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Kill Yourself 16
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ÛÛÛ Û ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸
Û Û Û Û Û ³A 'zine that explores everything that's wrong.³
ÛÛ Û Û Û ³This includes: Earth, America, labels, stupid ³
Û Û Û Û Û ³people, illiteracy, incompitance, mainstream, ³
Û Û Û ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ³ignorance, religion,annoying people,education,³
Y O U R S E L F ³and whatever else we can think of that's wrong³
#16 ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ;
December 1995
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ISSUES/PROBLEMS...
ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ -A D.I.Y. PROJECT. THE ONLY WAY TO DO STUFF.-
ÝNot Enough Money To Go Þ
ÝAround In The World, WhyÞ -KILL YOURSELF IS ABSOLUTELY, DOUBTLESSLY FREE-
ÝUS in Bosnia?, Stop Þ
ÝRepeal of Assault Weap. Þ -FUCK (C) AND ANY OTHER FORM OF TRADEMARKING -
ÝBan and Netscape Þ
ÝChairman Promotes Key Þ
ÝEscrow Encryption. Þ
ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
SHORT STORIES/POETRY... Quote Of The Week...
ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ McCROSKEY'S CORNER
Ý"You Need A Break Today"Þ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ "i will never be white
Ý"Like Trying To Put A Þ Ý Relationships Þ proud and stupid. i
Ý Marshmellow Through A Þ ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß am no smarter than you
Ý A Keyhole" and "The Þ *-Visit the Kill Yourself kid. cause we both
Ý Tale of Mom and the Þ Web site at the address know what's right. its
Ý Toilet." and "The TruthÞ directy below this note. never black or white."
Ý About Santa." Þ
ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
--> http://hops.cs.jhu.edu/~mbk/killyourself.html <--
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
Thanks for all the entries contributed by everyone this year. I have
successfully completed 16 issues of Kill Yourself in about 6 months.
I couldn't have done it without you. Please keep sending material.
Things have gone well and have a corrupt holiday break. See you next year.
AND REMEMBER:
Don't complain because you aren't getting the attention you feel you deserve.
Instead, ask yourself what you have done to deserve any attention at all.
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ISSUES/PROBLEMS...
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³The following entry brought to you by Rob (magnum@magicnet.net) ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³PROBLEM 0 of 1 ³Not Enough Money To Go Around in the World³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
A bunch of whinning little whimps constantly complaining about
everything there is to complain about. It is a no win proposition.
Can you relate to this at all?
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³SOLUTION 0 of 1 ³Not Enough Money to go Around... ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
THE FOLLOWING ENTRY BROUGHT TO YOU BY DAVE (IAMHOLTZ@OAK.GROVE.IUP.EDU)
There are two kinds of people that have nothing to complain about:
The idle rich who have everything and the complete morons who know nothing.
It's quite evident which category you belong to.
THE FOLLOWING ENTRY BROUGHT TO YOU BY ROB (MAGNUM@MAGICNET.NET)
Bean, I wish it were the later one but the truth is I didn't quite know how
to respond to your question. But anyway it was interesting as I sat here and
read through your stuff with my kids that night. Good luck on your internet
gig it looks interesting to say the least.
THE FOLLOWING ENTRY BROUGHT TO YOU BY DAVE (IAMHOLTZ@OAK.GROVE.IUP.EDU)
Rob,
Thank you for your comments.
Take care.
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³The following entry brought to you by Dubrovko (dubravko@SUPERNET.NET) ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³PROBLEM 53353034 of 432643733 ³ Why US is Bosnia? ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
There is another line which appears about my homeland (former Yugoslavia)
frequently and is a lie. Some contribute the violence in my homeland at
least partially to the "premature" recognition of Croatia and Slovenia by
Germany and her steamrolling of other EU members to recognize Croatia and
Slovenia.
Please, once and for all, take a note: JNA (the Yugoslav so-called
People's Army whose proud member I used to be in 1973/74 being Tito's guard
myself) attacked the people of Slovenia and Croatia way before the
recognition came into being. Please also take a note that the war in
Croatia subsided by the time the said recognitions came about. City of
Vukovar was begin demolished in August, September, October, and November
1991 -- two months or more before recognition.
I went to Osijek to get my daughter out of war in October and, contrary to
some claims that the "black shirts" (the old Ustashe uniform) controlled the
country's eastern region, I did not see any, I repeat any. I did see, hear,
and feel very well the shells coming from the Serbian controlled territory,
slept in the basement and feared for my life and that of everyone else.<P>
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³SOLUTION 53353034 of 432643733 ³ Why US in Bosnia? ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
So, please, do stop with this bull... Read your history and the facts. I
hate the left propaganda and demagoguery more then I do the right propaganda
and demagoguery. It is very damaging to our cause. We need to be educated
and know our facts. Don't just follow some stupid line. We have seen where
that sort of shit has brought us. Sorry, but it does upset me when I see the
"line." I've had enough of it here and elsewhere.
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³The following entry brought to you by Rich W.(rich@pencil.math.missouri.edu)³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³PROBLEM 82137 of 8327454 ³ Stop Repeal of Assualt Weapons Ban ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
PEACE ACTION COALITION CORNER SPECIAL ALERT!!!
STOP THE REPEAL OF THE ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN!!!
The following action alert comes from our colleague organization
working to stop violence at home and abroad, New Yorkers Against
Gun Violence. Along with NYAGV, Handgun Control Inc. is
spearheading an effort to prevent the overturning of the assault
weapons ban nationwide. For more information on Handgun Control's
efforts, call them at (202) 898-0792, fax (202) 371-0574.<P>
NEW YORKERS AGAINST GUN VIOLENCE
URGENT LEGISLATIVE ALERT
ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN REPEAL IMMINENT
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR MEMBER OF CONGRESS TODAY
December 5, 1995 Today, House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced
that he plans to bring an appeal of the Ban on Assault Weapons to
the House floor for a vote in the next 10 days.
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³SOLUTION 82137 of 8327454 ³ Stop Repeal of Assault Weapons Ban ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
We need to let our representatives in Congress know that such an
effort is intolerable to us. Our voice must be heard to counter
the gun lobby. In this season of peace, why does Speaker Gingrich
want to allow weapons of warin this country?
So please call, fax, and e-mail Newt Gingrich. It is possible that
pressure will make him back down on even pushing for a vote.
Because of the immediacy of this issue, try to CALL or FAX any
comments to your Representative. Do the same to the White House,
to let the President know how much we value his vow to keep the ban
in place. Numbers are included below for Speaker Gingrich and the
White House. If you do not know the numbers of your
Representative, call the Capitol Switchboard, 202-224-3121. Tell
your Representative that we must KEEP THE ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN.
Please call, fax, and e-mail today.
The Honorable Newt Gingrich
TEL: 202-225-4501
FAX: 202-225-4656
E-MAIL: georgia6@hr.house.gov
President Bill Clinton
The White House
TEL: 202-456-1111
FAX: 202-456-2461
TELEGRAM: 1-800-325-6000
E-MAIL: president@whitehouse.gov
For further information call: 212-592-3400
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³The following entry brought to you by Rich W.(rich@pencil.math.missouri.edu)³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³PROBLEM 32847 of 1235412 ³ Netscape Chairman for Key Escrow... ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
They asked for it:
"To secure Net communications, the government will need to
have access to private data exchanges using what is known as a key escrow
security system," -Netscape Communications chairman Jim Clark, arguing for
a security system called key escrow that would require you to give the
government access to your private messages.
Source: STAMPER'S NEWS NUGGETS
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³SOLUTION 32847 of 1235412 ³ Netscape Chairman for Key Escrow... ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
Netscape has a webpage at www.netscape.com. There is a "toys" area and any
message you leave in that area goes to an ELECTRONIC MARQUEE SIGN at
Netscape that all the employees can see. SPAM THAT SIGN.
(2) SPAM NETSCAPE
Here's where the EMAIL BLITZ should go (extra points for creativity):
info@netscape.com
General information
admgr@netscape.com
Netscape site advertising sales
x_cbug@netscape.com
Bug reports from X Window users
win_cbug@netscape.com
Bug reports from Windows users
mac_cbug@netscape.com
Bug reports from Macintosh users
hr@netscape.com
Netscape Human Resources department
training@netscape.com
Netscape Training programs information
admgr@netscape.com
Netscape site advertising sales and Sponsor program information
proprietor@netscape.com
Netscape electronic store feedback
editor@netscape.com
Feedback about Netscape's Net site
ssl-talk-request@netscape.com
E-mail list for Secure Sockets Layer protocol discussion
standards@netscape.com
Questions about Netscape's open-standards activities
nswinapi-talk-request@netscape.com
E-mail list for users of the Windows Netscape Server API
NETSCAPE COMMUNICATIONS CORPORATION
501 E. Middlefield Rd.
Mountain View, CA 94043
415/528-2555 Product and sales information (7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. PST)
415/254-1900 Executive offices
415/528-4124 Fax
www.netscape.com
ATLANTA
Netscape Communications Corporation
1850 Parkway Pl.
Suite 420
Marietta, GA 30067
CHICAGO
Netscape Communications Corporation
2159 N. Seminary
Chicago, IL 60614
DALLAS
Netscape Communications Corporation
17304 North Preston Road
Suite 800
Dallas, Texas 75252
NEW YORK
Netscape Communications Corporation
599 Lexington Ave.
Suite 2300
New York, NY 10022
NORTHWEST
Netscape Communications Corporation
501 Middlefield Rd.
Mountain View, CA 94043
SOUTHWEST
Netscape Communications Corporation
111 N. Sepulveda Blvd.
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Netscape Communications Corporation
6701 Democracy Blvd.
Suite 300
Bethesda, MD 20817
THANKS AND A HAT TIP TO HELEN AT E.PLURIBUS FOR GETTING ALL THE
ADDRESSES!!!!!!!!
Kind regards,
*********************** V ************************
DEATH TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER
****************************************************
Linda Thompson
American Justice Federation
Home of AEN News & news videos, "Waco, the Big Lie," "America Under Siege"
3850 S. Emerson Ave.
Indianapolis, IN 46203
Telephone: (317) 780-5200
Fax: (317) 780-5209
lindat@iquest.net
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
SHORT STORIES/POETRY...
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³The following entry brought to you by Greggory (greggory@netvoyage.net) ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ "You Deserve A Break Today" ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
"Hello. May I take your order, please?" The smile was a
study in artificiality, as if the boy's facial muscles were not
designed with the purpose of smiling inclusive. He wore the
traditional carpet-brown and sunshine-yellow uniform (resplendent
with coruscating white outlines), crowned with the matching
cardboard and mesh hat with its roundtopped yellow M, frowning its
double frown. His nametag spelled out
BRAD
in peeling brown labeltape.
BRAD
listened to the asked-for list of foodstuffs for the 47th
time today, the 289th this week, the 711th this month, the 2096th
since his 17th birthday, the 3312th this year, the 3585th since
Christmas, the 7147th since the schoolyear had begun: "Lemmeget
two Big-Macs, a Quarter-Pounder with cheese, a Hot Cherry Pie, a
Coke, no:two:alargeandamediumnottoomuchice, makethata Hot Apple
Pie, another Quarter-Pounder with no cheese makesurethatone
doesn'thaveanycheeseIhatecheese, a Vanilla Milkshake:
canIgetthatthin?nonevermind, howmany Big-Macs didIorderohokay:
makesureonehas no sesame seeds, uh wasthat um nookay a Hot Cherry
Pie, a Cheeseburger Happy Meal canyou makesureithasthecar
lasttimeitdidn't havethecar andmydaughterwas realupset, a Chocolate
Milkshake do Fries comewiththe Happy Meal ohyeahIsee, a
ChocolnoIsaidthatum umyeah: twothreetwonothree large Fries
notwoahhnothreethreeisgood: three. How much is that? (Jesus,
McDonald's has gotten so goddamned expensive.) Well, how much?"
BRAD,
after the gentleman had with such alacrity tendered the
prescribed lucres amount, edified him that his food would be ready
in just a few minutes, and could he please step to the side while
he was waiting.
-- * when a Patron has placed a large order,
one that we cannot fill
in the time it takes him or her to pay for it,
ask them if they will please step to the side,
in order that we may service our other Patrons
as quickly and friendly as possible.
Good,
efficient,
friendly service
is the Golden Key to McDonald's long-term success
in the dine-in/take-out food industry.
Remember:
always keep a smile on!
-"McDonald's New-Hire/Trainee Handbook,"
pg. 6, paragraph 3.
BRAD
said: "May I take your order, please?" And, for the
48th time today, the 290th this week, the 712th this month, the
2097th but he stopped this particular Patron in the middle of her
order (thus violating Rule #4 ("Never interrupt a Patron in the
middle of placing an order.") of the "Review of Order-Taking,"
ibid., pg. 11) with a sniffled, sobbing obtrusion of laughter.
"Y'know, I'm sorry," he began, "but I'm just not ready to take
your order. Could you step to the side, please?" And he pulled,
from the right-front pocket of his brown polyester trousers (one of
the two required purchases (all black tennis-shoes being the other)
of all McDonald's New-Hires/Trainees, to complete the standard and
required uniform of a McDonald's non-management level employee
("The Golden Arches Dress Code," ibid., pg. 2)), a stainless-steel
.357 Magnum revolver. Several Patrons jumped back in alarm, gazing
warily at the apparently disturbed (prima facie), possibly
dangerous, but (it must be admitted) well-groomed ("All members of
the McDonald's Team must be properly groomed at all times: boys,
with their hair cut above the ears and above the collar (positively
no earrings!)...." (from "The Golden Arches Dress Code," ibid.)),
pimple-faced young man who was, prima facie, named
BRAD,
though all kept their places in line. They watched him
put the revolver to his right temple and pause, looking out over
the assembled pond of humanity (Drop by drop, billions and billions
served.), which was sans ripple in their attentive curiosity and
desires to have their orders taken. He pulled the trigger, the
hammer snapping against the butt end of a single, shining bullet,
creating an impressive (for both The Sound and The Fury) explosion,
which, in turn, forced the bullet from its chamber at a harrowing
velocity, incising, at an askew angle, through the right wall of
the skull, through varied and important lobes of the brain, and
egressing athwart from its point of entrance, splattering a fair
amount of blood and cerebral tissue onto the burger-fryer and into
the fry-fryer, as well as dappling various minimum-wage earners
with like detritus. Then,
BRAD
toppled over.
The Crew Chief, attracted by the
BOOM
of the
BULLET
that
BANGED
through
BRAD'S
BRAIN,
saw him lying on the floor.
"BRAD,"
he said. There was no answer. He bent down,
placing two fingers proximate
BRAD'S
primary jugular vein. He felt
BRAD'S
BLOOD
slowly
BEAT
a
BUMP
(pause)
BUMP
(pausepause)
BUPB.
"He's still alive," the Crew Chief said. "Let's see...you,"
he pointed, "and you: take him in the back. And you," he pointed,
"get a mop and clean this up. Oh, hey," he said to the two that
were dutifully-but-slowly dragging
BRAD
to the
BACK,
"you should probably call the police or something." He
then looked to the pond (not the one of blood at his feet, but the
aforementioned (of humanity)): "Sorry for the delay, folks. Your
food is coming right along. Bear with us, and it'll all be back to
normal in juuuust a second."
The Patrons, thus placated, resumed their respective places in
their respective lines, all the happier than they had been before
when they saw that two stations were being opened to replace the
one "that stupid boy" had "so irresponsibl"y abandoned, and so
their respective waits would be all the shorter, respectively.
"May I take your order, please?"
"May I take your order, please?"
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³The following entry from Robert W. Howington (Robert_W._Howington@hud.gov) ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ "Like Pushing A Marshmellow Through A Keyhole" ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
I sat at the front desk answering
the Dept. of HUD's main phone. When
it wasn't ringing I read punk rocker
Henry Rollins' autobiographical book
PISSING IN THE GENE POOL.
David, a co-worker and an ex-Marine
and a staunch Republikkkan and a
father of an outstanding All-Amerikkkan
family with its values intact, eyed the
book's brightly colored, psychedelic
cover as he passed by. He stopped and
read the book's title.
"Jesus, Howington," he said, "you know
you're poisoning your mind reading that
JUNK!"
I put down the book and said, "My mind
is already poisoned. This 'junk' is just
one more fix."
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³The following entry brought to you by Dave (IAMHOLTZ@oak.grove.iup.edu) ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ "The Tale of Mom and the Toilet" ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
Accidentally flushed my mother down the toilet. I felt sort of bad and all.
She was cleaning it out and I walked in to piss and she just got scared and
she fell right in the toilet. I wasn't sure what to do at first. I flushed in
fear. I should have used the plunger but I didn't so now my mom is floating
through the pipes. What made it worse was that I had to make a number 2 that
couldn't wait. Sorry, mom. So now my mom is floating through the pipes with my
shit. So I flushed the potpourri down the toilet for her to cover up the smell.
It really does work wonders, that potpourri stuff. So then I decided that it
was time to really help her so i got a sledge hammer out of the living room
and broke the toilet. That didn't work though but all this water starting
shooting out of the floor so I stared at it for a while until I remembered
that I accidentally flushed my mother down the toilet. So then I called my
friend coochie monkey but he wasn't home. What to do, what to do! Call the
plumber and the National Guard. Aww, who am I kidding? It's only my mom.<P>
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³The following entry brought to you by Anonymous ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ "The Truth About Santa" ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
"After reading an article recently, the whole Santa issue has come
crashing down on me lick a ton of bricks......pleasent childhood
memories....or nasty rumors started by evil parents......
I present the facts......"
1. No known species of Reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying
reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But
since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and
Buddist children, that reduces the work load to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to difference
time zones and rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to
west.(which seems logical) This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with at least one good
child, Santa has 1/1000 of a second to park,hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney,etc.. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million
stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept)
We are now talking about about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do
every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means Santas sleigh is traveling
at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe,
moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can
run, tops, 15 mph.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more that a medium sized
lego set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as over weight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lbs.
Even granting that flying reindeer could pull TEN times that, we
would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload to 353,430 tons.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion
as a spacecraft reentering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second.
In short, the will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
of a second. Santa, burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within
4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile,
will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than
the Earths gravity. A 250 lb Santa would be pinned back in his sleigh by
4,315,015 lbs of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
Happy Holidays :)
Bord.......Very Bord
Research from Spy magazines Jan 1990 issue
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ McCROSKEY'S CORNER ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ RELATIONSHIPS ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
Please send all responses to lamont@CPCN.COM
Hello all. This is yet another non-sexist McCroskey's Corner. Actually, this
Corner isn't even all that funny. This Corner is to make you think a little
about life, or some of the things that you do in life, and why you even bother
to do it.
My most recent discussion was about relationships. My friend (also the founder
of this zine) had put me on the spot numerous times, and I just wanted to
return the favor by making him sweat a little. We were all just sitting
around at our favorite place to hangout. It was Dave, his girlfriend Becky,
Ted and a few others. Dave and I got to talking about why he didn't go buy
his girlfriend a drink when she asked him to.
I was asking her why he didn't go buy her the drink even though she was
paying for it. I told him that he wasn't treating her any differently than
he treated me or any of his other friends. Then, when she came back with her
drink, I really let him have it. I turned to him and asked him why he liked
Becky. All he could do was give me that open-mouthed
it's-on-the-tip-of-my-tongue-of-shit-I'm-in-for-it-now look. I've asked a ton
of people, single or otherwise, why they liked somebody. Very few of them,
if any, have been able to answer with anything feasible. Most of the time I
tear their answer down and make them look dumb.
"Well, he has great eyes!" "She's got such nice legs!" "His hair is sooo great!"
What kind of answer is that? There are so many people that are only attracted
because of something physical that it's just... I can't even find the words
for it. It's just dumb. Does that mean that there are alot of people basing
relationships on things like hugging and fucking? That's just disgusting.
That's the only thing that can come of a relationship that's based on
something physical. How many other people out there have brown hair, or
blue eyes, or two buttholes or whatever it is that you're looking for? It's
only going to lead to cheating because there are so many other people out
there tat have the same attributes.
Don't get me wrong now, a person can look a certain way AND have a great
personality. I'm sure that a person has to be pleasing to the eye or else
you'll puke every time you get near them. But if the answer they give is
based on a physical thing, I tear that shit up real quick and make the person
feel dumb. I'm sure that there are couples out there that are perfectly fine
with basing a relationship on sex, but that's not for me.
Now we move on to the mental/emotional side of it all. I don't understand how
anyone can base a relationship on emotions. Every time I ask someone where an
emotion comes from, which part of the body or brain, they can't answer.
Emotions are so completely unknown to people, and yet they're in almost
everybody and we experience them every day.
But who actually knows what an emotion is? What is love or hate, or sadness?
Sure, you can tell what causes it, but what IS it? No answer, huh? Well then
how can you base a thing as important as a relationship on something so unknown?
Can anyone even tell me what the point of having a relationship is? Is it to
prevent loneliness? Is it due to having the right 'chemistry?,' a love at
first sight thing? I know that one definite reason is sex, but that isn't
a very intense relationship. Not to mention there are a lot of people who
look for something deeper in a relationship than just the physical aspect.
So please, somebody, ANYBODY, e-mail me with the answer. Or just let
me know what you think about the whole thing. I'd also like to hear from
any of you out there that are currently in a relationship, tell me your reasons.
If they're good, maybe I won't rip 'em apart.
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿Life does suck. There's no denying it. But you shouldn't let that
³IN CLOSING:³ever-so-common phrase get in the way of what you want to see
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙhappen, of what you want to accomplish in the short life that
you have. I don't know how many times I have heard 'I should just kill myself'
from many people I do and don't know. C'mon, are you upset? Do something
productive. Or at least talk to someone about it. So one thing didn't work
out for you. You aren't cursed! You are simply experiencing what everyone
else experiences all the time. Bitch about life, go ahead, but relize that
people in your position are doing what they can to enjoy themselves. You can
be depressed all you want,and while you're at it you can go and KILL YOURSELF!
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³DISTRIBUTION IS AS FOLLOWS:³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
E-MAIL:
* IAMHOLTZ@oak.grove.iup.edu
* BEAN@cpcn.com
FTP:
* ftp.eng.ufl.edu/incoming
* etext.archive.umich.edu/pub/Zines/KillYourself
* ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/KillYourself
* locust.cic.net/pub/Zines/KillYourself
GOPHER:
* gopher://gopher.etext.org/11/Zines
HTML:
* http://hops.cs.jhu.edu/~mbk/killyourself.html (homepage)
* http://www.etext.org/Zines/KillYourself
ðððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððððð
