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Mikes Madness Issue 16
Mike's Madness #16
I'm not a man who has a lot to say, but I like to say it often.
It's America's most hazardous game show!
It's . . .
FEDERAL JUDGES OPEN THEIR MAIL!
Today's contestant is Federal Judge Roy B. Parkus! And Judge Parkus
got this in the mail . . .
B O O M !
. . . today. Well, bad luck there, Parky. So that leaves the score
Racists 3, U.S. Judges nada. And don't forget this week's Helpful Hint:
If it's ticking, don't open it. Bye now!
FEDERAL JUDGES OPEN THEIR MAIL is sponsored by:
The U.S. Postal Service
Dear Sirs,
I have been a judge all me life, and only exploded 3 times.
Right Hon. Jacob L. Spameater
(age 6)
P.S. Why can't we have a bit about Rudolf Hess?
"Oh look, it's Rudolf Hess!"
"Blimey! It is!"
"Wot's 'e doin' over by Mrs. 'enley's?"
"'e's committin' an act of Nazi oppression!"
"Right on Mrs. 'enley's roses! I shall ring the police!"
[dial]-[dial]-[dial]
BrrrrBrrrr BrrrrBrrrr Brr
[click]
"Hello, Links Dept!"
"I'd like to speak to the constable in the next sketch."
"Righty-O!"
BrrrrBrrrrr BrrrrrBrrrr B
[click]
"Constable Wombat of the Next Sketch, can I 'elp you?"
"Rudolf 'ess is committin' acts of Nazi oppression in Mrs.
'enley's roses again!"
"Can't 'elp ya, Mrs. Skinhead. We got Joseph Stalin locked
in the men's loo at the Row."
"BLIMEY! Won't that have vast and complicated repercussions
on the changing face of Eurocommunism in pre-EEC Europe?"
"No."
"You're just sayin' that to calm the masses!"
"I'm not going to have to send the van around again am I,
Mrs. Skinhead?"
"No no no . . ."
"Look, just go out there and tell Rudolf to get out of Mrs.
Henley's roses. Then throw rocks at him 'til he does."
"Thank god for the police department!"
"Sod off you old whore!" [click!]
Q: What happened to your legs, my good man?"
A: Sawed off, you old whore.
(#12 in a series of things NEVER to say to the Queen unless she
says them first)
"'oo said that, then?"
"Said wot?"
"Sawed off, you old whore."
"BLIMEY! I was just ASKIN'!"
"NO, that's wot they SAID!"
"'oo said?"
"Shut up and see wot's on the telly!!"
[click]
"We are Guns 'n Roses
We sing loud and lame
If you sing anything loud enough
It all sounds just the same!
We're Guns 'n Roses
We're Guns 'n Roses
Please buy our C-C-C-D!"
[click]
"Tonight Channel 3 News has learned that Betty Vasquez dyes her hair!"
(Yeah, like that was any big secret)
[click]
"Tonight on This Old House, we're gonna jam Norm's face into the band
saw for bein' such a smartass upstart! Oh yeah, just you wait 'til HE
forgets the building permit! I'll bet they don't shitcan him like they did
ME! Pushed ME right out the door! It was all about 'Asta Bob, C-ya!' and
I was outta a job! Fuckers."
[click]
"Doctor, what's that?!"
"It's a large pile of dung, Leela."
[click]
"In Bistol, England today, rock musician and star of Pink Floyd/
The Wall Bob Geldorf said he's had it up to his ass with worthy causes and
instead would seek huge sums of cash for personal gain.
So did Donald Trump."
(I tell that joke in the sincerest hope that history places Mr. Trump
up with others of his ilk, including Nero, Caligula, William Randolf Hearst
and Leona Helmsley, who shoulda gotten 5,000 years as ship's whore on the
Star of Bulgaria.)
[click]
"The BBC would like to announce that Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
is dead. Unfortunately she's not."
[click]
"OHHHH WILLLLLLLLBURRRRRRRRR! Not the baseball bat, Willllburrrrr!"
[click]
... tonight on Masterpiece Theater, we see episode three of Ron the
Bastard's immortal "Drop 'em, Love", a story about a man and his obsession
with sailors ...
[click]
Hi kids, Ozzy Ozbourne 'ere for Dexa-Trim
*Buuurrrrr - RAaAaAaAP*!
Gawd, sorry about that; it's the bleedin' Bangers and Bass I 'ad for
breakfast. OI! When do I get paid for this?!
[click][K
"Turn the bastard off!"
[CLICK!]
------
Why I don't give my number to people who fry anymore . . .
3:45 am:
RIIIIIING RIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIING
"Hello?"
"I just saw Gurbymurble!"
"You saw who? Who the hell is this?"
"James! I saw Gurbymurble!"
"Who the hell is Gurbymurble?"
"That Russian dude!"
"You mean Gorbachov?"
"Yeah, that dude!"
"You're calling me at 3:45 in the morning to say you saw Gorbachov on TV?!"
"No man, not on TV! I saw the dude at the 7-11!"
"What the hell would Gorbachov be doin' at the Darkville 7-11?"
"He was buyin' a pack of smokes!"
"The only reason Mikhail Gorbachov would be at the 7-11 buying a pack of
smokes at 3:45 in the morning is because you dropped five hits of acid at
midnight and have in fact seen Willy tryin' hold up the store again.
What, praytell, did this Mr. Gorbachov look like?"
"Uh, he was a tall black dude holding a .45."
"And when was the last time you saw Gorbachov holding a .45?"
"Tonight at the 7-11!"
"Uh-huh . . ."
"Hey dude! It's almost 4! What are you doin' up?"
"I'm talking to a moron."
"Aw fuck him! Listen, you won't believe what I saw!"
"You saw a black Mikhail Gorbachov holding up the 7-11 . . ."
"DUDE! Did I tell you about that?"
"YES! Yes you did, thank you!"
"I saw a 400 pound spider eat a cop!"
"Oh? And where did this little atrocity happen? Not at the 7-11
by any chance?"
"No man, on channel 31! It's a movie called 'A Big Ol' Fuckin' Spider
Eats a Cop'"
"More like '5 Hits of Acid Eats a Loadie's Brain'."
"I haven't had 5 hits of acid!"
"My sincerest apologies . . ."
"I've had 6!"
"Hang up the phone or I'm givin' the Jehovah's Witnesses your address."
"Where you think I got the 6 hits from?!"
S L A M ! !
-----
Welp, that's it for now. And remember: Don't play with yourself and drive --
it's not just a good idea, it's a good way to keep your car clean!
Wholly tactless humor (?) written by:
Mike "I'm not a writer, but I play one on TV" Beebe
(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc.
