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Mikes Madness Issue 10
Mike's Madness #10
. . . And now
# 27: A bit about Chess
A bit about Chess
Here we are today at the match of the century! R. Capablanca vs. P.
Morphy. This promises to be a great match as Capablanca is armed with an
American Smith and Wesson .45 and the memory-expert Morphy has chosen a
German Luger as his side-arm. Both players have been drinking heavily, so
there should be violence-a-plenty for all! Here comes Capablanca. The Cuban
is wholly pissed, staggering, and can hardly walk. And crawling on stage now
is Morphy. This amazing American has been slamming brews since 6 this
morning and can't see straight any more. The Arbiter comes over to make
Capablanca and Morphy shake hands. . . but Morphy is giving Capablanca the
bird instead! AND CAPABLANCA HAS GRABBED HIS CROTCH AND LIFTED SEVERAL
TIMES!! That move is usually reserved for our Italian players . . . wait a
second . . . MORPHY IS TELLING CAPABLANCA EXACTLY WHAT HE CAN WRAP HIS LIPS
AROUND!! This is indeed exciting! Capablanca is entirely enraged now . . .
AND SHOOTS MORPHY!! So, only a few seconds into this very arousing game,
Capablanca is declared winner after wasting his American challenger! Well
played for a Cuban greaser.
Roger the Fox's adventures in Sacramento!
Roger the Fox was a happy little fox. He lived in the lush and green
forests of the Sierra Mountains in a snug little den. He had many friends:
Barry the Badger, Harry the Hare, Sally the Squirel and Sal the Sodomite.
Sal was Roger's very best friend and Roger often let him stick his arm
in all the way to the elbow and . . .
DEAR SIRS!
That last bit was wholly revolting and completely without social
value! This must stop now or we'll see a resurgence of the Labor Party!
You've been warned!!!
Go to Hell, you Jack-O bastards!
Margaret Thatcher, P.M.
. . . then Sal got out the Stuka and lubed Roger's as . . .
RIGHT! RIGHT! I WARNED YOU! RIGHT?! I WARNED YOU!
There will now follow a message from the Labor Party:
"SCREW THE PRIME MINISTER!!! BACK TO THE BLEEDIN' STORY OR WE'LL GIVE YA
THE BOOT TO THE 'EAD!"
. . . Roger yipped in pain and Sal shoved the twin 50mm cannons in passed
Roger's stretched . . .
Dear Sirs,
Must we have references to bestiality? You know boys, the Devil has a
special level for people who practice that sort of thing! Just ask these
famous people:
Dr. John C. Lilly: Anything those dolphin's say is a lie! I never did
nothin' like that. Well, maybe once. Or a few times.
Quite a bit, actually. Like once and hour. Why can't
they make air that lasts 3 or 4 hours?? I mean,
you're just gettin' into it when *GASP*, you're outta
bleedin' air!
John Wayne: My horse was more than my best friend. We got married in
Las Vegas and spent our honeymoon at the Sands.
Hannibal: How do you think I got the elephants over the fucking Alps,
anyway?
Pavlov: You should have seen what the dogs would do when they heard
TWO bells!
C. Darwin: When presented the choice of sleeping with a turtle or a seal
in the Galapagos, the seal was the natural selection.
Lady Gogiva: Just outta fairness, I let the horse ride naked on me a few
times.
Ziegfried and Roy: We have a special trick that we don't usually show to
the general public. It involves a lioness, a ripe
cucumber and a handful of Vasaline.
Greenpeace: Once we were sitting between a Russian whaler and a pod
of whales and we yelled "Save the whales!". Well, this
Russian sailor instead yelled "FUCK THE WHALES!".
It was great.
See boys, you could end up like these filthy little perverts. They're all
goin' straight to Hell. So cut the shit, boys, or your gonads are going to
be roasting over hellfire for enternity!
Signed,
The Pope.
. . . Finally, Sal gave the tail a huge push and it glided smoothly up
Roger's . . .
Dear Sirs,
Hey, you wouldn't know where we could find that fox with the Stuka up
his ass, would ya? Or maybe a stoat with an ME-109 loged in its skull? Or a
robin with a Panzer in it's craw? Do any of those come with ammo?
Just curious,
The American Nazi Party.
"That letter wasn't REALLY from the Pope, was it?" Roger asked between
winces.
"Naww," Sal said. "The real Pope signs his name 'The Pope what you better
listen to or I'll send a few bishops out to rough you up'."
"I think that pilot wants his plane back," Roger said.
"Okay, just turn around then and I'll yank it out," Sal replied.
. . . And it was with this clever method of hiding dive-bombers in animal's
alimentry canals that Hitler hoped to pull off the most daring of all the
World War II missions . . .
"Agnes, what's on the television, then?"
"Shhh! It'a a documentary about World War II!"
"Blimey! I've already seen World War II. Turn to BBC-2!"
CLICK!
"What's that, then?"
"It looks like a soccer match!"
"'oo is THAT!??"
"It's bleedin' Hitler!"
"OOH! So it is!"
"What's 'e doin' there, then?"
"He says Hull didn't save the last point because the Goalie was outta da
box."
"Well, I must say 'e's got a good eye, then."
"YES! Durin' the war, he usedta ref for Bromsley!"
"OOOOOOH! That IS impressive."
"Yeees. What's on BBC-3?"
CLICK!
"It's Roger the Fox's Adventures in Sacramento!"
"I seen it already. Turn it off."
CLICK!
