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Krad Issue 018
Issue 018
DiS B Dah KRaDDiEST iSSUe #018 iN DaH WeRLD oPH...
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KRaD, DaH niG 'ZiNE!
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"W0aH.. EliTE!"
-- Jerome, _Jerome's Bewk of Elite_
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KewliO K0MpiLerZ 'n' SHyT: Panther Modern
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## PhewlZ
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You freaks. Yeah. That's what you are. You know who I'm talking about,
because it's YOU! Not me, goddamnit. Because you are the freaks of the
world. Yeah. The One-Day freaks. You wrestlemania watchin, beer guzzlin,
fuxin pork-rind eatin fools. Don't you know that truth lies within Oprah,
not Wrestlemania! Diet Coke, not beer! Doritos, not Pork-Rinds! Fuck ya'll
freaks!
Now you might ask me, "Hey P*M, what can we do to change? We really want to
reform! We don't like being one-day, and we want to be Zero-Day 'til death!"
Well, I'll tell ya what you can do, and you better (damn well better!) do it
if yah wanna live Zero-Day in a Zero-Day kinda world. You gotta get
connected, fools!! The Zero-Day awaits you, and Sally Jessie Raphael knows
where it's comin from!
To quote her: "All the sex-fiends get Zero-Day on a regular basis, and it
helps them with their fetish." Yeah. If Sally knows Zero-Day, so can you!
Get hooked up, and you might just have a chance of survival! I doubt it, at
this point, because you all SUCK. But try it anyway.
Okay, here's the plan. Go out, and find the most beautiful woman you can
find. You know what I'm talking about. 5'4", 450 lbs. Yeah. The real
hotties. The one's you know that your fine stomach will get you no problem!
Give her some Diet Coke, and she'll fall woozily into your arms. Take her
back to your place (unless you live with your parents, you fool. Then, take
her to the park!) and give her disks full of Zero-Day! She'll tell all her
friends about you, and you'll get a really kewl reputation as the Zero-Day
freak that you know you are! You know you're too kewl for her! You need her
friend that's 5'3", 600 lbs! I warn you, though. That friend will be hard to
get! She has lots and lots of takers, and her body-odor really drives the
men crazy! You are one in 1000 that want her. But if you have enough
Zero-Day, anything is possible!
Just don't forget your Diet Coke Six-Paq.
Okay. Enough about my sex life. Let's get on with the issue.
We have a good issue for you, as always, with lots of the info you need to
know. Read quickly, my Zero-Day friends, for you must continue the search
for the one, the only, the Universal Source of Zero-Day Domination from the
K0wz that they keep hidden somewhere in the world's telecommunication
systems!
KRaD. Your only Zero-Day Source of information ya gotta know.
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iNCiDENT @ The Crown Burger
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By: Dah Kewlio Dewd
Woah. I was all up in my Polester suit, and I tripped on over to dah Crown
Burger to get some 0-Day meat 'n' shit. It woulda been dah kraddiest, but it
wuzn't, coz it just wasn't dat kewl! Woah. What should I do? The Crown
Burger. Man, dat's dah shit. Dat Meat. Wow. I've never had anything like it.
Fuxin soggy bun. Elite.
But enough about my sex life. Lemme tell you about my trip to the Crown
Burger. I drove into it with my number one vehicle. yeah. My tricycle! It
wuz elite 'n' shit. Everyone wuz skopin dah new paint job I had just put on
it, and wuz sayin "woah. Dat guy'z kewl! he ghotz dah best vehicle for dah
women!" Woah. The knew it was true. The Crown Burger was my Kingdom, and I
was King, baby.
In I went to the Drive-Through, but the women. They wouldn't leave me alone.
They said "Kewlio, Dewd! You gotta come on inside. That tricycle is driving
us crazy, and we need your body." Yeah. They love my saggin' breasts. Yeah.
You know it. It make's em crazy baby.
Well, I decided to can the Drive-Through deal, even though the people in
there were like "Kewlio, Dewd! You're too Kewl to go inside. The
Drive-Through is your wasteland!"
Woah. I went inside. The women were all over me, like Ketchup on a good
Crown Burger. Suddenly, I was being showered by huge vats of fat. I mean,
the women. You know what I'm sayin'. They were fat. Just the way I love my
women. I wanna ride into 'em on the ripples. Yeah.
I grabbed my meat. Yeah. The women didn't wanna pay for it. Fuck 'em. I got
the hell outta there.
This is where the trouble began! A guy came in a Red Rider Wagon, and the
women decided that he was the new Man of the Crown Burger! Woah. I have to
admit, he had the advantage. He smelled like he hadn't showered for over two
years, unlike my eight months. Damn. I didn't know what to do, until an idea
hit me.
I drove my Vehicle over to a little house nearby where they had a dog, and I
rolled in the yard for a few minutes. Woah. The flies stuck to me like the
cheap Crown Burger meat sticks to mah woman.
Back to the Crown Burger, and the women were comin on to me like flies. That
guy, he left in embarassment. Yeah. I'm the King, baby. King of the Crown
Burger.
And that, my warez friends, is the Incident @ Crown Burger.
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******* )**( *******
** KRaD EXCLUSIVE **
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iNTERVIEW: Susan Smith
Editor's Note: This isn't really an interview, but a commentary by the
illustrious Susan Smith. I was sitting there downloading the usual flood of
Zero-Day, when all of a sudden my monitor flashed, and I saw the beautiful
Susan before me! It wuz kewl. She said she had written an article and she
wanted it published in KRaD. She said not to use her name, coz her lawer
wouldn't want her to, but I said fuck that, coz I like to give the real info
in KRaD. Remember. KRaD is the only source of truth in this world of Lies.
Without further ado, I present Susan Smith.
### Why I'm Kewl ###
By: Susan Smith
You all know about me from my Kewl trial and everything. The trial has just
ended, and I was only sentenced to life. HAHAhahahHAhahahaha. I'm Kewler
Than You. Wanna know whY? I stunned the Jury with my beautiful features, and
they weren't able to give me death! They said "She's just too beautiful to
kill! Check those saggin' breasts, and her lovely face!" Yes. You know it.
I'm the hottest woman that Jury's ever seen! They just couldn't kill me!!
Well anyway, lemme tell you a bit about what I did. I drove my little shits
into the goddamn lake, and kilt them. They're dead, coz they were little
shits and shit. You see, one day I was sitting there, and they said "Hey
mommie, give us some fuxin ice cream right now!" I said "No!" and then I
drove them into the lake to shut 'em up!)&!$@)*&$. Anyway, I wasn't sure
what to do next, but I saw this black guy, and I said "Fuq dem neegroz!" And
I blamed it on him. But then they said to me "Dat wuzzn't no neegro!" and I
said "Yer right! But those little shits asked for fuxin ice cream!" Anyway,
the cops understood me, but these fuxin bleeding hearts didn't like me, so
they took me to trial. That's my story. I hope ou enjoyed it. Let me just
comment quickly on the KRaD 'Zine. It taught me to be as Zero-Day and Kewl
as I am right now, even Kewler than I was before! Now that I have life, I
have time! They'll lock me in my cell, and I don't even have to take my Day
Outside! Kewl, eh!?!? hahahHAAHAHAHahh. Goodbye.
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** Steve's Guide **
** To eating cheap **
** By: Steve. **
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It's a lot more simple than it sounds, trust me! You, too, can feed your
family for almost *NOTHING* per week! It's simple. You don't need a job, or
even money to eat well in this day and age!
Hi. I'm steve, and I'm going to share my secret with you. My method of
eating almost free every single week. Yes, I barely ever spend money on
food, because I simply don't feel the need any longer. It's very easy, and
I'm sure you'll be out there eating for free within hours if you just follow
my simple guidelines. You, too, can be well-fulfilled without expending the
kind of cash you currently are on food.
It's really easy! Keep telling yourself that, or you may have problems when
the time comes. Oh, I'd also reccomend a nose-plug. That always helps me to
get the free food down a lot easier! And an alka-seltzer couldn't hurt much!
Here's the method: Go to the grocery store. Go the back of the grocery
store! See those big metal boxes?! Those are big piles of food just WAITING
for you to eat them! They're put out there for free by the stores! I'm not
sure why they put them out there, but everyone can eat for free thanks to
the generosity of the stores! And now you can, too!
Simply dive into one of the big metal boxes, and feast away! More free food
than you can ever do anything with! If you want some hot food, bring a pack
of matches. Drop a lit match into the big metal box first, then dive in, and
by the time you get there, you food will be hot 'n' ready for you! See how
easy and simple and fun and DELICIOUS it truly is?!?!
I bet that you all want to go out now, and eat. So I'd better let you go.
Just remember: If it's free, it's tasty!
This is Steve, free food man, signing off!
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St3vE'Z a MaN WH0 knoWZ WhAT he'Z
D0iNK, n0?! i THiNk sO. Oh, W3ll.
DiS eNDz iSSUe 18. HaV3 a PHuN
Zer0-DaY.
Panther Modern
Editor at large
pmodern@xln.com pmodern@xln.com
