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Mikes Madness Issue 03
Mike's Madness #3
You know, a lot of people have accused me of being a loadie. But what
exactly is a "loadie"? Here is an official test to help you determine if
you're a loadie or not: Give yourself 1 point for each that applies to you.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOADIE WHEN . . .
-----------------------------------
* Your eyes are red even when you're straight
* You've run up a $300 bill in a restaurant by yourself
* KGB to you means Killer Green Bud
* When you've eaten a roach
* When you've eaten a roach twice
* To you "Hey Bud! Let's Party!" is "Hey! Bud! Let's Party!"
* If you've ever spent more than $200 on a bong
* You don't have a single brownie recipe that doesn't call for hashish
* You've thought that roach spray you just used was atomized green bud roaches
* Between going to heaven or a Floyd concert, you choose Floyd
* You know the words to every Pink Floyd song ever written
* Can sing the entire Tea for the Tillerman album
* You can hold your breath for more than 4 minutes
* You have the nick-name "Leather Lungs"
* You can't drive when you're straight
* You've smoked your own weight in Indica
* You can't follow the white line on the freeway because you're too busy
following the white line on the mirror
* You've actually been awake more than 25 days in a row
* You've dropped acid for a solid year in a row
* You actually plan to move to Amsterdam
* When someone happens to say "I had a fever . . ." you immediately think
"My hands felt just like two balloons."
* You think that Jimi Hendrix just might have had the right idea on the
National Anthem
* You and two buddies can kill off a whole keg in one night
* You didn't know you could drink water straight
* You emulate W.C. Fields to perfection
* A.A. has given up hope on you
* You're at the Betty Ford clinic more often than home
* You usually get a Christmas card from the owner of the local liquor store
* Can drink a 12 pack without stopping for a piss
* You can shot-gun more beers than most people can drink
* You have a bong with an inch of resin in it
* Your dealer would suck your dick before losing your business
* You've gone to Columbia in search of Gold
* The border guards know you by name
* You've slept eight days in a row
* Snorted a year's salary of coke in one night
* You know every drug dealer in a ten city radius by first and last name
* You can't remember a time when you weren't wholly fucked up
* You've met Ed McMahon in a bar
* You've been totally shit-faced within 5 minutes of coming home from work
* You've taken a college-level final stoned
* The only reason you go to school is because you can't get stoned at home
* You've driven from San Francisco to Dallas in two days without stopping
for a rest
* You've spent more than $1000 in a grocery store (at once)
* Get letters of thanks from Stolichnya
* Visine uses you as a test patient for all their new products
* You can roll a joint stoned, in the dark, with your hands tied behind your
back
* You have dreams about getting a job in a brewery
* You can imitate the McKenzie Brothers better than they can
* D&D to you means Drunk and Disorderly
* You have actually considered smoking a toad skin
* You have actually smoked a toad skin
* You can smoke a whole joint in one hit
* You can honestly say you've tried everything Hunter S. Thompson has written
about
* You've actually eaten a peyote button
* You've actually done it twice
* You actually admire Fat Freddy
* You actually are Fat Freddy
SCORING:
--------
1-2: Ah you lightwieght! Come on, start sparking up more often! Jeeze.
3-4: Shut the door.
5-6: You can do better than that! Buy an ounce and smoke it tonight!
7-8: My Grandmother does better than this. Try her hash brownies!
9-10: Doin' okay now
11-15: Better
16-20: Much better now
21-25: Great!
26-30: Excellent!
31-35: Ho shit! You're almost a loadie!
36-40: * * * LOADIE! * * *
41-45: Dangerous loadie
46-50: You are a hazard to yourself and others
51-55: Someone should be shot for letting you loose on the streets
56-59: You're either bullshitting or about to die
60-62: You died a week ago but you haven't come down yet
63 : You are a drug crazed poltergiest that God could not put out of misery
64 : How ya doin' Mr. Tower?
Heh Heh.
(c) 1989 Yucks for You Inc.
