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Mind Warp File 18
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[ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #7, File #018 ]
[ "Kids...They suck." by Mustaine ]
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Kids...They suck
[Mustaine/Influenza]
And I don't mean big kids by that title. I mean little kids. No, not
kids. Brats. Cause that's what they are y'know...BRATS. Little idiotic,
smelly, grungy, whiny, full of boogers, smartassed, evil heathen who were
spawned out of an act that SHOULD have required a condom.
Let me start over. I, MuSTaiNe, the guy who hates PaNTeRa, loves girls,
hates school, and is alwayz in need of money....yeah folks...it's REALLY me
again...am gonna tell you a little teeny story about a really bad week at
work. And I mean bad. So bad that if another little snotty kid ever gets
so much as a mile near me again I am gonna maime IT sooooo bad that the word
puzzle will have a new meaning. ( I obviously had a lousy WEEK at work if
none of you have figured it out yet... )
The sad part is, this week's not over for me yet. When I'm done writing
this, I will go back to sleep, get up in the morning, shower, and go back to
WORK. I will have to deal with 3-9 year old asswipes who worship the Mighty
Morphin Power Rangers...and Beavis and Butthead. But anyway, I digress
three paragraphs too many....
It all started calmly enough...get to work at 8, wait around till 8:30
when all the campers arrive, and check the roster to see how many kids are
coming that day for camp. Easy right? WRONG. I check the roster. 45
fucking rugrats. 45!!!! More good news. Two instructors call in sick. That
leaves me.....and then some girl who just started work today...and PoRNLo, my
darling little hyper-assed brutha. Happy Happy Joy Joy. 3 Instructors, 45
kids. This definitly sucks.
Gymnastics camp is bad enough with all day physical activites, in 90
degree weather, with braindead children...without having to deal with two
instructors. But that, as they say...is life. And MINE FUCKING SUCKED.
So first event comes for the kids. Good, they're not bored yet...they
just feel the tension of an instructor overwhelmed by so many ugly looking,
foul-smelling little keebler-ites. Enter a 5 year old. Pick ANY 5 year old.
In this case, we have Tyler, the wonder dweeb. Tyler doesn't want to do first
event, so Tyler decides to kick the instructor..guess where?...in the balls.
Thanks Tyler. Instructor, now sounding like Michael Jackson, calls for help.
The two remaining instructors rush over...leaving their kids unattended. OH
SHIT.
The other two groups now running amuck, are fighting over who has the
most navel dirt in their belly-buttons. JOY. Fights ensue, and the
instructors rush to intervene. More kicks to the balls. THIS instructor WAS
NOT a happy camper. Now keep in mind, this was first event. A typical day
at a gymnastics camp usually holds 12-13 events. Woo.
I won't finish my story, it's kinda obvious what happened. All hell
broke loose, but eventually things calmed down. One kid flushed a toilet,
with another camper stuck IN that toilet. One camper ripped MY shirt, while
biting a chuck into my nipple. One camper snapped another camper's bra...OH.
GOOD one there eh? WRONG. They are 9 year olds. THEY DON'T NEED BRAS...
Anyway....
There was a point to this whole thing. Kids suck. Kill them if you see
them. I think all kids should be shot, hung, maimed, drowned, or smothered
to death. My gymnastics instructing group came up with several good ways to
accomplish this. I have compiled them into a list. Please read this list,
and if you ever run into one of my kids, KILL THEM.
SoMe WaYS To MaiMe a KiD oR 2...
1) Make nooses, and fucking hang them.
2) Take their necks...and SNAP them.
3) Leave them in the toilet..and flush a lot.
4) KICK them in the balls and see how they like it.
5) Play bungee jumpin...and cut their line.
6) Hit them with water balloons...filled with acid.
7) Don't give them water after making them run the mile.
8) Your spottin' them right? DROP THEM.
9) Pull that Mighty Morphin Power shit kicks on them...
(I figure why the hell not, it hurts when THEY do it...)
10) Beat the living shit out of them with a broom.
11) Fill their confiscated Super Soaker with Clorox...and shoot them.
12) Let them play sword fights...with real bats..no padding.
13) Play Vanilla Ice all day long for them.
14) Play Milli Vanilli all day long for them.
15) Hit them with your car.
16) Give them one of your M-80's that you just bought in South Carolina..
..and shove it down their pants.
17) Push the vending machines down on them.
18) Lock them in the bathrooms.
19) Scream into the microphone with the little snots GLUED to the
speakers.
20) Drop large blunt objects on their sexual reproductive organs.
Wow...I think I'm done. Later d00dz. Just remember the kewl part
of this story..I get to go back tommorrow for more.
MuSstaine / iNFLueNZa iNC. / 1994
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