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M00se Droppings Issue 44
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STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AI
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 44 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 09/08/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
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EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
More rantings from the Editor
Comments on possible directions for the M00se Illuminati
The Elvis/Boats debate
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Updated m00se files
EVENTS AND NEWS
A new landedm00se
Rat Pucking in Connecticut
INTERESTING ARTICLES
Signs of Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age
FILM REVIEW
Pump Up the Volume
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
A new look at the Iraq situation
A possible new feature for M00se Droppings
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Hail and well met.
You now hold in your grubby little account issue #44 of M00se Droppings.
Congratulations. Spread it far and wide, and try to increase our membership.
Those of you who are more astute than the average toad may have noticed
that this issue is kind of late. Well, I apologize for that, and can only
plead lameness. Yes, that's right - I am leading a Lame Life.
Now, this shouldn't come as too great a surprise. Most people lead lame
lives, but most people don't notice it. As my roommate said (and as other,
better people have said before him): You go to school, you graduate, you get a
job that you don't really like, you either get married or never meet anybody
who will consent to join you in that venture, and then you just kind of exist.
The problem is, you get bored, and then you get listless, and then you
don't get around to doing things like editing and mailing your magazine, just
because.
But then, you realize that you have founded a Force for Good in the world,
named the M00se Illuminati, and that you must not be quite normal after all,
and that goddamn it, you're going to put that magazine out because it's one of
the few things that can counteract the drudgery of your pathetic text
processing job. So, here it is!
Nah, it's not really that bad. It just usually seems to be. Especially
after being put into a bad mood by a second viewing of "Pump Up the Volume,"
reviewed below. There have been a couple most interesting events recently, all
of which we will come to presently.
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Now we have some comments on some of my proposed projects for the M00se
Illuminati, from MagicM00se, aka Freed0m M00se:
Personally, I like the M00se Illuminati precisely _because_
there are no membership cards, no dues, no purpose. Sure, we're
all atheists or pagans, anarchists or revolutionaries, but to try
to define the limits of our vision is to give up our freedom, our
m00siness.
OK, I know you don't want to push any ONE viewpoint on the
masses of m00ses, but to organize is to label, and when we become
known as a group we will be viewed as a group. What worse fate
could there be for a m00se, born to know the freedom of the fjords?
Well, that's my 2 kopeks worth. I say we stay a chaotic
thr0ng, difficult to keep track of.
"M00si i'halla shansu"
"M00sey peace upon you", in the Old Tongue of Jennifer Roberson's
books.
The fact that no progress on any of these projects has been made aside, I
would like to comment. I have indeed ruled out dues entirely; I don't want to
take any steps to *reduce* membership. However, *if* we start a paper
newsletter, there will be a subscription fee, just because whoever does the
printing will at least want to break even. I promise you that a paper
newsletter will never replace M00se Droppings; it will be purely for the
benefit of people who don't have net access, but want to receive semi-regular
news of the M00se Illuminati. It would also be useful in that it could be left
where other people would find it.
As for membership cards and the like, again, I certainly would not make
them mandatory. But wouldn't it be neat to flip one out when you got carded,
or when you were asked for ID? Probably not the kind of thing the organization
as a whole should do; but I encourage m00ses to waste money at the printers
having personal M00se Illuminati business cards made for themselves.
Some people have expressed a dislike for the compiling of m00se lists.
I'm going to continue to do this, though, because I am very curious about how
far the conspiracy is spreading. I recently discovered that the info files (an
old version, I believe) worked its way onto some Internet usegroups. I got
email from a person who said he saw a physical copy stuck on an actual cork-
based bulletin board in New York City. Obviously, I won't be able to keep
track of all, or even most of the m00ses. But it's so much fun to wave the
numbers at people who called me mad!
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Lastly, before going ahead with the issue, I wish to keep you all
appraised of a debate raised by last issue's not-plain brown wrapper.
Warm00se, who I ran into again at the faire in Sterling, New York, informed me
that the line is not "Elvis *eats* boats," but rather "Elvis *needs* boats."
I'm sure you'll all agree with me that this is patently absurd. We have proven
that Elvis is a superior being. What on earth would he need boats for? Elvis
has no needs. Maybe he *wants* boats, but to say that he needs them makes no
sense. Sorry Pat.
For more information, go to your local comic book store and purchase a
copy of "The Elvis Mandible," in which many secrets are revealed.
On with the issue,
Bill.
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
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Just to announce it again, updated m00se files are available. And now,
when you order updated files, you will receive an updated m00se list as well.
Keep sending submissions! Keep recruiting new members!
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****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
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[Along with the new effort to list and keep track of landedm00ses (those
chapters without network access), it seems only appropriate to discuss them
once in a while. Thanks to Lord Trelf for this piece. -wrd]
Hail and well met, my dear fellow M00ses! 'Tis I, Lord Trelf, posting at
last after a long absence from contributing, and I bring glad tidings indeed!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER! At the Sterling Renaissance Faire in Sterling, NY this
weekend (August 18 and 19), Lady Rebecca Hughes was inducted as a full member
of the M00se Illuminati. She had been subjected to many confusing ramblings by
myself, Sabre, CHAOS Engineer, and WarM00se, and began to ask questions; rather
than explain, we made her a member! To show her willingness to fight for our
causes peacefully, she did run about the parking lot, holding her hands in the
M00se symbol and bl00ping merrily. We who were there at her induction (myself,
Sabre, and CHAOS Engineer) feel that she is an excellent addition to the
Illuminati.
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[A report of a m00sey event, by Pickle. -wrd]
Labor Day. It happens every year. It strikes me as a completely stupid
idea, celebrating labor, something that we only do because we have to eat.
Something we do when we could be out walking in the woods, canoeing down the
Chattooga, making love in the public square.
But this time -- this year, it was different. The sun shone, the breeze
was perfect, and students had just returned to the University of Hartford.
Mike Harm and I woke up in our New Britain apartment, looked outside, and
vowed not to spend the day indoors. Sadly, suffering from Romantic
Deprivation, we had no special anybodys to take on a picnic, and we've already
climbed Avon Mountain this summer, and we couldn't afford to go to an amusement
park.
Then, I started thinking back to the renaissance faire in Sterling. They
had an activity there called "rat pucking," which seems to be a poor person's
medieval version of golf. You take a rat and a stick, and you fling, or
"puck," the rat along the fairway until you can get it through the target,
usually the crotch of a tree.
I suggested it. Mike decided it must be done. We shopped around and
couldn't find any stuffed rats, so we went to my house and made some out of
some ratty old furry fabric I had, left over from my high school theatre days.
We constructed a pair of fine rats, Terence and Pat Buchanan by name, and
then cut down a couple small trees for pucking sticks. After a little work
with a chainsaw and a utility knife (with which I accidentally gouged a decent-
sized hole in my leg), we took the assemblies to the University of Hartford,
and began pucking.
The Village Apartment green was swarming with newly-arrived students, many
of them jocks and frat types. Oddly enough, none of them scoffed. We soon had
an audience, and after our second game, two charming women came out of the
apartment nearby and asked if they could play. We eventually picked up three
more people, and wandered around the green from apartment quad to apartment
quad, pucking a hole in each quad. Audiences applauded and cheered, and sent
delegates to find out what we were up to. All in all, it was a fine afternoon,
and the charming women (Sharon and Marie by name) invited us back to their
apartment for dinner. It happened also to be my old friend Missy's apartment
(Missy is another spectacularly charming woman), and we all had pesto and
spinach salad and watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
Conclusion: Rat Pucking is a most m00sey sport, and can help you meet
cool people. Go, and enjoy.
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[Who needs the Oracle? It seems we have a prognosticator right here in our own
organization. Here is the beginning of the revelations of Lord Sabre. -wrd]
***The Vision***
On August 20, 1990, while sitting at work after being sick all the week
before and then staying out until 2:30 in the morning dancing and carrying on
the night before, and after far too much coffee, the young, semi-relusive m00se
known only as Sabre entered a reverie and was able to fortell...the *Signs of
Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age*! These mystic, some would
even say unlikely events passed through his fatigue poison-soaked brain like
rabbits through a kiln.
Feeling it was his duty to let his brethren know the signs of the age of
M00se, Sabre did place them in an electronic medium, so that the Bavarians (who
of course control the vital YALEVM/CUNY link) would be too confused to properly
restrict it. Therefore, here are the beginnings of the Signs.
When the seas do turn red, and the skys indigo (in the
precise shades to insure lack of color coordination),
then will the forces from the stars run rampant across
our fair land. These forces -- the power of Leviam00se
and other m00sey types, will first visit a nearby McDonald's
for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese and fries, side of nuggets,
and a large Orange Drink. Unfortunatly, the all-powerful
forces will attempt to go through the drive-through, and
lack of communication will waylay them for a considerable
amount of time. Months, perhaps.
Meanwhile, Madonna will be looking out her veranda, trying
to decide what corset to wear to the neighborhood mall,
will be visited by God.
"Hello, Madonna," the Almighty will say.
"Yeah, what?" She will respond.
"I have come to you, my child, to call on you to bring
forth a message of hope and peace to the world."
"Right. Who is this really?"
"Look, I am God. Father, son, spook, the whole bit. All I
want from you is for you to go back to some normal hair
color, put on some clothes, and go tell people to be nice
to each other. You think you can handle that?"
"Look, I don't care how omnipotent you are, God," Madonna
will say, pouting, "*I* have an image to maintain, and it
doesn't involve brown hair or decent clothing. And there's
no money in 'be nice to each other.' Try Sheena Easton -- I
hear she's a sucker for a sappy line."
"Look, I'm trying to--"
"Buzz off!"
"Right!" And thus will God rise up, take Madonna up into
his all-powerful hand, and cast her down forever into the
pit of eternal damnation. This will be the first sign.
"No," the impossibly mighty Leviam00se, ticked now, will say, "I
want a *QUARTER-POUNDER*! *CHEESE!!!!* Can you hear me?"
"Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm?" the voice from the machine
will ask.
"QUARTER-POUNDER!!!!!!!!"
Thor, mightiest of Norse deities, will visit North America,
and announce plans for a North American Tour. He will make
plans to do some Anthrax covers, and perhaps a bit of Black
Sabbeth. When asked about the quality of his singing voice,
Thor will hurl his uru hammer Mjolner, obliterating Dan Rather
utterly and interfering with television reception across the
tri-state area. Then, as a gesture of faith, he will smite
down the New Kids on the Block, maiming but sparing them. The
scarred and rended New Kids will refuse to do any more magazine
covers. This will be the Second sign.
More signs will come forth...perhaps, with luck, the seer will not be
nearly as tired and the general humor quality will improve.
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******************************** FILM REVIEW ***********************************
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PUMP UP THE VOLUME
Reviewed by Pickle
"Eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark," advises
Happy Harry Hardon just before he signs off, before the opening credits of
"Pump Up the Volume." Sound advice, I'm sure you'll agree.
Happy Harry Hardon is a pirate DJ in Suburbia, Arizona (I'm pretty sure
it's Arizona). His real name is Mark Hunter, his father is the new
superintendent of the district, he can't reach any of his friends back east on
his shortwave set, and he hates school. He's too shy to actually speak to
anybody, so at ten o'clock at night, he cranks up the shortwave and broadcasts
his show on 92fm. The students start listening, they start getting more active
in their discontent with their wretched situation as teenagers in an empty
decade, and the Authority Reflex kicks in to try to put a stop to it.
It sounds fairly familiar, but this is a much better movie than the
standard "young people are the only ones with a clue and should start doing
something about it" movie. If the movie is taken the right way, it could be
real bad for the status quo in America. "Steal the air! It belongs to you!"
Mark/Harry shouts at the end of the film. And he's *right*. Where does the
U.S. Government get off controlling use of electromagnetic waves running
through the planet's atmosphere? We've had a lot of things usurped from us,
and this film advises us to start taking them back. It made me want a
shortwave set, anyway.
Christian Slater, the psychopath who understood things pretty well in the
black comedy "Heathers," plays Mark/Harry. He does an excellent job of showing
us the confident Harry when alone, talking to a microphone, and then switching
to the totally socially inept Mark when in the presence of others. And, as in
Heathers, he has a co-star who I would marry in an instant, given the chance.
I have a list of the cast, but not the characters, in front of me; Nora is
played by either Ellen Greene or Samantha Mathis. I think it's Mathis. She's
a dark-haired, artsy-fartsy type who isn't really quite as uninhibited as she
pretends to be. Not quite enough to push Winona Ryder out of her place in my
heart, but close.
The adults in the movie are, almost without exception, total boneheads.
Sadly, I'm over twenty myself, and so I'm no longer quite as sure of the truth
of this as I was a couple years ago. But in general, it works.
The main weakness of the film is the villainess, the principle of Hubert
H. Humphrey High School. There is a totally unnecessary subplot involving her
extreme and nasty methods of maintaining the school's record of having the
highest average SAT scores in the state. It's almost as if somebody didn't
like the idea that life as a teenager could suck so badly no matter where you
are, so they insisted that this subplot be written in to demonstrate that this
particular high school has something *really* wrong with it. Hard Harry's
rants on his shortwave apply to Life As We Know It in America; insertion of
this "bad guy" dilutes that message, allowing one to see the problems as
isolated at Harry's/Mark's high school. But for those who can look past this
problem, the movie works extremely well, and may even wake some people up.
One final note: one of the dropouts in the film is played by one Billy
Morrisette. I'm not sure which one; I've seen the movie twice and still can't
pick him out for sure. You may have seen him as Alex's college chum in "Family
Ties" if you ever watch that show. *I* last saw him when he directed my junior
high-school production of "Bye-Bye, Birdie." Yup, he went to my high school.
I think he graduated four or five years before I did. The lead singer,
guitarist, and songwriter for "Chronic Disorder" and "Thick As Thieves," Jason
Wentzel (sp?), was in my class in high school. My brushes with greatness. But
I digress.
Go see "Pump Up the Volume." It's good, it's hip, it's got Christian
Slater and a new dark-haired funky woman, and hopefully it'll speed up the
downfall of the United States government.
Talk hard. Steal the air. Pump up the volume.
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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[Oh dear. This piece, submitted by Ice Lord, was pirated from WEIRD-L, but
since it came originally from the Boston Globe, I don't feel bad about
including it. I'm pretty sure all but the first paragraph is made up. In
any case, it fits in well as an example of both a political slant and a truly
bizarre, m00sey thing. Also, those of us who are suffering from "romantic
deprivation" might want to consider invading a small country. -wrd]
BOSTON GLOBE, 8/22/90 p. 48
Suffused with humanitarian concern, Italian legislator and ex-porno star
Illona Staller volunteered to fling woo with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on the
theory that a birthday suit frolic might relieve his hostilities. "I'm
available to make love with Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East," said
Staller in a statement as immodest and forward as the on-screen conduct that
made her a star. Known as Cicciolina, or "Little Toy," Staller volunteered
herself during an interview on a Buenos Aires talk show. Why Staller was in
Argentina and why she believes that romantic deprivation may account for
Saddam's invasion of Kuwait were not made clear in wire service reports.
In related stories, French President Francois Mitterand offered to perform
an act of oral gratification on Hussein in return for the release of French
nationals in Iraq, and British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President
Bush issued a joint statement this morning suggesting that Hussein engage in a
masturbatory act.
Congressional leaders are in their third day of conferences concerning
action to be taken on the crisis in the middle east, sequestered in a Motel 6
in suburban Baltimore. Options being discussed, revealed House Armed Services
Chairman Les Aspin of Colorado, include a pre-emptive bombing attack on Baghdad
and distribution of thousands of rubber party dolls to Iraqi troops.
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[Life according to Mugwump, and a suggestion for more m00se activity. -wrd]
I think a m00se chased my cat away this morning.
I'm bummed.
It doesn't seem like a very m00sey thing to do.
I think there are anti-m00se out there, masquerading as m00se.
I think G.B. and his playmate little Saddy are the anti-m00se.
Unless it's Tipper Gore.
What do you think? Should we start giving out a prize for the m00siest
and least m00siest actions every issue of Droppings?
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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There have been many changes since last issue, so I will send a complete
list of Cyberm00ses after this issue.
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R -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL THE AIR -- STEAL T
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