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M00se Droppings Issue 27
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Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #27| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 19, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Greetings,
Summer is truly here, and with it (as usual) is the age old question, "What
is there to do now?!?" To combat summer doldrums, here are some silly M00sey
things to do:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drink papaya juice (for GypsyLynx)
Have a M00se Thr0ng-A-Thon
See Batman!!!!
Read the _Illuminatus!_ Trilogy
See Star Trek V
Eat Illuminati Bars
Eat Hostess Twinkies (not the Strawberry ones *blech*)
Go fishing (Spaceman Biff!)
Play the Illuminati game (a personal fav. of CTSTATEU)
Write articles for M00se Droppings
Read Ann Rice's Vampire books (very good and weird)
Visit Connecticut *grin* (plug)
Bl00p at Bavarians!
Plague Starfire!!! (send her E-mail, she loves it!)
Invite Strange M00ses to your neck of the woods..
Visit the Pink Iguana Tavern!
Have a Scamp sighting..
Send Pickle champagne :*)
Have a Lord Sabre sighting...
Write articles for M00se Droppings
Bl00p at tourists...
Visit Connecticut for a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Thon!
See Buckaroo Banzai for the 10th time!
Visit with your fellow M00ses!!
Write articles for M00se Droppings
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If you still can't think of anything to do...well, you can always send E-mail
to Starfire, just saying hello.... *evil grin*
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
Gee thanx Frank...it's been raining for the past three weeks now... glub glub..
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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We M00ses in CT are planning on making Batman the Movie a M00sey event! What
M00sey things are happening in the rest of the world? So far the Wesleyan
crowd, Trinity and Hartford are interested in attending. Batman is supposed to
be making his big debut on June 23! For info on meeting and etc..call me
(goblin) at 224-7835 or send E-Mail
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin). The weekend
of the M-T-A-T is still in the air, help us to pick a weekend. We are still up
in the air about the place of gathering also..(sheesh what do we know?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
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Reports of the state of Connecticut floating away are held to be rumors..
M00ses all over have started to pawn their very own Elvis Presley memorabilia,
to buy rubber m00se shaped rafts.
(For first class ARK tickets contact CLAFFEY_JOR@CTSTATEU)
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Stay tuned next issue for the adventures of SPLATMAN and the Boy Blunder!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There ain't no Thelma here!
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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More Zany songs from the M00sical M00ses..
CRAZY THR0NG, Vol. II
=====================
Fuzzy Gund the Archm00se
tramped into the room,
he said I have no commitment to this
and I have no commitment to that.
Sad as a lonely little bald m00se,
he said well I don't claim to be happy about this, m00se,
and I don't seem to be happy 'bout that.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng.
She says she knows about thr0ngs
this time the thr0ng is after me,
Well, I have no commitment to them,
and they have no commitment to me.
Somebody could trample into this room
and say your fur is on fire,
it's all over the evening boards,
all about the fire on your fur
on the evening boards.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng.
Fuzzy Gund the Archm00se
files for his boss,
he says well this will eat up a year of my growth,
and then maybe this thr0ng will get lost.
She says the thr0ng is out for me,
I say the thr0ng is out for her,
I said I have no commitment to them--
well, we'll just have to wait for the herd.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng.
THAT WAS YOUR MA M00SE
======================
A long time ago, bl00p,
before you were born a m00se,
when I was still a calf
and thr0ngs were great,
I held this job as a traveling salesm00se,
that kept me herded from state to state.
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
state of Confusion,
wondering where a city m00se could go,
to get a little conversation
slurp a little red wine,
catch a little bit of those Buffalo m00se,
dancing to Zydem00.
Along came a young m00se,
she's pretty as a matchbook,
hairy as a hostess on Christmas day,
I said "oh Bl00p!" could this be my luck,
if that's a matchbook,
Lord let us mate!
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
state of Confusion,
wondering what a city m00se could do,
to get her in a convertible,
slurp a little red wine,
dance to the music of Clifton CheM00se
the King of the Bay00
Well that was your ma-m00se,
and that was your bull-m00se,
before you were born a m00se,
when thr0ngs were great.
You are the burden of my generation,
but I sure do love you,
so let's celebrate!
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
across the lot from Fargo,
heading down to the Richmond Cafe.
Maybe get a little indigestion,
slurp a little red wine,
standing in the shadow of Clifton CheM00se,
Bl00ping the night away!
*---BritM00se and Mel0dy,
The Musical M00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have this gem thanx to the folks at Wesleyan... :^)
Star Trash The Next Generation...
##########################################################################
[The scene: The U.S.S. Enterprise is in orbit around the planet Toupee,
reputed to be the home of an unknown intelligent race. Worf, Riker, and Troi
have beamed down to the surface. They are standing in a swamp. Back on board
the Enterprise, Data, Wesley, Geordie, Picard, and the token Engineering Chief
from the British Isles are at their stations.]
{Cheesy Theme Music}
Picard: Number one, report
Riker:We're in a swamp
Picard:(Nervously fingering his bald pate)Not good enough, number one
Riker:We're in a really big swamp, and Troi is lifting up her skirt to avoid
getting her uniform dirty, providing a great view of her legs.
Picard:That's better. Put them on screen, Wesley.
Wesley:Gosh, the landing party, sir?
Picard:No, ensign. Troi's legs.
Wesley:Yes, SIR! I've hit puberty and gosh, it's great!
Geordie:Lookin' good, Troi!
Troi:I feel...male hormones surging around me...it's wonderful
Worf:Growl
Riker:Wait, Captain, there's something moving in the trees.
Troi:I feel...someone's hand on my thigh...
Worf:Let me kill it, sir!
Picard:Cut it out, Number One.
Riker:But it's not me, sir. It's...AAaaaagghhhh!!!
Picard:Number One? Come in, Number One!
Data:We've lost contact, sir
[screen goes blank from Picard's anguished stare
Tune in next time for more rehashed plots!
##########################################################################
Picking up where we left off...
Picard:Beam them up immediately!
Token Accent:Aye sir!
Picard:Okay, bridge crew, everyone with intelligence down to the transporter
room. Second rate incompetents, the helm is yours
Ensign Large Blue Squidoid:Hrurh Bluh Gruhuh (Meaning, Thanks, Sir. Gee, Your
head is shiny today.)
{Transporter Room}
Riker:Well, sir, we're back.
Worf:Captain, we've destroyed the hostile life forms. Fuck the Prime
Directive.
Data:Captain, something is amiss. Specifically, I refer to the presence of a
life form superficially resembling human hair on Lt. Worf's skull.
Wesley:Gosh, it looks like Deanna has chest hair.
Troi:Captain, I feel great...embarrassment. Can I show off my thighs again?
Geordie:Good Lord, Riker has one, too!
Data:No, Geordie. That is merely his beard.
Worf:Growl. We should destroy these beings immediately. Besides, I look
like...a human.
Geordie:Why not? You're already a yuppie.
Wesley:Look, Captain, the one on Deanna's chest! It's moving!
Riker:I'll grab it.
Token Accent:Och. I just had to say that.
Picard:I'll deal with this, Number One.
Data:Watch out, sir.
{It jumps onto Picard's head}
Data:It appears to have jumped onto the captain's head.
{Shot closes with close up of Picard's ecstatic face.}
More soon....
(For more episodes send to WITHALL@CTSTATEU and I will send it all...)
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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Here are the next installments of The Prophecies According to Lord Trelf
for May and June. [But first I would like to put in a small topical comment.
My prophecies may be odd, but on one day - Sunday, June 4 - the Chinese
Army marched into a square and killed several hundred students, the
Ayatollah Khomeni died, and two Trans-Siberian Railways trains exploded
next to each other, killing hundreds of children...this shit is stranger than
anything I could come up with.] And now, on to the prophecies ------
May -
A quiet month, as the first half of it was spent in world-wide
celebration of the anniversary of the birth of Lord Trelf. Lord Trelf's
actual whereabouts are unknown at that time, but it is rumored that he
has made an abode for himself on the surface of the moon and is
watching over the earth. Almost overnight a major cult springs into being.
It's followers, The Worshippers of His High Holy Trelfness, announce that
they have received direct word from the demi-god that he has been watching
the occurrences of the past months and will eventually take a hand in the
turmoil to restore peace and order in the lands. The Dark Queen laughs
the beliefs off, calling them "even more ridiculous than some of Sonny's
old sexual fantasies regarding me and a pool of.......never mind! Get back
to work!!!!!" Kind Richard of the Low Body-Fat Content was quoted as saying,
"It would be nice if he [Lord Trelf] were watching over our struggle against
the Dark Queen, but it is even more far-fetched than Sonny Bono's old
fantasies about me and a vat of....never mind! Now Side Kicks to the left...
9 more......8 more......."
Elvis Presley, Consort to the Dark Queen, launched a one-man crusade
against what he called "that )^$%#)^^???!!!!@$#&$****@@@@@@!!!!!" Mr.
Presley was referring to rap music. Joining him, surprisingly, were
Elvis Costello, Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, and Bob Geldof. Calling
themselves "Two Guys Named Elvis, Two Guys Named Paul, and Someone
named Bob Against That Damned Monkey Music", they set out to destroy
all rap singers.
June -
Nothing happened in June...it rains too damn much in June.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More insanity from the guy who brought you mollusks...
Bl00p!!!
Howdy there! Spaceman Biff! on this end of the transmitting
thing-gummy! (Yes, the exclamation point IS part of the nick... aren't
y'all jealous that Y'ALL didn't think to put punctuation into y'all's nicks?
Nyaah, nyaah, nyaah, boo, boo!)) Anyway, I haven't time to write a long
submission, so I'll pose a question for the 0racle, or any other m00se
who might like a crack at it. Here we go:
If CBS Anchorwoman Connie Chung were to divorce her rock star
husband, Wang, and marry Sean Lingus, the air travel magnate
whose great uncle Fearghal Lingus formed the Irish line
_Aer Lingus_, would it be a violation of FCC rules to broadcast
her full name if she were to compete on an all new version of
the Battle of the Network T & A? ("Just look at that, folks!
Ms. Connie Lingus just lapped Loni Anderson")
Just Wondering,
--Spaceman Biff!
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******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
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More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Where has all the flour gone?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Obviously the Questioner has quite a large cockroach problem. The Oracle
will, even though it was not asked, list the two proven effective ways of
eliminating all cockroaches in one's dwelling place:
1. Plug all the cracks in the house/apartment. Don't forget the door.
Then turn on the water; come back in a week. Note that roaches cannot
breathe water.
2. Buy a large bottle of boric acid crystals from any drug store. The
theory behind this method is that roaches need hiding places. Simply
use the boric acid in your sandblaster to remove all hiding places
(e.g. the stove)
While there are less drastic methods, those are for people who have less
drastic problems.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Have you ever been in love? How did you know that you were?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
I have indeed been in love several times and in several different
ways. Since I don't know which you mean, I'll try to cover them all.
First, I have indeed visited the charming French province of Love. As
to how I knew I was there, that was easy. I had taken the right map,
seen the sign that said (in French) Welcome to Love, and could have
further confirmed my location by asking any of the friendly residents
there. Of course, that wouldn't have ruled out the possibility of a
conspiracy against me, so I guess I can't be positive, but it seems
reasonable. Come to think of it, that restaurant DID look a bit
suspicious. But no, enough of that, my doctor has assured me that I
am not the victim of a conspiracy.
Second, I have also...Wait a minute. That doctor has an accent! He
must be a spy or something! Yes, of course! There is a conspiracy,
and I never was in Love at all! They must have been trying to get
information out of me or something! That little dog that kept following
me must have been the mastermind in disguise! Yes, of course! Wait,
no, STOP! Control...yes, that's it...now where's my medicine? Ah,
ok, take the pill and deep breath. Much better.
Third, I have been in L.O.V.E., a counter-espionage group. Unfortunately,
I cannot tell you what L.O.V.E. stands for, as it is top-secret. Indeed,
I should not have told you that L.O.V.E. exists, but to hell with them,
they all turned against me anyway!
Fourth, I was once enamoured of a lovely young woman. Her skin was like
silk, and she had a heart-shaped birthmark, right under her...OK, I
WILL tell you what L.O.V.E. stands for! Why should I be loyal to them
after they betrayed me? Besides, I'm almost positive that two of them
were following my when I was in Love! Damn them! OK, here it is, the
secret that could destroy the world, and it's in your hands:
<<chunk, gurgle, and other semi-gruesome sound-effects...>>
Attention. You will please disregard this message. The man who sent
it was a sick man who only meant to cause trouble. There is no such
place as Love, and certainly no such organisation as L.O.V.E. There
is, in short, no way anyone could possibly be in love.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
M00seName: Goblin
Chapter Name: Lisa A. Withall
SCA-Name: Undecided (Viking persona)
Life Form: Vegged..
Sex: Male ___ Female _X_ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
Purity Quotient: _78%_ on months that begin with Z...
Present Residence: 93-31 Clinic Drive
New Britain, CT 06051
(203)224-7835
Description:
Age: 20.000
Height: 5'4"
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Look mildly athletic and am an average looking mundane..often seen
dressed in jeans and sweatshirts...been sighted in medieval garb from
time to time..
Music: Vivaldi(four seasons), Dire Straits, Talking Heads,
Scottish and Irish songs, and Rock...
SCA Interests: Brewing, garb making, medieval cooking, armor making, sewing
fighting, and making friends.
Goals: To terraform the universe into a giant Twinkie-Farm/commune.
To get at least one issue of M00se Droppings out on time and
to visit with M00ses from all over the Galaxy.
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FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
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The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: Thomas Samuel Zemanian
Nickname(s): Spaceman Biff!, Sticklerod, Osbone, MacGyatron
Life Form: "Life?!!! You call this a Life??!!!"
Sex: Male Female ___ When Appropriate XXX
Net Address: See M00selists Purity Quotient: 174.32 ppb.
Description: 220 lbs of rock solid wimp over an avertebral
(spineless) cartilaginous framework molded into
the spirit and image of the guy who used to do the
voice for Charlie the Tuna on the old Starkist com-
mercials before Phil Silver did, only rotated by 90 deg.
Favourite Saying: "When in Rome, do as the Parisians do"
Other Stuff: I like to fish, brew beer, elucidate the equilibria
of high pressure hydrocarbon mixtures, play bass
guitar, handbells, and the inscrutable Tuned Squid,
and in my spare time I make decorative tie-tacs out
of my neighbor's discarded olive pits and SS 304
hose clamps.
Well that's about it. Oh yeah, watch out, piscine world! Lord Trelf
caught a fish recently, and his zeal for piscinocapturotology shows
no signs of abating in the near future. (I must say, though, that I
prefer alluring to abating when I go fishing, but that's just my angle.)
Long Live Lord Trelf! Seig Heil den GrossenZwerg! Viva la Cucharacha
Grande! Omelette du Fromage'! (Those darn French.)
Still Lost In The Ozone,
--Spaceman Biff!
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