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M00se Droppings Issue 37
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #37| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Jan 27, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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************************************* STAFF ************************************
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Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
IF you've written your letter home already,
AND your younger brother is going out in the company of
another boy this weekend,
But you're NOT getting a haircut,
THEN move your clothes to the lower peg. Simple, no? :)
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Hi there!
Happy New Decade, and all that rot!
Sorry this is late in getting out, but I've been busy with the first
week of classes. (I know, some of you have been in school for 3 weeks, but do
you know what I have to say about that? PPPPPPHHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT!!!!!
You should have gone to Buffalo! ;^)
Not much else to say, here.
Enjoy! Welcome back! And send in submissions! :)
-Pat/DangerM00se
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Bl00p!
Hello to all my fellow members..
Thought I'd write and tell you all how fnording happy I am to be a member!
Oh yes, I have some questions for all you m00ses out there.
Wh0 should I consider asking to become a m00se?
Need they be M00sy, or is lunacy a adequate substitute?
I only ask because I am wondering about several people I know..
I also wonder (for security reasons) about asking others, who might not be as
sympathetic to M00se ideals..I myself am completely in agreement with M00se
ideas, ideals, morals, and other such nonsensical items. I think. Well, maybe.
Does it really matter? Does anything really matter? Why are we here? What's
it all about? Is the meaning of life really 42?
Can any M00ses out there help me? I am lost in the infinite m00se space.
So you see, I really am lost. What do I do?
Can anyone help?! If so, please send a check or money order to me,
to:
The Hungarian M00se
Box W1198 Wheaton College
Norton, MA. 02766
Please try to help, send whatever you can..
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I wish to address in this text a certain matter that came up in a Relay
conversation with a fellow M00se one very early, groggy morning. Perhaps,
spake he, we would be able to further the interests of the M00se Illuminati by
appointing Honorary Membership. In a sudden rush of eager interest and
adrenalin that toppled my late-late nightcap of Dr. Pepper and Vivarin from its
resting place atop my stereo, I quickly tapped out a reply on my ages-old
keyboard and volunteered to take up the job. It would certainly merit some
amount of feverish effort, as there must be quite a few people who exist who
deserve recognition for M00seworthy accomplishments, we agreed.
And so, Brethren of the M00se Illuminati, I come to you. Perhaps you know of
someone, celebrity or not, from the media, music industry, literary circle,
lunchtime crowd, silver screen, family tree, etc. etc. who you feel deserves to
be awarded a title of Honorary M00sedom for Exemplary Behaviour or Achievements
Characteristic of the Ideals and Interests of the M00se Illuminati.
Garry Trudeau. Max Headroom. Frank Zappa. Mr. Rogers. Mojo Nixon. Uncle
Lewis. Anybody.
Send ye the name of any ONE proposed Honorary M00se to me, Ice Lord, care of
DICRESCE@CTSTATEU, with the reason or m00selike-contribution to their field of
speciality you attribute to this M00se-to-be, and maybe a line or two of
healthy eulogism, and I shall compile a list of the Honorary M00ses to present
in an upcoming edition of M00se Droppings.
<bl00p>
Ice Lord
DICRESCE@CTSTATEU
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Hello everybody. Contrary to what some people say ("The decade doesn't change
until '91, nyah nyah!"), the Nineties are here. And it's going to have to be
the Decade of Something. It could be the Cyberpunk Decade; it could be the
Kinder, Gentler Decade. Or, heaven help us all, it could be the Decade of the
Martin.
I have an idea. An idea that's been oozing around in my brain for a while now.
I'd like to know what you think.
Let's make this the Decade of the M00se.
Really. I mean it. Let's make the M00se Illuminati a real, legitimate
organization with official records, membership lists, etc. No dues yet, unless
maybe we assign an initial cost to begin membership, to cover the cost of ID
cards or something like that.
Most importantly, though, a Snail Mail newsletter -- something akin to M00se
Droppings (but not replacing it, or the fine alternative publication M00se
Drool), but printed on -paper- and mailed directly to your own home via third-
class bulk mail permits.
Who knows? What could we have in the future? A lobbyist in Washington?
Voting power? CIA spies in our midst? M00se Illuminati agents in the CIA?
This would most definitely outdo the Martins for good. The Martins, by the
way, declared themselves the victors in the M00se/Martin War of a year or so
ago through an amendment in their constitution. Let's prove them wrong.
What I want is any ideas you can think of about this proposal -- whether or not
it's a good idea at all, how much you think you'd be willing to pay for initial
membership and/or the newsletter, ideas to name the newsletter, and so on. I'd
also like some information -- how many m00ses are you aware of at your
university (or just around somewhere) who do *not* have Bitnet access, but who
would be interested in the ideas I've mentioned? I'm trying to get some idea
of how big we *really* are.
Please mail said comments directly to me (Pickle) at DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET.
And let's make this decade one they won't be able to talk about without
picturing antlers.
Pickle
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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Greetings,
I just got as a present for the holidays a Air Brush. SalmonM00se and
I have been working out a M00se T-shirt so if we come up with something I'll
let you know. (That is of course if you are interested :-)
Adieu
- Goblin
BTW: About a MTAT How about holding it in May and having it at a State Forest?
(Or perhaps in even warmer weather later in May)
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We now have a NEW person in the sacred position of Royal Keeper of the
List. Her real name is Jenine Pittenger, and she's a brand new (official) m00se!
You can see her address and stuff in the masthead (The part at the top of the
newsletter that you all skip over every time because you think you've read it
before, so you don't notice that I change it every time. ;^) )
She is taking over for Darkling/I-Man Negus M00se, who succumbed to the
urge to go out and earn money. (Geez! The thing some people will do just to EAT
these days! I don't know.....)
Please direct all future list changes to her.
Welcome aboard, Jenine! :)
-Pat
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I finally got my Mom an account! :) She's going to be getting M.D. on a
regular basis, now! (Gee, think we should...uh...y'know...tone it down a bit?)
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :)
Her name is Emilie Manning, and her account is CHILDS@OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU
and she LOOOOOOVES to get mail! (That's a hint! :) See, she's just learning how
to use the system, and I think she needs to be swamped with new mail/friends!)
So send her something. Say hi! Ask her what it's like to be the mother
of DangerM00se/Patrick G. Salsbury (Super Genius)! Blame HER for me being the
way I am! ;^)
-Pat
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I think the M00se List at UMNEWS consumed itself. What say we get a
Listserv set up, and get a PROPER m00se discussion set up? Or a M00se discussion
group on the NEWS system in UNIX? (We just got that installed here at UB, it's
NICE! We could link the listserv and the NEWSgroup, so if you weren't able to
access NEWS, you could still participate easily.
What say?
-Pat
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Yo dude, and bl00pski....
I seem to recall in a not so distant issue of M00se Dr0ppings, that
someone mentioned the pandemonium of getting a rubber stamp together
that said something to the effect of:
THIS BILL HAS BEEN RECLAIMED BY THE U.S.
TREASURY DEPT. FOR DESTRUCTION. DO NOT
HONOR. IT IS NO LONGER LEGAL TENDER.
And then going around stamping all the $$$ we could lay our hands on.
Feeding $1 bills into change machines, and then getting more bills for
the change, stamping them, and feeding them in, ad infinitum. Well,
one of the questions raised was "Where can we get them?" My fellow
m00ses, that question has been answered. I now work for the Cole Key
Company, in the Maine Mall, in South Portland. One of my jobs is key
carving, and another is the fashioning of rubber stamps. Right there
in the store. I've already made a template, and I'm going to cook my
first prototype soon. If successful, I will gladly make copies for
any and all m00ses interested in this wonderfully heinous mischief.
However, I will have to charge the base price for the stamp and the
mounting, which is $5 + tax, and there will be some postage involved
too. But that is so little, compared to the amount of chaos we can
cause, don'tcha think??? Please forward any and all requests to me,
Mitya the Red M00se, and please include a mailing address. I will
acknowledge, and request payment sent first, since I have to pay for
them when I make them. Fair 'nuf? Good. Happy government toppling to
everyone, and bl00pski!!!!
Mitya the Red M00se,
IP85033@PORTLAND.BITNET
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I just purchased a copy of "The Illuminati Papers" by Robert Anton
Wilson. It's GREAT! I'll be posting things from it here in the future.
Also, I just got a catalog yesterday, which has two audio tapes in it by
Robert Anton Wilson. One is "Religion For The Hell Of It" and the other is "The
Acceleration Of Knowledge: The Jumping Jesus Phenomenon" I'm probably going to
get them.
They have lots of other tapes, too. Interesting stuff!
The catalog is from SoundsTrue, and if you want one, call:
1-800-835-2246 Ext. 275
-Pat
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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Stella returns.....
So Stella and I were sitting at the dining room table, having a
nice chat. That is, I was having a nice chat - she was stirring her coffee.
This was rather distracting, as she was stirring it with a live chameleon, but
I suppose it *was* the most effective method of getting the last of the arsenic
to dissolve. It likes to stay at the bottom in this slushy mass. You know
what I mean.
So I asked Stella how she managed to get down from over the mantel-
piece. She replied by quoting the Virginia Beach phone directory,
Dzierzanowska through Ellenbogen, then popping out her glass eye and tossing
it into the coffee mug. In case you're wondering, it's violet. The eye, I
mean. Her real one's olive drab,so the glass one really compliments the
color.
So anyhow, I never did find out how she got down in the short week I
was gone. I noticed that the apple was gone from her nose, though. Maybe
that had something to do with it. Since the conversation was going nowhere,
I picked up the newspaper and began to read the more credible articles to her.
There was one in particular that caught my eye...hers too, when the chameleon
tried to escape by pitching the glass eye at the paper and squirming violently.
It was very effective. The article, I mean. The chameleon ended up back in the
mug, upside-down. It didn't struggle much after that.
The article was about something that happened in my home town while I
was there on my visit. Seems that Jed Cummins was out slopping the hogs one
evening when he saw some bright lights in the sky, seeming to head for the East
Podunk Town Hall. He got on the horn to the police chief, who mildly suggested
that he lay off the corn husk cigars for a while. Jed wasn't so easily put off
though, and he jumped into his Chevy 4X4 and high-tailed it into town. Right
after he pulled up in front of the Town Hall, a huge glowing egg materialized
out of a cloudbank and settled down onto the roof of the New Podunk Theatre
(erected in 1939). When he was asked later how he reacted at that point, Jed
replied, "Wal, shoot! I ain't never gonna get them stains out'n the
upholstery."
After it came to rest, the giant egg split open and ramps extended down
to street level. Then, according to eyewitnesses (Jed and a wino in the alley
behind the theater), roughly 85,000 aliens marched out clutching blast guns
and cans of Right Guard (tm). They pointed the guns at Jed and ordered him not
to interfere, then they all sprayed the Right Guard into the air at once.
After that they trooped back into the egg and took off. According to
this newspaper (wonderful, the quality of journalism you can find at the
checkout counter!), the sudden concentrated release of fluorocarbons into the
atmosphere has ripped a huge hole in the ozone layer, which extends over much
of the eastern seaboard. As a result, anyone living here will either die of
cancer in thirty years or will mutate into higher life forms. Stella's already
a mutant, so she doesn't have to worry. As for me, I'm going to go live in
Finland and eat irradiated reindeer meat, so I'm not worried either. Got to
build up a resistance to that sort of thing.
Just to show that good things also happen in East Podunk, the other
major effect of the alien invasion is that no one in the whole county will
ever have body odor ever again. See - and cancer's not all that bad.
"I feel like a swim," Stella said after I'd finished the article.
Whereupon, she dove into the coffee mug and commenced to do the backstroke.
What a kidder. Then she climbed out, dried herself off on the curtains, and
picked her teeth with the chameleon. I really must teach that girl some
manners - imagine picking your teeth in public. Ah well.
Enjoy,
L0relei
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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From The Hungarian M00se <LGREEN@WHEATNMA>
CIVIL SERVICE EXAM
"STATE WORKER"- (ALL LEVELS)
Name:
Score:
INSTRUCTIONS:
Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct
("True" or "False") and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) in the
appropiate space at the right.
TRUE / FALSE
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. ___
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. ___
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. ___
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. ___
5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. ___
6. A "G" string is part of a violin. ___
7. Semen is another term for "sailors". ___
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". ___
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. ___
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. ___
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. ___
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas . ___
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. ___
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". ___
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. ___
16. A condom is an apartment complex. ___
17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in a
church. ___
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. ___
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. ___
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new
government officials. ___
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. ___
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. ___
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. ___
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. ___
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". ___
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. ___
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish make with cheese. ___
28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. ___
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DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW
It has recently come to my attention that rock-n-roll has filthy
lyrics dangerous to the moral developments of young Americans. E.g.:
Hush, now, b*by, b*by, don't you cry
m*ther's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
m*ther won't let anyone dirty you
m*ther's gonna keep you right here unde her wing
she won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
m*ther's gonna keep b*by healthy and clean....
That's right, even Pink Floyd contributes to the myth that humans are
viviparous animals breeding at random, and that the loftiest pinnacle of
human enlightenment, SOCIAL STRUCTURE, is founded in the mire of ....ahem,
CERTAIN unprintable biological relations, congresses, and (ahem) intercourses
between (gasp) human reproductive systems.
Obviously, concerned m00ses, it is in your best interest to see that
all references to s...e...x are removed from the Library of Congress and all
their other squalid hiding places over the globe, and BURNED! Yes, and
while we're at it we can burn a few witches!
OK, now that such rock-and-rubbish is covered, we must interdict all
DRUGS! We all know that DRUGS are bad for you and have no purposes other
converting sweet Norman ROckwell models into ravening leather-and-Spandex
swathed sexually florid bass players. Just like Geddy Lee. We know drugs
are bad. Ronald and Nancy told us so, and Ronald and Nancy would never,
ever distort the facts for their personal gain. Politicians simply don't DO
things like that in America. Politicians, policemen, and defenders of mental
and moral hygiene NEVER act to increase their privileges or tighten the grip
of the ruling minority on the common citizen at the expense of Constitutional
rights!
Note to Reagan Youth: Use Secret Decoder Rings to translate this
month/s BITNET pogrom update. Any personnel not reporting to duty with
at least one fresh human scalp and a clean armband will be shot.
Yes, we have to interdict ALL DRUGS from this fair country, and
relax with the healthy, nonviolent, sanity-conducive measures of caffeine,
alcohol, and nicotine. Except everyone over forty years of age and $50,000
of income, who are entitled to prescription sleeping pills to commit
suicide with.
LOVE IS THE LAW, LOVE UNDER WILL.
ps: All flag-burners will be summarily convicted of High Treason,
and sent to the Allentown Correctional Facility for Incineration. Anyone
who posts a message with the word ""BONG"" in it will be brainwashed and
subjected to phone-tapping, for their own protection, just as soon as we
can get the police dogs off their throats.
Patriotically Yours ---
Ubersturmfuhrer Danforth Quayle, S.S.
V126HN32@UBVMS.BITNET
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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Chapter Name : Andrew Winden
Nickname : Mathm00se
Life Form : Usually human, (very scary in the morning)
Sex : Male, but I like to have it as often as possible
Net Address : AW7383@BROCK1P Purity Quotient: __~45%
Description : Very close to humanoid, but not close enough
to have a birth certificate.
Favorite Saying: All I want is <.. anything applicable here ..>
'my alarm clock to work'
'some Kool-Aid left'
etc....
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Chapter Name : Phil DeGrandis
Nickname : StangM00se
Life Form : Definitely not human
Sex : Hopefully as soon as possible. :-)
Net Address : PD6662@BROCK1P Purity Quotient __~63
Description : Big, soft, and loud like a m00se should be.
Favorite Saying: Lets take my car --or-- I hate it when people
open their doors into my car.
bl00p BL00P BL000000P DAMMIT!
fry_m00se
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I was told by saM@UAFSYSB who at the time was on relay as Spamalope although I
believe his name is Sam Huntsman to write you concerning a new chapter of M00SE
Illuminati I wish to form. I believe I am qualified to be a member.. I have
read much of the suggested reading, seen all of Monty Python's films, and
besides that, I am willing to do almost anything to get recognized as a
chapter, including stealing, cheating, lying, murder, arson, pillage, rape (so
I'm good at lying), and all other sorts of MEAN AND NASTY VICIOUS THINGS!!!!!
So anyways, thank for your time, and if this is the wrong person to write to,
just tell me so I can search down that spamalope pouf and shoot him..
Thank you and good night.
Lyman Green Jr.
Box W1198 Wheaton College
Norton, Massachusetts
02766
Bitnet:lgreen@wheatnma
Now officially known as: The Llama on relay, and my new nick for the chapter
is The Hungarian M00se.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Will be sent along under seperate cover, as it's pretty long, and we're
getting the whole thing updated by Herschm00se the Beanmeister. :) I'll send it
along as soon as I get it.
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