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Mind Warp File 60
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[ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #05, File #060 ]
[ "Adventures in the Potty" by Mustaine ]
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Adventures in the Potty
[Copyright (c) 1994-1995 Mustaine]
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Imagine poor Joe Schmoe. Joe is a high school graduate, going through
that famed summer before college starts. He is a normal Schmoe, working all
day to get money for college, massively in love with his girlfriend, and
very tired after teaching summer camp all day. Anyways, around sometime in
July, in the year 1994, Joe Schmoe has an unprecedented...adventure in the
potty! Want details? Read on.
So like Joe gets home after 4:00. Joe is midly fatigued, slightly
irritated, and if Joe was a female...we could have said PMS had set in.
Work was hell, little snots were pulling at him all day from the summer
camp where he worked, and all he wanted to do was go home, go to the potty,
and get a nap before calling his esteemed girlfriend in hopes of a date
later that evening.
Does Joe get his wish? Yeah right...and life is simple. Anyways, Joe
gets home, as previously stated, and runs upstairs to the bathroom. No
problem there right? Are you following me? <Nod yes...> Ok, so Joe gets
to the bathroom and takes off his drawers. Why? <So, um...what's he gonna
do, pee THROUGH his pants???> He then proceeds to sit down. On a wet seat.
Ewwwwww. Ok, so someone forgot to wipe the seat off. Natural occurence in
a family of three men, two women. Pee on the legs. Joe massively freaks
out and jumps up taking wads of toilet paper to wash of the "affected" area.
Joe then wipes off the seat. Whew.
So poor Joe sits down, on a now dry seat to drop his...uh..well you
know. Anyways, little brother of Joe...the imbecilic one..has decided to
play a horrible prank on the next user of the commode. Unbeknowenst to Joe,
but knowenst to brother of Joe, clear plastic Saran wrap has been stretched
tightly across the seat in between the water part, and the seat part.
So Joe dumps...and it goes...NOWHERE. Ewwwwww.
Ok, so Joe's doo doo goes nowhere. Once again Joe jumps up, half in the
middle of trying to doo doo, and takes wads of paper breaking the wrap, and
dropping some doo doo. Joy. Joe then sits back down, after screaming
profanity and promises of castration the the offender..and proceeds his..uh
doo-doo'in. Yeah, that sounds good. Ok, so Joe is done with the doo doo.
Simple right? WRONG.
Joe reaches for toilet paper. Of course, Joe is out of toilet paper
after using it all on his little sibling's malicious pranks. Crap. Joe
now rises, with drawers around his ankles, and opens the door to leave and
find some toilet paper in the closet in the next room. Enter Kitty.
Kitty has an affection for Joe's...uh...third...dangling...leg. Proceed with
running around the small room with Kitty playing tug of war. Joe then has
an unfortunate accident, tripping over his drawers (which are still down to
his ankles) and falling on Kitty..who is still attached to Joe. Ouch.
Let's take a break for a few seconds while Joe finds a bandaid. As for
Kitty, let's just say that cats are only rumored to have 9 lives. Joe then
limps his way to a closet, searching frantically for toilet paper. Finding
some on the top shelf, Joe makes an attempt to grab himself some wipes.
However, as Joe tugs the package of toilet paper, soap falls down from on
top of the package and hits him on the head. And I don't mean the head that
has his brians.
Let me take a moment to explain. Brother of Schmoe....who was in charge
of putting away the toiletry and hygene products on grocery day, decided to
throw the soap up to the top shelf in futile hope that Mother of Schmoe
wouldn't make him use it in his monthly bath. Of course, we know what
ultimately happened to the soap, but to this day, brother of Schmoe has been
emotionaly disturbed after finding that his soap was missing. Convinced of
some extraterrestial plot to steal soap, brother of Schmoe has since ran
away to a monestary in Tibet. Back to Joe...
Joe has since found his toilet paper, and has now returned to the
toilet. Joe is now able to cleanse himself, and proceeds to wad up more
paper and throw it into the toilet. Now the ritualistic flush is to occur.
Well, maybe not. You see, Joe has overlooked the tiny fact that a toilet
has problems flushing when there is fifteen pounds of paper and waste in the
recepticle. Hence comes an overflow of...stuff?? Joe looks around hastily
for his trusty plunger. But it's not there. Instead, a note is found where
the plunger is usually held, reading:
To Whom it May Concern,
I Brother of Schmoe do regretfully confess that the plunger who
usually finds its home and steady employment of sewage suckage has
taken a leave of absence to help me with my science project at
day camp. It will be returned in a few days. Problems, comments???
Send all complaints to my camp counselor who made me clean up the mess
I made with my cherry bomb...er...uh science experiment.
Yours truely,
Brother of Schmoe.
Poor Joe...no plunger. Oh well. Joe now runs frantically about the
room looking for something to unclog the toilet. Unfortuantely, all he can
find is an old bag of Doritos and some tweezers. That had to do seeing how
the stuff was now creating a steady stream down the hall. Using a flash of
ingenuity, Joe places his hand in the Dorito bag, and uses the tweezers to
unclog the toilet. Joe has saved the day.
Whew...it's all over right? WRONG. Joe now yanks up his pants, and
hastily zippers his zipper. Ewww. Poor Joe...as if he hadn't gotten stuck
with enough problems today. Now he had a stuck problem...in his zipper.
<Use your imagination her folks.> Needless to say, that took a minute or
two to get out of. Now, the story should end here...and indeed it does, in
terms of Joe's adventure to the potty. However, later that evening Joe
had another...brief adventure that simply must be told. Read on for more.
Ok, so skip ahead a few hours. Joe Schmoe is now in the kitchen,
quietly recovering from his most recent...adventures. He has made plans
with his girlfriend for a late dinner, and is trying in vain to relax for
the evening. On the table of the kitchen is an array of doughnuts that poor
Joe assumes have been made by his mother for family consumption. Wrong.
Unbeknownst to Joe, but knowesnt to us, these doughnuts are a special
experiment by brother of Joe for his ederly grandmother. Brother of Joe
had taken a popular chocolate laxative, and microwave melted a chocolate
shell over some homemade doughnuts. Needles to say, our poor shmuck Joe
eats one of the doughnuts...and runs up to the family bathroom.
What happened next irrevicably changed Joe's life forever...but that
as we say..is another story...and another adventure...in the POTTY. Maybe
someday Joe will publish the story...but until then..I think we can wait.
THE END....or is it??
*** Next issue...Scuba Diving in the Bathroom 101: Joe's Revenge ***
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