Milk_Issue_46

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Milk

 · 5 years ago

  

 /-\  /-\   /\  /\  /\  /\     Mighty  
|   \/   |  \/ |  ||  |/ /     Illicit          Issue #46 
|  |\/|  |  /\ |  ||    <      Liquid           "The Facts about Lampreys" 
|  |  |  | |  ||  ||  |\ \     Kollections      -By James Hetfield 
 \/    \/   \/  \/  \/  \/ 

_____________ 
         
        Lampreys.  LAMPREYS.  Damn the lampreys.  Thery're everywhere, and 
we must watch our backs whereever we go.  

Commonly Mistaken Beliefs: 

1) Lampreys are only in Water.   

        FALSE.  Lampreys can be found ANYWHERE.  In your bed, in your computer, 
in your BRAIN, if you're not careful...  

2) Lampreys don't attack humans. 

        FALSE.  Lampreys will latch on to anything they can.  They especially 
PREFER Human flesh and blood, in fact, over that scaley garbage they find in 
the water. 

3) Lampreys aren't a threat to human society. 

        FALSE.  Lampreys are constantly plotting new ideas and schemes on how 
to take over our government and destroy us off the planet so they can live 
happily on the mainland.  Beware... 

4) Lampreys make great pets. 

        FALSE.  Lampreys are the worst possible pet you could have.  They'll 
kill any other pets you already have, and might even kill you while you sleep. 

5) Spam is made out of ham products. 

        FALSE.  Spam is actually Lamprey Larva, being distributed by the  
lampreys consirating against us.  Once we eat spam, the larva hatch in our 
stomach and pollute the rest of our body, until we die, then they leave it in 
seach of other lampreys like them.  Soon all these lampreys will start a  
coalition against all humanity. 

6) Crystal Pepsi is a carbonated water and sugar drink. 

        FALSE.  Crystal Pepsi is really Lamprey Urine!  Stay away from this 
product as much as possible, for it is a very dangerous pollutant to take into 
your body. 

7) Lampreys Sleep. 

        FALSE.  Lampreys are constantly awake, waiting us to fall asleep, so 
they can prey upon us. 

8) The Reason Lampreys have not taken over is because of our vast and strong 
   Military. 

        FALSE.  Lampreys could EASILY destroy the military.  the only reason 
they have not taken over yet is because of Lamprey Hunters like Nyarlathotep, 
and Pete.  These men keep the lampreys at bay with their magical lamprey  
hunting weapons and (more importantly) their wit. 

9) Lampreys don't have sex. 

        FALSE.  Lampreys are continually having intercourse, that is, when  
they're not trying to take over the planet. 

10) Dolphins are the 2nd most intelligent beings on earth. 

        FALSE.  The Lampreys are just a tad less intelligent than humans, and 
if we're not careful, our end is near.   

        I hope these facts have helped you realize the horror our society is 
plagued with.  We must learn as much as possible about these vile beats, and 
keep wary about them, because if we don't, they'll be on our necks faster  
than a 300 pound, beer guzzing football fan would be on Cindy Crawford. 

______________ 

        This was the first [MiLK] file posted on Internet (as far as I know). 
You can find this file under alt.animals.lampreys.  For more information on  
[MiLK], lampreys, and other WaCky junk in JENeral, Call The Obloid Sphere  
708-965-3098.   

        In short, MiLK is a text file group dedicated to stupid text files 
about little to no good.  [MiLK] does not encourage the exploitation of cows, 
eggplants, or mangos in any way.   

This file is Exactly 3520 bytes long.