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Milk_Issue_08
Û Û [MiLK] Û Û
Û Û Û Û
Û Û Mighty Issue # 8 Û Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Tang Beverage Crystals.." Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Epic Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û
ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
Well, it has just recently occurred to me that some of you have not
yet been acquainted to the divine beverage known as Tang. Milk is, of course,
a healthy source of calcium, and is needed for a "balanced diet", but if you
travel farther out in the world of elixirs, you will doubtlessly return
stirring a thick glass of Tang.
As most of you know, what you get when you purchase Tang is basically
a big jar with stuff in it. The stuff inside is what we are interested in
here (although the jars have many uses of their own, which will be discussed
in greater detail later). Tang is a orange granular powder, when combined
with water, or combined with the saliva in your mouth, that produces a
wonderful taste sensation.
If you read the label on the nearest jar of Tang, it will become
apparent that Tang is very beneficial to your lifestyle.
* Contains 100% US RDA for Vitamin C (refer to appendix A for complete
US RDA statistics)
* Also contains 5 other essential vitamins
* Natural orange flavor
* No preservatives
Tang, like breakfast cereal, can be purchased in many different sizes,
ranging from 15 ounce jars, to giant 5 pound containers (for the true
connoisseur). Tang beverage crystals can be found at most major supermarkets.
But, there are some things to watch out for when you go to your local Jewel to
buy Tang. In it's natural, pure powder form, Tang is a tasty drink. However,
merchandisers have set out to cash in on the Tang phenomenon. There is an
'alternate' flavor, called "MANGO TANG", which is now being sold on
supermarket shelves. Whatever you do, DO NOT BUY IT. It is not the "natural
orange flavor" that you were expecting, but simply a disgusting blend of
tangerines, mangos, and other tropical fruits that Mr. Tastebud would
definitely give a thumbs DOWN to. Tang is also marketed in juice box
containers along with drinks such as Hi-C. Although this form of Tang has
vaguely the correct flavor, it's potency is DRASTICALLY less then a well-mixed
glass of regular Tang. These boxes are like Tang for infants.
But I know you people out there are not infants, and desire real
quality, strong taste in your beverage. Well, look no further, because I will
now give Epic's instructions for mixing a proper dosage of Tang. There are
instructions for this mixing on the label of the jar, but these are wholly
inadequate for our purposes. First of all, you'll have to remove the lid.
There should be a thin paper layer (with the Tang logo embossed across it)
that completely separates the Tang from the open air. This is to preserve
freshness, and to ensure safety (you wouldn't want Bad Mr. Psycho putting any
poisons into your beverages). Strike this barrier with your knuckle with
moderate force, and it will break with a satisfying <pop>. Magic Tang dust
will most likely be spread out into the air, but do not fear, there is much,
much more where that came from.
You will now need to locate something suitable to drink your Tang out
of. Glasses work fine, but I prefer a large frosted mug. Pour your desired
amount of beverage crystals into the glass. There is a chart on the side of
the jar with suggested amounts. Throw this away, and maybe even stomp on it
before you do so. It is weak. My standard measure would be to multiply the
suggested levels by four or five (The jar recommends 4 teaspoons for one
glass. You should use about 16-20 teaspoons). With a little practice you can
measure this level by eyesight, and will never have to measure your Tang
again.
After your Tang has been successfully transferred in a proper amount
into your holder of choice, it is time for the liquid to be added. You can
use water (tap, from the fridge, bottled, distilled, 2%, from your showerhead,
in gaseous form, etc. Any form really will do.) or whatever other kinds of
creative juices that you can come up with. Stir the liquid into your Tang with
a stirring utensil, and then your task is completed.
Having successfully mixed a glass of Tang, put your sweet lips to
your glass and enjoy. If you feel that your dosage of beverage crystals is not
strong enough, add more. And be generous, share your Tang with your friends,
and let them know what a wonderful thing that Tang can be for you both.
I would like to take this portion of this file to clear up some
'myths' about Tang that have been floating around for some time.
Myth : You can get AIDS from sharing a glass of Tang.
FALSE: There has not once been a confirmed case of Tang being a carrier for
the AIDS virus.
Myth : If you drink too much Tang, you can get sick.
FALSE: Tang is pure goodness. Although Vitamin C can be toxic in massive
amounts, the amount ingested through drinking Tang, no matter HOW
much, could really not adversely affect your health at all
Myth : Tang is habit-forming.
TRUE : Although medical studies have proven that Tang cannot cause a chemical
dependency, drinkers of Tang tend to want more and more. This is not
due to any addictive substances in the drink, but however the pleasant
taste sensations that Tang gives to the human mouth.
Myth : Eating Tang raw is bad for you.
FALSE: ABSOLUTELY not. One of the best ways to enjoy Tang is direct from the
beverage crystals. Licking your finger and sticking it in the jar, or
even taking a mouthful directly from the jar are perfectly acceptable
means of ingesting this divine substance. The raw crystals can in no
way be harmful to you, and often provide a better, more potent tangy
flavor.
With some of those myths cleared up, hopefully people will be able to
enjoy their Tang without fear. Simple nourishment and taste is not the only
thing that can be gained from this wonderful substance. Here are some other
uses for Tang that me and various friends have discovered :
* Smoking material - If mixed with tobacco (or other smokeable
substances), Tang can be smoked. It adds a definite twist of flavor
to the smoke, which some people find quite enjoyable, and enhances
the smoking experience.
* Hair dye - If especially potent Tang is mixed (approx. 1 part Tang
to 1 part water), the mixture can be used to add a shiny orangish
tint to hair, which is very attractive. This works best on blonde
hair, but may show some results for darker shades.
* Flavoring for tea and coffee - Replace your sugar bowl with a jar
of Tang for a refreshing new flavor for your other beverages.
* Jewelry - The lid and jar of Tang can be used in making various kinds
of jewelry (such as necklaces, bracelets, and earrings) that can even
be sold at a comfortable profit)
* Communication - As with cans, empty jars of Tang can be an economical
device for communication. Simply attach a string to the bottoms of
two jars, and speak into the hole while the other person listens
through the whole. Watch AT&T have a conniption when they start losing
customers to the Tang Friends and Beverages Program.
* Deodorant - Just vigorously shake your jar of Tang, and then remove
the lid. Powderised Tang will emanate from the jar, filling the area
with an aromatic fragrance sure to combat any nasty odors.
* Freshness - Just like baking soda, you can place an open jar of Tang
anywhere to keep things fresh. It improves the air quality, and even
repels moths!
* And lastly, Recycling - Your Tang jar is an eco-friendly container.
After enjoying the last of your beverage crystals, you can use the jar
to store anything around your home that might need storage. And if you
don't need to store anything around your home, take the jar to your
local recycling center, and Captain Planet himself will give you a
thumbs up!
I think that's about all for this informative study of the beverage
known as Tang. Please show this to all of your beverage drinking friends, and
spread the holy word of Tang around as much as possible. If you have any
questions about Tang, I (Epic), can be easily reached on the Lunatic Phringe
BBS (708-232-0565), or the Obloid Sphere (708-965-3098). There is also a hot
line provided by Kraft General Foods (the makers of Tang) for any of your
questions or comments. Feel free to call 1-800-431-1002, toll free, 9-4 (EST),
weekdays only. Thank you, and remember, FUCK moderation, grab yourself some
Tang and DRINK UP.
Meetz + Greetz = Frizzle Fry, Puddlez, Rodney Rathbone, Tommy The Cat,
Nature Boy, DanziG, and all my other Tang drinkin'
buddies. I couldn't have done this without you guys.
------------------------------------------------------------
Appendix A - US RDA Nutrition Information Per Serving (*)
Serving Size... 6 fl oz. Calories...... 70g Protein........ 0g
Carbohydrates.. 19g Sodium........ 0g Fat............ 0g
* - Note that Epic's suggested serving size is 4-5 times the suggested
serving size on the container. Adjust the information for your needs.
Appendix B - Percentages of US RDA
Protein....... * Riboflavin.... 10% Vitamin B6..... 10%
Vitamin A..... 10% Niacin........ 10% Folic Acid..... 20%
Vitamin C..... 100% Calcium....... * Iron........... *
* - Contains less than 2% of the USA RDA of these nutrients
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®
[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098
[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield
Nyarlathotep
Epic
[MiLK] Issue Number - 8
[MiLK] Issue Size - 10881 Bytes
[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/09/94
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ "You IDIOT! That's the Milk-curdler Button!" ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®
