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Mikes Madness Issue 06
Mikes Madness #6
And now . . .
# 54 A fable
A fable
The fox and the wolf . . .
So hanyway, this fox and this wolf were walking down Hollywood and Vine
. . . (oops! Wrong kinda fox and wolf!) . . . uh . . . were trotting through
the forest and the wolf belched. "Sorry," said the wolf apologetically,
"Musta been someone I ate." Luckily, the fox shot him just behind the
base of the skull, thereby saving us from another horrid pun like that.
Did you ever wonder why you need a highschool degree to get into the
service when all the manuals are written at a 5th grade reading level?
Can you imagine Hitler bowling? Niether can I. I'm sure bowling was a
lot of fun in Germany if you had a Panzer. "Ach! Another gotterdamerung
gutter shell! Fritz, re-load that puppy with a 55mm hollow-point. I won't
miss this time. The Stuka crews are 8 points ahead! Then again, I'm pretty
sure a 500 pound bomb doesn't leave much standing."
I can see Hitler water-skiing. But only when I'm wasted. Can you see
Hitler as a father? "ACHTUNG! You vill be cleaning your room or you're
going to bed without torturing any jews!"
UCSB: U Can Study Buzzed. Saw it on a tee-shirt.
Welp, if I haven't dug my grave deep enough with that previous Australia
quiz, here we go with one more . . .
Dear Sirs!
Why can't we have more quizes about Italians?
Signed,
The Mafia
And now for the boys down at Guido's Leg Breaker Lounge in Kent, a quiz
about Italians.
A Quiz About Italians
---------------------
1) During World War II, Hitler hoped Italy would . . .
a) be a strong member of the Axis powers
b) act as a staging area for activities in the Mediterranean
c) get stomped flat by the Allies before Germany did
2) Who fired the last 3 shots into Mussolini's body?
a) his own general cabinet leader
b) Italian partisans who saw El Duce' destroy Italy
c) 3,000 Italian sharp-shooters
3) Most Italians attend soccer games to . . .
a) see the home team win one against the rest of Europe
b) to root for the teams they hope will go to the Olympics
c) get drunk and start fights
4) Bullfighting is considered inhumane because . . .
a) the bull is drugged and doesn't stand a chance
b) the bullfighter bleeds the bull to sap its strength
c) the bull is about 3 times smarter than the average Italian matador
5) During World War II, it was a great honor if an Italian ship . . .
a) saw more than 20 battles
b) was asked to join a German action
c) stayed afloat more than 15 minutes
6) Italians fought so hard for Casino in World War II because they thought...
a) that this would be Italy's last stand
b) Hitler would reward them with new equipment
c) it was a pizza parlor
7) Hitler chose El Duce' as his Axis counterpart because . . .
a) he needed Italy to take Austria
b) he needed a staging ground for North African actions
c) Hitler thought El Duce' looked a lot like Curley and needed a good laugh
8) The mention of El Duce' in Italy today will . . .
a) bring a flush of shame on the faces of Italians
b) result in an argument about facism vs. communism in modern Italy
c) bring some huge guy named Vinnie to break your legs
9) The Patron Saint of Italy is . . .
a) Saint Jehrome
b) Saint Augustus
c) Frank Sinatra
10) In Italian business, a hostile takeover usually involves . . .
a) lawyers locked in death battles over obscure legal issues
b) corperate heads trying to build the biggest golden parachutes they can
c) gunfire
11) The Italian airforce lacks helicopters because . . .
a) they don't think the helicopter has a place in jet-age warfare
b) they would rather concentrate on ground forces over air forces
c) the big blade goes "Wop Wop Wop" and the little one goes "Dago Dago Dago"
12) Most Italians are . . .
a) warm and friendly people
b) kind to tourists
c) wanted in at least 3 countries
"Uh, 'cuse me Squire. Vinne and I don't like this 'ere quiz. Why don't you do
a quiz 'bout someone else, like the Germans. Or we'll punch you in the mouf."
And now . . .
For the two nice gents from Italy, a quiz about . . . Germans!
(*applause*)
A quiz about Germans what have no mafia
---------------------------------------
1) It is a proud day in a German family when a son . . .
a) gets an apprenticeship in the auto industry
b) joins the service
c) can drink his old man under the table
2) Looting, riots, burning and pillaging are most associated with . . .
a) Crystal Night, 1937
b) The Russian Occupation, 1945
c) Octoberfest, 1989
3) The best way to get a German to move quickly is to . . .
a) yell "RUN!"
b) yell "FIRE!"
c) yell "HEY! DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT THE NUEMBERG TRIBUNAL?!"
4) Most Germans scatter and hide under tables . . .
a) during NATO exercises
b) when nuclear drills are rehearsed
c) whenever someone mentions war crimes
5) Most pilots in the GDR today are . . .
a) the most highly skilled in Europe
b) proud members of the EEC
c) aging Stuka pilots who keep getting flashbacks about Poland
6) The reason flight 201 went down over Scotland was . . .
a) terrorism
b) mental fatigue
c) Pilot error: The GDR pilot thought he was over Krakow
7) Had Hitler wanted to win the war, he would have heavily defended . . .
a) aircraft manufacturers
b) heavy weapons plants
c) breweries
8) In regards to World War II, most Germans . . .
a) wish they had taken a stand when the Nazi party was small and weak
b) wish that the Holocaust never happened
c) wish they had won
9) The takeover of American firms by German firms is called . . .
a) extro-European business
b) fair competition on a global basis
c) revenge for the Dresden fire bombing
10) In regards to the Holocaust, most Germans think . . .
a) "What a deep shame it is for all of Germany for the rest of history."
b) "It is our fault for not standing up in the Jew's hour of need."
c) "Better them than us."
11) When crossing the English Channel, GDR pilots usually . . .
a) check the weather at Heathrow
b) switch over to VOR's on the British side of the Channel
c) start scanning for Spitfires
12) ______ is not a very popular vacation spot for Germans.
a) Japan
b) China
c) Israel
13) Perhaps the biggest German business failure ever was . . .
a) attempting to build the Airbus entirely out of German parts
b) trying to export Volkswagons to Japan
c) selling ovens to the Israelis
14) The biggest German export to America is . . .
a) aerospace technology
b) automobiles
c) skinheads
15) The Black Forest is filled with . . .
a) wolves
b) foxes
c) skinheads
16) Given their choice, most GDR pilots would prefer to fly a . . .
a) Boeing 757
b) European Airbus
c) German ME-109
17) Most Germans who fought in World War II are now . . .
a) unified in their belief that the war was a mistake
b) honored in quiet home ceremonies
c) part of the ground between Moscow and Berlin
18) Had Hitler known any better, he would have . . .
a) gone into the Soviet Union 5 weeks earlier
b) never invaded Poland
c) kept on painting houses
19) When Germans close their eyes, they dream of . . .
a) owning a BMW
b) sending their kids to an American university
c) Argentina
20) When asked about the war, most Germans will respond . . .
a) "It is a deep shame for all of us."
b) "May God forgive us for what we have done."
c) "Better luck next time, 'eh?"
(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc.
