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M00se Droppings Issue 29
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #29| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Sept. 5, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Greetings all!
Well, this is the Back-to-school issue as well, I guess... Some of you may
have tried to send messages to us and had them bounce (most of the messages
made it through, but some people say they sent messages which we never
received) because our node was up and down all summer.
I've heard (from a fairly reliable source) that Sylvester Stallone wishes to
play the lead role in a movie about Edgar Allen Poe. Can anyone else
corroborate? (Does anyone have time to imagine what this may lead to? If so,
send us an article on it...) Sounds almost like Danny DeVito playing the
Penguin... it just doesn't mesh in my mind...
If you aren't on the mailing list, send me a message telling me so :)
If you ARE, and no longer wish to be, send a message as well. Please note that
all submissions should to to *GOBLIN* (her address is below). All
administrative business is my bailiwick, so address all such mail to me. If
you are on the Internet, my address is LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU.
Well, so much for rain... (Frank, call those rain gods back!)
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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Looking: Seeking people in CT or surrounding area to respond and request a
thr0ng-a-th0n! Send mail to WITHALL@CTSTATEU if interested. I want to set a
date for it and time. - Goblin
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Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
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The M00se Illuminati T-shirts are now underway!
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If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRTs contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
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Wanted: Slow dull witted waterbed looking for newt as a companion.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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Fellow M00ses, Bl00pers, Bl00mers, and B0ss0ms,
[c'mon...didn't any of you ever read Bloom County???geeeesh]
Anwyay, In light of happenings in recent weeks, I, Lord Trelf, have
been moved by my poetic [and burly] muse to put my ever-thraining thoughts
to words...and in that light, I present to you.....
Ode To Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish
___ __ ____ ____ _____ __ ____ _______ ___ _____ ___ ____
Oh Rain! Oh Downpour!
Oh Demonic Condensation Of The Nether Hells!
It's you what keeps me from my alloted task -
that of ripping the heads from poor unsuspecting fish!
Your myriad drops fall upon my head
and frighten the little fishies from the
Surface of the still waters -
waters still no longer thanks to your
large bulbous drops which do splash and splatter
on the surface of the once-still waters,
causing them to bubble and ripple,
ceasing their silky stillness.
Oh Rain! Oh Ye Spiteful Bastard!
Forcing me home to a most bland dinner
of Hamburger Helper - damn that sentient hand!
Oh for Fish Florentine! or Fish Picante!
Or maybe even a [dare I pray?]
A Cajun Blackened Red Snapper -
Oh how I long for these as I stare at
that smirking Hand.
Oh the Joys I could have were it not for
you,
Oh Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish!
Oh Rain, Oh Unmerciful Wrath of the Gods!
Why do you torment me so?
Me, who wants only to dwell in the sublime pleasures
one can only achieve by twisting and ripping the
head of a hapless trout or bass from it's
non-existent shoulders!
Speak to Me! Tell unto me thy reasons!
Oh Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish!
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And now, more prophesies from the ever-musculaturing [working in a
shipping and receiving department will do this to you] High Lord Trelf.
July:
Massive earthquakes strike Burma, Moscow, Berlin, and California
as Dom DeLuise and Luciano Pavarotti simultaneously trip and fall to the
ground. The death toll stands at 326,571.
The Dark Queen issues a new edict: "Thou shalt not take My Name
in thrain." Confusion runs rampant through the lands as the populace tries
to figure out the meaning of this new law. Some theories suggest Her
Darkness hiccuped while uttering the law, which should have been "Thou
shalt not take my name in the rain", while others think it meant "Thou
shalt not split my brain in twain." Still others thought she said "Thou
shalt not pretend I'm Mark Twain," and a small faction located in the
Bronx thought she said "Yo! When's the next train?"
Elvis Presley, Consort to The Dark Queen, met on the field of battle
with King Richard of the Low Body-Fat Content. The battle was long and bloody,
but in the end King Richard was successful, thwarting Elvis' hip thrusts
with a springing leapt over the over-weight ex-singer-turned-love-slave,
landing on his shoulders and screaming into his ears at an incomprehensibly
annoying pitch. As a result, large sections of Western Europe are now under
the control of King Richard.
August:
Ever single televangelist on Chearth [Earth renamed by The Dark Queen]
was struck dead instantly by a blast whose origin is estimated to have come
from the moon. The moon is the area believed to be the new abode of
High Lord Trelf, figure of legend who some believe is now back in this
universe and is hoped to come back to the land and depose The Dark Queen.
While leaving a New York hotel, Bob Geldoff was shot in the head
42 times. This did not even make the trailer story of the evening news.
Surprisingly, the trailer for the evening news that night told the
story of Irma Lipshutz, an elderly Philadelphia women who had taught
her pet pit bull too {**CENSORED DUE TO OBSCENE LANGUAGE, PERVERSE
NOTIONS, AND THE TAKING OF THE DARK QUEEN'S NAME IN THRAIN**}
That's all for now, ladies, gentlemen, m00ses, and others......
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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A friend of mine and I were shooting the breeze the other day and we came up
with an idea on how to start a new country. A group of people would purchase
an uninhabited island from Great Britain with the intention of setting it up as
an independant nation within the British Commonwealth (similar to Australia or
Canada). I am looking for advice on how to raise capital, who to contact
within the British government, which island would be best, or whatever else I
(and whoever I am working with) need to know.
I am serious about doing this, so unless you are willing to actually work,
please don't bother responding to this. This is not meant to insult anyone,
but I'm just trying to discourage those who would not be fully commited to the
cause.
I await your replies.
Joe Claffey
CLAFFEY_JOR at CTSTATEU
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Folkses...and you others,
Greetings! Lord Trelf here. Just had some thoughts I wished to share
with you all...
In the last issue, Spaceman Biff [May his Foster's Can never Empty,
and may his Samuel Smith Taddy Porter never lose it's Tad!!] put
forth his thoughts on the evolution of chest hair on certain members
of the male gender of the human species. [Of which I am proud to be a member,
sporting such a fine weave of hair on my chest that I do...]
I do not wish to refute the Biffer's findings, as I'm sure they are true,
but I wish to present what I think to be a logical albeit paranoid explanation
for the bushy male chest. Now think, all you out there with hair on your
chest: When a woman gets mad at you, what's one of the first things she does,
should you be so unlucky as to be wearing an open shirt, or worse yet, no
shirt at all? Why, she immediately starts pulling you around by your chest
hair! [And only someone with a truly hairy torso can understand the pain
this involves] Now think: Could it be, dear friends, that male chest hair
may have been placed there BY women, to give them yet something else
to drag us around by?
Now, I know you are all saying that I'm being paranoid, but think about
It. Why do only MEN have chest hair? Why do only women pull men around BY
their chest hair? Food for thought....[Or maybe Follicles for Frollicking?]
Yours incogneato,
His High Holy Lord Trelf
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More trek...from wesleyan...
Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head!
Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again.
Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for
some tests.
Troi:Captain, I am feeling...
Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid.
Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry.
Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME?
Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf.
Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has
not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for
your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time.
Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm.
{Captain's Cabin}
Wesley:Knock knock
Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign.
Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have
on your head.
Picard:Yes, what about it?
Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great
waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill,
sir.
Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make
that abilities, but this time she is mistaken.
{The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput}
Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency!
{Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face}
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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Chapter Name : Philip D. Noah
Nick name(s) : Arizona
M00se nick : Arizona M00se
M00se's name : Claudette
Net Address : bitnet : in%"V115GWE6@UBVMS.BITNET"
: wwiv net : 295 @ 7654
Sex : x_ male __female __No, I'm British
Purity Quotient : 81 %
Description : I stand almost 2 meters tall (6' 3")
and weigh about 63 Kg (140 lb). Blue eyes
and blondish/brown hair.
Favourtie saying: Fair's Fair.
Likes : M00se watching, reading M00se droppings
having lunch with pretty m00se's, Bl00ping,
,watching old movies and doing fun m00sey things.
Why I do what I
do : Well someone has to be me....and no one else
wants to be me so i'm stuck with the job.
Famous last words: Can't think of anything else to put down.
Bl00P !
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