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M00se Droppings Issue 28
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BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #28| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 30, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Having just seen the Bat on friday there really isn't much to say except WOW..
"He has such nice toys.."(The Joker)
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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This just in: A thr0ng of approximately eleven m00ses was seen at the East
Hartford Showcase Cinemas on Friday, the 23rd of June. Some of them were caught
by the Channel 8 News cameras. They fl0cked through the d00rs to catch Batman
on opening night. M00ses from the Wesleyan, CCSU and Hartford Thr0ngs attended.
The m0vie received five bl00ps from Thr0ngel and M00sebert.
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If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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Greetings my fellow M00ses!
Due to several occurences recently [and in the future] I've decided
upon something. After learning in my Prophecies that I am to become
a deity in the future, and that Spaceman Biff! [who is NOT a wimp...I wouldn't
want to wrestle him over a fish head] declaring "Long Live Lord Trelf", I've
decided to declare my own Church - "The Followers of His High Holy Trelfness".
This church, and it's followers, will make it's goals to be these - the
improvment of the shelling and cooking of mollusks, especially those
unwashed infidels the Scallops [OOOOOOHHHHH], the bettering of techiniques
designed to cause the decapitation of fish [namely, bait fishing], and
the lining of my pockets with cold hard cash.
Holy Symbol : The head of a rainbow trout sitting on a can of Foster's Beer.
Holy Colors : Cobalt Blue, White, and [what the hell] mauve.
Entrance into the order:
Very Simple - First, thou must watch the movie "Excalibur". Next,
thou must watch the video of Sam Kinison's "Wild Thing" 300 times in
a row while drinking Foster's beer and ripping the heads from Rainbow
trout. [Be sure to place the fish heads on top of the empty cans]. After
this, you should see the light and flock to me...but before you flock,
be sure to surrender over to me all bank accounts, credit cards, and rebate
stickers.
Gifts of Lord Trelf:
Remember, His High Holy Trelfness, Lord Trelf, is a most kind and
benevolent spiritual leader, and will grant many gifts to his followers.
These include eternal happiness, peace of mind, free love [a small nominal
fee], contentment, and this beautiful yet fuctional 20-IN-1 digital watch.
So come to me, my M00ses, flock to my banner and revel in my Trelfness.
The universe and all eternity will be yours!
Copyright: 1989, Ronco Enterprises
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Another song from those musical m00ses...
Have you ever seen a m00se,
fearless and brave,
calm and couth?
Have you ever seen him run,
scared and cowardly,
from a large gun?
Have you ever seen him eat,
large portions of hay,
and gleaming wheat?
Have you ever seen him rest,
in the meadow or forest,
at his personal best?
Have you ever seen him fight,
another m00se or c0w,
in the day or night?
Have you ever found a m00se,
that could be your friend,
all hip and loose?
If you have, you've passed the test,
you've found your calling,
You're one of the best.
Bl00p!
*BritM00se*
&
**Mel0dy the Musical M00se**
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More Star Trash...
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Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head!
Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again.
Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for
some tests.
Troi:Captain, I am feeling...
Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid.
Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry.
Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME?
Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf.
Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has
not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for
your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time.
Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm.
{Captain's Cabin}
Wesley:Knock knock
Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign.
Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have
on your head.
Picard:Yes, what about it?
Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great
waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill,
sir.
Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make
that abilities, but this time she is mistaken.
{The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput}
Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency!
{Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face}
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{The Medlab}
Pulaski:Well, it's definitely dead.
Picard:What killed it?
Data:Analysis indicates that the buildup of polishing materials on your scalp,
Captain, was toxic to the organism.
Picard:That's ridiculous.
Data:Captain, you command a ship crewed by an android, a yuppie Klingon, the
bastard son of James T. Kirk, a blind helmsman, the most precocious
humanoid geek in the galaxy, and a walking biorhythms machine, and you
have the gall to call ANYTHING ridiculous?
Picard:Point taken, Data. Number Two?
Crew:Umm, who's that, I dunno, what number are you?
Picard:Never mind. Where's Worf? We must confiscate and examine his lifeform
before it's too late.
Worf:Growl. You called, Captain?
Picard:Yes, Lt. Worf. You must remove the life form from your head and
surrender it to Dr. Pulaski here for examination. One of the creatures
has already died and before anything else happens, I want to know
what's going on.
Worf:Yes, sir (Tries to take it off but it won't budge) Captain, the organism
is attached to my head. Growl!
Data:As I am an android, sir, perhaps I could give it a try, seeing as my
strength is greater than that of any lifeform.
Picard:Go right ahead, Data.
(Data rips the Toupee off Worf's head and suddenly the ship
starts to shudder, red lights sound, and the camera
goes 37 degrees to the left)
Giordi:Data, I told you to cut that stuff out!
Wesley:(Over the intercom)Captain, we're under attack! Gosh!
Picard:We're on our way. Picard out. Let's go, people
{Closing shot of Picard's determined face}
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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June 19, 1989
Bl00p! Spaceman Biff! here.
Okay, after having taken on clams, scallops (oooh), fishkilling,
Saturday Morning Star Trek, Quantum Love, and the Phone Company, it's
time to address the evolution question. Specifically, why do some men
have chest hair and others not? The accepted answer has been that chest
hair is a vestigial tie to our simian past (the When-Our-Ancestors-
Jumped-Down-From-The-Trees-Some-Jumped-Farther-Than-Others theory, first
put forward by Lt. Dr. Coffman, Seoul, Korea, 1956). However, of the
hundreds of stone figurines unearthed from our prehistoric past, NOT ONE
has had deer fur, hemp,etc. glued to its chest to simulate chest hair.
In fact, the earliest reference to chest hair is that in the bible, when
Esau, a swarthy and hairy dude, was cheated out of his inheritance for a
bowl of soup (noone ever said hairy=brainy) by his brother, who was
jealous of the lush growth on his bosom (pardon). The conclusion is
obvious; chest hair developed sometime between prehistoric time (June 19,
100,000 BC) and the Biblical age.
Now, normally, such mutations persist and dominate the earlier
species due to a biological advantage either created by the mutation or
imposed by the environment. However, jealous younger brats aside, there
has been no particular advantage to hairychestedness; and thus both
varieties of human male have persisted.
What, then, is chest hair for? I think I have discovered the
answer. It's for storing soap lather in the shower. Thus, with the
invention of the shower in the nineteenth century, a tremendous
biological advantage was created, favoring follicled fronts. For
example, men who can more effectively store soap under a coursing stream
of water will necessarily be cleaner, and thus more attractive to the
female of the species, and thus more likely to propagate. This is the
first known mutation that preceded the need by hundreds upon thousands
of years. In any case, I predict that "smoothies" will die out within
seven thousand years, and that the advantage will eventually be
developed through mutation by the female as well. Blissfully, I will be
dead by then.
I used no chemicals, my confusion is natural,
--Spaceman Biff!
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In an exercise of pomposity and self-indulgent behavior, I am pleased to
announce the first installment in a perhaps-regular feature:
PICKLE REVIEWS THE MOVIES
The title above may change from issue to issue, however, as I feel equally
inclined to tell you how to feel about records and books. For now, however,
it's going to be a movie. So let's get right along with my review of...
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
This movie is incredible. By that, of course, I don't mean unbelievable,
I mean amazingly good. It reinforces a fact that is obvious to some of us
already: Literature and writing are the single most important subjects to
learn about in the entire universe.
Engineering and the like are "noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain
life," says Robin Williams in his role as English teacher John Keating. "But
poetry, beauty, love -- these are what we stay alive *for*."
I admit, it is difficult to take Robin Williams seriously at first. One
look at that face and all you can think of is "Hallloooooooo! Shut the fuck
up!" But as soon as he starts teaching his class, you start forgetting that he
is a stand-up comedian.
The other actors are also very good. Unfortunately, I don't recall any of
their names, and I haven't got a paper with me. But watch Neil, Todd, and
Charlie for exceptional performances. The young woman who plays Chris, The
Most Beautiful Girl Knox Overstreet Has Ever Seen In His Life And Who Rates
Pretty High Up On My Scale Too, does that job rather well. She acts, too, and
quickly convinces you that Knox *would* fall in love with her in a single
evening.
Oh, and RoboCop fans, look at Neil's dumb-ass father! Recognize him?
That's right! It's our buddy Clarence Boddicker (sp?), meanest crime-boss in
town! The man is slime, and I hope I see him on-screen a lot more.
What more can I say? I know. The photography is amazing, and the music
is very good. But I think that's about all I can say without giving too much
away. Now, how shall I rate films? I know....
DEAD POETS SOCIETY: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P
That'll be the highest rating I give. If I use some other animal sound
besides that of the majestic m00se, you'll know I really hated it.
You know, this is fun. And it was kind of short, so I think I'll go on.
Now, for Pickle's videotape review of the day:
EVIL DEAD II
This movie is great! I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes! Easily
the funniest movie I've seen all year, probably the funniest since Roger
Rabbit. I have to thank fellow founding m00se Mike Harm for making me watch
this one.
Some background: Evil Dead was a very bad horror film made more than ten
years ago. Some bozo said, "Hey....let's get the same lead actor, rebuild the
set, and make a sequel."
Somebody else, not without justification, pointed out that the first movie
had really sucked goose eggs.
"So, we'll have fun with this one," the bozo said.
Man, did they! I hear that for one scene, where blood is supposed to
squirt out of a hole in a wall, they bought the wrong pump. Blood gushes out
of every possible opening on that side of the room with approximately the force
of a firehose. When they saw the result, the film makers said, "what the hell?
It's funnier that way."
The lead actor is perfect. Faking (obviously) tears for his girlfriend
one minute, looking like a deranged Mel Gibson Road Warrior the next, laughing
in a stark, raving mad fashion at another point, he gets put through hell in
this movie and makes you love every sadistic minute of it. The scene where his
hand gets possessed and beats him senseless with dishes is hysterical. Even
better is when he starts a chainsaw with his teeth and amputates the offensive
little critter, shouting "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?! WHOOO'S LAUGHING NNOOOWWWW?!?!?"
And that's just the beginning. It gets FAR more deranged, entertaining, and
laugh-riot-ish later on.
The great thing about this movie is that, while we all like to rent bad
movies and laugh at them, this one was made just for that purpose. And so you
can't really say it's bad. It's not a horror film, it's a gruesome comedy, and
a damn funny one.
Only problem with the movie is that they don't tell you that the first
five minutes is a condensed version of the first movie. So when you rent this,
bear in mind that the whole section up until the front door of the house
explodes and the camera rushes toward the main character, and he turns around
and screams, is intro. Yeah, I know it's a bad sentence. Go write your own
movie reviews.
I've heard the first movie isn't worth seeing even as background, so I
haven't watched it. Evil Dead II is thoroughly enjoyable without it.
EVIL DEAD II: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P
This has been your roving entertainment critic/cynic/snob. If you
disagree with me, your artistic opinions are obviously not worth a damn.
NOTE: The snobbish, mildly offensive attitude in these reviews is simply part
of getting into character for the reviewing business. Don't take it personally.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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Chapter Name: B0liver Shagnasty Chapter (formerly Din0m00se Chapter)
Grand P00bah: Christopher Weller
Bullm00se: C. Weller
Treasurer: Toph "Mad Dog" Weller
Thr0ng: Wilfed Hyde-White thr0ng (formerly Trinity Throng)
Nickname(s): Black Adder, Roach, Dark Qvelle, Hey, You!
Life Form: I'm receiving strange readings, Captain.....
Positions of
Importance: Jester, Trinity Fantasy Guild; High Priest of Isaac Azathoth
bullm00se of Wilfred Hyde-White thr0--
I WON'T INTERRUPT THIS ID FILE FOR A POUND.
Sex: Okay, come round my place about 11:30. BYO Mayonaise.
Net Adress: CWELLER@TRINCC Purity Quotient: 55.5% (2/89)
Description: Carbonbasedbipedalcaucasian of Half(insertpointyearraceof
yourchoice) descent approxiamtelyfivefootninebyonehundredfifty
poundsBrownhairBlueeyesand twelvetentacle-likeappendages.
Favourite Saying: "If you can't say anything nice about anyone, come sit
next to me."
--somebody
Religion: Relaxed Agnostic. Dunno the answers, ain't lookin' too hard.
Patron dieties: Elvis, Isaac Azath0th
Pet: Lord Siegfried Montgomery Lizardo a fuckin' pesky ferret.
Activities: Trinity College Fantasy Guild (Veep), RPG's (ADND,
Champions, Star Wars), Comic Books, Scifi, Movies, Books,
Writing, Interactive Literature.
College Info: Trinity College (Hartford CT) Class of 91
Major: East Asian Studies (Nihongo o hanashimaska?)
Other: kimble grumble knock vent whoop! Whoop! Finercrimson
duck duck nurley wang tang Chocobar Galactica!
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The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: Kendall Rush
Nickname(s): Satan,Mentat Mode(a Dune(the series) reference), Rasta
Life Form: Subconscious Projection
Sex: Male by birth, Heterosexual By Choice, Monogomist by
Neccessity
Net Address: v096jbxl@ubvmsd Purity Quotient: 64%
but I'm trying
Description: 6'3, ex-high school footballer (lineman), brown eyes,
and black hair, known to be a charmer.
Favourite Saying: "Every body wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die"
"I hear ya... i'm withya... a thousand points of light."
Other Stuff: I like any form of music as long as it's not redundant
and/or you can dance to it. Really fond of Reggae and
African Folk as well as Afro-pop.
I can usually found with my nose in a book.
I like hard core punk and when asked how come I
don't look like a punker, my favorite answer is,
"I'm a non-conformist, and in order to prove my
non-conformity you expect me to conform to what
society believes a non-conformist should look like,
and only until I conform to what society thinks, does
the punk community of the place consider me a
non-conformist. This my friend is a what we call a catch
22 there fore I look like i do because I refuse to
be like anyone says I should be or expects me to be.
I try for true non-conformity."
P.S.
I'm also known for thinking too much and/or for my
Philisophical Bullshit.!
May The Circle Be Unbroken,
Mentat M00se
Of The U.B. Giga-Throng
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