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M00se Droppings Issue 46
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WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 46 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 11/25/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
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EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Pickle introduces the issue (surprise)
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Back issues available
A cry for help from the Br0ckport thr0ng
Sabre makes a conspiracy-enhancing suggestion
JiMb00se talks about the folks in the desert
Mugwump talks about the winter holidays
EVENTS AND NEWS
Two not-made-up news items about m00ses
MUSELIX thr0ng progress report
INTERESTING ARTICLES
The facts about m00se/car collisions
FICTION AND POETRY
"Demon Rabbit" by Faye Lavin
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
The fourth sign of the M00se Age
Road sign of the M00se Age
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Bl00p and well-met, everybody. Now, you probably expected this to be the
Thanksgiving issue, since it's coming out on Thanksgiving and all, but it was
not to be.
I have a plan, by the way, for getting Winona Ryder away from Johnny Depp.
It's a very detailed and sophisticated plan, and it cannot possibly fail. If
anybody out there knows where I can get a large, well-armed, luxurious airship
(rigid or semi-rigid envelope only), please contact me privately.
Once again, I must apologize for the time it took to get this issue out.
I am employed, in a manner of speaking, doing temp work for the local nuclear
power company, and I haven't been doing much else besides coming home, lounging
around in a semi-exhausted state, and then going to sleep. I'm trying to find
employment and quarters in Central New York, Ithaca or Syracuse specifically,
and that's taking up some of what little time I have remaining. Hopefully, if
I succeed in my attempt to leave this area, I'll have more time when I get
settled in. In the meantime, we'll have to look to M00se Dr00l and any other
alternative m00se-oriented publications to fill in the gaps between issues of
Droppings.
When you reach the bottom of this issue, you'll notice the lack of a
Ubiquitous M00se List Update. I have decided that, since the newsletter is
being sent rather infrequently, I will simply send a complete m00se list each
time I send the newsletter. If this will cause problems for anyone, let me
know, and we'll see if we can work out something else.
One last thing. I am holding the M00se C0de posting for next issue,
because I don't know who sent it. Please contact me and let me know, whoever
you are.
And now, on with the issue.....
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
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Back issues of M00se Droppings are now available at quartz.rutgers.edu via FTP.
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[A plea from CoM00tose.]
To every m00se in every last m00secollege:
IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS A NEW M00SETOPIC
The topic is about our college policy regarding hours of operation for the
computer labs, and we need all you m00ses out there to help us.
All the m00ses and other non-m00ses here at SUNY@BROCKPORT have fallen
victim to administrative m00secrap. They have taken control and made our lives
miserable (well, maybe slightly exaggerated). This problem pertains only to
the computer lab which gives access to our MAINFRAME COMPUTER. So here is our
problem.
Our computer lab has set posted hours of operation. During these hours
there is a User Consultant and a student Supervisor on duty to help students
with any problems that may arise. The Supervisors are given keys to the
computer lab, which makes them the only ones that can open and/or close the
lab. The policy in the past was simple: The supervisor could keep the lab
open after the posted hours, allowing the public to use the facilities. The
lab would be officially closed when the supervisor wanted to go home. The time
a supervisor stayed late was on their own time (non-payroll). Thought process
is that if a supervisor is here anyway, there is no difference if it is after
the posted closing hours. This policy worked great and there were no problems
(everyone was happy).
Fall of 1990 we had an administrative change! As you can guess the policy
of keeping the computer lab open after hours was changed. The new policy is
that the lab is closed to the public at the posted closing times. Only the
staff that works in the computer lab is allowed to stay. Of course only
supervisors have keys so they control when the lab is to close. Most of the
people that work in the lab are computer science majors, or people that need
access to the system, and the supervisors would prefer to let the public have
access to the system.
Strength is in numbers and everyone has the ability to help, so we need
you to prevent us from being taken advantage of by our administration. All the
m00ses that have similar policies of keeping their computer labs open after the
posted hours (for the public), or the labs that are kept open 24 hours a day,
PLEASE send mail IMMEDIATELY. Let us know what your policy is, how long you
have been using this policy and anything else you think might help us to
convince our administrators to change the policy.
You can send E-mail to either of the following Br0ckp0rt m00ses:
Bitnet -----> KARL or DC9887 @brock1p
Internet ---> KARL or DC9887 %brock1p.bitnet@cornellc.cit.cornellc.edu
Thank you all for your time,
The Br0ckp0rt Thr0ng
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[An idea put forth by Lord Sabre.]
Hey, all you m00ses out there in TVland!! I've got a conspiracy-enhancing
thought! Does anyone with Internet access know how to create Alt groups on
Readnews? If so (da da duummmmmmm)--
ALT.M00SE!!!!!!!!!
Alt groups can apparently be created by anyone who knows how, and they're
carried by a lot of different places on the Netnews system. I have felt for a
while the M00se need a stronger Internet Access, and well, this is our chance,
whaddya say?
[Almost immediately upon receiving Sabre's letter, I received a file containing
complete instructions on starting Internet newsgroups. (Coincidence? I think
not.) The file is much too long to include here, and the procedure is rather
complicated. It could be best handled by somebody who has full access to the
Internet. Any volunteers, please contact me and I'll send the file. -WRD]
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[A fine proposal from JiMb00se.]
I have a proposal. We M00ses are obviously opposed to the war in the
Middle East, since it takes away valuable time from important M00sey activities
such as the drinking of fine ale and kicking small bits of cloth around a lawn
to impress women-folk.
But it seems inevitable that some M00ses or friends of M00ses or family of
M00ses will be dragged over there to fight in the desert. I have never been to
war, but I would imagine that those who are there would very much appreciate a
kind word from home.
I have read that mail addressed to 'Any Service Person' is clogging up the
system so much that regular mail is slowed down. Also, mail from some
anonymous stranger simply CAN'T be a fulfilling as mail from someone you are
related (however tenuously!) to.
Here is my suggestion: if you know of a PARTICULAR person who would
appreciate a large quantity of rather unusual mail from a diverse population of
odd characters, perhaps you could let us all know and we could write to them.
I suggest people should be chosen with the following priorities in mind:
1> M00ses first
2> People who wouldn't call the cops on us for being weird second
3> Families of M00ses third
4> Friends of M00ses fourth
Actually, it might be best to concentrate our efforts on some ONE person.
Maybe Pickle could moderate...
[I fear I could not be the moderator. I barely have time to edit the news-
letter, as you can see! I think it's a great idea, though. My mother has a
second cousin once removed (what does that mean, anyway?) who is in the
desert. A Pink Iguana Tavernite has just been sent. I'm sure we can find
some worthy targets. -WRD]
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[Another, slightly similar, but more festive suggestion from Mugwump.]
i was compiling my christmas card list this afternoon, & got to thinking:
how about compiling a m00se christmas card list -- a list of people all m00ses
would be encouraged to add to their christmas card lists. my list currently
includes such exciting people as:
the director of the national injury information clearinghouse
the commander of the u.s. army nuclear and chemical agency
the chief of the mass media bureau of the fcc
and other such fun and exciting people whose lives would probably be
brightened by receiving cards from an "organization" such as the m00se. the
list could, of course, be distributed through the droppings.
sound like fun? if so, i'll go ahead and type in my list, if not, i won't
take the time (not that i mind doing it, but my life is hectic & i don't want
to spend the time for something that won't get used.)
bl00p,
mugwump
(who's not in a caps mood today)
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****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
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[Wasted M00se provides us with these two news items. 0's slashed and plurals
corrected by me, for clarity.]
SCITUATE, R.I. (UPI) -- A wayward m00se, the first to be seen in Rhode
Island in several years, has apparently decided to return to more familiar
surroundings.
A dispatcher with the town Police Department said Tuesday the m00se,
reported to be about 7 feet tall, was seen three days ago running toward the
Scituate Reservoir. It has not been sighted since, said the dispatcher, who
declined to give his name.
Thomas A. Greene, a deputy with the state environmental enforcement
division, said his department had confirmed the m00se sighting, but he was
reluctant to talk about it.
"We're trying to discourage as much publicity as we can," Greene said.
"We'd rather not have people out harassing it and chasing it across the
street."
Greene said Rhode Island is an atypical place for a m00se to be, and that
one shows up every three or four years.
The m00se was reported to have antlers about 1 foot high, but it was
uncertain whether it was a male or a female. Authorities advised Rhode
Islanders to back off if they see the m00se and then call police.
ALBANY, N.Y. (UPI) -- Big Richard, the amorous Adirondacks m00se famous
for wooing cows, horses and even a pig, has state conservation officials
concerned because his radio collar is losing its ability to beep.
The bull m00se is the only one in the state with a transmitting noose,
said Department of Environmental Conservation biologist Al Hicks, and now that
he is needed more than ever he's given everyone the slip.
The loss of the signal is coming just as the state agency is studying
whether to introduce female m00ses to New York's wilderness for breeding
purposes, Hicks explained.
And the radio collar's signal is so faint that as of two weeks ago state
m00se trackers have been unable to find him.
Big Richard, now playing hard-to-get, was last seen in the Saranac Lakes
area munching apples and ogling some horses, state wildlife officials reported.
Hicks estimates that between 15 and 30 m00se spend at least a part of
their year in New York, while Big Richard appears to have settled permanently.
"Where he is now is anyone's guess. We have not had contact in two
weeks," Hicks said.
The transmitting problems are worsened, he said, by hilly terrain that at
best keeps signals down to about two miles.
Hicks said Big Richard had been collared twice already.
"He was re-collared a couple of years ago in Lewis County on a dairy
farm," Hicks said.
Apparently farmers complained at the time that he was making some cows
nervous, Hicks said.
"We expect to lose the signal because the collars only have a limited life
expectancy," he added.
But Hicks said the passionate m00se's amorous adventures, including a
rumored liaison with a pig, may be overstated.
"He just wants the company of other animals and there are a variety of
farm animals up in Saranac Lake," he said.
The m00se shouldn't present much of a problem until next year, Hicks
added.
"The mating season ends in October," he said.
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[Another impressive progress report from SNAFU M00SE.]
M00sedom is strong and thriving on the Clemson Campus and in the Mid-
Upper-South East. We are organizing stuff for a big convention that is rolling
into the area at the end of next semester, and hope to muchily confuse and
confound everyone that we meet.
Our primary goal right now is to get some t-shirts printed with a small
M00se symbol on the left breast pocket. That should hopelessly confuse anyone
who attempts to figure out what the symbol is.
Other projects are regular postings of Important Messages (tm). We have
thousands of little scraps of paper with the pyramid and antlers (tm) photo-
copied onto it. We write some strange and confusing note on the scrap like:
'Breathing is Essential,' 'Remember the Dwarf,' or 'Beware the M00ses of Dawn.'
Then we pick a number at random and title it Important Message # (tm) (note the
confusion factor goes up if the masses see the same message with two different
numbers or if they see two different messages with the same number). We take
these Important Messages (tm) and post them all over campus or just hand them
to people we dont know (you should see the look of confusion as the person
tries to figure out who you are and what the scrap of paper means).
Our infiltration campaign is also running successfully. We have a m00se
on the local radio show, and at least three m00ses on the campus films-and-
video committee (an excellent chance to pick the stranger or more confusing
movies... Brazil comes to mind).
So the MUSELIX (tm) Throng is thriving well and spreading the conspiracy
across the southlands. Happy M00semass.
Snafu M00se
Official Unofficial Big Grand Poobah of the
MUSELIX Throng of
The M00se Illuminati
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[Informative m00se/car collision data from Lord Sabre.]
Having read Mugwump's close automotive m00se encounter, I am forced to
draw upon my superior knowledge of m00ses (the bovine kind, what we drew our
inspiration from), and clear up a few misconceptions.
First off -- he believed hitting the m00se would have damaged the m00se,
the car, and himself. Two out of three isn't bad. However, the m00se that
could be damaged by anything less than a '66 Chevy made out of steel and the
size of Montana has yet to be born. More than likely, the m00se would have
mistaken Mugwump's smushing his car against him as an overture of friendship.
Second, and this is the absolute truth, when encountering a M00se standing
in the middle of the road, wait *patiently* for the m00se to decide to move.
Don't rev the engine, the m00se will simply watchand try to figure out why you
make those silly noises. And *don't* honk your horn at him. Leviam00se's
truth -- a car horn sound means (in Primal M00se), "I am a Bull M00se who will
take your mate, stop me if you can!" **THE M00SE WILL CHARGE AT YOU, RAMMING
YOUR CAR WITH ALL ITS STRENGTH!!!!!** Believe it -- unless you want a ton-and-
a-half of Mutant Deer smashing your front end into modern art, *don't honk the
horn!*
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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[Gary Olson, bless his heart, passed on this little gem. Ten to one, Ann
Landers won't print it. I left the whole thing in caps, since it's possible
the author wanted it to be read entirely in a shout. Try to forgive the
meter.]
DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL
HOPE THE DEVIL TREATS YOU WELL
NOW THAT ALL YOUR KILLING'S THROUGH
YOUR ETERNAL PUNISHMENT HAS COME DUE
DRIVE A CARROT THROUGH YOUR HEART
SHOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FROM THE START
BUT THE EASTER BUNNY YOU WERE NOT
NOW YOU'RE WHERE IT'S NICE AND HOT
DEMON RABBIT WITH TEETH SO WHITE
STALKING VICTIMS IN THE NIGHT
RIP THEIR THROATS OUT; DRINK THEIR BLOOD
DRAG THEIR BODIES THROUGH THE MUD
RABBIT PELLETS WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
NOW YOU'RE PLAYING HUMAN-FOO
DEMON RABBIT WITH CLAWS SO BLACK
SEE HIM SPRING FOR THE ATTACK
DEMON RABBIT, YOU'RE NO SAINT
DEMON RABBIT, BUGS YOU AIN'T
SPEND THE NIGHT CONSUMING GORE
COME SUN-UP YOU'LL WANT SOME MORE
SPREAD YOUR TERROR FAR AND NEAR
FILL YOUR VICTIMS FULL OF FEAR
DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL
THIS POEM'S DONE--AIN'T IT SWELL?
--Faye Levine/"Demon Rabbit"
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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[More on the Age of m00siness, from Lord Sabre, Prophetm00se.]
In the time after the Third Sign, it will come to pass that the Third Sign
will bring about the Fourth Sign, which is not to be confused with either the
first or second signs, nor should we decide that the Fourth Sign is a Cosine of
the Third Sign, or that the Third Sign may not just be another application of
the Sixth Sign, and no, I haven't been watching the Seventh Sign, though my
roommate told me all about it....
"CHEESEBURGER!!!!!! LARGE FRIES!!!!! ORANGE SODA!!!!!" the All-Powerful
Leviam00se will shout. "What is WRONG with you???!!!"
"Mmmmm mmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmm?"
"NNNNNNRRRRRRLLLGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" and Leviam00se will utterly crush
the hamburger stand beneath his feet. Whereupon he will cross the street and
go to Pizza the Hutt.
George Herbert Walker Bush, the Forty-First president and the president
with the stupidest name since William Taft, will be sitting at his desk. He
will be pondering the ways to reduce the budget and increase the military,
simultaneously. "Hmmm. Now, the Great Depression ended when America went to
war against Germany, the last time. And that also increased the Military...and
Germany has reunified...."
"Mr. President," the intercom will buzz, "the Vice-President is here to
see you."
"Give him his daily lollipop and send him away."
"He insists on seeing you sir. He's also offered to tip me three hundred
dollars."
"Eh? Must speak to his father. Right, send him in."
The small, spindly form of the Vice President will enter, being followed
by six huge men in spandex tights.
"Dan? Who are they?"
"They're my new...Secret Service agents, Georgie-Poo. And call me Vince."
"Vince?"
"Vince Quayle. I'm here to discuss the terms of your abdication."
"Abdication? Dan--er, Vince, you're crazy! No one would accept you as
president! You're...well,"
"Hmm. Hawk, Animal, Anvil -- why don't you 'Convince' the President."
Vince Quayle will step outside as the noise rose behind him.
That evening, in a heartfelt message, George Bush will tell the American
people from his Hospital room that he feels Vincent Quayle, Jr. would make a
fine president, and he hopes the country will prosper.
This will be the Fourth Sign. We're absolutly sure it's the Fourth One.
Not the Third, not the Fifth, Eight is right out.
Somewhere in a Pizza Hut, his order taken, Leviam00se will munch on a
breadstick. And wait. And Wait. And Wait....
More, as the Muse comes upon me (get your minds out of the Gutter.)
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[Information on what may possibly be an undiscovered sign of the M00se Age,
from Mitya the Red M00se.]
Zdravstvuite, and bl00pski! I have an interesting story to relate,
regarding my recent trip to the Franconia Notch area of New Hampshire. While
traveling the back lane of Rt. 302 south with my fiance (who may or may not
become a m00se soon--I'm working on it), we came across a most perplexing sign.
It looked like this:
|-------------|
| |
| MOOSE |
| |
| |
| X - ING |
| |
| |
|-------------|
[]
[]
[]
[]
Jen and I puzzled over this for quite some time. We even pulled the car
over to ponder this odd sign. What did it mean? The 'x' obviously stood for a
blank. We arbitrarily decided that this was a "fill-in-the-blank" sign, for
passing motorists to fill in with whatever they happened to see a m00se doing.
They could see a m00se 'walk'-ing or 'run'-ing or 'bl00p'-ing, so it was a very
versatile sign in our opinion.
But then a horrible thought crossed my mind. What if the New Hampshire
road commission wanted to place a sign but because of local obscenity laws,
could not put certain words on the sign??!! What are these m00se in New
Hampshire doing on the side of Rt. 302 that the New Hampshire road commission
cannot detail their activities???
I think the m00ses of America deserve some kind of explanation of this
kind of activity. Or am I just blowing this WAAAAYYY out of proportion?
Inquiring m00ses want to know.
Do svidaniya, and if you must bl00p,
pull the shades down, tovarishch!
Mitya the Red M00se.
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WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE
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