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M00se Droppings Issue 42
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ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- AN
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 42 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/14/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
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EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Bill says many pointless things
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
A call for thr0ng-a-thons
BOOK REVIEWS
Daniel Pinkwater -- his works
M00se Book of the Month: The Mulch of Aval0n, by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n
INTERESTING ARTICLES
Survival in the wake of the increasingly improbably nuclear holocaust
A classic: The history of the world according to history students
The new, official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement
(part one)
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
The Oracle speaks
MEET THE M00SES
Still nobody this time
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*************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *****************************
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Welcome to this, issue number forty-two of "M00se Droppings." Not much
has happened in the past week; I haven't had any new news on the Electronic
Frontier Foundation (the group formed to fight Secret Service fascism on the
Net), or HR 4079 (the pre-bill designed to help further the fascist turn the
country is taking). Oops, actually, that's not quite true. I received a test
message from the EFF, indicating that I'm on their mailing list, and I received
the beginnings of HR 4079 from somebody on the Politics list, with a promise
that more would follow. But that's about it. The practical upshot? Sadly,
this issue will contain very little, if any, political content.
Now, I want you all to know that I'm very disappointed, submission-wise!
I have received submissions from b0liver shagnastY iv and Warm00se, and plans
from Goblin, but nothing else! We must have MORE!
On a lighter note, this issue will be mailed to the David Tarr chapter,
currently residing in Dublin, Ireland. Everybody wave to Dave, all one hundred
and seventy-five of you! Dave has been overseas for about a year now, working
in London, travelling Europe, and now (as I said) working in Dublin. He
probably doesn't get enough mail over there, and I'm sure he'd like to hear
from you. One can never have too much contact with the United States of
America, after all. Dave's mailing address is:
David s Tarr
c/o USIT
Aston Quay
O'Connell Bridge
Dublin 2
Ireland
Don't forget to mark the envelope or package "Air Mail." We want Dave to
get it soon, don't we?
Lastly, before I start the issue, I want you all to know that you can
purchase a plastic ED-209 toy, approximately 5 1/2" tall, at Toys Backwards R
Us for $9.99.
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
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The summer is drawing to a close at a startling rate. Time to plan
thr0ng-a-thons!
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******************************** BOOK REVIEWS **********************************
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[Recommendations from Warm00se. -WRD]
Hi all!
I am here to make a recommendation for all of your summer (or other)
reading lists, and to nominate somone for Honorary M00sedom. The person in
question is Daniel Pinkwater, allegedly a "children's author", but, if you read
his stuff, you'll see this is not so. True, his books are found in the
Children's section of the library, but...well, read them and you'll understand.
:)
Pinkwater is brilliant! His stories are amusing, and I'm almost SURE he
knows about...THEM (fnord). I've seen stuff in several of his books and I'm
positive. I think we should make him and honorary m00se, and perhaps (just to
confuse him), actually contact him and notify him of his in(ab?)duction! ;)
His books are short, too, so you can usually read most of them within
20-30 minutes. (Now you don't have an excuse NOT to read them! :) )
Anyway, check his stuff out! It's great! I've included a list below of
some of his works.
Also, if you look at his picture on some of the book jackets, you KNOW
he's one of us. :)
Books written and in many cases illustrated by
DANIEL PINKWATER
(a.k.a. Manus Pinkwater, D. Manus Pinkwater,
Daniel M. Pinkwater, and others)
* Alan Mendelsohn, The Boy From Mars
* Atilla the Pun
Bear's Picture
The Big Orange Splot
* Blue Moose
Return of the Moose
* The Moospire
The Blue Thing
Fat Elliot and the Gorilla
* Fat Men From Space
* The Hoboken Chicken Emergency
The Last Guru
* Lizard Music
Magic Camera
* The Magic Moscow
Pete, the Pestiferous Polecat
Pickle Creature
Superpuppy (with Jill Miriam Pinkwater)
The Terrible Roar
Three Big Hogs
Tooth Gnasher Super Flash
* Wingman
Wizard Crystal
* The Worms of Kukumlima
The Wuggie Norple Story (illustrated by Tomie De Paola)
* Yobgorgle: Mystery Monster of Lake Ontario
* The Muffin Fiend
* Slaves of Spiegel
* = Ones I've read
This list is taken from "The Worms of Kukumlima". Copyright 1981. I've
added to it a bit.
-Pat Salsbury
(DangerM00se)
V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET
SALSBURY@AUTARCH.ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Yet Another m00se b00k of the M0nth Club selection, from b0liver
shagnastY iv.]
The Mulch 0f Aval0n
by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n
Just when you thought you'd read the tale of Arthur and his Camel0t from
every possible point of view. The Mulch 0f Aval0n (6528 pages, $59.95 from
Batman Books) spins an enchanting tale of knights, druids, and all that crap
(especially the crap) from the point of view of a blue b0ttled shit fly. A
must for the fantasy fan who likes to think he/she is reading real literature
and not just another piece of fantasy crap (in fact, the reader is reading not
only crap, but ABOUT it). Learn the contents of an Arthurian banquet--0laf
0lafs0ns0ns0n has thoroughly researched his material. What grade of hay did a
jousting horse eat just before a tourney? 0lafs0ns0ns0n also retells the story
of the Crystal Stool of Merlin with a decidedly more human twist. And what was
the secret sin of Guinevere that only a shitfly would know?
An exerpt:
Myllwenquill's wings almost gave out as he finally
landed on a clump of dung near the soldier's
encampment. Something was wrong in the air. He
listened as nearby he heard the boy-king who was
now a man making plans with his trusted aides.
Myllwenquill's proboscis twitched again. Something
was wrong about this pie. It smelled like a
croissant--it must belong to that French Knight,
who had never been bested in combat. He was now in
the service of the King, it seemed.
Yes, you too can own this epic fantasy.
Regular price: $59.95
M00se B00k Club price $599.50
6 book dividends and 23 CitiDollars
Do not send a message to us in 3 days if you want to recieve this
selection.
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[b0liver shagnastY iv, of the Wilfred Hyde-White Memorial Thr0ng, provides us
with this massively useful item. -WRD]
SAFETY TIPS FOR POST-NUCLEAR LIVING
1. Never use the elevator in a building hit by a nuclear device; use the
stairs instead.
2. When flying through the air, remember to roll as you hit the ground.
3. If you are on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable substances.
4. Don't attempt to communicate with dead people; it only leads to
psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavange. Learn to recognize foods
that will be available after a nuclear holocaust: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Remember to cover your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully when travelling through "heavy fallout" shelters; people
could be staggering illegally.
9. Nutritionally, a $100 dollar bill is equal to a $1 bill, and more sanitary
due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-day.
--Author unknown
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[Many of you may have seen this before, but those of you who haven't will get a
kick out of it. Submitted by Gary Olsen. -WRD]
The article below is from "Verbatim" magazine, around May of 1987.
The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade
through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul-
tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, "Guinesses," Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by
Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-
ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir-
gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be-
fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-
beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with-
out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec-
tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup-
posedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accom-
plished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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[Submitted by myself and Mike Harm. -WRD]
The world is in need of many things. But it occurred to Mike Harm and
myself recently that one thing it needs very badly is a new, standardized
system of measurement.
Look at the facts: The English system has been rejected almost all the
world over. It is old, it is unpopular. Clearly it cannot become the world
standard.
The metric system, on the other hand, has been rejected by the most
powerful nation on the planet (the United States) as well as the most powerful
third world nation on the planet (Great Britain). In addition, it lacks
personality. Nobody wants to order a liter of beer, or a half liter, or five
hundred milliliters. It just doesn't sound right. It's a cold system.
So we have taken it upon ourselves to solve this problem. Below is the
beginning of the new M00se Illuminati Standardized System of Measurements.
Additions to this system will appear in later issues. Everybody start
converting!
I) VELOCITY
For our unit of velocity measure, we have chosen "furlongs per fortnight."
This unit will replace the previous standards of MPH and KPH, and all
derivatives thereof.
Conversion is quite simple. There are 220 yards in a furlong, or 660
feet, or .125 miles. Therefore, there are 8 furlongs in a mile. (Bear in
mind, we are only using "miles," "yards," "feet," and any other obsolete units
of measurement to help define the new units.)
One mile per hour would therefore be eight furlongs per hour. Since there
are 336 hours in a fortnight, one mile per hour is equal to 2,688 furlongs per
fortnight. From this figure, we can create the following chart:
CHART ONE -- VELOCITY MEASURE
MPH KPH FPF
=== === ===
0.6 1 1,612.8
01 1.67 2,688
10 17 26,880
20 33 53,760
30 50 80,640
40 67 107,520
50 83 134,400
55 92 147,840
60 100 161,280
75 125 201,600
100 167 268,800
Speed of sound (sea level, 46.72 CaH): 321,994,007
Speed of Light: 1,802,617,506,000
The chart contains many commonly-used velocities. Most figures are
rounded, as this is a general-use chart, not a scientific-use chart. Any
velocities not shown on the chart can be calculated as above. Change your
speedometers. Get bumper stickers that say "147,840: it's not just a good
idea, it's the law," and "147,840 saves lives."
II) TEMPERATURE
As most of you will no doubt agree, the current practice of using a single
system of temperature measurement to measure both hot and cold temperatures is
silly. How similar is the core of the sun to the antarctic deep-freeze? Not
at all, of course! So why do we insist upon using the same system to measure
them?
We have addressed this problem by creating TWO units of temperature
measurement. For cold temperatures, we have created the "Coldashell" (CaH). A
single Coldashell is equal in size to 1.37 degrees Farenheit. Zero degrees
Coldashell equals -32 degrees Farenheit. To convert from degrees F to degrees
CaH, use the following formula:
(dF + 32) / 1.37 = dCaH
where dF = degrees Farenheit, and dCaH = degrees Coldashell. You will not, of
course, have to convert in the other direction (since CaH will from now on be
the standard); therefore, no conversion formula is provided for CaH to F.
To deal with hot temperatures, we have created the "Hotashell" (HaH). A
single Hotashell is equal in size to pi degrees Celsius. Zero degrees
Hotashell equals 50 degrees Celsius. To convert from degrees C to degrees CaH,
use the following formula:
(dC - 50) / pi = dHaH
where dC = degrees Celsius, and dHaH = degrees Hotashell. Again, since there
is no need to convert in the other direction, no formula is provided.
Conversions between all four systems are shown on the chart below:
CHART TWO -- TEMPERATURE
Far. Cel. CaH HaH
==== ==== === ===
0 Coldashell -32 -36 0 -27
0 Farenheit 0 -18 23 -22
Freezing (0 C) 32 0 47 -16
Room temp. 72 22 76 -9
Body temp. 98.6 37 95 -4
0 Hotashell 122 50 112 0
Boiling 212 100 178 16
Well, that's it for now. Stand by for next issue, and additions to the
official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement!
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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[Even the Oracle must deal with awkward questions. -WRD]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I love you.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extremely flattered and
} If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much. My address is:
}
} 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC
}
} Ask for Mr. B, they'll know who you mean.
}
} You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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There have been many changes to the list, so instead of an update, a new
complete list will follow this issue.
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SWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ANSW
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