Milk_Issue_12

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Milk

 · 5 years ago

  

Û         Û                       [MiLK]                          Û         Û 
Û         Û                                                       Û         Û 
Û         Û       Mighty                     Issue #11            Û         Û 
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       illicit                "SuperMarket Sweep"      Û²²²²²²²²²Û 
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       Liquid                      By Epic             Û²²²²²²²²²Û 
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       Kollections                                     Û²²²²²²²²²Û 
Û²²²²²²²²²Û                                                       Û²²²²²²²²²Û 
ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ                                                       ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ 
  
        I tend to generally avoid television, perferring instead to gain my 
pleasure from computer systems, substance abuse, music, and steamy cooter.  
But there have been times when I have flipped on the beast to see if there  
was "anything good on" (actually I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Fabio,  
but he doesn't appear much). One show that caught my eye was the wholly  
remarkable, "Supermarket Sweep", which can be viewed on Lifetime television,  
or by sticking the co-axial cable directly into your brain. The second method  
provides a crisper image, but not the hi-fidelity audio that I'm sure your  
television has. Take your pick. 

        Anyway, here is the premise of the show : A obviously homosexual  
male (the host) asks three teams lots of stupid questions about food. The  
three teams consist of two people each, usually husband and wife, or  
relatives. I prefer to watch the relatives, because they smile more than the  
married couples. "Price Is Right" regulars of the 80's should do very well 
with the questions on Supermarket Sweep, because they are quite similar  
(I know when I was a young lad I would feign illness just to see Bob Barker  
drool over his co-hosts, and to see a round of Plinko, but that's a whole  
'nother text file). For each stupid question the contestants answer correctly,  
they get 10 extra seconds of esctasy in the "sweep". This really fun thing  
will be explained in the following paragraph, which you may read at your  
leisure. 

        Well, that's the first part of the show. You might as well just skip  
that part, because it's no fun. There's no excitement, no blood, not even  
partial frontal nudity. The party kicks into overdrive during the second half  
of the show, the "sweep". Using the time limits imposed by the contestants'  
performance in the first round, they get to run around a big supermarket, and  
just throw whatever they find into their cart. The contestants seem to fly  
around the supermarket pretty fast in their quest to gain food items; I know  
when I go shopping I can't manipulate my three-wheeled cart nearly as fast  
as these daredevils. They are only allowed five (5) of each type of food  
item, so this makes their duty a bit more difficult. Favorite items to obtain  
seem to be diapers, turkeys, and metamucil (gotta stay regular). The  
contestants fill their cart full of the desired items, and then rush back to  
the check-out counter to get another cart, and do it all over again, until  
their time limit expires.  

        This seems pretty simple, and it is, but there are "special" things  
to add to the excitement, and of course, the fun. (Special things add a lot  
to any occasion. Try them next groundhog's day, or at a wedding) Giant  
plastic representations of food items are placed strategically around the  
store, and add extra value to your shopping load. (This part of the show is  
the most fun, seeing a can of root beer 5 feet tall is reason enough to tune 
in every day).  

        When the time has expired, the contestants return to the check-out  
counter, and the total value of the food is figured out during a commerical  
break. The team with the highest value wins the game and goes to play a  
special bonus thingy, which doesn't look like very much fun. 

        That is the entire show. Not too exciting is it? Well, no, not  
really, but it's just about the best thing you are ever going to find on TV.  
And even if the show does suck, YOU took the time to even read a little essay  
on it (this puppy here), so the show can't be much worse. If you can find  
anything more constructive to do with your time than watch TV (write a novel,  
feed the homeless, or destroy a third world country), please do so. If not,  
be sure to tune into Supermarket Sweep. 

        Well, I hope you enjoyed this informative look at one of the most  
intriguing programs of our time. Next file I'll try not to use as many big  
words. It makes it hard for the translators, you see. Unless you are blind.  
Then maybe you can "C". As always, eat your vitamins. But stay away from  
minerals, they may chip your teeth, requiring extensive dental work, and we  
all know, if you had enough money to afford extensive dental work, you'd  
probably be getting that root canal you've always wanted instead of reading  
this. So, happy trails, and remember, if we don't look good, then we sure  
hope you don't either.   
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[MiLK] Sights - Barney's Pleasure Palace!       (708)965-3098 
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[MiLK] Member Listing -         James Hetfield 
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[MiLK] Issue Number -   12 
[MiLK] Issue Size -     5715 Bytes 
[MiLK] Date of Production:      2/20/93 
                        
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