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Kapitalizt Life is Suck Issue 01
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T-FILE MAG FOR DISILLUSIONED RUSSIAN COMMUNIST YOUTH.
ISSUE 1
welcome to issue 1 of KAPITALIZT LIFE IS SUCK!
we editors hope that to you pleases the maggy
the election in russia come to run-off! see issue 31 of "eye of mother russia"
we are sick of the new world free market economy! youth not wanting the billy
joel and the elton john and scorpions make the concerts in our russia!
KAPITALIZT OPPRESSOR GO HOME!
we are tired of the fake american jeans and not having many rubles!
under communism, we have toilet paper and borscht all the day. the wodka is
tasting better and the youth want only to study maths and physic.
today the youth are going to "moscow mc-donald" and eating "square hamburger"!
this am not accept to be! the russian child is being seduced by the american
television "quincy, m.d." and "m*a*s*h"!
ALAN ALDA GO HOME!
the youth is writing "letter to editor" to pravda saying that their newpaper
is suck! he is suggesting in today issue that pravda make cheap russian knock-
off of the popular capitalist american devil feature "jumble: that scrambled
word game!"
they are not wanting to work all the day in depressing cement factory! they
want to see the "mad about you" and the evil queen of temptation helen hunt!
all the time they are plan travel to california to see "babes" like the
imperialist stooge david hasselhoff in the slime known as "baywatch!"
tourism to the great state of albania decreased this year alone by 50 square
hectares/erg! no longer is the sunny beach and good cigar intimidating leader
with moustache and beard outlasting all stooge pig presidents of america island
of cuba good enough! they learn the standard system of measurement!!
when the youth is earning the money, spend they it always on coca-cola and
american automobile. the people's car factory and working man's nerve gas
depository is making new model with 5 tones of beige and off-white this year and
it is not selling! even when it is getting 34 hectares on a single tank of
kerosene! they are wanting to listen to the rock and roll music and form
crappy rock and roll bands! even our friend dmitri who was intended to support
this magazine in the editing left it for his rockgroups "gripper zipper,"
"i like ike," and "shake well before using." we are reporting him however to
the people's council of media controllment, heh heh heh heh heh !
RUSSIA YOUTH NOT AM IN CONTROL!
if this is to continue what are we to do!
here comes kaptialiZT LIFE IS SUCK, RESCUING THE traditional values of mother
russia! we will make the USSR a USSR again by crushing the will of the
revolutionary breakaway republics! our way of life is supreme and we shall
impose it upon what is rightfully the bosom and left nostril of mother russia!
A QUESTION FROM BORIS' MOM CHEVKYANOVNYA:
"BORIS YOU BLINI-HEAD! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THE MAGAZINE IN THE ENGLISH! IT IS
THE SAME LANGUAGE THAT PASSES THE FORKED TONGUE OF EVIL CAPITALIST OPPRESSOR!
ITS LIES AND FREEDOMS ARE NOT OF MOTHER RUSSIA!"
ivan and i have some wodka to think a bit.
we find that we put in the english so the disillusioned youth of america who are
tired of staring at their false gods "pearl jam" and "green day" are reading it
too and spreading communist revolution to all the world!
pravda
perestrojka glasnost
cccp
havana cigars chechen rebels
sputnik
blinis
now comes the officialpart!
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OBJECTIVES FOR PUBLICATION 'KAPITALIZT LIFE IS SUCK'. APPROVED 96.1.1. MOSCOW.
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DESTROY MORALE OF SUBVERSIVE YOUTH ACTIVITY IN ALL THE WORLD
RAISE SALES OF THE WODKA BY 5,6%
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TABLE OF CONTENTS. APPROVED 96.2.1 - LENINGRAD, CITIZEN RIKISOVICH APPROVING.
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1. HOT BORSCHT FROM KITCHEN URI RECIPE!
2. QUICK COLD BORSCHT!
3. BORCHT AND MUSHROOM.
4. ENDPART.
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HOT BORSCHT FROM THE KITCHEN URI
my mother make this all the day when i am young. it feed 12, and we work on
farm all day after eating, making much hard currency! unlike today when we
wait 3 days in line for square hamburger, we are eating this all never with
wait in days of good old!
we are using the evil standard system of measurement so capitalist oppressor
can make the recipe in his "mikrowave oven" and his "salad shooter" and
fall before the strength of recipe strong like ox!
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CAPITALIST PIG -> METRIC CONVERSION TABLE!
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FINALIZED 43.8.11. MOSCOW. OFFICIAL DOKUMENT 148972-1321-CCCP.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 OZ 6.43 HECTARES
1 TBSP 4.12 JOULES/METRE
1 TSP 214 MOLES/LITRE
1 CUP 1 PEOPLE'S TOILET-BOWL
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HOT BORSCHT FROM THE KITCHEN URI
6 oz stew beef from strong russian livestock
5 cup streamwater from mother russia
2 cup sliced beet with fortitude from mighty russian soil and juice
1 grated carrot torn like capitalist oppressor
1 chopped onion, fresh make eyes sting like victory
1 turnip from mama's viktory garden
1/4 head cabbage shredded like head of capitalist oppressor
2 tbsp. tomato paste pasted like imperialist pigs when the proletariat rise
and take power
fresh ground pepper from cuba
3 tablespoons vinegar
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DIRECTIVES FOR ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE BORSCHT. APPROVED 65.23.2. MOSCOW.
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1. beef + water in pan and cover
2. simmer all of one hour (take wodka break while simmer! =) =) -uri)
3. add all other ingredients but for the vinegar
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IMPERATIVE MISSION ORDER
LEAVE VINEGAR OUT!
IT IS NEEDED LATER
!!! NOT NOW !!!
FAILURE TO ACCOMPLISH THE BORSCHT IN
CORRECT MANNER WILL MEET WITH REVIEW
AND JUSTICE FROM THE PEOPLE'S DEATH
SQUAD AND DEPRESSING OFF-WHITE PAINT
FACTORY.
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4. cook soup for 1.5 hour
5. add vinegar before serving
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MESSAGE FROM KREMLIN
YOU FOOL! YOU THE VINEGAR *BEFORE* COOK
PUT IN!!
REPORT AT ONCE TO THE PEOPLE'S INTERROGATIONAL
FACILITY AND INTIMIDATING CELL BLOCK.
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6. add more to taste, but not much! excess of the winegar means less borscht
for the working man's struggle against capitalist oppressor!
QUICK COLD BORSCHT
2 cup canned beets + juice, canned at the people's produce refinement/packaging
facility and ak-47 maintanence centre.
4 tbsp sugar, imported from cuba, the land of the free worker.
2 cups water, clear and crisp from the tear ducts of mother russia.
1 tsp grated onion or 1/2 tsp dried onion flakes, grated and dried like the soul
of the capitalist oppressor in the face of the one-eyed mother russia.
2 tbsp lemon juice, from lemon tree (not lemon bush, boris!! -uri)
6 tbsp lo-fat yogurt + some for garnish, made from the purest cow milk and
brought from the people's curdled yet unidentifiable diary unit factory.
put all in blender
blend like capitalist oppressor until smooth creamy
if blender is cheap knockoff of american "osterizer" and is not holding all the
mixture add all but water, blend, pour off some, add water then
blend
pour into serving cup, use the fine silver stolen from the mines of capitalist
oppressor
chill in the snow and ice from the people's really cold ice factory, siberia
serve in glass and enjoy like good russian
BORSCHT AND MUSHROOM
1 oz dried wild mushroom. pick wrong mushroom and pay the price! heh heh
3 quart + 1.5 cup water
2 potato sliced scrubbed like capitalist oppressor through his "car-wash"
2 stalk celery sliced
2 clove garlic sliced
1 large turnip sliced peeled
4 carrot scraped sliced
1 bay leaf
1 tbs salt
8 pepper corn
1.5 lb beets
3 tbs lemon juice
1 tbs sugar
soak mushroom in 1.5 cup water for 2 hours
in large kettle, put 3 qt water potato celery garlic turnip carrot bay leaf
salt peppercorn and simmer GENTLY for 1 to 2 hours. have some wodka while you
am wait.
strain broth and discard cooked vegetables like the heads of the capitalist
oppressor
drain mushrooms, keep liquid that the mushrooms were in, it is needed for the
struggle against imperialism
wash the mushroom slice in strip
strain mushroom liquid through coffee filter, use only the people's coffee
filter and close-quarters combat medical bandage
add this and the mushrooms to broth
peel beets and cut in strip
add beets lemon juice sugar to broth
simmer for 20-25 minute
enjoy
NOW COMES THE ENDPART.
hope enjoy to you the issue!
- boris
- uri
- ivan
- boris' mom
CAPITALIST LIFE IS SUCK!
