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M00se Droppings Issue 38
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TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #38| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Feb 19, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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************************************* STAFF ************************************
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Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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It's late. I know. I'm sorry. I got real busy. I'll try not to let it
happen again. But right now, I'm retyping this, as the &*%@^#(*$%@#(^&$%()@#
computer just ditched about 1/2 hour of work on me, and I'm really quite
terribly upset about THE WHOLE @#^$(&*@#%^($*#!-ing thing! :)
-Pat
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From: GreyFoxM00se
My sister was 0nce byt by a m00se.
N0, Realli. She was carving her initials in the m00se with the sharpened end of
an interspace t00thbrush given to her by her brother in law -- a dentist.
Mind you, m00se bytes can be nasti...
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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From: Rescue M00se <STJS@MARIST.BITNET>
I thought that this group would like to know of an important
discovery made at the National Research Council (NRC)
in Canada.
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
AT NRC RESEARCH CENTRE
(Reprinted from CRESS Bulletin, York University, Jan 24. 1990)
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at
the NRC Research Centre. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of a
meson like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in
less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years, at which time
it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each
reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, universities, and NRC and can actually
be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
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This space available. Contact WarM00se. <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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Description: I had an interesting idea the other day....
In order to streamline the legal system, and get stupid old laws off the books,
and key law in with the changing social mores, I came up with a few ideas that
would make things run much better in this country. Let me know what you think.
1) Make every law expire 10 years after it is enacted. All OLD laws
expire 10 years after we start this program. If the law is still a valid social
concern, then it can be re-enacted. (Politicians LOVE to legislate, anyway, but
this keeps laws like "no horses in saloons" from cluttering up the books....)
2) No "piggy-backing" of bills. You make ****1**** law at a time. No
tacking of something like "all homos are to be shot" on page 86 of a traffic
law about "right turn on red."
3) Recall vote on all people in office. If someone pisses us off, we
don't have to wait up to 4 years to vote them out of office. That way we can't
forget about what they did. (As is so often the case.....)
What do you think?
-Pat
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Hey!
I just read the TIME MASTERS comic book (Issue #1), and it's pretty
funky! It's all about this guy, Rip Hunter, who is going to form a group of
time-travellers to battle....
THE ILLUMINATI!
(Fnord.)
Check it out, the series is just starting, and it looks pretty good!
-Pat
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*NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P* What a fnord!
As the official Director of Emergency Medical Medicine and Fire Prevention
for the International M00se Illuminati (self proclaimed of course *smile*) I
hereby take a firm stance against the practices of arson and assault. M00ses
unite to whip out this bad feature we portray. What if a M00se was caught and
convicted????!!!!! Look at the allegations that would be brought upon our whole
organization! We can accomplish our goals in a much safer and caring way without
the use of these tactics. FNORD!
Remember, RESCUE M00se is here to help you. Need help?
Give him a call: STJS@MARIST
He goes by RESCUE-1 (yes...the relay op!) on the outside....
but he's really....RESCUE M00se!!!! Protector of M00ses!
BL00P!
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Keep those submissions coming in! :)
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NORIEGA `COCAINE' REALLY TAMALES
WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U.S. military now says 50 pounds of a substance
it seized at a house used by deposed Panamanian leader Manuel Antonio Noriega
turned out to be tamales instead of cocaine as the Army initially said, The
Washington Post reported today.
On Dec. 22, Col. Mike Snell, commander of a U.S. infantry task force,
told reporters his troops had found 50 pounds of cocaine in a house frequented
by Noriega, some of it wrapped in banana leaves inside a freezer. "We're sure
it was cocaine," Snell was quoted as saying.
However, the Post said officials in the Army's Criminal Investigation
Division have concluded the contents of the banana leaves were actually
tamales.
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Fnord.
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[Submitted by: V067LUFD@UBVMS (Ruprecht)]
Did you know?
EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.
____________________________________________________________________________
Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
____________________________________________________________________________
+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+
============================================================================
SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
============================================================================
Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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From: GreyFoxM00se
BORED TREK: THE NEXT-TO-LAST-DE-GENERATION. (we hope.)
Captains Log: Stardate: Today! This is the Q acting on behalf of Captian
Jean-Luc Picard who is at this very moment on the holodeck trying to have
sex with the image of a woman that Commader Riker programmed in on the episode
with the Binars.
Let's join them, shall we? This should be fun.
PICARD: So, mon chou, where are you from? (This is a frail attempt by the
Captain to "chat her up.")
IMAGE: You ought to know skinhead, you activated the images here on the
holodeck.
PICARD: Hmm. I thought that the image Riker created was not such an irate
personality. Perhaps I didn't break his code properly.
IMAGE: You mean you, the Captain of a Starfleet vessel, broke into the
access file of another commanding officer?
PICARD: Well, I wouldn't call it that, just that as a Captain, I get so
lonely sometimes.... (sigh!)
IMAGE: What about the Q? Couldn't he be your butt-slamming buddy?
PICARD: The Q??!! How dare you insinuate such a thing! He siezed my vessel--!
Q: (Unknown to Picard and Image but nonetheless onstage) Seized my vessel!
Siezed my vessel! Is that all that Galactic cutie--ah-- skinhead cares about?
PICARD: I heard that shit Q! Did you think that stupid parenthetical reference
could hide your lovely--ah-- ridiculous presence from me?!
IMAGE: I think I know what the problem is here, guys. You're really attracted
to each other, but neither of you would admit it. Q here has just been trying
to get your attention beacuse he's got a crush on you. You big thillys!
PICARD: Preposterous! I am not by any means a homosexual! And don't you
try to seize my vessel Q!
Q: Oh, cut the crap Picard-baby. Let's just go "do the nasty."
PICARD: Well...
Enter RIKER with Leiutennant Commander Data.
DATA: Sir, I am detecting the presence of the Q.
RIKER: You're right, Data. There he is, with... the Captain?
DATA: Sir, I am unable to comprehend. What I see occuring is usually expected
between the male and female of your species, much less the Captain whose
species I cannot identify save for "skinhead" and a mega-entity such as the Q.
RIKER: Data, just shuttup. Here, smoke this joint, and forget you saw anthing
here.
DATA: But sir, I am an android, I cannot forget.
RIKER: If you don't forget, I am going to reprogram you with a very large
axe, got that?
DATA: (Visiby shaken, for an android, anyway.) Yes sir.
PICARD: OOOOH! AAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
Q: Vreet! Whoop!~(*%(*^)(!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<<< FLASH!!!!! >>>>
RIKER: (to image) Alright, now that we're alone, assume the missionary
position!
IMAGE: Not again...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: Is Captain Picard really a homosexual? Or is he under the
all-powerful influence of the Q? Does Riker really get it on with a hologram?
Did Data really smoke that joint? And where is Wesley during all of this?
WESLEY: I'm getting it on with Counselor Troy, of course. She's got great
tits. I'm probably the only straight one on board this ship.
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Thought you'd like to know another theory of the origins of haggis. :-)
It's by Monty Python.
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay,
Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace.
He just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this," his dad declared.
"If that lad's ate, he should be shared!"
But even as he spoke, they saw
Horace eating more and more.
First his legs and then his thighs;
His hair, his arms, his nose, his eyes.
"Stop him, someone!" Mother cried,
"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong.
"Oh foolish child, " his father mourned,
"We could have deep-fried that with prawns,
"Some parsley, and some tartar sauce."
But H. was on his second course.
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ear, his neck, his chin, his tongue.
"To think we raised him from the cot,
"And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His mother cried, "What shall we do?
"What's left won't even make a stew!"
And as she wept, her son was seen
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay, a boy no more,
Just a stomach on the floor.
Nonetheless, since it was his,
They ate it. That's what haggis is.
- Monty Python
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[Submitted (unknowingly) by our newest m00se! Welcome to the Weirdness, S.! (I
don't know your first name.) See how easy it is to get published once you have
the all-powerful M00se Illuminati on your side? ;^) ]
How would you like a bowl of Snoopy
Stirred until it's thick and soupy?
Dog in a bowl
With a poppyseed roll.
Dig it?
Sure you do.
S. McDonald
<MCDONALD@HARTFORD>
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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NEWS REPORT 29
25 May 1989
IBM ANNOUNCES EXTENDED MOUSE SUPPORT
The following is a direct, word-for-word reproduction of a recent IBM
'Service support' announcement. (Honest!)
ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT: NEW RETAIN TIP
Record number: H013944
Device: D/T8550
Model: M
Hit Count: UHC00000
Success count: USC0000
Publication Code: PC50
(H)elp, More? Tip key: 025
Date created: 089/02/14
Date last altered: 089/02/15
Owing B.U.: USA
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU
Mouse balls are now available as a Field Replacement Unit (FRU). If a mouse
fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examineing the
underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign
balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method, and domestic balls
replaced using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive, however excess handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his
balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional
items.
(Submitted by GreyFoxM00se)
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(Submitted by Ruprecht)
Description: Whenever I get depressed, I read this.
>In article <14050@reed.UUCP> jswanson@reed.UUCP (Grendel) writes:
>>
>Ok, how about a top 10 list of ways to kill yourself with a groundhog?
Here are a couple:
Take a groundhog, inject the groundhog with a large dose of methamphetamines,
place the groundhog inside your shirt. More than likely, the groundhog will
begin to tunnel into your chest cavity, thereby causing your demise.
Take a groundhog into a biker bar. Find the largest biker in the place. Hold
up the groundhog and say, "Hey donkey puke, this is your old lady ain't it? Oh,
excuse me, your old lady don't look this good." Death should follow within 20
seconds.
Take some electrical wire and attach one pair of leads to a twelve volt battery
and the other ends to the hind legs of the groundhog. Then hold the groundhog
near your throat. Slow but efficient.
--
- /| | Karl Klingman
\`O.o' -->GAK! | UUCP: gatech!stiatl!karl
={___}= Cubicles: Just say NO! | Internet: stiatl!karl@gatech.edu
` U ' |
______________________________________________________________________________
I read this and somehow I never get around to killing myself.
Ruprecht
V067LUFD@UBVMS
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Newsgroups: rec.backcountry
Subject: baking, and moose
> >Question:
> >How do any of you do any very good baking over a gas stove? I have
>
> "The NOLS Cookery" recommends that you build a "twiggy fire" on the
> lid, with pencil-thickness sticks. In order to bake anything that
> you can't flip, I think you have to have a heat source from above.
Yes, this works very well. Find a frying pan with a lid (I found
one with a lid, but the lid sloped, so I had to beat it into submission
with rocks!). When you're cooking, build a small fire on
top of the lid. Gee, it's *just* like an oven at home! We baked
bread (yeast, not baking powder), pizza, corn bread, &c.
Oh yes: only get twigs that have fallen to the ground. Don't pull
twigs off the trees, even the trees are dead. NOLS says that
people notice this (talk about taking minimum impact too far!)
One problem with my set-up is that the lid has no handle (I like to
check the baking every five minutes (yeah, I know you're not
supposed to do that!)). I guess this could be fixed by getting
someone to weld a chunk of metal to the outside of the lid.
Here's the important part: according to NOLS, after you're done
with the fire, you must walk around slowly, gently blowing the
ashes and twig remnants off the lid with your breath. That way, no
one will ever notice that you've built a fire. This is where the
artistry comes in: take ten minutes, no, fifteen, to do this.
Hell, make it a day hike. Last time I did it, I ran into a female
moose and a calf. You know, female moose (meese?)--the ones that
are supposed to be able to fend off an attacking bear when their
calves are threatened? But this particular moose in its superior
wisdom realized what a kind soul I was. I got to within twenty
yards of her, leaned up against a tree, and exchanged long stares
with her and her progeny. Must have stayed there for half an hour.
Was one of the high points of my wilderness experience. And all
because I scattered my ashes.
cheers, from
charles s. geiger, esq.
The University of Texas at Austin, Austin, Texas
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From: "Daniel F. Boyd" <consp04@BINGVAXU.CC.BINGHAMTON.EDU>
A computer-generated random flame.
Why, the system staff is fascist! Your ignorance reminds me of a surfboard.
How can you say that Multics is a really unpleasant operating system? Don't you
realise that Lassie was dead? Lousiness is pretty fun. I have many crazy
friends. Fool! How can you say that Groucho is improper? Life is subtlety,
right? You make me sick. You disgusting Chinese wanker! Ban religions! Your
prejudice reminds me of a bug fix. You should have a computer, huh? Don't you
realise that I wish I were a source license? I don't want to hear about your
sexual fantasy. You must be a real rat to think that short people don't get
married to fascist people because they can't spray paint that small. You sound
like a real sadist. Your lousiness reminds me of a system call. Primitive old
arsehole!
Arf arf arf...
-- Dan
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Will ship separately, once I get the new list from HershM00se.
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TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I
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