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M00se Dr00l Issue 2
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| ISSUE 2 January 1990 |
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| To boldly dr00l where no m00se has dr00led before. |
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We casually bring to you yet another issue to ring in the "Decade of Dr00l."
-Mike Oose
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M00SE DR00L STAFF
Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief
Subscriptions
Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet)
Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors
Paul Latypus (badair@drunivac.bitnet)
Martin Oose (pcoen@drunivac.bitnet)
Michaela Oose (jrutberg@drew.bitnet) Guest Columnists
Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to?
Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU!
Coming Soon! An editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If we
like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff!
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HOW TO MAKE MOOSE CALLS
It's easier than you think!
(by Michele and Michaela Oose)
I. Introduction: Does a moose care what it sounds like?
Think about it. Does a moose think of what he is going to sound like before
he says anything? No. And neither should you when it comes to imitating
a moose. To become adept at this surprisingly simple task, follow these few
simple directions.
II. Step two: The Attitude
First, you must think like a moose. Close your eyes and think mooselike
thoughts. What would you think if you were a moose? Picture yourself with
antlers. Do not actually put a pair of antlers on your head to see what it
would feel like. This will do nothing for your concentration and will get
you many strange looks. Your family probably worries about you too much as
it is.
III. The actual trial: Is it live, or is it Memorex?
Concentrate. Picture in your mind what a moose call would sound like, and
let it out of your system. THINK like the moose. SPEAK like the moose.
BECOME ONE with the moose. Remember, not many people living today would
recognize an actual moose call if they heard one. They will never know the
difference.
IV. Practice
As with any other activity, practice makes perfect. This applies also to
the art of moose calling. If you are uncomfortable about showing your newly
acquired skill in large groups of company, practice in the privacy of your
own home or in an isolated area. Be warned, though, about making moose calls
out in the wilderness. The actual creatures may be offended.
Good luck. And may the Moose be with you.
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(Due to popular demand, we bring to you the third chapter in this
intriguing saga of Travis and Phyllis.)
Travis and Phyllis, the Trashy Story
by Michael Oose
Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having
been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves
better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I
could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she
had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs.
"Oh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their
escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal.
While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that
was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they
found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis
spied a piece of lingerie.
"Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their
passion inflamed.
"Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials."
she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another
that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt.
Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor
belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the
baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The
conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main
terminal of the airport.
While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously
removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They
paid no notice, however, and continued...
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Horrorscopes for the month of January, 1990 in the year of our Moose.
(by Manny and Michele Oose)
Aries, the twisted antlered moose : Expect nothing special. The twisted
antlers of Aries are especially warped this time of year. We recommend that
you hibernate through this month. You won't miss anything.
Taurus, the bull-headed moose : Stop being so damn stubborn. You won't get
your way unless you take to blackmail. Be wary of men with funny looking
caps.
Gemini, the twin mooses : Taking part in a doublemint gum commercial could be
a bad career move. It will alert hunters to your location. You will also
discover that you have a long lost brother who is into disco and gold chains.
Cancer, the smoking moose : You are going to get very sick. Other mooses will
not invite you to their parties because of a dark cloud that surrounds your
head. Floss your antlers.
Leo, the roaring moose : Sit down and listen for a change. This might be a
good time to lay low and avoid large trucks. Take this time for a vacation in
Hawaii, or get your antlers trimmed.
Virgo, the you-know moose : Wipe that smirk off your face. Kiss a frog and
your outlook on life just might change. Look to the stars for a visitor from
out of town. Don't let them stay more than a week.
Libra, the well-balanced moose : You are about to take a long trip. The
people there will speak funny, and it will be cold. In the end you will enjoy
it, but bring your antlers as carry-on luggage, or you could be in for a big
surprise.
Scorpio, the poisonous moose : This is a good month to go food shopping. You
must remember, however, that the shopping cart is not a pull toy. You will
find a long lost relative in the frozen foods section.
Aquarius, the drooling moose : If you don't get help for this quite disgusting
habit of yours, you could be in for some real embarrassment. Remember, the
first step is to admit that you have a problem. Clean up your act.
Capricorn, the moose of the month : This is your time, dahling. Open your
eyes to the beauty of the world, and be happy. Become one with your
Mooseness. You will finally catch a truck this month.
Pisces, the fishy moose : Something smells bad, and it's probably the Chinese
food. Also, be careful what you step in. Your friends will be shocked if you
serve the chocolate moose at your next party.
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Obituaries
(by Manny Oose)
DATELINE: DREW UNIVERSITY OCTOBER 25, 1989
A terrible accident has occurred here at Drew University that has authorities
completely baffled. It seems that the local VAX Zoo Keeper was the victim
of a cruel and merciless attack by what appears to be the kindly and innocent
looking animals kept here in the zoo.
"There are slide trails all the way back to the platypus pool, and a wombat
hole only feet away from the crime," says Drew Security officer Dun Kin.
"He was badly gored by the antlers of a large animal," he continues, "and we
strongly believe that the moose was involved, however, we have been unable to
get into the Harappa Pen to question the suspect."
When we approached one of the animals for comment, he quickly retorted, "I'm
glad he's dead. He kept making us get back in the cages. He used to torment
that poor moose to no end as well." With that, he turned and fled into the
night, in what appears to be a free night on the town for these creatures.
Authorities are unwilling to make comment on whether or not the bizarre death
of the zoo keeper, and a recent cactus suicide are related, but you can bet
that I, the roving reporter, shall keep you informed of further developments
in this case.
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Moose Tipping
(by Manny and Martin Oose)
My fellow m00ses...
I am here today to talk to you about a vile and terrible practice known as
"moose-tipping." I don't know about you, but it bothers me that I can't get
a good nights sleep with all those college students sneaking up and pushing
me over as I rest. If that's not bad enough, my antlers get stuck in the
mud, and when the mud freezes... brrrrrr... I'm sure I don't have to tell
you about antler frost. What are we to do about this?
Let's, for discussion's sake, create a hypothetical activity to perform on
sleeping humans. The human (say, her name is Diana) is sound asleep, totally
oblivious to the world. Mind you--this is rest sleep. We are making no
claims as to her normal state. Our intrepid band of m00ses creeps into her
room, carefully avoiding the waking of her roommate. They surround her bed
and stare at her for a few minutes, just to see if Diana will wake up and
notice. Then, slowly, they start to exhale on her. Clouds of noxious (to a
human) m00se breath float around her head. This still is not enough to rouse
the slumbering college student; step three must go forward. The m00ses start
to drool on her pillow. This will almost always cause any human to wake up
screaming--or at least give them the oddest dreams. Should this fail as well,
the m00se band could resort to such tactics as stomping around the room and
over the bed.
However, it works and Diana awakes with a scream of terror. The m00ses
immediately run out of the room and the building. The next morning, the now
hopelessly neurotic Diana is sent home to the care of her parents. It will be
some years before she is able to sleep soundly again.
If we were to do this to humans, they would be outraged. Why should they
treat us in ways that they do not wish to be treated? I say that all m00ses,
from this time forward, should wake a human whenever possible, until such a
day as they discontinue the practice of moose-tipping.
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Assorted Moose Curses
(from the mouth of Michael Oose)
"May your antlers droop."
Believed to have originated somewhere in Southern California, this
curse echoes the sentiments of the age-old adage of "like totally
droopy dude."
"May you fall in love with a cow."
This actually occurred. The poor moose in question was subject to
media abuse for months and never survived the embarrassment. His
family reportedly threw themselves in front of a large truck.
"May your cacti turn brown and mushy."
No one is quite sure what this has to do with mooses, but apparently
an innocent cactus named Spike died in this horrible fashion.
"Your mother wears moose slippers."
Take a trip to the mall. You figure it out.
"May you be stuffed."
This does not mean to be like a Gund. Gunds are cute. This means to
have your head mounted on a plaque in some idiot's den.
"Bl00p You!"
[censored]
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How to avoid being shot during Moose season
(by Manny Oose)
1. Don't hide behind trees. Contrary to popular belief, the average hunter
will not believe that your antlers are branches.
2. Don't hang out under street lamps. It might look impressive to the
ladies, but when you have a few holes in your gut they'll want nothing to
do with you.
3. If you are being stalked, hide in a toy store. Don't look too stupid or
they'll think you're still alive. If they squeeze your belly, make a
sick moo noise. It might be embarrassing, but it's better than ending
up hanging on a wall looking down at some idiot with a pipe and slippers.
4. Don't chase cars. They _will_ notice you.
5. Carry a bigger gun.
5.1. Shoot first.
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And so ends another proud episode of Dr00ling adventure. Tune in next month
when Mike says...
"Holy drool, Mooseman. How did that Moose get up in the tree?"
Same moose time.
Same moose channel.
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