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Null Issue 02
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[ null - issue number two, september circa 1996 ]
[ editors - myrddin (gerritt) aka " the mighty gerrakis " and krieg (chris) ]
[ music - hmm for this one, listen to weezer's first cd, the whole damn thing ]
[ " in every genius there is a tincture of madness " - aristotle (smart guy) ]
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disclaimer ::
null magazine is NOT to be read or understood by the following : fruit bats,
large home appliances, the letter q, odly colored vegetables, orangutans, any
carnivorus utilties of destruction and/or utilities of the bathroom, blinking
green lights, stop watches, small women and old children, the lost boys (only
applicable if not in the fatherly hand of peter pan), socks with faces, govt
approved cheese, copper nickels, law students, the coroner and racist camels.
any of those partys reading this magazine may not receive health benefits not
granted to anyone else or anyone in the first place. void within ten seconds.
no drugs other than caffine and chocolalte are used in the production of null
electronic magazine. all articles are/were written between 1:00am-5:00am.
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null.ruiz (awesome editorial!!, whoot!) the mighty gerrakis
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IF YOU TAKE ANY OF AS SERIOUS AND EDUCATED WRITING YOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL CIRCUS
MIDGET INFECTED WITH ELEPHANTITUS AND SHOULD CONSIDER GETTING A SENSE OF HUMOR
YAY, WOOHOO!!! HAHAHAHAH!! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, WEEEE, ZOOPERS @#$@$ HAAHA!!!
i duno, i guess you could say im a bit happy to be releasing another issue of
NULL!!! YAA!!!! hrm, anyway.. this issue rules, we got a lot of stupid stuff
that is realy loony, and we want you to read it. uhm, please read it, i mean
its not exactly homer or eucladies but we try our best. hmm, umm, duh, i lub
typing my thoughts, hmm, uhhh.
myrddin = the mighty gerrakis aka tmg
i quit epos and reverted back to myrddin, cause thats who ive been for the
past 4 years and i think i should stay that way. hmm, epos sucked anyway, it
was to serious. i figure, if your going to do something on the internet, do
it halfass and make it completely rediculous, school is for serious stuff.
krieg wont be writing anything this issue so its kinda small, bout half the
size it usually is, next issue he will have some stuff ready.
not only am i happy about being back with null for the next 500+ issues, but
i just LOVE ignoring everything i normally would pay attention to, stuff like
grammar/punctuation/spelling, you know, bullshit. woohoo!!
im a lunatic and im o.k., i milk cows all night, amd i sleep all day.
im a lunatic and im o.k. i wear tight shoes and my hat is made of clay!
i think its a lot more fun to read stuff maniac psychotics write, i just lub
it to death, lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala laaaaaaaa luuuuuu lloooooo.
right, on to the awesome articles which include some smashing writing by none
other than the notorius sheep, myrddin (aka the mighty gerrakis!!)
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null.ruiz (scoooby doooo!!) the mighty gerrakis
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scooby dooby doo, where are you
ahh, the familiar theme song for the wonderous, amazing, creative, colorful
awe inspiring, genius, SCOOBY DOO!! all HAIL!!
damn this show rocks, its got all kinds of awesome words, like jinkies, golly
far out and groovy. then its got scooby doo, the most awesome dog that ever
lived, his nephew, scrappy is pretty cool as well, but not as cool as scoob.
and what about shaggy, he rocks, stoned half the time he's always the first
to start seeing things (along with scooby, who is always paired up with him).
the other three are stupid, they are usually only in the cartoon for about 10
minutes total out of the entire 30, they suck.
some day, im gonna buy a dog that looks just like scooby, and name him scooby
then ill go visit abandoned houses whenever my vw bus breaks down in the rain
on a dark and stormy night.
what fun we will have! me and him can walk around looking for the kitchen and
in the process run into a ghost, lizardman, slime beast, or ogre or something
that will be awesome.
when its all over we will capture the villan with a trap on accident, remove
his mask and find out it was the ferry captain driftwood jack! oh, what fun!
someday, oh yes, someday
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null.ruiz (kriegs and my awesome rocket) the mighty gerrakis
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this one has neat punctuation and stuff cause i wrote it for my old zine that
i never realeased, i promise it wont happen ever again! here ya go :
I was over at Krieg's house yesterday, and we got really bored. He just
happened to have a couple c5-3 model rockets along with a nifty home built
igniter. So we decided to construct a neat little rocket. We took a 4 foot
pvc pipe bout an inch and a half in diameter, some tape, cardboard, wadding
and a razor blade and put a rocket together.
We cut a slit about 6 inches from the bottom of the pipe and slid the
razor in the little slit, this would prevent the engine from just shooting
out of the end of the pipe. Then we wrapped the engine with tape in a
twisted fashion so the engine would just barely fit into the pipe. We shoved
the engine in up to the razor and taped the end shut, leaving just enough
space for the fuse to go in. Then we setup a nice little rudder formation
towards the end of the pipe with the cardboard. We drove out to a dead end
road bout a half mile north of his house in an open field.
It worked! woohoo! Although it didn't quite get as airborne as we had
hoped, only about 7 feet off the ground and it traveled about 30 feet. But
considering the ratio of torque to mass it wen't pretty far. The rudder
system didn't work either :( it spun around and almost started back at us
but the engine died out.
We will be trying in a couple days another run of our new model, the
GCmodelB.
The GCmodelB will consist of a 2 foot pvc pipe with a d5-5 engine which
is 2x as powerful and burns 2x longer than the c5-3 engine. We will also
be constructing a more complex rudder system. Look for info on that test
run in the next issue or maybe the one after that, either way we should
have pictures on the null page when I make it.
Also in the works is a rocket launcher, a 7inch diameter 4 foot long
pvc launcher with shoulder rest and hand activator that will fire a 4in diam
rocket most likely of the model GCmodelB.
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null.ruiz (bando boy and muglug the sliggy) the mighty gerrakis
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i enjoyed walks on the side of mount sloggomundus when i was a snot eating
monkey dog. i still remeber as a boy flinging rubber bands into the red
sea, eating drawer mirrors and singing about mellons and ogres wives. the
days pass like fireflies, eating monkey brains from a fogwotians backbone
chamber. seranading cows with milk bottes of ovaltine was a pastlime of my
friendo's, he ran races agains the bando boy and muglug the sliggy. bando
boy was a rubber band with furry eyes and black elbows of corn, muglug was
different, he crawled on his teeth and blew nuggets from his ears, i remeber
him most of all. his father ran the yellow brick road as well, singing of
ancient lore and toothpaste. his car was of jelly and his feet were gold
baloons filled with rootbeer. bando boy was a drinker, he could drink an
entire flogwig brew without falling down on the cow pastures of antioch. All
of them were my friendo's and they all are lying on ogre tusk beds of clay
now, goodnight.
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null.ruiz (definition of ruiz) the mighty gerrakis
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ruiz : (v)(roo-izz) 'a :: the act of ruling to the extent of that of the one
named ruiz. i.e : " DAMN THIS RUIZ " - would mean this (being the noun
of the sentence) rules so much more than normal, it equals the ruling
power of the one named ruiz. (n) a kid in kriegs class that shouts out
every day " DID YOU BRING MY DOOM DISKS CHRIS? " embarrasing krieg.
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null.ruiz (flinstone vitamins rule) the mighty gerrakis
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flinstone vitamins rule (fUNKDiFiED)
yeah thats right yos
comin at ja with muh homiez from n1n3 tuh s1X
uh, yeah, uh, yeah
i aint gunna front, i gotz ta be blunt
eatcha vitaminz and youll grow up to be strong
wit wilma, barney, fred and dino
da babiez of da house pebbles and bambam
but what, no betty you must be dissin
dat phat ho cant be missin
get some boyz from south central
take care uv dat, mess up dat company
cause dey aint phat
leavin betty out is crossin da line
check da pretty colorz, they dope as sheeit
redz, bluez, and yellowz dats it
i end dis rap cause you know what yew should dew
go down to the quick-e mart and get some
FLiNstONE VitAMiNs!! YEAh!! thEY ROCK!!! MUhAhAhAhAhAhh, i have spoken.
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null.ruiz (robots are cool) the mighty gerrakis
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theyre awesome, when i was a kid i always hoped i could get a robot that would
do all my chores and stuff and bring me food and toys. that would have rocked
_____
<__oO_> <-- robot!! hovers and stuff so its fast, and its gots lots of
>--| c-m |--< neat buttons and nobs on it to do stuff. and its eyes are
| c-m | really lasers in case i run into any bullies on the way to
\_____/ school. it also helps me with my homework and stuff, i
======= would always get straight a's, weee!
ahh, oh well, until then. i sure hope they dont replace my skateboard with
one of those hoverboards from back to the future, that would suck, you wont
be able to do any tricks or anything, but its prolly a lot faster, hmm
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null.ruiz (peasant from (mp&thg) the monty python crew
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this is a section from monty python and the holy grail, it rules, read now
Arthur: Old Woman!
The peasant turns around, revealing that he is in fact a man.
Man: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry.... What knight lives in that castle over there?
Man: I'm thirty-seven!
Arthur: (suprised) What?
Man: I'm thirty-seven! I'm not old--
Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man"...
Man: Well you could say "Dennis"--
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis!
Man: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?!
Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind, you looked--
Man: Well I object to your...you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Arthur: Well I *am* king...
Man: Oh, king, eh, very nice. And 'ow'd you get that, eh?
(he reaches his destination and stops, dropping the cart)
By exploiting the workers! By 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
If there's ever going to be any progress,--
Woman: Dennis! There's some lovely filth down 'ere!
(noticing Arthur) Oh! 'Ow'd'ja do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose
castle is that?
Woman: King of the 'oo?
Arthur: King of the Britons.
Woman: 'Oo are the Britons?
Arthur: Well we all are! We are all Britons! And I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we 'ad a king! I thought we were autonomous collective.
Man: (mad) You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
Woman: There you go, bringing class into it again...
Man: That's what it's all about! If only people would--
Arthur: Please, *please*, good people, I am in haste! WHO lives in that
castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord!
Arthur: (spurised) What??
Man: I *told* you! We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We're taking
turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week--
Arthur: (uninterested) Yes...
Man: But all the decisions *of* that officer 'ave to be ratified at a
special bi-weekly meeting--
Arthur: (perturbed) Yes I see!
Man: By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs--
Arthur: (mad) Be quiet!
Man: But by a two-thirds majority, in the case of more major--
Arthur: (very angry) BE QUIET! I *order* you to be quiet!
Woman: "Order", eh, 'oo does 'e think 'e is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Woman: Well 'ow'd you become king then?
(holy music up)
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake-- her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by
divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why
I am your king!
Man: (laughingly) Listen: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some... farcical
aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: (yelling) BE QUIET!
Man: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some
watery tart threw a sword at you!!
Arthur: (coming forward and grabbing the man) Shut *UP*!
Man: I mean, if I went 'round, saying I was an emperor, just because some
moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: (throwing the man around) Shut up, will you, SHUT UP!
Man: Aha! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: SHUT UP!
Man: (yelling to all the other workers) Come and see the violence inherent
in the system! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!
Arthur: (letting go and walking away) Bloody PEASANT!
Man: Oh, what a giveaway! Did'j'hear that, did'j'hear that, eh? That's
what I'm all about! Did you see 'im repressing me? You saw it,
didn't you?!
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_anything that me and chris wrote is copyright us, dont mess with it foolio!_
