ldt008: Being the Machine
#008 - [ Being the Machine ] [ jarvis ]
"i wish i was a machine; machines don't have problems"
-andy warhol
although warhol never was a machine, he did an admirable job of trying to be one. warhol mass produced pop art and, in his paintings, captured on canvas pictures of the people and the happenings of many generations. luckily for warhol, he was unable to have sex because of a disease he had which would have made sex painful.
i look at the work of a dear friend of mine and note how far ahead of me he is; he has done over twice as many exploits as i have. what happened? i believe there was a time when i was ahead of this friend.. i had more connections, was more on top of things, and down with more of the key players in the then-'scene'. how did this happen? i was lost in a hopeless 4+ year relationship that went nowhere and in the end i got screwed over. i could have been burried in my work and lord knows how far i'd have gone if it wasn't for this. why? i told myself that i learned something from the experience, but here i am letting it happen again.
i'm with my 'ideal' girl; that's how she seemed anyway.. in looks, and how she painted her personality on the outside, i suppose she was my ideal girl but it seems she is doing the same thing the other girl did.
she is attracted to another guy (an asshole who fucks 16 year olds and who she was supposedly disgusted by)... she is far away, and i can't do anything about her hanging out with this loser but worry. all of this is a bit beyond the scope of this txt so i will not bore u with the details any longer.
being in a situation like this makes me unable to focus on anything else for very long. i have what i see as almost the perfect job and now i have ample time to concentrate on it as well as my own work, but i'm having a difficult time not letting this fuck with me. i'm nowhere near perfect, but i'm not an asshole and at least i've done more than the novell admin she is falling for. i don't see young girls as a conquest, and i've done more than he ever will and have lived almost half as long as he has. what's it worth, though? it's worth something to me, but i know i could have done more.
as an example of people's "magik" traits, crowley described something similar to an obsessive man who wasted all of what could have been positive obsessive energy worrying about some girl he was madly in love with. that's me in a nutshell.
i'm not saying you shouldn't get involved with anyone, but really ask yourself: "am i satisfied with what i've done enough to try to get involved/have i established myself enough?". i know what you're thinking; thinking this way, i will end up old, bitter, and alone. you may end up old, bitter, and alone but wouldn't you rather be that way and have accomplished something for yourself than if you were old, bitter, alone, and still desperately in love with someone who didn't feel the same way and you are left wondering what you could have been.
i don't know what will happen. _everything_ is different now. even if i do somehow come out of this, everything has changed, many things have been done, and there are few sunbirds left to soar with (or who have the time anymore and are not completely underground).
just think. i leave u with a song by iggy pop:
mass production
by iggy pop
before you go,
do me a favour;
give me a number
of a girl almost like you
with legs almost like you
i'm burried deep in mass production
you're not nothing new
i like to drive along the freeways,
see the smokestacks belching
breasts turn brown
so warm and so brown
though i try to die,
you put me back on the line
ah, damn it to hell
back on the line
hell back on the line
again and again
i'm back on the line
again and again
and i see my face here
and it's there in the mirror
and it's up in the air
and i'm down on the ground
by the way
i'm going for cigarettes
and since you've gotta go
won't you do me that favour
won't you get me that number
won't you get me that girl
yeah, she's almost like you
yes, she's almost like you
and i'm almost like him
yes, i'm almost like him
yes, i'm almost like him
YEAH I'M ALMOST LIKE HIM!@#@*!#&
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Long Dark Tunnel 2001. - http://ldt.aguk.co.uk - ldt@hushmail.com
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