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Mind Warp File 06
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[ Mind Warp - Volume #0, Issue #6, File #006 ]
[ "Music Review: #2" by Mustaine ]
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MuSTaiNe's MuSiC ReVieW #2
[Mustaine/INFLUENZA]
Guess what folks??? It's already time for another fine music review by
yours truly. Raven apparently didn't mind my last cutting commentary on
some pretty crappy bands, so in this review I promise to bust on more sucky
bands. Woo! At any rate, following my usual brief and meaningless commen-
tary is my music scale, which I base on my own personal (and perfect)
standards. Got a problem with it? Too bad. Cause if you hate it, then you
suck. Everyone knows I am always right. Enjoy.
MuSTaiNe's MuSiC SCaLe (*ReViSeD oN 06/18/94*)
-3000) MuST Be BY PaNTeRa....
-5) aNYTHiNG BY VaNiLLa iCe...
0) SuCKS!!! ÞÞÞ Get the picture? ÞÞÞ
1) BiTeS!!!
2) eWW!!!
3) CRaP!!!
4) BLaH, BLaH...
5) NoT HaLF BaD, BuT CRaP..
6) GeTTiN' THeRe!!!
7) KeWL..SoRTa
8) Yo! I CaN DiG THiS SH*T.
9) Woo! PLaY SoMe MoRe...
10) F*CKiNG iNCReDiBLe!!!
BaND #1 :
Name : PaNTeRa
Members : Philip Anselmo (VoCaLS)
Dimebag Darell (GuiTaRS)
Vinne Paul (DRuMS)
ReX (BaSS)
Album : FaR BeYoND DRiVeN
Info. : Before I comment on this crappy little album, let me take a moment
to explain just how much this band sucks. And they DO suck. First
off, the vocalist, Mr.Scream-at-the-top-of-his-lungs-couldn't-sing-
if-he-tried-cockroach-lookin'-no-hair-havin'-moron-with-tattoo's-
just-so-he-can-figure-out-which-arm-is-left-and-which-arm-is-right
sucks. I mean he really sucks. He must have a really small dick
too. Has anyone ever read the lyrics? They're all about sex, and
why the lead singer never gets any because of his ugly ass looks.
Then the next few songs are about his pussy-ass attempts at revenge
on the bitch that wouldn't suck his dick. Then he tries to sing
about how he could kick everyone's ass. Please Mr. Anselmo, you
suck. You look stupid, you sing bad, and your fans are those
escaped convicts from the hick-homes in Omaha. Get a fucking life.
Next we have the drummer. This guy has had WAY too many Twinkies.
He has so many chins you can't tell where is face ends and where
his whale sized stomach begins. And he sucks for a drummer too.
He just bangs real hard in a beat that any four year old could do.
These people have NO talent. They can't sing. They can't play
music. Probably the ONLY reason they are popular is because
Ricky Rackman(or however the hell you spell his name) said he liked
them on MTV one night which is at 1 in the morning when most people
are stoned and/or tripping off their asses.
At any rate, I should tell you about the album. There is ONE good
song on this album. And Pantera didn't write it. They STOLE it
from Black Sabbath...who isn't even that hot. It's called Planet
Caravan and it's a small ballad. Other than that, this CD makes a
really good....frisbee? So by my scale, this band gets a negative
.....3000?
BaND #2 : LeTS BuST on PaNTeRa some more...
Name : Gee dipwad...I wonder.
Album : VuLGaR DiSPLaY oF PoWeR
Members : Philip Anselmo (VoCaLS)
Dimebag Darell (GuiTaRS)
Vinne Paul (DRuMS)
ReX (BaSS)
Info. : This one had a decent song on it. It was called Hollow and was
about drug abuse and how bad it is. Maybe the lead singer was
sober for a minute or something...I dunno. Other than that,
the singing still....SUCKED. The playing still....SUCKED. The
obvious insecurity about a small dick from the lyrics of the
lead singer....STILL WAS THERE. In other words, this one still
is a good canidate for a frisbee. My rating? -3000.
Well that's it for this review. I obviously lied last time when I said
I'd do three to four bands in this issue. Deal with it. Although most of
you probably agree...their's only so much Pantera that one should bother
writing about. SO until next time, I think you have an idea of what two
albums NOT to buy. I think I'll talk about 12 Guage in the next review.
Until then, keep your fingers out of your nose, and use a condom. Hell, I
do.
MuSTaiNe / iNFLueNZa iNC.
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