Mikes Madness Issue 03

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Mikes Madness

 · 5 years ago

  

Mike's Madness #3 
  
  You know, a lot of people have accused me of being a loadie. But what 
exactly is a "loadie"?  Here is an official test to help you determine if 
you're a loadie or not:  Give yourself 1 point for each that applies to you. 

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOADIE WHEN . . . 
----------------------------------- 
* Your eyes are red even when you're straight 
* You've run up a $300 bill in a restaurant by yourself 
* KGB to you means Killer Green Bud 
* When you've eaten a roach 
* When you've eaten a roach twice 
* To you "Hey Bud! Let's Party!" is "Hey! Bud! Let's Party!" 
* If you've ever spent more than $200 on a bong 
* You don't have a single brownie recipe that doesn't call for hashish 
* You've thought that roach spray you just used was atomized green bud roaches 
* Between going to heaven or a Floyd concert, you choose Floyd 
* You know the words to every Pink Floyd song ever written 
* Can sing the entire Tea for the Tillerman album 
* You can hold your breath for more than 4 minutes 
* You have the nick-name "Leather Lungs" 
* You can't drive when you're straight 
* You've smoked your own weight in Indica 
* You can't follow the white line on the freeway because you're too busy 
  following the white line on the mirror 
* You've actually been awake more than 25 days in a row 
* You've dropped acid for a solid year in a row 
* You actually plan to move to Amsterdam 
* When someone happens to say "I had a fever . . ." you immediately think 
  "My hands felt just like two balloons." 
* You think that Jimi Hendrix just might have had the right idea on the 
  National Anthem 
* You and two buddies can kill off a whole keg in one night 
* You didn't know you could drink water straight 
* You emulate W.C. Fields to perfection 
* A.A. has given up hope on you 
* You're at the Betty Ford clinic more often than home 
* You usually get a Christmas card from the owner of the local liquor store 
* Can drink a 12 pack without stopping for a piss 
* You can shot-gun more beers than most people can drink 
* You have a bong with an inch of resin in it 
* Your dealer would suck your dick before losing your business 
* You've gone to Columbia in search of Gold 
* The border guards know you by name 
* You've slept eight days in a row 
* Snorted a year's salary of coke in one night 
* You know every drug dealer in a ten city radius by first and last name 
* You can't remember a time when you weren't wholly fucked up 
* You've met Ed McMahon in a bar 
* You've been totally shit-faced within 5 minutes of coming home from work 
* You've taken a college-level final stoned 
* The only reason you go to school is because you can't get stoned at home 
* You've driven from San Francisco to Dallas in two days without stopping 
  for a rest 
* You've spent more than $1000 in a grocery store (at once) 
* Get letters of thanks from Stolichnya 
* Visine uses you as a test patient for all their new products 
* You can roll a joint stoned, in the dark, with your hands tied behind your 
  back 
* You have dreams about getting a job in a brewery 
* You can imitate the McKenzie Brothers better than they can 
* D&D to you means Drunk and Disorderly 
* You have actually considered smoking a toad skin 
* You have actually smoked a toad skin 
* You can smoke a whole joint in one hit 
* You can honestly say you've tried everything Hunter S. Thompson has written 
  about 
* You've actually eaten a peyote button 
* You've actually done it twice 
* You actually admire Fat Freddy 
* You actually are Fat Freddy 
  
SCORING: 
-------- 
1-2: Ah you lightwieght! Come on, start sparking up more often!  Jeeze. 
3-4: Shut the door. 
5-6: You can do better than that! Buy an ounce and smoke it tonight! 
7-8: My Grandmother does better than this. Try her hash brownies! 
9-10: Doin' okay now 
11-15: Better 
16-20: Much better now 
21-25: Great! 
26-30: Excellent! 
31-35: Ho shit! You're almost a loadie! 
36-40: * * * LOADIE! * * * 
41-45: Dangerous loadie 
46-50: You are a hazard to yourself and others 
51-55: Someone should be shot for letting you loose on the streets 
56-59: You're either bullshitting or about to die 
60-62: You died a week ago but you haven't come down yet 
63   : You are a drug crazed poltergiest that God could not put out of misery 
64   : How ya doin' Mr. Tower? 
  
Heh Heh. 
(c) 1989 Yucks for You Inc.