Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
M00se Dr00l Issue 3
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| ISSUE 3 Feb-Apr. 1990 |
| |
| |
| MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSSSSS EEEE |
| M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E |
| M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
| |
| DDDDDDDD RRRRRRR 00000000 00000000 L |
| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| D D RRRRRRR 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L |
| DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL |
| |
| |
| |
| A m00se! A m00se! My kingdom for a m00se! |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Sorry for the delay, but the hunters were after me, and well, I'm a moose
with his priorities straight: 1) Survival 2) Sleep 3) Dr00l. Remember,
only a moose who is a public nuisance is worth listening to. This issue is
dedicated to all those lesser illuminated beings that hunt the mystic rabbit
of April.
-Mike Oose
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M00SE DR00L STAFF
Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief
Subscriptions
Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet)
Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors
Cathy Ow (cow@drunivac.bitnet) Information
Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to?
Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU! (Wouldn't that be
dangerous?)
NEW in this issue: an editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If
we like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorials:
From: ABLAKELY@DRUNIVAC
I was quite distressed to note in the horrorscope section of this issue
the horrorscope for Sagittarius was conspicuously absent.
Answer:
The half-moose/half-man is an abomination. Please do not remind us of
it in the future. Bleech. Some mooses will sleep with anything.
From: SYSTEM@DRUNIVAC
Ok, who is the idiot who created all those animal accounts on ALPHA and
BETA? Speak up or you'll all be chopped at the head and hung up on my
wall. This is an academic system, not a toy.
Answer:
Phthththth. (User deleted.)
From: V291NHTP@UBVMS (Pat Salsbury, DangerM00se)
You're a looney! :) (Not that tha's a bad thing, mind you!)
SO! Competition, eh? Harrumph!
I wonder if I'll have to think about that....
Feh. My brain is starting to hurt.
See ya!
Answer:
I actually prefer to be called warped and twisted. Competition? We
don't look at it that way. Besides, when did illuminati ever have
competition?
From: DICKSON@HARTFORD (Bill Dickson)
Just what the net needs! An *alternate* m00se magazine! May you spread
it far and wide, and may it bring fame and increased circulation to both
the M00se Illuminati and its first magazine. May all m00ses grow
together!
Answer:
Sure, we'll help you and the others out, but do you really want _our_
help?? That mooses growing together sounds sick to us. Don't they get
tangled?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Asian mooses seek wealthy Americans for potential divorce settlements.
Send photo and SASE for details.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mooses for a Better America
by Mike Oose (their poster boy)
In recent moose-type news here at Drew University (the University in the
rapidly dwindling forest), a conference was held by some big-shot speaker on
the enigma of death. Being among the first to catch onto the "death-thing"
in modern conferences, we introduced the Angel of Death at our own conference
called "Experiencing the Enigma of Death" and made a killing so to speak. We
plan to put this show on the road later this year, so it may be at a school
near you sometime. You'll know when the telltale solid black posters start
appearing (and by the blood smeared on your neighbor's door)... We also hope
to have our "Mooses' Guide to the Afterlife" available sometime in March. I
myself have had an offer from a movie company to make the "Angel of Death"
movie followed shortly by the soundtrack and action figures. For a condensed
version of this sequence of death-related events, read this message backwards
at full speed and one of our representatives will tell you where to go.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yo! Mooses don't Rap. Mooses prefer to sing. It's just not all that good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travis and Phyllis, The Trashy Saga Continues...
by Mike Oose
Chapter 3
Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having
been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves
better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I
could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she
had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs.
"Ohh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their
escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal.
While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that
was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they
found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis
spied a piece of lingerie.
"Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their
passion inflamed.
"Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials."
she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another
that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt.
Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor
belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the
baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The
conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main
terminal of the airport.
While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously
removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They
paid no notice, however, and continued...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coded message follows: htaed sih dekaf elkniwllub <transmission complete>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
News from the Field
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (MPI) -- Deep snow, high winds, volcanic ash, crazy
temperatures and pissed-off mooses combine to make Saturday's start of the
1,158-mile Anchorage-to-Gnome Idiotarod Sled Dog Race the most challenging
ever for the 70 men and mooses and 1,200 dogs competing in the adventure.
"The guys are saying this might be the most challenging ever are probably
right," said Montana Oose, the race's only four-time winner.
Some of the deepest snow in decades has forced moose into the contest. The
huge lumbering antlered animals, trying to avoid energy-sapping walks through
10-foot snow, have made a surprise entrance in this year's contest. "Hey, we
can make a few bucks too," chortles one moose.
This winter moose have attacked people walking down their driveways
to get their mail, stomped sled dogs on Idiotarod training runs and even
charged Alaska Railroad engines trying to reclaim the tracks. "We play to
win," the mooses say in defense of their actions.
Veteran musher Jerry Ackle, who said "the competition makes this
the worst year in the history of the Idiotarod," is packing a semi-automatic
AR-15 for protection. Ackle's encounter with the moose was one of two in the
race. He shot and killed a moose Monday after it tried to stomp the team
run by Beatrice Eaver. He was later surrounded by a bunch of mooses and
was drooled on until he drowned/froze.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Was it a momentary lapse of reason, or the first step on the road to recovery?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Oose's Country Chartbusters (AroooOOOooooo-ee!)
Compiled by Michele Oose
10. Bird Nest in My Antlers - Grampa Harappa's Jamboree Band
9. My Dog Died - The Antler Brothers
8. Discordian Mooses' Illuminated Square Dance - Moose in the Pyramid
7. Forever and Ever Arooooooo - Travis and Phyllis
6. I Love A Drooly Night - Eddie Rabbit
5. Always In My Fur - Nelson Riddle and his Foot-Stomping Orchestra
4. Those Truck-Chasin' Blues - The Head-On-The-Wall Gang
3. My Wife's Run Off, and She's Taken My Mind - Moosey Waters
2. Tip Cows, Don't Love 'Em - Karl Kam00se
1. I'm So Blue, I Could Drool All Over You - Traditional
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here we are at Drew University, where we have secretly replaced the
administration with Weeble replicas. Let's see how long it takes those
annoyingly politically active students to make some banners slandering
harmless Weebles just so they can get in the newspaper and look like fools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Be A Moose (Part II)
by Manny Oose
9. DO eat like a moose. Always manage to get at least half of what you're
eating on the floor. Potato chips are a valid substitute for line printer
paper.
10. DO sleep with your mouth open, so that your noxious moose-breath will
fill the room and destroy any insects that might attempt to eat your food.
11. DO stay away from cows. They can ruin a moose's good reputation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the end. Our computer doesn't seem to be willing to cooperate with
us on this, so I will make this closing brief.
Sometimes mooses have problems with their teeth. So you can take them to the
dentist. You must also try not to step on mooses, because it hurts them.
So, until the next issue... beware of giant hedgehogs.
Mike Oose, your loyal and devoted public nuisance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
T H E E N D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
