouse,
and even now he want's to kill the lovable cartoon rodent.
2-Pauls first wife, Shane, was also married to Glenn Miller of Aircrash
horror death terror shame fame.
3-Paul is a dead man, but he doesn't know it yet because I'm going to
kill him when I'm old enough and have a big gun.
4-Linda McCartney is a vegetarian. She never eats meat, she simply
feasts on the carcasses of tiny Chinese babies and peas.
5-Pauls second wife, Steve, was really boring.
6-Paul has a wart up his arse and it hurts like buggery.
7- Paul has 3 children and a porcupine and lives on a farm and is normal
and just like you or I.
8-Paul McCartney wrote 'Mull of Kintyre' whilst thrashing a brazilian
peasant with a big stick as a form of cruel punishment for forgetting
his Special Drug suitcase which Paul paid him 20 million pounds to
smuggle through customs. And that peasant was me!
9- Paul McCartney used to sing with the Beatles and he got the idea for
the name whilst sticking his dick up the exhaust pipe of a bus.
10-Paul McCartney kidnapped a baby once and used it for live bait on a
fishing trip to Kent!! He caught a bass.
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Article twelve: Kissing a fishermans knee for free.
THE PETE & BERNIE'S etc FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS V1.0!
Many questions are asked frequently about the publications you are now
reading, so here's a FAQ!
Q-Why?
A-Why not?
Q-Why is P&B so really very shit?
A-The answer is complexed. Not only are we shit as people we are also
very shit in our brains and really just all round shitness is our game.
Q-What do you people enjoy doing besides the E-Zine?
A-We don't even enjoy doing the E-Zine, it was a laugh once but now we
hate everything, E-Zine included. I, D.L, Like to sit alone and do the E-
Zine, or rather I do but don't like it. Pee Wee hangs out with his
Girlfriend and nowt else and he comes up with funny things but I type
them in. Gary sits at home and reads and goes to play badminton and
nowt. And Critchy plays Doom and sleeps a lot and then comes round and
hassles me about things. Pete and Bernie are fictitious. The others are
Pseudonyms and So are Pete and Bernie, and I don't exist and neither do
you. It's all a scam really.
Q-Is there going to be a home page?
A-Well, whatever made you ask that? Well, sure there is but I don't
know when. I have it on my hard disk but it's not on the net yet as Pee
Wee and Me (but mostly him) have to pull a few pranks to get the space
for free which I'd like to see him pull off but I think we will have to
pay in the end but it will happen soon and will have nowt new on it
apart from Issues of this, a few samples from the P&B tape I just
transcribed and a couple other things but at least you'll get to see pics
of us and use them to stimulate and enhance masturbation, which is
smart really.
Q-Do you ever laugh at the stuff you write?
A-All the time but not all the time. If someone else does something
really funny I'll laugh a lot and if I do something really funny I laugh a
lot (I mean piss myself chortling) and some things hold up for a few
weeks but I usually get bored with them but some things I laugh at
forever, I always find them hilarious.
Q-Why don't you write for that Rolling Stone magazine?
A-Because they offered me about a million pounds but I have no concept
of money and any number higher than, say, four thousand and I got
scared and confused and simply ran into the arms of my lover
trembling.
Q-What music do you listen to?
A-Not so much music, I like sound. The sound of a baby vomiting into an
old ladies hat. The sound of the lark ascending. The sound of fish in
general.
PLEASE NO MORE QWESTYUNS FROM THE FLOOR!!!
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Article thirteen: Larger wasted on a piss flea.
Hair Care products of the Royals...
The Royal family are just normal peoples. They eat kit-kat's and jam
and stuff and they smoke fags and they wash their hair. But what hair
care products do the royals use? I'll tell ya!
Prince Charles- He uses Johnsons Baby Shampoo because he likes mild
shampoo but no conditioner and also he doesn't have dandruff so he
doesn't need any other stuff.
The Queen- The Queen uses 'Wash n go' because she just wants to wash
her hair, and go. Wash and Go is shampoo and conditioner in one bottle
and so she doesn't have to take two bottles into the shower she just
takes the one and it works good on her fanny pubes which are blessed
unto god.
Prince Phillip- Prince Phillip is a common man as he washes his hair in
the kitchen sink with Fairy Washing up liquid. the Queen tells him not
to do it 'cos she needs it for her posh dishes but he won't stop and it's
making his hair a bit stringlike in texture and the Queen is pissed off at
him.
Princess Anne- She uses Head and Shoulders 'cos she's got a spot of
dandruff and that's not on if your posh like she is. I met her once, well
actually I saw her and she was a nice lady and she had a cup of tea with
people I know and they spotted her dandruff problem but they didn't say
owt because they didn't want to offend her through fear of beheading.
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Article fourteen: My three sons.
If you're big belly-laughing humans like us you will be amused by....
FUN WITH PROSTHETIC ARMS.
1-The Catwalk scam- Wear a plastic arm in your sleeve as if you had a
real arm there and put one of your real arms inside your coat and down
your trousers. Sit in the front row of a Paris fashion show, this should
be easy enough but you may have to pay lots of money. So, whilst the
models are walking around looking smart and sexy you may wank off
with your real arm whilst your prosthetic arm looks real and rests
there. The trick is timing and it HAS to be vivien Westwood. So, at the
end of the show make sure you are pretty worked up and almost at the
vinegar shot. When Vivien walks out in a stupid fucking outfit pull out
your dick and shoot off, then run onto the catwalk and rub the sperm
into Viviens stupid white hair. It's tops! The false arm masturbation
utility may be used at the following places...
Cinema's
Pub's
disco's
Rest homes for the elderly
Zoo's
Schools
Youth clubs
Airport lounges
etc.
2-The Santa claus faux pas- Get a job as a Santa Claus at a department
store, you know the ones where the kids sit on your lap and you ask
what they want for Christmas. Well... get a job there and do your job
excellently for a couple weeks so that you get a reputation as being a
good santa as opposed to a bad evil santa. Then.....
on the last day before christmas and about your last customer the prank
can commence. You will need a prosthetic arm and ,of course, a 12-16"
lifelike dildo...
When the mum comes in with her kids simply manipulate the dildo,
under your red robe, into erection position, thus worrying the parent
who you will smile at in a Harry Nillson style. Then do the regular act
with the kids and when your little elf/pixie photographer comes to take
a snap of you and the kids simply slip the dildo out from your cloak at
the moment of photography and without the kids noticing. This will
infuriate the Mum but will cause much hilarity to you and your pals
especially with Christmas coming up and all and provide a nice photo
for Mum to show the kids partner later in life.
It's as simple as that...
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Article Fifteen:Cut myself on a razor, and out came sperm?
Guide to Great British TV stars.
(These descriptions are AUTHENTIC, I'm making NONE of this up
(realizing that 95% of our readership are not British))...
Rod Hull- He is Australian and has Orange hair and is about 70 and his
trick is that he has a puppet which is called Emu and is an Emu which
consists of a body which tucks under Rod's arm and the Emu's neck is
Rod's arm and the head is his hand and Emu attack people with his
mouth and lives in a Pink windmill which is always under threat from a
fat, green witch called 'GrotBags' and it's a childrens thing and it's
MAGIC!
Duncan Norvell- A one shot deal. He's a comedian who's trick is he's gay
and he say's 'Chase me' 'cos that's his catchphrase.
Tony Hart- white haired man who does chidrens art shows (see issue
one for libel)
Anne Diamond- Is a TV presenter who keeps having babies who die in
'mysterious cot death incidents' and she presents 'Good Morning with
Anne and Nick' and they are pals but I don't think they are married or
owt.
Richard and Judy- They are married and present a mid morning TV show
which is only watched if
a) you're unemployed
b)You're sick
c)You are a housewife
and it's really good because Richard (Madely) keeps saying fucking
stupid things and Judy tries to cover up because they interview minor
celebrities. Richard got done for shoplifting a bottle of booze in a
supermarket but the nation forgave him as he denied it all (a bit like......
Christopher Biggins- Was in a Childrens show called 'On surfari' and it
involved running round in strange goo (like an assault course) which
most TV programs for Kid's do nowadays. His catchphrase for the show
was 'Surfari so goody' and he got done for shoplifting recently. He's fat
and round and always on the ground. He ate all the pies. He usually plays
Widow Twanky in Pantomime, it's a British thing and it's MAGIC!
Keith Harris- Another puppet man. This time he is sort of a
ventriloquist and his puppet is called Orville the Duck. They got in the
top ten charts once with a record called 'I wish I could fly' which
went...
Orville: I wish I could fly, high up in the sky but I cant.
Keith: You can!
Orville: I can't!
It was quite a moving song. Orville wears a nappy. They get their own
shows now and again and Keith also has a puppet called Cuddles the
Monkey who's a cheeky little monkey. It's a puppet thing and it's MAGIC!
Jeremy Beadle- He's an unpopular little man with half-size fingers. He
hosts 'You've been framed' which is really popular and it's like
'America's funniest home videos' but shitter in an English way.
He also has a show called 'Beadle's about' and he pulls pranks on people
like making their car get smashed up but it's not their car and they get
irate at someone who is an actor and it's filmed and then Beadle comes
out in a false beard and they shit themselves and are relieved but they
cuss a bit and it's cut from the programm. He's just a general prankster.
His catchphrase is always about 'You are the star of the show' but we
all know that we get nowhere near the money he does so he must be
either lying or wrong.
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Article Sixteen: Arse's are MAGIC!
My day today...
It's a Sunday. I get up out of bed at 11:00 a.m, awoken by a strange
scratching noise. Looking under my bed I am astounded to find Mariah
Carey with a rasher of bacon and critics.
I go downstairs, realize PAB is late and try to not think about it.
Watch TV, drink Diet Coke, smoke, and form an indie guitar band called
PebbleDash who go on to great success, scoring several number ones by
lunchtime in countries as diverse as Switzerland, Israel, and Poland.
And Sweden.
I eat the contents of a pygmy's lunchbox, mostly Pop Tarts with a dash
of Ketchup and then go back to bed.
I wake up at 6:00 pm and Mariah's still there but now she's got a case of
the flu and she's surrounded by members of the pop band 'The Eagles'
who have re-formed again simple to mop her brow.
After the initial shock of finding my legs swapped over (left to right,
and Vice Versa) and stagger onto a bus and frown at clam.
I sat down to finish PAB but gave up.
I wrote this.
Later I plan to spend the evening practising my stance, fishing and golf
stance for instance, and that's all before I go to bed.
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Article Seventeen: ADVERTISEMENTS....
-----------------------------------------------
When in Reading come to.... WORLD OF SANDPAPER- 3 floors of wall to
wall sandpaper, fun for all the family! All grades, styles, and quality.
Something for everyone! PAB BOX 211
-----------------------------------------------
FOR SALE- Peruvian Midget. One careful owner. 3ft tall, white hair, pink
eyes, speaks conversational English. 50 quid or near offer. PAB BOX 232
-----------------------------------------------
WANTED- Nineteen spells from a witches mind, fifteen sledgehammers
from Mr T's wardrobe, and a comb. Will pay good money. PAB BOX 321.
-----------------------------------------------
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Article Eighteen: Foreword by Jane Russell.
COULD YOU BE BRIAN WILSON?
Find out in our simple, just for fun, questionnaire...
1) What happens at your family dinner table?
a)You and your immediate family sit down to a hearty dinner, passing
amusing comments. generally a bit fucking smart.
b)You and your immediate family sit down to a less than hearty dinner,
passing sarcastic comments. generally a bit tense.
c) Your father pulls out his glass eyes, throws you in the bath tub,
makes you shit on a plate and then beats you with a cricket bat. For fun.
Generally a bit torturous.
2) You have top pop hit's with a successful band called the Beach Boys,
what do you do?
a)Sing Hosanna's!
b)Capitalize on your new found success by opening a chain of dog food
shops called 'Beach Boys one stop dog shop'
c) Lay in bed for 7 years.
3)You make the greatest album ever, like ever. what do you do with it?
a)Release it to the world and lap up ensuing press adulation.
b)Release it to the world and shun ensuing press adulation.
c)Nowt.
OK KIDS! Mostly a's and I'm afraid that after extensive lab tests we
have concluded that you are not and have no chance of ever being said
Beach Boy leader Brian Wilson. Mostly B's and you have Brianesque
potential, join a local barbershop quartet and tour the home counties (if
you live in England that is). Mostly C's- GLORY BE! You ARE Brian Wilson,
Put on a towling robe and get back to bed immediately..
(BTW- Any Brian Wilson fans out there who find factual inaccuracies in
the above 'article' please don't write as I know all about it and all that
has come before is hearsay and lies)
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Article Nineteen: The popstars with false nose section.
That's all there is. I always said that there would be 25 articles per
issue but I made a childish error. Anyway this issue is longer than the
last one although there are less articles so what can I do.
There may be a Christmas Mailing on Christmas Eve but I'm not sure
whether I can manage it with Christmas and all and that I have to
write/compile/ hassle the other guys for the next issue at the same
time but I will say that there will be a small mailing of a different
format.
My Web page will be up next month and I'll let everyone know about it
then.
If you want to write anything then do, send it to me, I'll put it in
regardless because I'm good like that.
Later!!
D.L. (etc)
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