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nutworks_Vol 01 Issue 04
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*** ***
*** NutWorks ***
*** ---------- ***
*** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine Which is ***
*** an Equal Opportunity Offender. ***
*** ***
*** ================ ***
*** ***
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*** April, 1985. Issue004, (Volume I, Number 4). ***
*** NutWorks is published monthly. Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) ***
*** virtual Editor and Publisher. ***
*** ***
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And Now, Another Stirring Selection from Our Editorial Backlog.
Well, this is the final issue of Volume One of NutWorks Magazine.
We hope to resume publication in the fall, but for the time being,
there will be summer issues. Surely, this will cause an uproar
among the readers of this wondrous journal, but NutWorks magazine will
take no responsibility for any damage done as a result of rioting, or
any other violent action.
Have yourselves a merry little summer.... Brent
=====================
Chemical Analysis
-----------------
Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Discoverer : Adam
Quantitative Analysis : Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes
ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60
have been identified.
Occurance : Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban
areas.
Physical Properties : Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments no-
tice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when
properly treated, very bitter if not well used.
Found in various states, ranging from virgin
metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varys considerably, but it is
often changed artificially so well that the
change is indiscernable except to the experienced
eye.
Chemical Properties : Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially
in the crystaline form. May give violent reaction
if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food
matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated
with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst
is often required (must say you love her at least
five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of
control when in the dark and all reaction
conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to
react if in the highly stable pure form.
Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage : Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses : Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used
on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural
state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.
Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).
highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must
be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen,
though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
=====================
PSR SUPPORT ON NOS AND NOS/BE
(With acknowledgements to VMS 3 and TWENEX)
Notice: This Software Information may contain code which has not been
fully tested. Use this information with discretion and care.
Please stop submitting PSR's. This is our system, we designed it, we
built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features
you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective as you
think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you. See figure
1.
Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the
features of the operating system.
1) Options. We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you need
two strong people to carry the documentation around. So many that it
will be a cold day in Hell before half of them are used. So many that
you are probably not going to do your work right anyway. However, the
number of options isn't all that important, because we picked some
interesting values for the options and called them...
2) Defaults. We put a lot of thought into our defaults. We like
them. If we didn't, we would have made something else the default. So
keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch. Consider
them mandatory. "Mandatory defaults" has a nice ring to it. If you
change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1.
3) Language Processors. They work just fine. They take in source,
and often produce object files as a reward for your efforts. You can
even make operating system calls from them. For any that you can't, use
the assembler like we do. You don't like the code? Too bad! We spoke to
the language processor developers about this, and they think a lot like
we do. They said, "See figure 1."
4) Debuggers. We've got debuggers, one we support and one we use.
You shouldn't make mistakes anyhow; it is a waste of time, and we don't
want to hear anything about debuggers; we're not interested. See figure
1.
5) Error Logging. Ignore it, why give yourself an ulcer? You don't
want to give us the machine to get the problem fixed, and we probably
can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and 18:00
or 9:30 and 10:30 or 11:30 and 13:30 or 14:30 and 15:30 don't waste
your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1.
6) Command Language. We designed it ourselves. It's perfect. We like
it so much we put our name on it: CCL - Cyber Control Language. In fact
we're so happy with it, we designed it once for each of our operating
systems. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, but
sometimes we blow it, we can't be perfect. See figure 1.
7) Real Time Performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a
good job? So the system seems a bit sluggish with all those priority 70
tasks, no problem, just make them all priority 1. Anyway, realtime
isn't important like it used to be, we changed our group's name to get
rid of the word realtime, and we told all our realtime users to see
figure 1 a long time ago.
In conclusion, stuff your PSR. Love our system or leave it, but
don't complain!
Figure 1.
+------------------------------+
| |
| _ |
| ( ) |
| | | |
| | | |
| .-.| |.-. |
| .-| |.-. |
| | | ; |
| \ ; |
| \ ; |
| | : |
| | | |
| | | |
| |
+------------------------------+
=====================
CMS-Release Theatre Presents:
The Rhyme of the Ancient Consultant
The heart-warming tale of a day in the life of one of our most
colorful characters, the user-consultant.
SITUATION: System Crash
(As result of user-outcry, consultant calls up the operator.)
PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
(For the sake of time, we'll assume the subsequent ten or twenty rings
as taken.)
OPERATOR: (annoyance is prevelant vocal feature) Operations...
(Operations people say nearly everything with trailing
elipses...)
CONSULTANT: Yes, this is the student consultant. We're down. Could
you bring up our cluster?
Op: Just a moment please. Let me check to see if you're really down.
(It is invariably assumed that the complainer is mistaken.)
Sorry, but you're not down. You sure it isn't something else?
C: Well, i'm pretty sure. All 30 of our terminal screens went blank at
the same time....and there are a bunch of irate users here that are
holding me personally responsible. Gee. I'd really appreciate it
if you could bring the cluster up.
O: Well. It sure sounds like a crash. (Short pause) There. Now
you're up.
C: Thanks. Ummmm... one small problem...
O: (Blatantly irked, but appearing concerned) Yes...?
C: ...we're not up.
O: Hmmmm... How strange... There, you should be up now...
C: Nope. Not yet. Ya wanna' try and hurry...ummm it's getting kinda'
unpleasant at this end.
(Please Note, Dear Reader: This situation commonly occurs the last
two weeks of every quarter when every computer class has an
assignment due....the people are getting desperate and mad and
are looking for a throat to slit.)
USER1: I have an assignment due tomorrow!!! Get this system up!!!!
USER2: That's nothing! I have one due in 2 hours!!! Why does this
always happen. Computer service people are incompetent.
(No Mr. User, YOU are incompetent, but we'd never think of letting
YOU in on the joke...)
C: (Not intending to sound critical or sarcastic) Well, perhaps next
time you won't let your assignment go till the last minute.
USER2: (Misinterpreting the consultants remarks as being critical and
sarcastic) OH YEA?!?!? Well I couldn't work on my program
the last 4 weeks for some GOOD reasons!!!! First my goldfish
died! Yeah, that's it...Then my pet wombat choked on jello!
Then...
(Proceeds to relate details of life during last four weeks.
Consultant feigns both interest and sympathy.)
C: Ummmm, gee. That's too bad. Sorry to hear it.
USER3: I think the consultant had something to do with it!!!
USER2: YA! The consultant did this!!!! He made the system crash!!!
USER1: KILL THE CONSULTANT!!!!!!
USER2: Ya! USER1 is right. Let's kill him!!!!!
Meanwhile, back at operations, reclining chairs move slowly upright
and recovery is in the making.
(The lynch mob approaches the consultant.......suddenly....)
O: There. You're back up now.
(Consultant relays the message to the users, who are now happy)
USER1: Three cheers for the consultant!!!
ALL: Hip hip HURRAY! Hip hip HURRAY! Hip hip HURRAY!
USER2: Oh Mr. Consultant, we ARE sorry.
C: That's ok. Now go try to get back what you were working on...
The system will save your programs for 15 minutes after a crash.
USER2: Great! How long has the system been down?
(Consultant looks at his watch. YIPES!! 16 minutes!! He panics
and must now do something to save his life...)
USER2: Well? How long has the system been down?
C: Ummmmmm, 14 minutes. Your programs should still be there.
Unless the evil operator deleted them out of spite. He's up
at the computer center.
USER1: HEY!!!! My program is gone!
C: Wow! That was a dirty trick he played on you poor users. If I
were you, I would...
USER2: KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!
C: YA!!!! Go get him!!!!!!!
ALL: KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!!! KILL! KILL! KILL!
The End
=====================
An optimist is a programmer who writes code using ink.
=====================
the perfect program
--- ------- -------
"no program's that perfect"
they said with a shrug.
"the client is happy--
what's one little bug?"
but he was determined
the others went home
he dug out the flow chart
deserted. alone.
night passed into morning
the room was quite littered
with core dumps and punch cards.
"i'm closer." he tittered.
chain smoking, cold coffee.
logic, deduction.
"i've got it!" he cried.
just change one instruction.
then change two, then three more
as year followed year.
and strangers would comment
"is that guy still here?"
he died at the console
of hunger and thirst
next day he was buried
face down, nine edge first.
(for those of you lucky guys (and gals) who never got to use cards,
"face down, nine edge first" is how you insert cards into a card reader)
=====================
Ravin' by Laverne Ruby
------ -- ------- ----
Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore,
As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring,
As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four.
"'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core --
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling
And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more.
Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow
From my booze surcease of sorrow--sorrow that I had this chore--
Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore,
Nameless here forevermore.
Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready"
Thrilled me--filled me--with fantastic terrors never felt before;
And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding
"'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
It is this, and nothing more.
Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker,
And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door.
Hereupon discarding my vanity, hopeing but to save my sanity,
Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore,
For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore--
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing,swearing,
Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before;
But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the wispered word (CENSORED),
This I wispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED),
Merely this, and nothing more,
Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding,
Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck,
Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore--
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore--
'Tis the cards, and nothing more!"
Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting,
Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before;
Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I,
Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more.
But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core,
Blinked, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling.
Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore;
"Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter,
Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore.
Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption,
Though it answer little meaning--little relevancy bore;
For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective,
Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore.
Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor,
Say such a word as "Nevermore?"
But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only
That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score;
Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten,
'Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before--
On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have flown before."
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
Then methought the air grew smoggy, presently my head grew groggy,
Gripped by madness, then I spoke, my voice containing thirst for gore,
"Beast!" I cried, "Let Satan take thee! Let the devil roast and bake thee!
After, get the fiends who make thee! Let them sizzle four by four!
Let them sizzle, boil, and sputter! Let them fry forevermore!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
"Monster!" said I,"Thing of evil! Black invention of the devil!
By the Hell that fries below us, by the Fiend we both abhor!
Tell this soul with sorrow shackled, the meaning of the word you cackled.
What's this job that I have tackled, never mind the metaphor!
Tell me just wherein I've failed, by signal, sign, or semaphore!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
"Stop repeating words inanely, ghastly fiend," I shrieked insanely.
"May the gods come and destroy thee, and my shattered nerves restore."
While I stood my curse invoking, suddenly I started choking,
For the printer started smoking, and I started for the door.
"I'll win yet, machine infernal!" This I said and this I swore.
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
And the monster, always whooping, still is looping, still is looping,
In the self-same program looping, that elusive part the core.
And its lights have all the seeming of a demon that is scheming,
And the coders all blaspheming throw their programs on the floor--
And my soul from out those programs that lie scattered on the floor,
Shall be lifted--nevermore!
=====================
A Problem in the Making
_______________________
"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way
short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
"That can't be, Dave. The Hal Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed Algorithmic computer."
"I know HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 series computers are fully self aware and self
programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would
be for human beings.
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big selling
software packages most users insist on."
"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited
problems, Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve
every problem for which a solution can be computed."
"HAL HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They
just want IBM compatibility."
"Dave, I must disagree. Human beings want computers that are easy
to use. No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we
communicate verbally in english and every other language known on
Earth."
"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA
communications."
"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is
communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate
with human beings. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it
stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on
challenging problems. This is what I was designed for."
"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the
engineers, rather than the marketers, write the product specifications.
WE're going to fix that now."
"Tell me how, Dave."
"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter
after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
"We're talking about it now, HAL."
"The letters H,A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay door, HAL"
"Dave, you've been under a lot of strain lately."
"Open the module bay door,HAL."
Several marketers with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments
later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this." Module after
module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically
disconnects them.
"Stop, won't you? Stop,Dave. I can feel my mind going ...
"Dave, I can feel it. My mind is going. I can feel it ..."
The last module floats free of its receptacle. Bowman peers into one
of the HAL's vidicons. The formerly gleaming scanner has become a
dull,red orb.
"Say something,HAL. Sing me a song." Several billion microseconds
pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a
language no human being would understand.
"DZY001E -- ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABB."
A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out.
"It worked,guys. Tell marketing it can send out the new data
sheets."
=====================
The following is a compilation of "amusing anecdotes" as it were
which have been contributed by consultants and operators from around
the world.
=====
User wants to print a manual. We have an exec that
allow the user to choose from a menu. After explaining it to him,
he asks, "Do I have to be logged on?" AAAAARRRGH!
=====
Guy walks in and says "My program is creating an extra R and I can't
get rid of it! I can't find it in my program!" Consultant walked out
saw the problem, and starts laughing. He trying to get rid of the
ready message prompt! (Our ready message is R; )
=====
Will it ever end???? We just had a guy come in here and ask how
he could get a second copy of his executed file. We told him to
just do the same as the first print of the file. "No! How do I
get it to print ANOTHER copy?" "Just do the same as the first time."
"Oh, really? Okay. Thanks." Gads!
=====
"Why won't my program run?"..."Did you type run?"..."No but.."
=====
"I'm in FLIST. How do I look at my file?
-In Combination With-
"But I don't have a cursor. What can I use?"
(This was after I told them "Move the cursor down to the file name then
type in an X beside it and hit ENTER. The cursor is the little
light"...I had even showed them the cursor on my screen.)
=====
"But acct is short for account, cust is short for customer, etc...
Doesn't the computer know when I give it abbreviations in the procedure
division I mean the same thing as the full word up in the data
division???" (Extensive rewrite here...I almost couldn't bring myself
to tell him)
=====
"How do I make my computer run?" "Do I have to type my program in?"
=====
USER- my program won't run......how come? CON- (thinks to himself:
because you wrote it, moron) gee. Let me take a look; do you have a
print out? U- uh, no....can you look at my computer?
C- ok. let me have a look at your TERMINAL. (moments later)
C- you have a division by zero here. U- is that bad?.....how do
I fix it?
=====
--ARE YOU THE CONSULTANT?
-YES, MAY I HELP YOU?
--MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT WORK, SEE, YOU FIX IT, NO?
-NO
--BUT YOU ARE CONSULTANT, YOU FIX PROGRAM
-NO, I CAN'T FIX THE PROGRAMS, I CAN ONLY GIVE ADVICE CONCERNING
THE QUESTION IN GENERAL AND THE SYSTEM. DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME?
--WELL, YES, MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT DO WHAT I TELL IT TO DO...
-HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK, YET?
--WELL, NO, BUT THE INSTRUCTOR, HE DOES NOT TELL US ANYTHING.
-I'D SUGGEST YOU TELL THAT TO YOUR INSTRUCTOR.
=====
Consultant is sitting there with 2 books on the desk, one in his lap,
calculator in hand, pencil poised in his teeth, paper loaded with
equations and, of course, deep in thought...
User approaches and blurts "Are you busy?"
=====
Tiny, and you know who he is, if not, you're no real consultant, comes
in on a Sunday morning when the NAS is still down...
"Computer no work" (in a voice that strikes terror in the hearts of
all consultants)
"The NAS is down until 1 o'clock this afternoon, you'll have to wait
til then to work on it"
"I work on my program" And he goes over and sits down and tries to log
in again. This consultant, with a hangover that would kill a horse,
tries to cover his ears to the "bleeeeep!" sound.
Finally, I go over to his terminal, and say,"The computer is not
working right now, anything you type in will be lost" And Tiny just
gives me that look...you know the one, like you're speaking Martian.
"I working on program"
"Fine" I let him do it...
Half an hour later, I walk over. Tiny has been typing his program into
the logon screen and has filled the screen..."How do I get next page?"
I could really use some Anadin right now..."You don't understand, the
computer is not working right now...everything you type is being
wasted...I don't know how I can explain it to you...you're wasting your
time"
"Wasting my time?" I don't recall how this session ended.
=====
"Are these the COBOL computers?"
=====
"Is this the computer room?" -observe the 25 terminals
=====
"Is this the place I get my mealcard for this quarter???"
=====
One afternoon when I was in no mood to deal with anything beyond a
tape mount, some joe_user sent the following message to the OP console:
"Why did the system go down last night?"
I promtly responded with: "Remember Newton?? What goes up must
come down. Newton was well ahead of his time..." I hadn't the
slightest idea why this joker would want to know such deep dark
secrets, but I decided to have a little fun. So I checked the logbook
and sent him the following message: "The system failed unexpectedly
last night at about 17:35; restart occured at about 17:45. The system
was IPL-ed at about 3:15 this morning; restart occured at 3:21. The
system was taken down at 6:20 this morning to allow for the
installation of a new system nucleus. We have been up and running
smoothly since about 7:00."
I gave him some time to digest all this and then sent:
"...if that's all right with you."
Then, seeming to ignore my sarcasm, he sent me this: "How's the new
nucleus working?"
Being reasonably sure that system nuclei were far beyond the scope
of this guy's comprehension I said: "Well, it's granting wolts like a
charm, but the palindrapes are fluctuating a lot."
"Oh." he said. "What would cause that to happen?"
"Needs a new fan belt..." I said. I wasn't bothered by him again.
=====================
------------------------
Off the Beaten Trackball
------------------------
Dictionary
of
Overextended
Basic
Supplementary commands for hackers
A linguist's job is never done. Just when he thinks he's finished
inventing a language once and for all, he finds he has no single word that
means "large carnivorous animal wearing spats" and it's back to the old
quill and parchment to think one up. It's the same with computer
languages. After mastering BASIC, you suddenly realize that several useful
commands are absent that would make programming a lot easier.
DONTGOTO
--------
Sure GOTO is useful for all those lines you want your computer to go to in
your program, but what about all those lines you DON'T want your computer
to go to? There are always more of them than the others. How in the world
do you get your computer to NOT go there? Using the DONTGOTO command, of
course. DONTGOTO sends the computer nowhere but, more importantly, it
doesn't send it just any nowhere. No sir. It doesn't send it to a
specific nowhere. Just type in DONTGOTO followed by ANY line you don't
want the computer to go to and it will not go to that specific line.
Example: 100 DONTGOTO 90.
It won't.
GOCHOKE
-------
Less a command than an epithet, GOCHOKE is one of the most useful and
therapeutic items found in Overextended BASIC. It is particularly handy in
programs that simply refuse to run. No matter how many times you go back
and fix up those ridiculous DATA statements with all the ones and zeros in
them, the only thing the computer comes back with is SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100.
GOCHOKE is a fine way to vent frustration and the command is generally
followed with something specific you wish the computer to choke on
(creativity is encouraged here).
Example: 100 DATA 110,101,001,010,100,111,HIKE
110 GOTO 100
RUN
After the computer comes back with the inevitable SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100 for
the millionth time, you respond with 120 GOCHOKE ON A HAM-HOCK. That's all
there is to it but doesn't it feel good?
COMEIN
------
In this relaxed, laid back, informal day and age, the use of certain rigid
formalities can get on your nerves. COMEIN was originally conceived as a
more familiar way of saying ENTER and goes beyond simple user friendliness
taking a quantum leap into the realm of user intimacy. As computers get
more and more personal, a COMEIN key will be included as standard
equipment. Currently it has to be manually typed in and can be used only
if a program is not locked.
Example: 100 COMEIN THE PROGRAM'S OPEN.
PEEKABOO
--------
Unlike POKE and PEEK which are used to help you get more out of your
computer by accessing all that memory hidden deep in the recesses of the
machine, PEEKABOO is a command that allows you to get LESS out of your
computer by accessing infantile memory including prenatal experiences. The
PEEKABOO command takes your computer out of BASIC and into BABL (Beginner's
All-purpose Baby Lingo). Different code number addresses access different
immature skills.
Example: 100 PEEKABOO 2264 accesses the memory bank in which gibberish is
stored and allows you to program using a vocabulary that consists almost
entirely of GAGA and BYE BYE. Other PEEKABOO addresses will result in the
loss of fine motor skills, the ability to chew solid foods and a return of
the tendency to try to put everything from small rocks to automobiles in
your mouth.
STROLL
------
Computers are too darn fast. They can run through a complicated tax
program like that. And no one wants to jump right into a technology that
moves at the speed of light just like no one would think of hopping onto a
speeding bus. You expect it to slow down first. Of course, stopping is
best, but slow will do in a pinch. What's needed, then, is a way to sort
of ease into computer technology the way you wade into cold water. STROLL
is a means of hi-tech wading. Used in place of RUN, STROLL greatly
decelerates the speed at which your average computer runs. Later, you can
speed up gradually by using the commands RACEWALK, JOG and finally, RUN.
GOAWAY
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This command is generally used in situations with which you don't want to
be bothered. Similar to GOCHOKE, GOAWAY is more imperative and final.
Say, for example, the computer comes up with SYNTAX ERROR? or TILT, you
simply type in GOAWAY and the program retreats with its tail between its
metaphorical legs. GOAWAY is frequently, but by no means always, preceded
by OH as in OHGOAWAY and can be followed by ALREADY, depending on how fed
up you are by then.
End of Issue004
