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Krad Issue 016
Issue 016
-(-) KRaD 'ZiNE (-)-
-____-_____-
"The only 'zine with all the up-to-date
information on warez, zero-day, and other
elite information you need to know in order
to survive today!"
K0MpiLaTiOn: Panther Modern (eleet!)
pmodern@xln.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*%%%%%%%%* *
% The Revolution
%********% %
It's upon us, my friends! The Revolution is finally here. Yes, people have
been predicting it for a long time, but did anyone really expect it? I'm not
quite sure. But as of today, I witnessed the first signs that show the
coming!
Yes, I witnessed an insurance salesman walking down the street, going from
door-to-door, trying to sell off his insurance to the unwitting souls who
are too naive to know better! The insurance salesman of doom, I call him,
because I know what he's really up to!
They're all in on it. The insurance salesmen, the environmentalists, and
those goddamn kows (see later this issue). They're forming their own agenda
for world domination, and no one can stop them. Except for you. The
informed, the readers of KRaD. Yes, as readers of the one up to the minute
information journal that truely informs, you have an edge, my loyal readers.
You, alone, will be able to survive the rigors of the hellish creation which
these horrid underground groups will attempt to create using methods that
make one cringe at even a thought! Keep your heads high, my KRaD friends,
for you will last! You will strive to create zero-day havens even in the
midst of the anarchic destruction which the revolution will surely bring!
Now, let me get you up to date. The insurance companies have been planning
this for years, but it's only coming out into the public eye just now,
thanks to a bit of inside information I received recently. You will be the
first to know, of course.
You see, by selling "homeowner's" insurance, these companies are able to tap
money from the unwitting homeowner that would otherwise remain in the flow.
However, now that same money is in the hands of the insurance salesmen, and
their evil groups of demons who plot to destroy you, me, and the rest of the
world! In a secret clause, that most people don't even notice, placed at
clause number 666a. in that large agreement which most homeowners don't even
bother to read when they buy their insurance, states that the insurance will
actually be used "For the betterment of the earth, by dictation of the Kow
Empire."
Yes, the Kows have bought out the insurance salesmen, and they're
controlling the spending of the insurance money! By stockpiling secret Kow
weaponry, the Kows are preparing for ultimate war against the human race!
But wait! That's not it! The environmentalists are also evil members of the
Kow alliance! They are preserving the methane content in the environment,
such that the Kows' evil plan to destroy the earth will bear fruit! Working
in secret agreement with the insurance salesmen, these environmental
destructionists will go to no ends to aid in the Kow Plan!
Yes, the revolution has begun. The revolution of the Kows. We must act now,
my friends, before it's too late. Hide yourselves, and if you see a Kow
walking down the street, run, find shelter, and get the grill ready.
Refer, if you will, to the final article in this issue. It will get you
up-to-date on the Kow takeover, and give you more information about what to
do in case of Kattle.
And remember. Never lose faith in the Zero-Day.
---------------------------------------------------------
************************
** KRaD Official List **
************************
Yes, it's that time again. Time for the KRaD Official List, with all the
neeto official information all about the KRaD 'zine. Fun, eH?
Official KRaD E-Mail Address:
pmodern@xln.com
Comments: This very neeto system let me get on the inforoad after much
struggle (1 gig of zero-day in the admin's home directory did the
trick.). It was very elite, and I thought to myself, "Wow, I'm actually
on the Inforoad!" Suddenly, I realized that the inforoad wasn't as cool
as Time Magazine said it was, so I got off. But I kept my email
address, just in case.
Official KRaD FTP Site:
ftp://rmii.com/pub2/KRaD
Official KRaD Web Site:
http://rmii.com/~dkobey
Comments: The inforoad being too complex for the normal Kourrier, David
Kobey offered to set me up with a site that all Kourriers could
congregate at, get the newest 0-day info, and continue in their
Kourriering pursuits undaunted. Of course, I allowed him to do so.
Official KRaD Newsgroup:
alt.2600 (alt.krad coming soon!)
Comments: The Haqurz being the most uneducated of the non- Kourriering
public, I decided that they required access to the KRaD 'Zine almost
more than the actual Kourriers! I tracked them down through the
inforoad, and found several of them on this newsgroup. Even though it's
been a successful transition from Haqur newsgroup to KRaD newsgroup,
alt.krad will allow for fully automated KRaD conversation, and the true
haqurz can all congregate there from now on.
Official KRaD Bulletin Boards:
Realm of Chaos
ZeitGeist
Virtual Utopia
Official KRaD Writers and Members List:
Members:
-------
Panther Modern (Editor/Kompiler)
David Kobey (Publisher)
Pizza Dude (Associate)
Inubus (Song Writer)
King Zero! (Telephony)
Jer0m3 (ANSi)
Black EyE-S (Programming)
Super Elite Man (Insanity)
War3z-Warri0r-896 (Kewlness)
Members-Who-Quit:
----------------
Meep (BLEAH!)
Writers-Who-Aren't-Members:
--------------------------
The Warez Kid, The Narc, The K0d3z Master, Dah Fantom Koder, The Dewd
Johnnie, Jether', Trader of 0-day Gamez (But N0t Appz!), The Kewl Guy
Anonymous, The Power Kourrier, King Elite, Testicular Erektion[303]
Sergent McGruff , The Village Man John Doe #2, The Speler, .ZIP-File
Phil, Insekt, Grimm The Warez Ranger, Elektr0n, Sister-Lover, Diskette
Killer, Infoman The Krytik, DarkGuy, Remote Kontrol, Futurist, Sianyde,
Thuthan Warez Willy, Swamp Ratte'/cDc, Elektriq Head, Antiant, Jim
Romary TCP, muwt@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu's Friend, The Red Power Ranger,
Ty-Rone
---------------------------------------------------------
=============> Peter Johnson Productions Presents <=============
------ Penile Enlargement ------
---- Made Easy ----
It all started one day when I was looking down into my pants, and I noticed
that there wasn't much there. I said to myself, "I wish there was more
there!" I was determined to get more there.
Looking through the paper, I found an ad for "Penile Enlargement." "Wow," I
said! I can get an enlargement, and there there will be lots more down
there! I called the place, but they said that it would cost a few thousand
dollars, money which I just don't have. I was still determined, however, and
I figured that if they can enlarge it, so can I!!
That's why I've developed the Peter Johnson Method for Penile Enlargement
Made Easy! It's simple, easy, and lots of fun!
I feel that length is the most important facet, so I'll cover that area
first. I tried many techniques during my experimentation, including: Pulling
really hard with pliers, twisting it around and around trying to make it get
longer, and tying it with a rope to the back of a car and having the driver
accelarate quickly. None of these seemed to work, however, so I was forced
to develop my own method. I determined that during sleep, a pully system
must be set up over the bed, with ropes attaching the penis to weights at
the other end of the system. At first, one should start with 40 lb weights,
slowly increasing the weight once or twice a week. I eventually got to over
400 lbs of weight against my penis, and it's now very streched out! This is
by far the best method possible for penile streching.
Thickness is, of course, an important factor, so I'll go over how to
increase it next! The most obvious method, cutting slits in the penis and
stuffing it full of sand, didn't seem to help too much, as the sand kept
falling out. I devised a better method, however, which involves placing an
air pump adjacent to the hole in the tip, and pumping up the penis until it
reaches 600 lbs pressure. Once this is done, a wax seal may be placed on the
tip in order to keep the air from leaking back out. This method seems to
work every time, and I would reccomend it.
As you can see, penile enlargement is very simple, and can be conducted by
most anyone in the comfort of your own home! Why pay thousands when you can
have a large penis simply by using a few simple techniques?
---------------------------------------------------------
****(***)****
* KRaD Guides
* Presents:
*************
==> The Guide To Keeping Connected During Your Day Outside
==> By: The Intruder
Everybody knows what the problem is with going on your Day Outside every
month. It's simple. No 0-day that day! You lose track of it for one day, and
your whole trade goes down the drain. I tried this for a few months, but I
just couldn't handle it. Finally, I discovered that even on my Day Outside,
I can keep track of the 0-day with no problem. The Warez will still keep
coming in, and I can go wherever I want with no worries! Yes, I have solved
all the problems that any Warez Kourrier could ever feel during his Day
Outside.
It's very easy, actually. You won't have to invest too much, and your mommy
can help you set up your system, such that you'll be able to go everywhere
in the city you want and still keep the Warez flowing!
First off, go to the store and buy several miles of the following:
* Electrical Extension Cord
* Phone Cord
* Also, buy lots and lots of duct tape.
You may want your mommy to buy it, so that you don't have to waste a Day
Outside doing so. But either way, get it somehow, or else you can't get
Warez during your Day Outside!!!!
Okay, now that you have that stuff, your first move is to pick up your
computer, or have your mommy do it, and strap the box to your back using
lots and lots of duct tape! Once that's done, strap the monitor to your
stomach, with the screen pointing upwards. This will allow you to look right
down at the monitor whenever you want. Your stomach will also provide a
nice, large platform for the monitor to rest upon. Remember to use lots and
lots and lots and lots of tape! You don't want anything to fall to the
ground and break, do you? That would be really, really, really, really,
really, really bad. You see what I'm trying to say?
You can carry the keyboard in your hand, so that you can use it whenever you
feel the need. Also, I'd reccomend strapping the modem on top of your head,
using some duct tape, and strapping the tape under your chin.
The next step is the cords. This part is easy; All you have to do is spool
them so that when you walk, it will feed out more cord! You can spool it all
around your arms; The telephone cord on your right arm, and the electric
cord on your left arm should make it work really really well! That way, you
can go all over town, and not run out of power, or phone lines!
Have your mommy stay at home and watch to make sure that no snags get in the
line, and that no problems occur. That way, everything will be kewl all day
long!
Just think of the recognition you'll get as you walk down the street, the
only warez Kourrier on the street who's moving warez even as he's walking
along! People will scream and shout with glee! You'll be known as the
elitest of the elite every time you go outside (never more than once a
month)! Just think of it! How kewl can you possibly get?!?!?
Yes, with this solution, anything will be possible. Fare well, brave
Kourrier, for you are now equipped to handle any situation at all.
---------------------------------------------------------
#$#$#$$$#$#$#
K0WZ:
The GNU
ELiTeNess
#$#$#$$$#$#$#
By: Kattle-Meister
[Image][Image] [Image]
Talk about elite! Those kows really know how to do elite stuff all the time,
and it's real kewl! I've seen so many kows do so much elite stuff, that I
feel kows are more elite than even zero-day kourriers!
Let me explain myself a bit here. You may not have seen what I've seen about
the kows. It's really a sort of inside exploration thing. You have to pay
very careful attention to the workings of the kows to understand what's
really happening with them. You see, the kows are very careful, such that
people don't REALLY know what's going on with them. I, however, have had the
luck, perhaps the skill, to see the kows in action, to see who, and what,
they REALLY are. Yes, kows. The NEW ELITENESS!
One day, I was walking down a lonesome country road, when I came upon a farm
full of kows. Most farms, as you probably know, are full of kows, so I
didn't really think too carefully on the subject, but just kept watching.
The kows were all acting as I thought kows should act: They were eating, and
mooing, and shitting, just like any other kows would.
Onwards I walked. I was a ways down a hill when I realized that I had
dropped a diskette of mine near the kows by accident while watching them, so
I headed back towards them, in order to get the diskette.
The kows, unfortunately for them, didn't see me coming. They didn't notice
as I snuck up, and saw what kows really are! Yes, I was able to hide my
surprise, and watch the kows, and see.. For kows, you must understand, are
not what you think they are. They're not even what I thought they are. You
must understand. Kows are the True Eliteness.
What first tipped me off was the definate lack of mooing as I re-approached
the kows. Instead of mooing, there was a low, electronic buzzing sound.
Also, I noticed a queer blue light coming up from the middle of the kow
field. I wondered if, perhaps, the farmer was doing something... Until I got
closer, and found the truth: Kows are not of the earth, but are really alien
creatures, with an evil vendetta to destroy the human race!
Instead of standing on all fours, the kows were all on their back legs,
standing upright, muttering to each other in some strange foreign language!
The kows were all standing around in a rough circle, staring into a floating
orb which emitted a bright blue light.. A picture of a kow was in the middle
of the light, and the kow was talking to them.. A message from their ALIEN
LEADER!
I listened carefully, and could make out the words "zero-day," "warez," and
"sodomy" amongst the conversation! I watched with more intent, and noticed
that they had my diskette! Suddenly, a loud MOO sounded, and they all bowed
before the diskette, for they knew that it was filled with only the newest
zero-day warez!
This was when I knew I could control these evil aliens. I approached them,
holding out several other disks, and yelled "ZERO-DAY!" The kowz paniced at
having been noticed, but kept their wits about them, and watched me with
caution. One of them stood out from the rest, and began speaking to me in
broken english!
"We want your warez!" the kow told me! I was awe struck, but managed to
question the kows regarding what they're doing here on Earth, among other
things. Here's what I found out.
Kows were sent to Earth eons ago with the intent of destroying the human
race. They're very slow animals, however, and they decided to take their
time about doing it. They decided that they would emit methane very slowly
into the air, until it permeated the air, and then light a match, blowing up
the earth! This will take several years yet, so we have time to act! Their
other method is by allowing humans to eat volunteer members of their race,
such that the humans would become fat and slow, and unable to fight back
against these powerful aliens! Whenever a kow doesn't follow Kow-Central
(The mothership!) orders, that Kow will be mutalated!
This, of course, explained every mystery regarding kows, but still didn't
explain their utterance of "sodomy." It was soon explained to me, however,
that if a human rapes a kow with enough skill, zero-day will be bestowed
upon him! I took this cue, and began raping numerous numbers of the kow
population on the farm...
Suddenly, however, the orb lit up again, and the head Kow began screaming
that the other Kows should kill me! I ran and ran, never looking back, and
until this day, have not told of my encounter with the Kows to anyone!
This is my plea: We must act now! We must destroy these evil kows, before
they destroy us! Their explosive methane emissions will blow up the earth!
We must not let them kill off the human race, and we must prohibit the
raping of kows before too much Kow zero-day gets spread throughout the
population!
You can help. Don't give zero-day to kows, or anyone who has any kind of
contact with kows. This especially includes fast-food restaraunt attendants
who will sell you poisoned Kow meat, and are actually agents of the Kow
Frontier for Universal Domination!
Be careful. The Kows are out there.
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K3eP mE Up-t0-DaT3 oN DaH KoW
HaPP3NiNKz sUcH THaT I kAn KEEp mY
ReAD3rZ inF0rMeD iN DaH NeAR FuTuR3.
Panther Modern
The Informer
pmodern@xln.com
