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Pete and Bernies Philosophical Steakhouse 01
PETE AND BERNIE'S PHILOSOPHICAL STEAKHOUSE
VOL 1, ISSUE 1.
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Written or inspired by:-
Sven Spangler (scumpiggy)
Pee-Wee (Mr. Unreliable)
D.L (The nicest kind of wife killer)
Chief MÕBinki (Caretaker to the famous corpse of Charles 1st)
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Foreword:
You know I really cannot be bothered.
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First article: Gimme some wood, and IÕll build you a cabinet.
The genealogy of Oates (out of Hall and Oates)
Kenneth had two sons, one was called Keith, one was called Don.
Don got married to a lovely lady called Maxine
Don and Maxine had a daughter called Martina, she had one leg, a limp,
and a smile.
Martina got married to a one armed man, like out of the fugitive or
something. They BORE no child. So that buggered up things a bit.
Keith, on the other hand, got married to Clare, the cleaner. Clare's skin
was pure and she had a cute elfin smile, mmmm.
Clare and Keith had 2 children, one died in itÕs cot so that didnÕt do out,
but one child called Steve was alright so thatÕs something I suppose.
Steve got married to a lady called Ellen and they had a little girl called
Maxine, but weÕre not interested in her we are only interested in their
only son who was called....JOHN OATES, the untalented one out Hall and
Oates.
He was a sure fire handsome lad with a big floppy Ôtache and he was a
bit short too and he liked to play guitar and was good at it but couldnÕt
do owt else so he teamed up with Dave Hall who was taller than him
and had yellow hair and they had pop hits and the rest, as they say, is
history.
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Article two: Our promise to you
P+B promise to abide by the following codes of E-zine...
1) Very Idolatry.
2) Spouting bullshit and then realising the folly of our out pourings.
3) Constant references to spice, salt, condiments in general.
4) Mucho Mondo Hilarity.
5) Questioning the world around us, and then not wanting to really
know.
6) Intense shenanigans.
7) The promise that once subscribed you cannot for love nÕmoney get
out again, a bit like Scientology.
8) The love of all Gods, however unlikely their real existence may be.
We love religion, we think itÕs tops!
9) Paranoia.
10) Frivolity.
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Article Three: Man-Boy love is GOOD!
Cavalcade of the stars...
It was around midnight when bruce Willis ate a hot dog
Tom CruiseÕs real name is Tom Prowl
Michael Keaton was inherited in a late Aunts will and given as a raffle
prize when he was a wee lad.
Arnold Schwartzanaeger!
Michelle Pfiefer unnerves her neighbours by banging the walls with her
hoover.
Demi Moores mum has two photoÕs on her kitchen wall. One is of Demi,
and one is of Satan.
Madchen Amicks First name is german for ÔKool and the GangÕ
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Article Four: The Bongo Brigade cometh...
WANK STOPPERS
Were you in the area of 22 Brouchester Gardens, Kent, on the night of
the 14th October? Then Maybe you can help WankStoppers with their
enquiries.
Apparently, a man was heard and in fact seen, pulling his pud
frantically over ÔJanaÕ in the January 1994 issue of ÔRazzleÕ in his own
bedroom.
If you have any information about this or any other tossings then please
contact us at the usual address. Your action could result in the arrest
of this man, and several others linked together in a Ôjazz syndicateÕ and
could earn you a Ôcommunity wank watchÕ award.
Keep Ôem peeled!
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Article Five:STOP! ODER MEINE MAMI SCHEIST!
RING!RING! Telephones are an ideal form of communication!
Surely there is no other invention of the twentieth century which can
compare to that of the telephone.
Wether you want to catch the latest gossip with your family, or simply
say hello to an old friend, the telephone is there, twenty four hours a
day. And itÕs so simple to use!
But itÕs not just there for pleasure, businesses are also finding the
telephone a boon.
Time Peterson, RFI-Telecommunications ÔThirty years ago the quickest
way to contact someone was by post, now you can increase your
efficiency with the use of telephones. From striking a deal with a
customer in Tokyo, to simply finding the correct time, itÕs all there and
only a press of a button away.Õ
But it wasnÕt always this convenient.
The telephone has come a long way since itÕs inception in the early
1900Õs, as a large wind up, piece of machinery. Through many designs
and though the great leaps in the telecommunications industry we are
now able to all own a sleek, portable phone, and the future looks
brighter than ever with the introduction of video phones.
The concept is simple.
A telephone handset contains two transducers, one in the earpiece, and
one in the mouthpiece. A transducer is a piece of electronics which
converts ÔpitchÕ signals, i.e, the voice, to electronic pulses which can
be sent down a telephone line to the receiving phone where the signal is
then converted back into a form we can all understand, that of clam.
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Article six: Women with gloves.
you know those little sick leave forms you have to fill in when you get
back from work after your sick and then you have to hand them in to
personnel and the ones at my place are pink and you have to put in
reason for illness? You do! Why, thatÕs dandy. Why not try these
excuses....
reason for time off....
1-Not so much an illness, more a state of mind.
2-Fell of a swing in park
3-I fought the law, and the law won.
4-Triple heart bypass, it smarts a bit.
5-I was here, I was just hiding.
6-Kinder egg toy caught in wind pipe.
7-Cramp.
8-Wanted for a crime I did not commit.
9-Run for your wife.
10-sick to the back teeth.
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Article seven:Bottom toys
Guide to percentage of water in stars.
Janet Jackson----------45 percent water, 55 percent carpet.
Joe Walsh--------------19 percent water, 81 percent sponge.
Tim Robbins-------------only 1 percent water, 99 percent sand.
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Article eight: John Inman's bubbly tested cigarette finger manipulation
A Fan letter to Traci Lords...
Dear Traci,
I am a real appreciator of your work. I love all the films youÕve been in
except the porny ones which I steer right the fuck away from. I have a
problem though and as you are my guiding light in this world of shit I
know only you can really answer nice like.
You see, it all started way back last June. Every time I wash my hair it
goes crazy. I donÕt know what to do. It happens regardless of any drying
techniques or use of shampoo/conditioner. I know you have beautiful
hair, even though itÕs seen more spunk matting than most and you
peroxide it to fuckery or something, and so I know that you can help me.
I love you Traci. I love you and I need you and if you donÕt love me I will
kill myself and take a whole lot of fuckers down with me,get it? you
see I cannot go on without you. Everynight I think about you and him
together and I curse the day you met him and end up crying with my dick
in my hand while IÕm wanking over you. You are heaven sent and here to
lead me into love and life Traci and I know that you know that.
Please come to me Traci and never leave me.
Love forever, eternal and true.
Sven Spangler.
P.S-Can I have a signed photo, itÕs not for me itÕs fr me mate.
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Article nine: Men desperate to disguise a shiny head
Evil Kneival is not an evil man. WhatÕs so evil about driving over 20
busses in a motor bike? If he was really evil heÕd try jumping over a
few babies in a Ford Anglia or something.
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Article ten: Me and My operation.
POP FACTS-This issue its CHER!
1-Cher was once married to Ken Dodd, of Notty Ash tickle stick tax
dodge fame.
2-CherÕs real hair colour is orange. No itÕs true!
3-Cher has a great big tattoo on her arse of a ships anchor with the
words Ôland ahoyÕ under it.
4-Cher has sex a lot, probably, in fact sheÕs probably a bit saggy.
5-Cher is a paid assassin of some repute.
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Article eleven: Fun with asbestos.
You read the lonely hearts column donÕt you? Well, why not reply to one
of these lonely sad fuckers using this ready made letter I have provided
for your convenience below.
--------cut here ------------------------------------------------
Dear <name here>
I read your ad in the lonely hearts column and thought I would write to
you. You see, I am lonely too. Yes, I know itÕs really awful isnÕt it, being
alone, no-one to turn too, no shoulder to cry on. Most of the time I feel
just like cashing my chips in and calling it a day, but then, out of the
blue, I saw your ad.
My name is Sven and I am the same age as you. I like your style of
writing I think you must come from good stock. I also think that you
must be a very very lonely person to have even considered writing to
one of these columns. You realize how dodgy this game is donÕt you? I
never would put an ad in and I thought I was lonely!
I have had relationships before but they never lasted. My last partner,
Sarah was very pretty. But so was her best friend and ...well, you know
how these things happen, very dodgy. I caught something nasty from Jill
(Sarah's old partner, and best friend) and then passed it back to Sarah
and that was that, she wasnÕt happy Ôcos she had only just got it
cleared up. but, you gotta laugh, eh?
But, anyway, you probably want to know what I look like right?
Well, I stand approximately 3ft 2inches tall and have white hair and
pink eyes. I am very pale skinned, my mum says thatÕs my best asset,
the girls like this I think. I am not very fat, but then I am not exactly
what you may call thin either.
I like music, darts, and IÕm very interested in murder, though I havenÕt
tried it myself obviously (though it has been playing on my mind of
late). I do lots of indoor bowls, and have a large collection of beer mats
which I have collected over the years from many many countries.
I would love to meet you, and love you as my own, and spend some time
with you. I am not a shy person, not by any means, and so I think I could
integrate with some of your family, though not within the next year or
so, I canÕt really be trusted.
Please call me, for GodÕs sake, and we can get together and have lots of
fun. My phone number is (0734)429021. Call me today. LotÕs off fun.
Anthony Ikin.
High Priest.
Church of Satan.
------cut here---------------------------------------------------
So there you go. Simply print it, cut it out, sign it, and send it. I am
sure you will really amuse a lot of lonely people and they will share big
belly laughs with their friends about the whole situation. You too can
be a ÔtimewasterÕ.
BTW-If you want to talk to Anthony Ikin on Reading (that's 0734)
429021 about the church of Satan you may, tell him Sven told you to
call.
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Article twelve: Falling to the floor with a bottle in my hand, treated
like poultry.
HOW IT ALL BEGAN
There was a small town concert promoter who owned a large chain of
peanut shops (including 'peanut-u-like' and 'peanut R us') and he decided
to hold a concert to raise money for famine relief. He was so skint that
he could only afford to give the performing artists payment in kind (i.e,
peanuts!). The big day came and he eagerly awaited the vast number of
performing legends to arrive, hover, when the crunch came only one
band turned up. That band was the hit pop combo 'The Monkess'. And thus
started the common phrase 'You pays peanuts, you gets monkees!'.
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Article thirteen: A great deal of cussing, and much profanity too.
CAKES OF THE STARS
Michael J Fox ------ Chocolate swiss roll.
Jack Lemmon------- Jam donut
Robert De Niro------ Loony toons cup cakes
Eddie Vedder------- Chocolate chip muffins
Cindy Crawford----- Fondant fancies.
Prince------------- Chocolate hob nobs.
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Article fourteen: Masturbating over pictures of Mackauley Culkin.
ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE?
Find out by asking yourself these questions.
1)What do you keep in your funny little special magic scrapbook at
home?
a) Pictures of your favourite lakes.
b)Pictures of saucy scantily clad buxom nubile ladies.
c)Pictures of children, IN THE NUDE (frolicking on the beach)
d)Full danish hardcore kiddie porn shots of children being made to
lick each others genitals in such a manner as to cause you
to shoot vinegar.
2) What do you most like to do, of a Sunday?
a)Amble along the winding paths of the lake district.
b)Watch saucy electric blue videos.
c)Look through the kiddies section of Kays catalogues.
d)Ritually abuse pre-pubescents whilst drinking your own
pungent piss.
3) What would be your ideal occupation?
a) A vicar, caring for the community and such
b) A sexy naughty film actor or actress.
c)A social worker, so you could press up against kids a bit
d)A playschool teacher so you could steal little children's PE
kits for your own dark and sinister purposes.
4) What is the contents of your drawers in your bed room.
a)My grundies and nout else.
b) A big stash of legal Jazz mags.
c) A few kiddies shoes, to squirt over from time to time.
d) A child.
So, how did you do.... find out now.
Mostly D's---You are a paedophile, congratulations.
Mostly C's--- A tad strange.
Mostly B's--- You are free to go with no further questioning.
Mostly A's--- You are Harry Secombe.
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Article fifteen: Sweaty clinkers.
The day I met Phoebe Cates.
It was a Saturday and I was in London just looking around and spying
out all the neato records that I would buy had I lots of moula and then I
saw her, out of the corner of my right eye. It's....no it can't be... ah but it
is!!! It's Phoebe Cates! So I strolls on over, calm as you like, and I say
'What's up?'
And she looks at me and says
'Do I know you?'
and I say
'No, but I know you?'
and she looks worried and says nout.
So I say
'You are Phoebe Cates, and I am our fan!'
and she says
'Who?'
And I say
'Phoebe Cates, you know the lady actress, Gremlins an all'
and she says
'I'm sorry, I don't know who you mean'
but I know it was her. So I grasp her arm and shout at her
'Don't bullshit me bitch'
and she is in pain and so I let her go and say
'I'm sorry'
and right about then I get rushed by security and beaten up. And even
though she denied it, I know it was her, or I would if it weren't for my
bullshitting.
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Article sixteen: I wanna be like Richard Madely
Holy, Holy, Holy... the top ten holiest people in britain.
10-Thora Hird
9-Harry Secombe
8-Mr Motivator
7-Doctor legg (Off Eastenders)
6-Dot Cotton (also off Eastenders)
5-Ulrika Johnson (of Timotae advert fame)
4-Ivy (from the corra)
3-Desmond Lynam (From How do they do that)
2-Topol ( out 'Fiddler on the roof')
1-Douglas Barder- THE HOLIEST MAN IN BRITAIN!
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Article seventeen: Kool and the Spangles
I want you all as my girlfriends, but could you fuckin' 'ack it? Find out
in this fun quiz. Just answer c to all these and we can do out.
1-I come home late, trousered up like a fucker, throwin'' up all over. I
kill your cat, eat all the food in the freezer, then sit down in front of a
porno video and demand tops and fingers.
What do you do?
a) Call the police
b)Laugh it off as a big funny joke
c)Invite all your friends over to have tops and fingers too.
2-We have just finished making passionate love and I say 'Now fuck off
out of my bedroom!' what do you do?
a)Slap my face and say 'we're through'
b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
c)Leave quietly and wait outside the bedroom door until I decree you fit
to once more enter the inner sanctum for more pleasuring .
3-We've had a bit of an argument, so I decide to play 'Happy home' by
the Residents repeatedly, over and over again for 2 hours. What would
you do?
a)Phone a psychiatrist.
b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
c)Dance with me to the 'tune' as long as I want and then offer to buy me
a pizza.
4-We both share a nice cup of tea, when, half way through, I inform you
that I have actually pissed in it. What d'ya do about it?
a)Take me outside and beat me with a piece of 2 by 4
b)Pass it off as my 'funny little' sense of humour.
c) Drink the rest of the tea, say 'thank you' and then ask for another cup
sheepishly like out of oliver or something.
So, how did you do?
If you answered mostly A's then BEGONE EVIL ONE! If you answered
mostly B's then we could date but I only like you as a friend. If you
answered all C's then welcome to my family, I love you, have my baby,
bare my evil spawn.
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Article seventeen: Pob will eat himself.
Some facts about Tony Hart out of Vision on/take hart/hart beat/
morph phame.
1-Tony believes in the ancient art of Buggery, whereby man inserts his
penis into a woman's anal orifice causing her to scream 'Wrong fucking
hole!!!' and then cry a bit.
2-Tony Harts real name is Tony Pancreas, but he kept that a bit fuckin''
quiet didn't he?
3-Tony Harts real life landlord is the same bloke who used to stick his
fucking nose in every week on Take Hart and say some stupid flippant
quip or something or other and then disappear and now he's a student.
4-Tony Hart has had it off with all the girls who co-presented take
hart with him and he satisfies them all because he has such a big knob.
5-Tony Hart is hard of hearing, hand has baps, not rolls mind.
6-Tony hart is frequently naive but has a very novel way of disguising
this.
7-Tony hart had it off with Morph by sticking Morph up his bum and
wiggling him about a bit till he was fully satisfied.
8-Tony called the Queen a whore and she just fucking smiled.
9-Tony Hart, did a fart, whilst riding in his go-cart
10-Tony Hart is the inventor of that which we now know as 'air'
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Article eighteen: Pornography, a mans best friend.
DR THISSTLEWAITES GUIDE TO SEX!
Dr Keith (just Keith) Thisstlewaites new book, 'Sex-What's in it for
you?' is top of this months best sellers. Dad's everywhere are fighting
to get their hands on a copy as the nations gets taken over by
'sexmania'. But, exclusively, in your soaraway P+B we are proud to bring
you a brief extract from the sex book which has the nation salivating.
-----------------------
(Extract from 'Sex-What's in it for you?' Published by Faber and Faber,
for 19.95, available now)
Sex, it's Britain's number one past time. But how much do you really
know about fucking? There now follows some startling facts about sex,
and some figures too.
SEX-Sex, or fucking, is Britain's number one pastime, but how much do
you really know about it? Straight sex, or fucking, takes place between
two things, be it man and woman, man and man, woman and man, man
and man and woman, or man and two more men, and a woman, or maybe
an item or dog. It's fun, easy, but how much do you really know about
sex, or fucking?
botty sex-It's when a man puts his Mr Johnson in a woman bottom, and
it's illegal. Too. But not illegal for a man and a man. Over a certain age.
Kinky sex- It's when either a man or a woman, or both, dress like
sigmund Freud and then have sex, too.
Oral sex- is not, in fact, having sex, or to sex, but in fact talking about
it, usually to ones friends, down the pub, when pissed, or to your pets.
Nasal penetration -Is the art, or art, of sticking your penis up a persons
nose and is not illegal but is very nice and extremely safe and I
recommend it to all of you.
But what of teenagers? Teenagers are notorious fuckmatic and the
average British teenage has sex on the whole, up to, and including 14
times a week. This figure is sure to shock Dads.
But what of pets? Pets have feelings too and the insertion of a member
into a pets orifice (be it rat, hamster, dog, cat, crab, or sandwich) is
both healthy, and illegal, and very nasty indeed. And don't think you'll
get out of it by sticking a hamster up your arse 'cos that's not on either.
Sex is nothing to be scared of. A recent survey showed that most
women, when asked, said that one thing they wanted in a man was a
sense of humour. Whilst most men, when asked, said that the one thing
they wanted in a women was their dick. This speaks volumes for the
state of the nation today and I am proud to be British (though one of my
parents was Flemish) and is sure to shock Dads.
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Article nineteen :6 girl sex
BOSS-U-LIKE
The perfect boss should be able to laugh when you fire staples at him,
and flick his arse with a rubber band. He should be firm yet fair. He
should have brown hair. Definitely not blonde. And no fucking
moustache. A mustachioed man is definitely out of the question. A full
beard is not only OK, but actually recommended.
He should be an avid recreational smoker, and never ever turn up to
work before you.
He should be squidlike in appearance, and bovine in sense. A phallic
statue should adorn his office, and he should carry about a sack
brimming with eel like aliens from another planet, not dissimilar to
our own.
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Article twenty : 23 grapefruit up a cardinals arse.
ALBINO WATCH-News for or about Albino's.
*New quiz show beginning on Radio 4 called 'Albino Challenge' where a
panel of albino dwarfs have to guess the weight of frogs.
*Sixteen men have been arrested in connection to an albino slavery
syndicate. In one man's flat in Dover over 20 Albino's and assorted
Midgets were found starving and badly taunted.
* The ADLF (Albino and Dwarf Liberation Front) have freed 25
laboratory Albino's in a raid on Oxford University Labs. It is believed
these albino's were being used for experimentation.
* Monolith, the world first Albino, and Dwarf. black metal have had to
cancel there debut UK show at Camdens Underworld due to threats
made by members of the AAL (anti Albino League) who had threatened
to disrupt the sell out show should it go ahead.
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Article twenty one: You're going home in a cosmic ambience.
The night my band kicked me out.
they pretended that the band had split up and they hadn't but they just
wanted to get me out even though I was the only one who could play any
fucking instrument or write any songs. So I started to get drunk and I
get very drunk indeed and I've had enough of them and so I decide to just
hang out with any girl I see that I know and I meet this girl that I tried
to get off with before and she's really sly and she pretends to be
interested bit she's not because I'm paranoid and I don't want to tell
you her name. So I'm talking to her, but I can't see too good because I've
had a skinfull and I don't get no play and you can hardly blame them
because I was teetering on the brink of paralysis.
Then I see this girl I know from work and I'm trying it on with her but
I'm getting nout and I am a bit fed up because I don't want her to tell
lot's of other people at work about my foolhardy behaviour because she
is not really that good looking. And I almost pass out and then they
play Rage Against the machine and the pit is really getting viscous and
I go in and start moshing but I can't take too much of it because it is
really nasty. And then I go and start talking to other girls and I talk to
one girl and she has pony tails on each side of her head, as is the
fashion amongst young ladies nowadays or so I am led to believe, and I
ask if her hair is natural and she says it is, so I say 'What? you have
these things naturally growing out of your head?' and I am only trying
to be humorous but it fails dismally and she frown I think but I can't
remember because I was way drunk but Gary tells me that happens and
so I have to believe him.
So anyway, I am a bit drunk and I give this girl I know half a pint and a
rose but she doesn't give a fuck. And Gary and me leave and I try to walk
to the town centre to get a taxi but I cant even walk and this is outside
the After Dark on a Friday night and I sit down on the steps and
everything starts to spin and I am so drunk and Gary fed up because he
can't get me to get up and walk into town for a taxi and then I decide I
want to and we start walking and I am stumbling about all over and I
am even drunker and we get into a taxi and I get home and toss plenty
of cookies all over and I felt ill and it was really bad. I have been this
drunk lot's of times since so it really couldn't have been that bad.
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Article twenty two:I stick my fingers up cat's bums because it makes
my willy tingle. Yet I am the highest paid philosopher in the UK.
Cheese-The king of dairy produce.
Millions upon millions of people eat it every day, it is by far the most
widely used item of Dairy produce, cheese is the word on everyone's
lips. But how much do we really know about cheese?
From the chalky texture and sour taste of brie, to the sweet, juicy
texture of the great English Chedder, all cheese starts off as the basic
ingredient of Milk. This milk is taken and put into a machine where it is
stirred constantly and mixed with Rennet where upon it eventually
turns into cheese. This is why when your milk goes off it has the slight
odour of cheese!
The cheese, once formed, is stored away until mature and then cut and
graded. It is then sent to supermarkets throughout the world where it
will be dipped in Ram's phlegm and then packaged in meat conveniently
cut out from a head of a dead howler-monkey, before it is offered for
sale to you, the shrimp.
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Article twenty three: Evil Doctor Mork, spawn of lucifer.
STAR INTERVIEW-Michael J Fox.
P+B: So Mike, how's it going mate.
Mike: Fine, no problems. How are you?
P+B: No problems. So listen, mike, you doing Teen Wolf three or what?
Mike:Sorry?
P+B: Teenwolf three. You doing it?
Mike:Should I?
P+B:I think you should because it's really going to be great, really
wonderful,and you haven't done owt since Back to the future 3.
Mike:How do you know about it?
P+B:Well, you seen, we're writing it at this moment. Do you wanna hear
the plot we got, it's smart.
Mike:??????
P+B:So, there's this guy, right, and he's a bloke, right, and he's at
college, right, and he's actually a wolf, and he tries to hide it but it
come to light and the wolf is very popular and...
Mike: But that's the plot to teenwolf 1!!
P+B:Yeah.
Mike:?????
P+B:Why not?
Mike:Because it's already been done.
P+B: oh... so you're not going to do it then?
Mike:NO!
P+B:OK.
Mike:Listen, can we talk about something reasonable please.
P+B: OK, listen, Mike, you were in Family ties right?
Mike:......
P+B:Well, it was smart!
Mike:...thanks. I'm glad you like it.
P+B:Yeh, what was it like to work with Justine Bateman?
Mike:Fin, we had a lot of fun on the set.
P+B:Yeh, her careers down he pan now, eh?
Mike:Well, I wouldn't say that.
P+B:Listen, Mike,m you couldn't give me her phone number could you?
Mike:I don't have it.
P+B:Oh, do you know anyone that would have it, I mean, can you get it
for me? I'd really appreciate it.
Mike:No I don't think so. I don't think I should
P+B:There's a connection! Her brother played you in TeenWolf 2!
Mike:Yes.
P+B:Well, you haven't got his number have you. Then he might have her
number and he might want to be in teenwolf 3!
...etc....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article twenty four:Pulling a rabbit out of your bosses shirt sleeve.
Buying Jazz Mags can be a traumatic experience. It's a fact of life that
nearly every man under 25 has had to face. The Jazz nab can be hair
raising, But it needn't be so scary if you just use this article as your
guide, follow each hint and your Jazz mag collection will swell to
monumental heights.
1)If you are in a car, make sure that no-one is behind you when you are
parking in the shop, also check that no one is walking along the
pavement nearby with intent of visiting said newsagent, also make sure
that there is no-one in there. If any of these things occur then simply
drive around the block and come back when the coast is clear.
2)Do not scan the jazzy selection before making your purchase. Stick to
the magazines you know and love and don't deviate too far from these.
If you spend any considerable time scanning said selection this gives
other punters the chance to nip into the shop and see you purchasing the
mag and then they can tell your girlfriend/parents/wife/hamster
causing all manner of shortcomings.
3)Whatever you do, don't buy a Jazzie from a shop where there is a
woman under 30 years old serving, it can only cause misery.
4)Never beat off in the middle of a newsagents.
5)Never buy a Jazzie from a well respected chain store.
6)Show no fear! Stride up to the counter, slam down your purchase,
shout "I would like to buy this porno mag", pay in pennies, and stride
out with your purchase underneath your arm whistling a merry tune, and
tipping your hat to passers by.
7)jazzy mags inspire lustful desires and feelings of hatred towards all
women, but it's worth a couple of quid for a few decent wanks.
Thanks.
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Article Twenty Five: That's all folks.
So that's the end of issue one.
Please don't mail me with hateful thoughts, any suggestions will be
ignored. You can mail me if you want out (as apposed to owt) and I'll de-
subscribe you. you can send articles as long as they are foolish and I'll
put 'em in.
God bless you all.
DISCLAIMER: Yeh, you know the score. Me, and the other people who
wrote this shit are the only ones held responsible so don't blame my
employee's, it's not their fault. Blame my parents if anyone. No-one
need agree with anything we have written, God knows we don't agree
with any of it.
Subscribe to PAB by mailing...... DL@CATES.DEMON.CO.UK and stating subscribe (your E-mail address) PAB.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>THE END>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
