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Lemon Magazine Issue 04
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(_____________/_______/__)___)_/_______/__)___/h8
lemon magazine issue #4
"she doesn't really have a life, she just thinks
she does. all she has is walmart and a credit card."
contributers for this issue
zordon vanir
in this issue
asexuality gina worthless web pages
latino for a day ayn rand eddie hi, my name is josh
jim's story zine con ideas without the shit random thoughts
::[obsidian's editorial]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
<Quarex> #Hell has been taken over by the chinese elite again
ah. now is the time for school to finally begin again. since there are
two colleges in the town where i live, the population and activity swells when
the college students return. amoung those students are murmur, shadow tao and
jamesy, so that's cool. i don't know how school starting will effect lemon,
since juke and i will both become busier with school, but my guess is that it
won't really change much cuz we'll just have more to write about.
ok, now on to preps. yeah. every city has them. you think your area is
infested with them. you're prolly right. but you cannot begin to comprehend
what it's like to live where i do. it's a fairly affluent community, where
even people who aren't considered by most to be preps are still preppy. when
other people who won't live here come and visit me, they're just shocked. i
don't think you can understand. no, you can't. it's sad. last year, i heard
this prep say to another prep "haha! your shirt's tucked in! you prep!" i
laughed until i cried. sorry, but there's alot more to being a prep besides
rather your shirt's tucked in.
i don't want you to take this wrong, because what other people do is go
out and then try to be all alternative and stuff, which is so lame. it's
exactly the same thing just with different music and a different look. the
message? stop caring what people think. wear whatcha like.
::[asexuality]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[obsidian]::
"ya know, i was in the car with joe the other day, and i hadn't really thought
about it before, but it was like the first time i've heard him say anything
having the least bit to do with sex."
"um...what?"
"see, we were in the car, and there were these girls in the car next to use and
they were all hot and stuff, and then i said 'too bad they're smoking...' and
then he said 'yeah, that's such a turnoff.' dunno...i guess before i had
always just assumed he was asexual."
it was awhile ago that i heard this, and i didn't really think about it
until just recently. it was true about this kid though, and perhaps he is
asexual. it never occured to me that people could be like this, but the more i
consider it, the more it seems possible. then i started to consider what
asexual people might be like. perhaps they are sometimes mistaken for being
closet gays, as they rarely or never show an affection for the opposite sex.
are there asexual people?! i wanna know. i'm on a quest. searching for
asexuals. i'm gonna like search for asexual people, and then like interview
them. w0w.
::[gina]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[juke]::
today was one of those days when you are doin' what you do on your computer and
you realize that you are bored and just don't feel like sitting around looking
at a computer screen. and i don't mean just bored. i mean *REALLY* bored. so, i
sat in my chair thinking of what i could do to amuse myself. i decided to go to
the hells of all hells. the mall. the last time in my life the i frequently
visited the mall was like in 8th grade, so at the time i did not realize what i
realized today. when i first got to the mall, it wasn't that bad. i went to
waldenbooks, read a little, laughed at the junior high girls reading "high
times" and trying to reach the playgirls (this is actually i first for me, i
have never actually seen a female reading pornography at a bookstore). i got
bored at the bookstore, so i decided it was time to move on. my next stop was
musicland. we have one of these nifty musiclands now. all nice and big. carries
all sorts of wonderful stuff, like marijuana posters (i'm guessing you have
figured out my opinion of marijuana by now),halfnakedlookatmyenormousbreasts-
theyhavetobefakecauseonlyfreakshavebreastthisbig posters, megadeth hats, neat
little listening centers, keychains, and of course nin shirts. i walk into
musicland, walk over to the listening center and look around a little. ok this
is where it gets good. so i get done there, and walk towards the back. as i'm
going to the back, i walk past these two alternateen chicks. as i walk by them,
the yell out... "you wish." implying some sort of attraction from me towards
them. i'm thinking to my self, this has to be a joke. so i keep walking and i
here da aternachicks mumble freek or something like that. first off, things
like this have not bothered me since like 9th grade. so it's not like i'm
feeling embarrased or anything like that. i just smiled at them and kept
walking. given more time, and had been expecting this, i'm sure i could have
come up with a witty response like i usually do in these circumstances. ok,
i've gotten to the point of my rant now. earlier i said i realized something
at the mall during my visit. after this little incident i walked around the
mall some more. i started to notice the junior high / early high school aged
people. and i thought to myself, this is pretty sad. i'm sure you're thinking.
what's sad, juke? i have to know. well, what's sad is how more superficial
people around my age are becoming. i know certain cliques in high school have
always been superficial. it just seems that it is getting worse and worse. this
whole generation x / alternative shit is supposed to be about open mindedness.
maybe, instead of ripping down our peers, this generation should learn from
them.
::[worthless web pages]::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[zordon]::
so they asked me to do an article. i say o.k. they say no poetry. i say
o.k. they say get to work. i say o.k. so i am now writing this. this is
zordon's list of cool web sites:
The Bible in Pig Latin
ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/ea/earl/ible-bay/ible-bay.html
The Bible's been Translated into urdu but not Pig Latin? What's the deal?
Connect to this ftp site, using a Web Browser, and you can download txt-files
of the Ible-Bay. But only three books, Enisis-Gay, Ob-Jay, and Ohn-Jay are
available.
The Brady Bunch Page
http://www.teleport.com/~btucker/bradys.htm
The Movie may have been a hit, But as my Parent's tell me, It was just plain
old TV hell. Ward Cleaver had more of a personality than Mike Brady, But they
still watched it. This page is Brady to the bone. It has an episode guide,
the Theme Song, and even a cast listing. Wow, What a Page.
Wild and Wacky Pages:
Strawberry Pop-Tart Blow Torches
http://www.sci.tumucc.edu/~pmichaud/toast/
Pop-Tarts Flame like a Blow Torch? Check this Page out. It even includes
time lapse photography of Pop-Tarts Flambe. It's a Riot.
The Capt. Kirk Sing Along Page
http://www.ama.caltech.edu/~mrm/kirk.html
Right now William Shatner is a Star. But a long time ago he was just another
out of work actor looking for money. This Page has got Audio Clips of A few
things you may find Funny here.
Confession Booth
http://anther.learning.cs.cmu.edu/priest.html
Just What it says. Now there is NO rweason for you to go to Church.
Tasteless:
Dan's Gallery of the Grotesque
http://zynet.com/~grotesk/
Just like a highway Accident that you can't NOT look at, You'll stare at the
Screen.
Roadkill's Are Us
http://www.pencom.com/rru.html
Want some new Recipes? Check out this site.
Hell-The online guide to Satanism
http://www.marshall.edu/~allen12/index.html
I don't really think I could Explain this better than the title.
O.J. Central
http://pathfinder.com/pathfinder/features/oj/central1.html
If you want to know the story, It's Here. Check this page out.
::[latino for a day]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[obsidian]::
on a whim, and with a little encouragement, a couple of friends of mine and I
decided to, on the up coming friday, become latinos for the day. it went very
well for us, and it was really funny, too. so here's how to do it, in simple,
straightforward directions. this is very a very simple process, and all the
cool chicks that like mexican guys dig it.
(note: if you're black, i guess this doesn't work...)
Step 1: go shopping. buy khaki pants that are several sizes too big. then
then get some t-shirt...doesn't matter what kind really, but avoid the
name brands that white kids usually wear. "Homies" shirts work well.
you might want to buy a knife or a gun while you're out...knives are
prefered.
Step 2: hair. this is essential. if you have long hair, cut it. if you have
buzz or something, grow your hair out to a normal length. ok, now dye
your hair black. then grease it back. then start growing a mustache.
this is vital.
Step 3: the walk. this is the basic black walk...nothing complicated. this
isn't too important.
Step 4: you need to talk like a latino. conquer the accent. you also need to
use all the proper slang. dunno how you can master this except for
listening to some other latinos. see if there are latin radio
stations or tv stations in your area (there prolly are). listen 24-7.
Step 5: now for the attitude. just keep in mind that you're all that. yes,
you're the phat mack. snub those dumb little white kids cuz you're
cooler than them.
Step 6: choose a mexican name, like julio, juan, or emilio. also any catholic
saint's name will work.
Step 7: you're catholic now. wear a cross on a really gaudy gold chain.
Step 8: listen to latin music. gloria estefan is a sellout. don't listen to
her. ok, just go out and buy the soundtrack to _ma_viva_loca_.
Step 8: join a gang. like the latin kings. or start your own gang. it
should have the word 'latin' in it.
Step 9: for the finishing touch, get a bandana. make sure it matches the
colors of your gang. this is essential.
cool...now you're a latino. now go impress all your friends.
::[ayn rand]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[juke]::
ok. book recommendation from juke. ayn rand. read her. read like hell. here's a
little excerpt from "Atlas Shrugged":
he glanced at her and did not answer. then he said, "i like cigarettes, miss
taggart. i like to think of fire held in a man's hand. fire, a dangerous force,
tamed at his finger tips. i ofter wonder about the hours a man sits alone,
watching the smoke of a cigarette, thinking. i wonder what great things have
come from such hours. when a man thinks, there is a spot of fire alive in his
mind -- and it is proper that he should have the burning point of a cigarette
as his one expression."
-- ayn rand
if you don't know who ayn rand is, well, she is a philosopher that gets her
ideas (objectivism) across through her novels. other ayn rand books to look
for:
"the fountainhead"
"we are the living"
"anthem"
"for the new intellectual"
"the virtue of selfishness"
"capitalism: the unknown ideal"
::[eddie]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[vanir]::
Eddie lay his head down on his nice, fluffy pillow, completely bewildered as
to what the hell had happened in the last few hours. He had gone to the
movies, to see "Waterworld" as a matter of fact, and was unimpressed.
He never was much of a Costner fan. As he was leaving the theater, his
close friend and associate Joe approached. "Yo, Joe!", quoth Eddie. Joe
hated that. Joe had ALWAYS hated that. Joe muttered something under his
breath before returning the greeting. "So what's up?", said Eddie, not
looking for Joe to say anything particularly interesting. "Not much.", said
Joe, who had lots of stuff happen to him as of late, but nothing he
deemed to be any of Eddie's damn business. So it was they decided to take
a walk, because neither had a car, and because having them drive home
to play Risk would make for one stupidass story. As they strode merrily
down 8th street, in front of the local Dairy Dream, something rather
peculiar happened.
A tall, pale man in a long, black cape was standing there, eating a large
waffle cone filled with dark red ice cream. Joe loved ice cream. A lot.
What puzzled Joe was that he had never seen ice cream that color before.
Being the bright, social lad that he was, Joe approached the pale man and
asked him politely what flavor the ice cream was so that he might partake
of a cone of his own. "Oh", rasped the man in a gravelly voice, "I don't
think you'd like this flavor." Undaunted, Joe politely asked again,
as his curiosity was peaked and he so wanted to sample a new flavor.
After the cookie dough blizzard he thought he had achieved nirvana, and
the mere thought of something better made his prostate pulse with
anticipation. "By tasting this ice cream, you give your life to me," said
the pale man. Joe didn't care. Joe was mesmerized by the dark, rich, red
color of the ice cream, the even, perfect lines on the waffle cone
contrasted by its ragged edge. "Do.. you have... a... taster.... sp...
spoon?", stammered Joe.
The pale man strode over to the counter, and in his best high, squeaky voice,
ordered a vanilla waffle cone. He then gently handed Joe the cone. "Now", he
rasped, "repeat after me."
"Waco waco."
"Waco waco."
"Squizasquirrela."
"Squizasquirrela."
"Limbaugh limbaugh."
"Limbaugh limbAUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Joe arched his back in agony and little black clouds swirled at his feet.
Eerie (but subtle) green light bathed poor Joe, giving him a rather
greenish look about him. After a few seconds of this, Joe produced a
short, black cape and put it about his neck and shoulders, a cold, serene
look on his face. He held his cone aloft. The ice cream was blood red.
This gained Eddie's attention.
::[hi, my name is josh]::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[juke]::
hi. my name is josh. my mom is waiting outside the door. she's been there for
like an hour i think. my dad died an hour ago. i'm fourteen. i think she thinks
i don't know what happened to dad. i know what happened to him, but i know this
talk means a lot to her so i don't say anything to her. i know he went away. i
know he is never coming back. oh, wait. i think she is coming in now. "oh, hi
mom. you need something?"
"uh. no josh. not really. how are you, anyways? you holding up ok?"
"yea mom. i'm doing ok."
"actually, i kinda wanted to talk to you about something."
"i know mom, i could see your shadow from under the door for the past hour."
"oh."
"don't worry mom. it's ok. what did you want to talk about?"
"your dad. he drank a lot. you know that don't you?"
"i know he did mom. i just don't understand what happened though?"
"i don't know. i wish i did. but i don't."
"you're pretty old now. i guess you know what happened to him."
my mom is so innocent at times. when she was my age she didn't know the things
i know. i think she is finally realizing that. "yea. dad died. i know."
"he's going to be ok, though. he's in a good place. we're all going to be ok."
a tear is starting to come down my mom's face now. i don't think i have cried
since i was eight. i feel like crying now. but i know i shouldn't, kinda like
i knew my mom needed to have this talk with me. "i know he's ok now mom. please
don't cry."
"i.. i'm sorry josh. god, your taking this so much better than i am"
the thing is, i'm not. but i know if we are both a mess, we can't help each
other out. i wish she knew how much i want to cry right now. oh, she's getting
up now. "you going to be ok, mom?"
"yea, i just need some time alone. here, take your sister to dinner."
oh good. she closed the door when she left. finally, i can cry.
a note from juke: hahaha i love this. it's so sappy, it's 'leet!
::[jim's story]::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[obsidian]::
Jim gazed down the street as he began his daily trek home. The soft
soothing sound of rain drops hitting the pavement wrung in his ears today like
thunder. He had always used this time walking home for thinking, trying to
sort out his life before he got home, where he was faced with the expectations
of his wife and children. But today he couldn't bring himself to concentrate
on any one thing. His mind was a blur, a turbulent sea in the middle of a
storm.
As he continued walking, he began noticing things. Parts of his world
had never stuck out to him suddenly appeared brilliant to his eyes, drawing his
attention. The trash in the street. On the sidewalk. The rat running down
the alleyway. The old woman holding a shotgun, staring at him through her open
window from across the street. He began to realize he had never seen these
things before. 'What is it about today?' he wondered. Being a pastor of a
fairly small baptist church, he had been praying to God alot recently, hoping
perhaps he could find what path he was supposed to take in life. What was he
here for? Did his life serve a purpose? It was a notion that he had only
recently considered. Perhaps he wasn't supposed to do anything great. Maybe
he wasn't supposed to be a great father. Perhaps he'd only go to hell anyway.
He continued pondering these thoughts when he bumped into a young woman.
"Oh, um..excuse me," he murmbled, slightly startled. He briefly caught a
glimpse of her as she gimaced and then continued walking hurriedly down the
sidewalk. She was attractive, probably in her late twenties. She was dressed
nicely, probably an executive, and had long brown hair, with just the slightest
hint of red. He longed to keep looking at her, but as quickly as she had
entered his life, she was gone.
The rest of his walk home was pretty uneventful. As Jim
approached his house, he detected the smell of steak being grilled. 'Wonder
what Gloria is cooking,' he thought. He opened the door and stepped inside.
Expecting to hear his children running to him, the routine which had been
established and executed perhaps every day since his children could walk was
broken. 'Only fitting,' he thought. Today has been nothing but unordinary.
Looking around the house, he concluded that no one was home. "Odd that there's
no note," Jim muttered to himself, slightly puzzled, "perhaps they're getting
groceries or something."
He preceeded over the the liquor cabinet and poured himself something to
calm his nerves, and then decided to change out of his work clothes, putting on
a tshirt and jeans. Then he sat down to watch the news, expecting his family
would show up eventually. He dozed off during this time, and awoke to an
anchorwoman talking about the death of some muslim leader and then realized
that his phone was ringing.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hey, Jim...what's going on?" the voice said.
"Oh, hi Tom. Nothing's going on here..my family's gone, and I guess some
muslim guy is dead."
"Oh, um..ok. Hey, my wife is gone at some church meeting
or something, ya wanna order a pizza or something?"
"Uh..sure. Want me to order?"
"Sure...go ahead. I'll be over in..what...20 min?"
"Sounds great...see you then."
"Bye."
"Bye," Jim said and turned off the phone. He called and ordered the pizza
and then decided since he had a little time he'd take a walk.
He walked out his door, and walked to the corner. It was beginning to get
dark, but the sidewalks were suprisingly busy. He walked a little further
before realizing the his right shoe was sticking and looking down at his sole
realized that he had stepped in gum. He walked a little farther up the
sidewalk, where there was situated a park bench.
He sat there for awhile, trying to remove as much of the gum from his shoe
as he could. He wanted to leave sooner than he did, as the pizza and Tom were
coming, but some foul smelling homeless woman set down next to him and began
telling him her life story. 'Poor lonely woman,' he thought. He finally had to
cut her off, which was difficult enough, as she seemed to be mostly deaf as
loud as she was talking.
He got up from the bench and began walking home hurriedly, his shoe no
longer sticking to the ground as it had before. He arrived home as the pizza
boy was driving up, so he took the pizza and payed. The delivery boy went on
his way. Jim looked down the street, hoping to see Tom's car, but he did not.
'Wonder what's keeping him?' he asked himself.
Going inside, Jim turned on some additional lights, realizing that his
family was still not home, which troubled him. Despite not wanting the pizza
to get cold, he called a few of his wife's friends houses, as well as the
church building, but she was at none of those places.
Jim decided to put the pizza in the oven to keep it warm while he waited
for Tom to show. Jim dozed off, and awoke to the sound of the phone ringing.
Deciding to check his watch, he realized he had been sleeping for almost two
hours.
"Hello?"
"Mr. Stevens?"
"Yes, how my I help you?"
"Sir, this is Lt. Graham, could you please come down to the police station
for some brief questioning?"
"Um...may I ask what it's about?"
"Sir, do you have any knowledge as to the whereabouts of your daughter?"
"No, do you?"
"I think you should come down here as quickly as possible."
"I'll be right there..." Jim said. The tone in the officers voice
frightened him.
"Would you like a squad car to--"
"No, it's ok. I'll be right there. Goodbye."
"Bye." Jim set down the phone. The frown on his face made it clear he
was distressed. The rain was now pounding hard against the windows. He
hurried up the stairs of his house and grabbed a raincoat.
Jim quickly drove through the streets of his subdivision and sped toward
the city. The rain was making it difficult to see, even with his windshield
wipers on their fastest setting, they could not keep up. He sped and swerved,
weaving in and out of the slower traffic.
Jim was still having trouble watching the road through the rain, which was
now coming down in sheets. He was doing fine until a truck behind him with
their brights on completely blinded him. Jim paniced, not knowing what to do,
and began slowing down. It was not until too late that he noticed the two
small, blurry red lights in front of him, too late to avoid a collision.
Jim's car rammed into the rear of the other car. The truck behind him
tried to make it into the other lane but was hit itself by another car and its
side collided with Jim's car anyway, sending the car rolling into the ditch.
Jim was stuck within the crushed vehicle, unable to move any of his limbs.
He opened his mouth to yell, and then he tasted something. Blood. He began to
get dizzy, his mind spinning out of control. He heard the rain pounding on the
car. The sound filled his head. Throbbing. Pounding. And then the sound
began to fade slowly at first, and then more swiftly until the sound was gone.
And the chaos within his head was replaced with a ceaseless calm.
::[zine con]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[juke]::
ok here's an idea i had for a dummercon or whatever:
(this isn't really serious, although it would be kinda fun)
ok, someone on the east coast get's a van or better yet a camper. a nice one,
cause only the best for us. anyway, he/she proceeds to drive across america
picking up zine people. just think how much fun this could be. and even if some
one couldn't come, they camper o' fun could just stop by and see the l4m3r.
w00w00. man this is cool. maybe mtv would even give us our own tv show.
gee, we could see all sorts of neat stuff to. and think how much inspiration
you would get. man, you could write for months.
::[without the shit]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[juke]::
juke's mcdonald's value meal for issue four is:
number four! the mcchicken meal (mcdonald's should thank me for this).
1 - mcchicken sandwhich (without the shit)
1 - order of fries
1 - dr. pepper
2 - hot musturd packets (hot mustard r0x. forget the ketchup, go for mustard)
total price: $3.20
::[thoughts juke random]:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::[juke]::
wow, we now have as many lemons as blues traveler albums
my traveler's and theives cd now skips
i swear i'll never forget again
the blues traveler cat is now the official lemon mascott. an ascii cat is in da
worx.
all zine scene people should ftp to ftp.etext.org to see real literature zines.
::[misc info]::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
to reach obsidian:
email: danderso@cube.ice.net
irc: obsidian or _obsidian on #zines
to reach juke:
email: owilliam@cube.ice.net
irc: juke on #zines
to get the latest lemons:
the repented gimcrackery 309 452 5639 14.4k op: juke
(the phatest art/zine board for miles)
::[eof]::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
