Milk_Issue_20

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Milk

 · 5 years ago

  

Û         Û                       [MiLK]                          Û         Û 
Û         Û                                                       Û         Û 
Û         Û       Mighty                     Issue #20            Û         Û 
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       illicit             "The Terrific Safety Pin"   Û²²²²²²²²²Û 
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       Liquid                     By Epic              Û²²²²²²²²²Û 
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       Kollections                                     Û²²²²²²²²²Û 
Û²²²²²²²²²Û                                                       Û²²²²²²²²²Û 
ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ                                                       ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ 
          
          
         Safety pins are just way cool things. It would take a very wise man a 
very long time thinking to realize just how way cool they are. How cool are 
they, you ask? Well, they are WAY cool. 

        Just think of all the fun things you could do with a safety pin of 
your very own. Why, the possibilities are endless. Forget about going to the 
mall, forget about going to concerts, forget about sitting at home picking your 
nose in front of the computer, the miraculous safety pin will change your life. 
It's amazing what that little twisted sinew of metal will do for your physical, 
emotional, and social well-being. It's just fucking cool. Wear them on your 
        clothes. They are especially good for replacing broken seams, or just 
adding interest to a bland shirt, necklace, or even a sock. Put them in your 
hair. Use them instead of shoelaces. I personally believe that the safety pin is 
the most incredible thing in fashion since wooden clogs came on the scene. Aside 
from decorations from normal clothing, these wonderful objects can be used in 
just about any form of jewelry, ranging from earrings, to cock rings. And think 
of the protective benefits from wearing safety pins! It is a little known fact 
that in medieval times, they fashioned chain mail out of linked safety pins, 
providing a protection from any arrow or blade superior to any other alloy. 

        Chew on them for fulfillment. They are even tasty for an after-school 
snack. Safety pins are very nutritious also, they have no sodium, no 
cholesterol, no strychnine, no fat either! You can munch on your supply of 
safety pins constantly for weeks with no ill effects. Think of the 
possibilities! One large bag of safety pins could provide nourishment for 
thousands of starving people! 

        Even if you have a very turbulent stomach, the safety pin will not 
unhook inside of you. They are so safe, they are used as discount tampons in 
some third-world countries. How safe can you get? They are called SAFETY pins 
for god's sake.  Keep them with you at all times to prevent anything bad from 
happening. 

        Safety pins will always insure your safety. Don't bother paying huge 
premiums on insurance, safety pins will prevent car accidents, fires, and even 
theft. Just the presence of something as cool as a safety pin will direct evil 
away from you. That's right, no more freak blender or sprinkler accidents, no 
more spilled milk. Safety pins will stop you from getting nicked with a razor 
while shaving. They will also alert you of tampered Pepsi cans. It's worth so 
much, to have this utter feeling of wholeness, completeness, and overall 
security. 

        The widespread use of safety pins could end virtually all of the 
world's problems. Safety pins would put an end to corruption in governments 
across our planet. Safety pins are the answer to the hole in the ozone layer. 
With proper funding, safety pins could be used to successfully discover the cure 
for herpes simplex, cancer, even AIDZ. Safety pins drastically reduce crime 
rates everywhere. They would provide cheap housing for all of the homeless. They 
could put young adults through college, and get them started onto a path of 
fulfillment. Safety pins would end religious persecution, when everyone just 
realizes how cool they are. Safety pins are even better than safety belts, 
safety windows, and safety seals on medicine. I could go on for many more moons 
on how safety pins will improve your life, but I'll let you take the plunge and 
try them out for yourself. Your life will never be the same, and you will have 
only the hinged messiah to thank. 

        In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that safety pins are just cool. 
I hope you enjoyed this badly written text, and I hope you are proud of how many 
times I managed to use the word "safety" in it (31 to be exact). Rest well my 
sweetcakes, and dream of a brighter tomorrow. 

        MeaTZ aND GReeTZ go to the all of the following: My dear MiLK brothers, 
Jyro, The American Spleen Foundation, Blonad, "j", the inventor of Ovaltine, and 
of course, my deer-ly belove-ed... cya all 

 
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[MiLK] Issue Number -   20 
[MiLK] Issue Size -     5712 Bytes 
[MiLK] Date of Production:      3/12/93 

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