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M00se Droppings Issue 11
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #11| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 9, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
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************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
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Hello all. As this issue is quite large, I won't include my own
editorial. Also, I haven't written one yet. However, the material in this
issue is (if I may say so) very good, and gives me hope that M00se Droppings
will not die due to a lack of submissions after all.
<< First, a lost-and-found notice....... >>
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" "
" Place "
" Photograph "
" Here "
" "
===========================================
Have you seen this lost M00se? His name is Sabre (aka Eric Burns) and
he has been missing from the Net for some days now. Suspicion has it
that he has been captured by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers. If you
see him, please notify Wolverine at B45J@CORNELLA with info. There is a
reward. We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program.
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<< We also have the following letter from Lord Rassilon: >>
Here at Wesleyan, the socially-conscious and politically-liberal
are beginning to continue their activities toward Divistment.
Any information you could furnish about the situation at your
own colleges would be helpful.
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
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<< THIS one speaks for itself. Please send some reader response, because
the author does not wish to write episode 2 if everyone hates episode 1. >>
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
by CHAOS Engineer
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
Prelude:
In a forest in Maine, amongst the depths of the tall stands of
pine there was a m00se couple. Not just any m00se couple, mind you. They
had recently just escaped from the evil clutches of the U.S. Government,
after being subject to weird experiments beyond all description. Mrs m00se
was currently in the throes of labour, giving birth to her and Mr. m00se's
first child. It was a momentous event indeed. Soon, the proud couple stood
over their son, but it was obvious that he was not an ordinary m00se.
"Somehow dear, I just don't think our son is a normal m00se. He
looks so much like those men we escaped from."
"You're right, love, but dammit, I just gave birth to the tyke,
and he is our child, no matter what."
"But we can't raise him here. We lack the facilities to raise him
as a proper m00se. We have no choice but to see to it that he receives
an education."
Filled with remorse, Mrs. m00se acknowledged the wisdom of her husband.
Taking the picnic basket they had found on their way here, the m00se couple
put their first born in it, and headed off to the ranger station, filled
with remorse, but buoyed ever so slightly by the knowledge that they were
doing the correct thing.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Ranger Bob Was awakened early that morning by a wailing outside
his door. What in the name of tarnation could it be, he wondered. Stuffing
his feet into his slippers and pulling on his robe, Ranger Bob went to his
door to investigate, when what did he see but a picnic basket on his stoop
with a small babe in it. "What in tarnation's name!" he exclaimed, as he
bent over to pick up the basket, and taking it inside out of the cold morning
air. Odd he thought, no note. Only m00se teeth marks on the basket's handle
(Ranger Bob knew the marks to be m00se teeth marks, since he was indeed
an expert on m00sey things.) Well, I guess I'll just raise him as my own,
thought Ranger Bob.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
As the years wound by, Ranger Bob found out that his adopted son,
Mark Kent (Ranger Bob's full name being Robert Clark Kent), was not an ordinary
boy by any accounts. He grew fast, and was stronger than a normal boy.
Ranger Bob knew that someday he would have to reveal to Mark his mysterious
background. After twenty some odd years had passed, and Mark had completed
college, Ranger Bob sensed that it was now time to tell Mark of his background.
"Mark."
"Yes father"
"I have something to tell you Mark. It concerns your past. I know
that I have told you that you are my adopted son, but there is more. When
I found you, you were on my stoop in a picnic basket that bore no identifying
marks save m00se teeth marks on the handle. I knew these to be m00se teeth
marks since I am an expert on m00sey things, and have passed the m00se lore
onto you as well. Also I have noted that you are much stronger than a normal
man your age, as you are aware. I suspect that you have a hidden past that
neither of us are aware of. Thus, I believe that you should go into the woods
and perform the sacred m00se dance that I taught you and seek to contact
Leviam00se and learn your true origin."
"You believe that this will be of use father?"
"I do my son, since I am wise in the ways of m00sey things, as were
my fathers before me, the sacred m00se lore passed down from generation to
generation."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Mark ventured out into the pines, taking with him the necessary
items to complete the scared m00se dance. Walking a great distance, Mark
eventually came to the copse his father had told him of. Clearing out the
fire pit, Mark made ready to perform the dance. Make the fire in which
to burn the dried m00se droppings incense. Paint the face in ritual way
of the m00se. Ready, Mark danced and chanted, every so often tossing the
incense into the fire. He felt the power in him rise, and began to feel
light and heady. Soon, he was ready to meditate and complete the ritual
to call upon Leviam00se.
"Leviam00se." nothing
"Leviam00se!" still nothing
"LEVIAM00SE!" bellowed Mark, and he was rewarded. His vision hazed
over, and cleared to the sight of the pyramid. Eleven tiered, with the
single eye and the antlers. Leviam00se. Sitting in a large straight back
chair at the foot of the pyramid was a tall man with the head of a m00se,
the brown fur amply dosed with gray. Strange that Leviam00se should choose
to manifest himself in this way.
"Greetings, Mark, adopted son of Ranger Bob and child of Mr. and
Mrs. m00se." Leviam00se spoke to mark in amazingly good english considering
that the formation of his jaw structure should have made it impossible for
him to do so.
"Greetings O great and wise Leviam00se" replied Mark. "How is it
that you speak such good english when your jaw structure should not allow
you to do so."
"It is a m00sey thing, Mark. You need not concern yourself with
it. But, let us get to the point. You are here at the urgings of your
adopted father to seek your past, so gaze now into the eye of the pyramid
of Leviam00se, and let all be revealed." Mark watched raptly, as he saw
his true mother and father being experimented on by scientists of the U.S.
Government, doing horrible and perverse things to them, saw how they escaped
to the woods where he was born, how he was taken to Ranger Bob to be raised
and educated. The rest he knew, and the spectacle stopped.
"Now Mark, let me continue. You are possessed of great powers,
and must use them to combat the forces of anti-m00sey-ness. Henceforth,
whenever you say my name, the full force of your abilities shall be unleashed,
and the foes of Leviam00se shall tremble in fear at the powers of
*********** SUPERM00SE ***********
(for dramatic effect, please imagine that there is a blaring triumphant
fan-fare/symphonic score in place here. Something like Beetohven's fifth
would be appropriate.)
say now my name, Mark, and feel your power and birth-right."
Mark stood, feeling a bit perplexed and more than a bit awed at
the immensity of it all, and spoke Leviam00se's name. "Leviam00se!"
There was a sharp peal of thunder, and in Mark's place stood
Superm00se, tall, strong, powerful. A man, tall, powerfully built, garbed
in a very tacky pink suit with the pyramid symbol on the chest in fluorescent
green, but most importantly, with a m00se's head, with a MAGNIFICENT set
of antlers.
"You are now Superm00se, Mark. You must now go forth and battle
as the champion of m00se-kind and those non m00ses oppressed by evil-doers.
You must however, ware well your one weakness. I call it m00se-ite, but
that is not it's true name. It is the foul concoction with which your mother
was injected before your birth. It is a mixture of caffeine free diet
Coke, Illudium Pu-38, Vidal Sasson hair spray, and Limburger cheese, a foul
and devious mixture if ever there was one. It will rob you of your m00sey
abilities. I suggest you avoid holding heavy objects over your head if
you run a good chance of being exposed to it."
"You are very wise, O Leviam00se. It shall be as you say."
"Go now Mark, and do my bidding." Mark's vision became obscured,
and when it cleared, he once again found himself in the clearing, a man
of normal appearance.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Returning home, Mark was met by his father at the door. "How did
it go son?"
"I saw Leviam00se, and he did tell me what I must do, and he gave
unto me my birth-right and full powers. I now know what I must do. I shall
go to Gothopolis, and get a job with _The_Daily_Gonad_ as a mild mannered
reporter. There, I will be able to do battle against those who would seek
to harm and oppress m00se kind."
"Why, that's a noble thing to do son. I wish you luck."
********-> Next episode, watch as Mark goes to Gothopolis and gets a job
and has his first encounter with the evil forces that oppose
m00se kind.
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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<< And now, for two rather hilarious contributions by Wolverine. I don't know
where they come from originally. >>
What with Tom Sellick appearing on Murder She Wrote, Jessica appearing
on Magnum P.I., and characters from Dynasty and Dallas constantly
getting cofused as to which set they should go to, have you ever
wondered what would happen if this was followed to it's natural
end? For example, suppose Captain James T. Kirk met the Roadrunner.
This means, of course, that we must somehow integrate the Saturday
Morning Laws of Physics into the Star Trek universe.
i.e.: 1) Sentient creatures do not fall until they realize they are
about to.
2) Objects fall at a rate inversely proportional to their mass
(otherwise known as "Anything falls faster than an anvil")
Now, if we assume that this is an effect of the Road Runner, as opposed
to some general joke of the universe (although, I admit I have never
seen an anvil descending over Kirk's head while he was falling), then we
can expect other effects, as well. Notably:
1) Anything struck by a deadly weapon (presumably including phasers) is
not killed, but merely singed and stunned (somehow "He's covered with
soot, Jim" just doesn't carry, though).
2) Crewmembers surprised by the Roadrunner jump much higher than gravity
should allow.
Now, the difficulty here is that there must be some reason for the
encounter. Remembering that the Roadrunner is a fairly self-centered
beast, the motivation for the episode must come from the Federation in
some form. Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of
research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would
be worth a look:
Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a
full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
but are recieving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am
beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers
except for poor Scotty.
Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while
exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound
and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has
been judged capable of continuing duty.
Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurance took
place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu
withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke,
immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu
fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was
set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to
soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and
quarantine.
Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that
the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed
over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once
again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to
fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the
phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above
the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it
appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was
driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured,
though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me
in command of the research party.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the
planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am
currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab,
for when the creature is finally apprehended.
Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurences that have
dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to
believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them.
Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though
Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept
under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects
should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows:
We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs
pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which
will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a
slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of
transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our
leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of
the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.
Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed
lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the
bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as
puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I
have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in,
one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist
Xontel.
Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been
temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men
somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just
as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all
four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just
before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to
release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the
impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a
major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."
Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from
the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning
manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet
Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals
are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that
will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new
crystals soon.
Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet
been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to
analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over
a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass
through frequently.
Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting
them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted
several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both
survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact,
although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up
completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should
be safe shortly.
Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship
with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees
compatability problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led
seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in
transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle
and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record
that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no
way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from
the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has
been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.
Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian
concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in
unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each
member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature
on its own high speed terms.
Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the
strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose
of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud
BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured
in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team
is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.
Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.
Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships
that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical
events occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If
you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will
learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full
ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature
should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain
for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over
the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable
effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and
life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's
superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece,
falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet.
When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space
for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet
below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every
crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness,
followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in
the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet,
then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned
expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the
creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can
communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a
crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we
hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone
will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of
Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.
******* end message *******
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AT&T Customer Service Memorandum
Please stop submitting compliants. This is our system. We designed
it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some
features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective
as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you.
See figure 1.
*-------------------------------*
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| .-.| |.-. |
| .-| | | |.-. |
| | | | ; |
| \ ; |
| \ ; |
| | : |
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| |
*-------------------------------*
Figure 1.
Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the
features of your AT&T computer system.
* Options
We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two
strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered
to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do.
Don't ask us for any of these options, because we probably can't
find the PEC for it anyway. Even if we find the PEC, we probably
can't order it either (just TRY asking for nroff on a 3B2). If you
don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1.
* Hot Lines
If you need technical help, call our hotline. You say that the guy
at the other end doesn't know any more than you do? Too bad. If we
could afford to pay qualified people to answer the phones, we'd be
paying them to make our computers work in the first place. Besides,
you don't ever need to do anything sophisticated anyway. If you do,
see Figure 1.
* Integrated Voice and Data
What the hell is integrated voice and data? All it means is that
you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal.
So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's
not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and
chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can,
see Figure 1.
* Unix
We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it
right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer
we make. We even try to keep it the same from release to release,
but usually we blow it. If you want a computer with stable file-
systems, get a VAX. Another thing: those nerds from Berkeley are
just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity complex. They
took our operating system and made it useful, so we told them to see
Figure 1.
* Applications Software
We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a
clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it?
Well, OK, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get
an IBM PC. You can get lots of it and they even support it
sometimes. If you already bought one of our computers and are
unsatisfied, you're stuck with it. We spoke with our applications
software people about this, and they think a lot like we do; they
said "see Figure 1."
* Shells
We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is
plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway.
Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T
has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do
anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to
see Figure 1 a long time ago.
* The C Programming Language
We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything
our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you
put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you
probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard
for you. We told our C programmers to see Figure 1 a long time
ago anyway.
* Floating Point Hardware
We have the WE32106 Math Accelerator Unit, one of the fastest chips
around. It's so special that you need a special compiler to use it.
Nobody knows how to get you a copy of the compiler? That's right.
We don't release it because we are writing another one. When it's
ready, we might give it to you, but probably not. In the meantime,
you have to stick with the interpreter, live with the slowness, and
see Figure 1.
* Support
We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are
busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our
techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very
helpful unless it involves tip and ring. Oh, if something breaks
between 5:00 PM and 9:00 the next morning, don't waste your time
calling us, we're out. We also take lots of lunch breaks. If you
need real support, see Figure 1.
In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or
leave it, but don't bitch to us. We don't give a shit. We don't
have to. We're the phone company.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
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Add:
Wesleyan thr0ng LBURKA @ WESLEYAN Leather Goddess
Change:
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
to: The Anachronist
The Penn State chapter is now a thr0ng!
And until further notice, Guardian_A is reachable through GypsyLynx's account.
