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M00se Droppings Issue 36
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-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! --
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #36| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 16, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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************************************* STAFF ************************************
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Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!
It's off to tests we go!
But now, to relieve
the Finals Week Blues,
Here's a new issue
...uh...
FOR ALL OF YOUSE! :)
Why's this in rhyme? I haven't the time, to figure out questions like
that! Etc. etc. etc.....
Hi all!
Well, here it is, the final issue of M00se Droppings for this month,
semester, year, and DECADE! (Feeling old? Fnord.)
Happy Holidays to everyone! I'll "see" you all next decade! (Of course,
THEY are watching you all the time! Fnord.)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Jonathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
Fellow M00ses:
I have a favor to ask. While working on the computer system here in
Alaska, I have been constantly pestered by a relatively bothersome user. I keep
getting volumes of mail from her saying such things as "Hi Jon!" or "How are you
today?" and nothing else. It has gotten MORE than annoying.
I wish to call upon my fellow m00ses for a boon. I think the time has
come to subject this user to summary "Torture by M00se Mailing." She doesn't
have Bitnet access, so she won't be able to respond to the flood of mail we can
send her. I would like all m00ses who read this to send at least one (1) mail
message to FSEJR@ALASKA.BITNET saying somthing stupid like "Hi Erica!" or "Merry
Christmas, Erica!", or "Is is cold up there in Alaska?"
Imagine a mail junkie getting dozens of sensless mail messages, and
being unable to reply to any of them. Can you think of a worse torture? (if so,
send it to FSJPC@ALASKA)
Thank you all! I really appreciate this! :)
Bl000000000000000000p. ;^)
-Jonathan
JPC/pgs
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From WALL@SBCCVM.BITNET
he knows when you are sleeping
he knows when you're awake
he knows if you've been good or bad.....
santa sounds like the NSA
wall
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From KRWALKER@AMHERST.BITNET
*** The Twelve Days of Christmas (exact author unknown)
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear
tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle
doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back
to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love
your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986
Fred,
What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans
a swimming". What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over
the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep
at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986
Hey Shithead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these
sluts "ladies". They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed
me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole
Attorney
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been checking on the mythical M00se Illuminati Shirts, and the guy
who was going to do them is in England until Fnord knows when.
BUT! I have a friend here in Buffalo who makes shirts, so I'll see if we
can whip up something nifty! :)
Stay tuned....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Keep sending in submissions, as I'll need em next mon/sem/year/decade.
Else you'll all keep reading stuff I dig out of my subdirectories! Heh heh heh!
:)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
HAVE YOU EVERRRRR NOTICED:
(for a bit o' holiday cheer)
SANTA CLAUS?
Yes, Santa is a long-standing tradition in our typically bland American
society, and stands as a watchdog of current morality. But think for a moment.
What IS this Santa Claus?
1) A pagan tradition. Even St. Nickolas (or however you spell his name)
is a pagan tradition adopted by the Catholic Church upon contact with the
germanic tribes of the north. He's a PAGAN.
2) He is a capitalist moneymonger. What better way to brainwash small
children into blind faith in a capitalistic society than to reward "proper"
social behavior with gifts that ultimately do little except feed the capitalist
imperialist society more and more--and love of money distracts men from the
true meaning of Christmas.
3) He is a voyeur. "He knows when you are sleeping/He knows when you're
awake". Need I say more?
4) He wears a red suit.
5) Have you ever examined the letters that comprise his name? S. A. N.
T. A.. Rearranged, they give us his true identity:
SATAN!!!!!!!!
Think about it--red suit? pagan? voyeuristic? capitalistic? claus? It can
all mean only one thing. Santa Claus is the devil himself. Watch and beware
of his evil influences this holiday season. Merry whatever. :)
---the Talking Drumm00se
<ARD90@GENESEO.BITNET>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(From ANTEK@TAMBIGRF.BITNET)
For everybody - Christmas greetings in :
Armenian...Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri-Azerbaijan...Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque..Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Berri Urte
Bulgarian...Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo. Tchestita Nova Godina
Chinese-Cantonese...Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Chinese-Mandarin...Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Czech...Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Dutch...Zalig Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar
English... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Estonian...Roomsaid Joulu Phui ja Uut Aastat
Finnish...Hyvaa Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Voutta
French..Joyeux Noel et heureuse Anne
Gaelic-Irish..Nolag mhaith Dhuit Agus Bliain Nua Fe Mhaise
Gaelic-Scot..Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
German..Frohliche Weihnachten und ein Glueckliches Neues Jahr
Greek...Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Ethos
Hawaiian...Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauloi Makahiki hou
Hebrew..Mo'adim Lesimkha
Hungarian...Boldog Karacsonyl es Ujevl Unnepeket
Icelandic..Gledlig jol og Nyar
Indonesian..Selamah Tahun Baru
Italian..Buon Natalie e felice Capo d'Anno
Japanese..Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Korean..Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian...Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lithuanian...linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu
Norse-Danish...Gledlig jul og godt Nytt Aar
Polish...Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i Szczesliwego Nowego Roku
Portuguese...Feliz Natal e propero Ano Novo
Rapa-Nui (Easter Island)..Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian...Sarbatori Fericite. La Multi Ani
Russian...Pozdrevlyayu sprazdnikom Rozhdestva Khristova is Novim Godom
Samoan...La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Serb-Croatian...Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
Singhalese (Sri Lanka)...Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak...Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene..Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish...Feliz Navidad y prospero Ano Nuevo
Swedish...Glad jul och ett gott Nytt ar
Tagalog (Filipino) .. Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Turkish...Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler dilerim
Ukrainian...Veselykh Svyat i scaslivoho Novoho Roku
Welsh..Nadolic Llawen. Blwyddn Newdd Dda
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Twas the night before Xmas
the lab was quite still
Not a bunsen was burning
(Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
in their racks with great care
In hopes Father Chemistry
soon would be there.
The students were sleeping
so sound in their dorms
all dreaming of fluids
and crystalline forms.
Lab-aides in their aprons
and I in my smock
Were sitting, recov'ring
from semester-end shock.
When outside the lab
there arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
and fell flat on the floor.
Out to the fire escape
all of us flew
What was the commotion?
None of us knew.
The flood lights shone out
o'er the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
on Nobel Prize night.
My fume blinded eyes
then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
a water-trough sleigh.
And holding the bonds
tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
as our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
of most X-rays they came
As they Dopplered along,
he called each one by name.
"Now, Nitrite, now Phosphate,
now Borate, now Chloride,
On Citrate, on Bromate,
on Sulfite and Oxide.
Forget what you know
of that randomness stuff,
Let's go straight to the roof,
if you've quanta enough."
As fluids Bernoullian
behave in a pinch
Those ions said, "Alchemist,
this is a cinch!"
So up to the lab-roof
those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
in his water-trough sled.
Just a micro-sec later
Electroscopes showed
Charged particles coming
to our lab abode.
We raced back inside
And what do you think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
right into the sink.
He was dressed in a lab coat,
quite ragged and old
With removable buttons
(the style, we're told!)
A tray full of beakers
he clutched to his heart
And under his arm,
was an orbital chart.
His eyes, through his goggles,
I just couldn't see,
His hands were all yellow
from H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald
with a fringe all around
Like a ring test for iron,
the same shade of brown.
He puffed a cigar
with a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth
from his angular face
And with Brownian movement,
enveloped the place.
He was thin as a match
and not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
I'd expect at all.
But a look at his clothes,
in the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid burned holes-
He's a chemist all right!
He didn't say much
(he had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
with nary a spill.
Then placed them back
on the benches with care
He dashed to the fume hood
and rose through the air.
He called to his team
and his ions took off
And kinetics took care
of Pop Chem in his trough.
But I heard him cry out
as he flew down the street
"Merry Christmas to all,
may your stockrooms stay neat!"
Compliments of my old Chem prof!!
Irish DreamM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Poems Written for Chemistry 103
by: The Mad Poet
*************************************************************************
Chem. 103
I think that I will never be
Awake for morning Chemistry.
The monotonal lecturing
Could put to sleep most anything.
While lofty theorems fall like rain,
My concentration starts to wane.
As I drift off, I wonder why
A lecture beats a lullaby.
Ode to a Chem. Prof.
A prof. who makes frequent mistakes
Likes to think that he has what it takes.
So he's made up a ruse
To cover his goofs -
He's just keeping his classes awake!
Classroom Chills
Through classes near and classes far,
Through classes new and old,
I wish that Building Maint'nance
Wouldn't keep the rooms so cold!
For even though I know the cold
Should keep us all awake,
Quite groggily I find that
I've begun to hibernate.
And as I watch my breath condense -
In steaming clouds it blows -
I realize I have icicles
A-forming on my nose.
The danger is that, though
My being here *might* help me pass,
*Survival* may be tough
With hypothermia in class!
Full-Professorship
The Doctor had a lecture class,
But he was such a dud
That every time he lectured there,
His words were clear as mud.
He didn't give a syllabus
To his befuddled class,
And actually he didn't care
If anybody passed.
If everybody failed -
Why it was in all of the rules -
He'd just go on next year
To fail another bunch of fools.
What rule could let him do this?
If you said, "It's age!" well then you're
Getting close because
What our dear Doctor has is *tenure*!
The Party
Please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan.
Please don't just tell me to stow it.
I really don't think the professor would mind.
In fact, shucks, he just wouldn't know it.
I know you all want to be learning in class
About vectors and gas density,
But what would it hurt if you took the day off
And started a party with me?
We would smuggle refreshments inside our bookbags.
We'd have walkmans for music galore.
We would spread ourselves out there behind the back rows,
And party there on the floor!
We'd have chips and wine coolers and pretzels and beer,
Soda and pizza and wings.
We would listen to music and play five card stud -
Why, we could do most anything.
The professor's so out of it, he'd just teach class
To the few die hard students remaining.
I really don't think that he'd notice at all
That his classroom attendance was waning.
So please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan:
You know how much fun it would be
To spread yourselves out there behind the back rows
And come have a party with me.
A Health Hazard
For those poor infirm members of our happy little class,
For those who carry books of more than half their body mass,
For those who, weak of heart and lung, do dwell upon these lines,
I have a word of warning you might ponder in your minds.
The Surgeon General has said that smoking isn't good,
And all of you have heard him, and yes, most have understood.
But yet another danger lurks! You should be made aware
Of the hazard that exists in climbing much too many stairs.
As you climb up, your pulse and breathing rates leap up so high,
That you can feel a heart attack is lurking just nearby.
Since you abuse your muscles, both your legs begin to cramp;
Because you sweat profusely, soon your clothing is quite damp.
The stairs outside the lecture hall: a good example, true,
And climbing all six flights of stairs cannot be good for you.
So all health-conscious students - never mind trying to pass!
You shouldn't risk a heart attack - unite and boycott class!
The Mad Poet is a creation of Kirsten Anderson, (LoreleiM00se) V123P62M@UBVMS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TWEEZE DENIED BEEF WORKER ISTHMUS
(twas the night before christmas)
Tweeze denied beef worker isthmus, winnow Trudy how's,
Snot agreed juries during, gnaw Tiffany moss.
This talking swear unbided Gemini wit cairn
Hint opus scenic (alas!) sinewy dare.
Unjelled runner nozzle tools smuggling deer butts
Well fissions unshoe kerplunks thence endear huts.
Anemometer cur chiffon dyeing mayhap,
Adjust subtle warp reins fairy loin winger snap.
Winnow taunted launderer roast sachet glitter
Ice brine bromide bet deucey woodwinds schemata.
Await Tudor widower blue lacking flesh,
Door roping tier shatters untrue hump these ash.
Demonian depressed often knew felines know
Gaffe cholesterol metier due abjects elope.
Wane wood tummy wandering ice shittah pear,
Vital men etchers lay mandate tidy Rainier.
Whittle it whole dolt river salival equipt,
Sinewy mom aunt isthmus bee-stain nicked.
Mere rabbit-torn evils whose gorses became
Any weaseled end shuttered, uncool tomboy maim.
"Node azure! No Dunce era! No France urine fixing!
Uncommit! And cubit! Andante ran vexing!
Toady tipoff deport chew detypify well!
Gnaw dish aweigh, dish aweigh, dish aweigh awl!"
Asked relieves dot beef forty whiled hurry queen fry,
Wind emit wooden apse stickle, mountie-desk eye,
Sew-up two-deep how stop duck horsers dubloon,
Witty slave fallow toils, ascend nickel loss due.
Ant tending at weakling - why hurt honor roof?
A brain sinning Boeing effete shiney huff.
Aside ruin mayhap untwist darning neuron
Bounding gym knee-scent knick (alas!) game winning pound.
Iwis tressed woolen furze promise etuis food,
Anus closed whorled varnished wood asses in suits.
Abound olived oils (egad!) flunk honor speck,
Any luck lockup addler chest (hope?) nimbus peck.
Assai Saudi twin calloused temples amore!
Exchequer lachryosis, whizz snows locket jury.
Estrual litter mouse wash thrown applique beau,
Amdahl biered honest Genesis weight hostess know.
Distempered ape pie pea yelled tiding is steed,
Undies mocha answer cul de sac lackey reed.
Egad! Abroad fastener litter hound bully
Achoo! quaintly left, lacking bull feeling jolly.
Iwis champion blimp -- arrayed chilly wool delve,
Any left whinney sow hymn, enspied off Moselle.
An oink office sigh unto whist office hood
Swoon gamey tonneau ahead knitting two tread.
Ease poke naught award, Beduoin strayed duets orc,
Infield eldest tuggings; interned witty chert,
End lioness fanger a sight office gnus,
Ant gibbon unknot, upon chimpanzee rows.
Hasp Rangoon is lay, due esteem guava wistful,
Ending weight day elf loo, lacking town ova tassle;
Buddy herding explain air hedge rowboat design,
"Hopping rich musty woolen due awl incondite!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*
(The Mickey Mouse Club in the Spanish Inquisition)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why did I just shit in my pants? Did anyone else do it too?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, most people in your area also did -- a low-frequency sound wave
} caused sympathetic vibrations that made many people lose control of
} their anal sphincters. Don't be ashamed!
[ed. note - Hmm! It appears THEY are developing NEW ways to control us!
I could envision lots of possibilities for crowd control fnord here! ;^) -Pat]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Every night while she sleeps, my girlfriend slowly changes into a
> shapeless blob of pulsating flesh, still wrapped in her own skin. By
> morning she is herself again, and apparently none the wiser. Should I
> tell her about this?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I hope the Oracle has the answer to this most difficult question: Why
> does my 25 year old son keep seeing a girl that he has broken up with
> and only gives him grief? A puzzled mother wants to know!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hold it, the Oracle needs to switch modes for this one. What was the
} magic word for the German Psychaiatrist again? Oh yes: Goot Zex! Goot
} Zex! Goot Zex! Goot..
}
} [blur blur blur]
}
} Ja! Dat ees much better! Vell, ve schall see joost vat ees vrong vit
} your son, Frau Vorryvart.
}
} He ees 25 years old, eh? I vould say dat he is doing just vhat he damn
} vell pleases, den! Actually, he ees seeing zis girl solely for der
} poorpose of making you und nutzkopf. You should haff never given him
} such a vhipping over that broken bowl vhen he vas drei years old.
}
} Actually, eef you vould just meet zis girl vitout your son around, you
} vould see she ain't so bat after all, eh?
}
} So, quit meddling vit his bizness, unt get on vit your more pressing
} matters, like vhen ees he going to produce some grandtchildren ver you
} und Herr Vorryvart.
}
} Now, how vas dat I get back to zee normal Oracle? Oh ja, Veert Answers!
} Veert Answers! Veert Answers! Veert...
}
} [blur blur blur]
}
} You owe the Oracle a better German accent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> What would be a good question to ask you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} To start off, that WAS a good question.
}
} Other good questions include...
} Why is the soap dish always in line with the water in the shower?
} What is the correct response to "Thanks for calling!"
} What is the correct response to "What's up?"
} Do we have the right to an attorney being present on Judgment Day?
} Why did Ronald Reagan have to wait until AFTER he left office to
} have his brain fixed?
} Why do health food fanatics not look so healthy?
} Was Manuel Noriega any fun when he was a kid?
} If diamonds tasted like chocolate, would people actually eat them?
} Why don't acoustic guitars have wa-wa sticks?
} Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission Bush promised us?
} Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with
} cigarette butts?
} Why are places that are open 24 hours have locks on the doors?
} Why does the lighter flame drop to an unusable height every time you try
} to do a bong load?
}
} Just to get you started.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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Maybe next decade..... :-)
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Will be sent under separate cover, as this issue is quite large already,
(And I don't have it yet from Darkling M00se! :) )
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-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! --
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