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M00se Droppings Issue 25
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #25| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | MAY 18, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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BL00p!
PLEASE, if you're going away for the summer, or if your account is deactivated,
send a message to LEE_JES@CTSTATEU! If your messages bounce, you will be
removed from the mailing list.
Summer is here and finals dead in the dust. M00se Droppings will continue,
even if its editors do defect to the beach. We hope that those of you who
will be with us continue to send more of your great submissions. Recently
we received several songs from the Buffalo Thr0ng, we especially liked the one
taken from Paul Sim00se! (Maybe we should make Paul S. an honorary member?)
Nothing else is really new in Twinkie-Land, so this is it for the Editorial.
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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MD reporters in Canada have been reported visiting M00se Jaw where they
took photographic evidence of The Giant M00se. The Giant M00se is suspected
of being the ringleader of the doubtful organization H.O.O.F. Little evidence
has turned up to support this either way. The following reporters have been
listed as missing in action: BackDoorM00se and Mickey M00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
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The Rotation of the Earth shifting 1/800 of a millimeter has caused the loss
of three coat hangers into orbit. Will this bring the end of life as we know
it? Will the population on Alpha Centauri be wiped out? Worse yet, will they
multiply and cause a hostile takeover of the Galactic Trade Center? More news
at 10.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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From GypsyLynx......
All that talk of fish in the last issue made me hungry and very
confused....that's what I get for being a Pisces cat-m00se, I
guess.
A fish is a fish, of course,
(unless its a horse)
A dog is a dog of course
(and never feels remorse)
But what, pray tell is a m00se?
(or worse yet, a m00se on the l00se?)
I saw one yesterday in a sluice
(sipping papaya juice?)
CARussell
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More conf00sing fiction from Zem00se & Gund, the hip m00se...
*** No silly songs. Just some fiction! ***
A while ago I posted about how I got a good deal on my '53 St00debaker by
buying from a m00se. It was suggested that I tell the story of that car and
how I got it.
It was 1976. April, I believe. My current 32 Chevy truck was not working
well. Actually, it was not working at all. The transmission (a chain) was
bad (kinky -- the chain was, I mean). And the engine was, well, not well.
So I decided to ponder the local automobile establishments and get myself a
new chariot -- at least something with a REAL transmission. I stopped my
several places: Boffo's Wheel Emporium, Smiling Arnold's, and even Fred's
Place for Buying Cars (aptly named because Fred didn't sell iguana feed).
None of them had the proper price on a car I wanted. Basically, I wanted a
car with power everything, and a double-digit price tag (decimal included).
Nobody seemed right.
But then I read an ad in the "News and Times" (aptly named because they
didn't report on iguana feed). The ad was from Bullwinkle's Car Shop. I
went to see Mr. Bullwinkle, who was a m00se. First, I asked him about the
name -- he's no relation to the famed m00se of cartoon fame, but does have
a pet iguana named Rocky.
At any rate, I thought it unusual that a m00se would be operating a car
lot. I asked him about his license. That is when I learned about how m00se
get their car lot licenses. The process is really quite simple (much
simpler than the process by which humans get one -- but that's another
story). A m00se must go to the "Building where Car Lot Licenses are Given
Out". (Aptly named because you couldn't get a license to sell iguana feed in
this building. The "Building where People, M00ses, and Bivalves get
licenses to sell, write about, or otherwise be associated with Iguana Feed,
is two blocks over. Needless to say, it is a very small building.)
When the m00se arrives at the proper building, he simply walks up to the
clerk, and asks for the license. Since a m00se cannot write too well, the
clerk simply asks if the m00se is, in fact, a m00se. If this can be
confirmed (a real m00se does NOT have `Made in Japan' on the antlers), the
m00se is issued a license.
NOTE: The next paragraph is part of `another story' but is included for
clarity.
Many humans, jealous of m00ses, try to get a car lot license by wearing a
m00se costume. This offense is now considered a felony, and is punishable by
being forced to watch all 97 Green Acres episodes with no commercials and
no breaks, followed by someone making a fart noise and pointing in the
direction of the felon.
Bullwinkle had the proper license, and no Made in Japan labels, so I
thought he was legitimate and went through with the deal. He said he didn't
have anything on the lot that was in my price range, but there was a nice
orange on green 53 St00debaker that he only wanted $9,799 for (price being
negotiable. I took a look.
The car was perfect! It was so old and out of style, it was just on the
verge of coming back. And it had a transmission. Wonderful gears and
clutches and valves. No more chains for me. I can tell you, I was in love.
The blue vinyl seats and gold fuzzy dice were the final touches. But I
couldn't afford the $9,799 price tag.
Brokenhearted (Gee. That reminds me of a cute saying I saw inscribed on the
bathroom wall of an Iguana feed factory bathroom, but that's a different
story.) But Back to the subject -- brokenhearted, I went home.
About two weeks after the initial stop, I was in a small bookstore near the
intersection of Iguana and Vole. Back on an shelf, obscured from light by
several large volumes on iguanas, was a book about m00ses, and how to bribe
them. I immediately bought it and went home.
I read that a m00se's favorite hobby is building tipping. They like to climb
the elevator shaft horizontally. But m00ses can barely afford the Union
Crew of building tippers required to do this on a regular basis. It is
therefore advantageous for any person dealing with a m00se to have
certificates for Building Tipping by a Union Crew around.
It must have been my lucky day, as I had seven(!) of them in my wallet. I
won them at an Iguana Feed Distributor's Convention in Deluth, and had no
use for them as I like to climb elevator shafts the regular way -- using a
metal box with aptly numerated buttons. So I hopped in my old truck and flew
(OK, I did 15, but I WANTED to fly) on down to Bullwinkle's place. I offered
the certificates to Bullwinkle if he could knock a few bucks off the price.
I figured he'd knock off four or five hundred.
Boy was I surprised when he said I could have the little gem for $73.
Seventy three bucks! So I got the car, and blew up my old truck with a
home-made concoction of sodium sumtinorotherate and Vaseline ignited by sugar
and baking soda (it really works, so be careful).
Immediately, I went down to the disco. I was cool. I was happy. I was just
getting to know a nice young lady of the opposite sex, when the building
was suddenly cleared by a Union Crew of Building Tippers. While tipping the
building, they accidentally dropped it on my St00debaker.
I thought I was gonna die. My car was ruined. The worst part is that
Bullwinkle was the m00se having the building tipped.
So I went home and had a martini, smoked a bong full of Fruit Loops, and
took three weeks off from work. While at home those three weeks, I ate only
freeze dried Iguana feed.
-- Chris M00spaw
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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Lord Trelf, the guy with the pen, is back! BL000p!
Report from the Lansing/Cornell by Lord Trelf.
During a heavy trance [read: scotch induced stupor] Lord Trelf was
granted a gift of foresight and was shown the future - as a matter of fact,
the time period shown was the last year of the Earth's existence. The
exact date is unknown, and all M00ses are warned to keep alert, and if
they see any of these signs, they are to immediately do anything in their
power to change the course of events - lest the world shall be destroyed
by pillars of flame and ice glaciers flung from the skies!!!!
January - Soviet Premier Uri Vodkadrinkski seen dancing naked through Gorki
Park. The USSR did nothing to cover this up, nor was Vodkadrinkski
apprehended. The next day he returned to his position, claiming to
have "...absolutely no knowledge of this ridiculous story! It is
a plot by Fidel Castro to discredit me. That petty little man has
been upset ever since I took Cuba away from him!" Premier
Vodkadrinkski then pulled off his shirt and proudly displayed
a tatoo of Mikhail Barishnikov with the popular "Ghostbusters"
logo superimposed over the famous ballet dancer.
Gun's-N-Roses lead singer Axle shot to death by a man who was
later identified to be none other than Elvis Presley. Mr. Presley
explained in a press release that he had faked his death to get
some peace and quiet and "...to try to forget those awful movies
I made." However, he could no longer take it when GNR released
their Twentieth album, which was a tribute to The King and
featured twelve covers of Elvis' most popular hits. "Hearin'
that stringy little punk singing 'Teddy Bear' just did something
to me," Elvis said. "May he and Priscilla burn in Hell."
February: The United Nations, NATO, the World Market, and every other
multinational organization were disbanded as Cher was elected
Supreme Empress of All. Cher, who has ordered that from now
on she be referred to as "The Dark Queen", decreed that all
former national rulers be put to death, that every religion be
disbanded, and that all regal gowns henceforth be made of
tinfoil. In a surprise move, she granted a complete pardon
to Elvis Presley, who was sentenced to death by the former
President of North America, President Mitchell Axle, who was
the father-in-law of late Guns-n-Roses lead singer Axle, who
Presley had shot a month ago. Presley was then named
"Consort to the Dark Queen" and took up residence with
Her Darkness.
Also suprising, pork bellies rose for the three-hundreth day in
a row, make it the highest-priced stock. It just barely edged out
the CleanWipe Corporation, the manufacturers of a Handi Wipe
that was used widely to clean up Exxon oil spills.
The events which took place in March and April will appear in the next issue
of M00se Dr0ppings. this has been Lord Trelf.
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******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
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More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
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What are some nice things that you can do with a good pair of breasts?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Broil them, sautee them, dice them into a salad, or just bake them
and eat them on sandwiches the next day.
Hey, what's so funny?
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Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
And who's trying to depose him?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Although we know the answer to the first part of your question is
"Mickey Mouse", it is a little known fact that the famous rodent has
indeed been under a number of attempts to overthrow his reign and
institute a secular democratic state in its place. The last failed
attempt was by a triumvirate consisting of Mighty Mouse, Dangermouse,
and the second of the three mice that ran up the clock. It involved
poisoned cheese and assault mousetraps and was finally foiled by a
friendly white rat working for racial harmony. It is also suspected
the CIA was involved.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Talk dirty to me!!!
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
muck, alluvia, mire, slush, silt, turbidity, stickiness, ooze, bog,
swamp, hardpan, percolation, viscidity, soup, axel, grease, filth,
dung, foulmatter, coprolite, guano, manure, slop, squaler, mud, grime,
smudge, offal, pus, dregs, and dirt will all be served for dinner tonight.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How may we protect ourselves from the twin evils of mayo and tofu?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
The Oracle has gone to great lengths to answer this question, including
talking in a polite and friendly way to people he would normally commit
to the State Asylum on sight, and accordingly has learned from Those Who
Know (Or Say They Do) the precise astral relationships invoved here.
Because of this, I respectfully urge the esteemed questioner to listen
attentively, because he (or she; we do have some very sensitive females
on this machine) has become involved in some Heavy Doodoo.
Basically, you seem to have offended the Demigod of Infinite Blandness.
The Demigod of Infinite Blandness has become very touchy about his
reputation on Oracle, as several of his creations have been getting more
than the usual dirt. You have, apparently, aroused his anger. The DIB,
as we shall refer to him, does not dirty his own hands with the affairs
of mere mortals, but rather prefers to leave the job to his servants on
Earth. These are many; but those disciples of his which are most likely
to attack you in the near future are the following:
1) Mayo. Mayo is the Vice-Demigod of Infinite Blandness, and as such
merits first crack at you.
2) Tofu.
3) Steven Muller.
4) Polyethylene.
Muller is generally the active force involved in the liquidation, whereas
the other three are generally passive. For example, Muller would, at
midnight, his tan disguised by a healthy application of mayo, sneak into
your front yard, jimmy your lock with a polyethylene lockpick, slime his
way into your bedroom, and temporarily gag and bind you with polyethylene
rope until a Giant Blob of Mayo, which had, after the manner of a
monstrous albino slug, crept up after him through the open door and
managed to embalm you, leaving you mentally intact but physically
paralyzed. Then, like a demon out of some bizarre Biblical parable, he
would stone you to death with bricks of tofu. The methods of the Demigod
of Infinite Blandness are anything but dull. Therefore, though Muller
most likely would be the foot in the door that led the way for the other
Powers of Blandness, you must protect against all of them. My temporary
friends in the exorcism business told me how to do this:
1) Put a giant sign on your door, saying, "Welcome to Baltimore." This,
to mere bystanders in the Final Armageddon between Oracle and
Blandness, will appear innocuous, if a little bit weird. (However,
your later actions will even more further this side effect, so bear
with me.) Do the same to all the physical entrances to your house.
(Including chimney; Steve has been known to parachute down chimneys
when his master is especially outraged.) If he sees this sign, he will
immediately remember that he is in a city to which he only comes three
times a year (shaking hands with the freshmen, shaking hands with the
seniors, and tuition increases). To come here any other time would
blow his cover. He therefore will return to Bologna, while his Master
broods darkly.
2) The DIB will then probably try the mayo by itself. However, acting on
its own, Mayo can easily be repelled by anything culinarily opposite
to it. There are many such; my contacts in the Astral Underworld
suggested Tabasco sauce. Mix up a potion of Tabasco sauce, vinegar,
goat cheese, garlic, and any such substances. Smear it around all
entrances to your house. Leave a pot hanging over your door. (NOTE:
As well as an infallible charm against Mayo, this treatment also
removes minor infestations of neighbors, friends, and relatives.)
Carry a bottle of Tabasco sauce always with you for immediate self-
defence.
3) Stay well away from Oriental groceries, health food stores, Temples
of Blandness, Tofutti stands, and anything else you think may harbour
the dread scourge of Tofu. Tofu is not normally capable of motion on
its own, so no special safeguards on your dwelling are necessary.
However, beware of dull-looking strangers carrying grocery bags.
4) Remove anything or appliance containing polyethylene or other
suspicious plastics from your home. (Especially your telephone; many
have been strangled by the unsuspectedly animated products of the
American Telephone and Telegraph Co., which by the way is controlled
by the DIB.) If you cannot find a metal substitute and cannot do
without, at least plate it with cold iron.
Good Luck. Although this is only a minor skirmish in the Endless War
between Oracle and Blandness, I have been informed that the Demigod of
Oracle himself, who we will call by the codename of HJE, has taken an
interest in your case. Happy Dreaming, and don't let the MayoBugs bite!
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Want some fries with that? Anything else?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Ketchup, salt, a chocolate shake, and a diploma. With cheese.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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An ID from Bard..
Chapter Name: Stephanie Manke_____________________________________
Nickname(s): Bard, Bardwolf, whatever I feel like at the time____
Life Form: human -- I think____________________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female XXX Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
(ok, so I had to give a straight answer at some point)
Net Address: 24945863@WSUVM1__ Purity Quotient: NOYB*__%
Description: tall(almost 6'), not so thin anymore(looked 1/2 ____
starved thru high school), straight brown hair,_____
green eyes(basically), semi-classy black wire-rim___
glasses most the times(also have contacts, which I
haven't been wearing) usually clad in a very bum-like
fashion -- sweats, sweatshirt, running shoes
Favourite Saying: "Beware the superfically profound"__________________
Other Stuff: I like animals(have 3 cats), computers, books, things
Celtic(esp music/tales), New Age music, fantasy/sf/_
books in general(oops, said that already), beaches__
forests, fires(but not forest fires), history, chess
RPGs, and several dozen etc's______A_________________
Things I Hate: CROWDS, most vegetables(esp cooked)
yapping dogs, irresponsible apartment-mates('tis a
long and sad tale) this, of course, is only a sample
* None of Your Business
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Lord Trelf's ID...
Name: Frank J. Orzechowicz [sounds better in Polish]
Nicks: Lord Trelf, Wolverine, "That Son of a *****"
Net Address: TQMY@CRNLVAX5
Sex: Very infrequently {Male}
Purity Quotient: Very high {See heading titled "Sex"}
Favorite Saying: "Yo" {Old Philadelphia Greeting}
Most Frequently Said Line: "Yeah, I'm job hunting again."
Most Wished-To-Be-Heard Line: "*I* don't think you look like a Troll..."
Description: Six feet even, 240 pounds, former weight lifter. [None of the
definition I once had, but I could probably bench press you.]
Brown hair, brown mustache and beard with streaks of blond and
occasionally a gray hair or two {see heading titled "Most
Frequently Said Line"}. Enjoy attending Ren Faires, wenches who
attend Ren Faires {long story}, Pro Wrestling, reading, writing
{Still attempting to be a published author.}, listening to
"Flight of the Valkyrie" and "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor",
and killing fish with The Innkeeper and Spaceman Biff. [though
we've never managed to kill any this season, and I've never fished
with Biff, but hey, who's keeping a score card?????]
Least Favorite-Heard Saying: "Ya' know, you really DO look like a Troll...."
Thirty-First Favorite Saying: "EVIL pure and simple from the 8th Dimension!"
{Happy now Roo????}
Goals in Life: To become and published and wealthy author in the next few
years {so I never again have to say "Yeah, I'm job hunting
again."} To learn the meaning of life and to find the woman
of my dreams. {Preferably in the next two months.} And to
give George Michael a black eye.
The One Thing I'd Like To Tell You All: "Go get drunk."
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