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In a Free Land 002
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IN A FREE LAND #2
01/25/94
An Experiment in Free Speech Gone Horribly Right
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Distribution:
This E-zine and all information within is copyright (c) 1994
Rageboy Publications, unless otherwise stated. Feel free to
quote portions, but please give credit where credit is due.
We ask that you do not alter this file in any way, mainly
because we like it the way we wrote it.
This E-zine can be found as IAFL.00x (x being the issue number).
If this file arrives at your domain by any other name, someone
fucked with that file bigtime.
*** IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER! ***
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The editors of and contributors to IN A FREE LAND will NOT be held
responsible for any misuse of the information within any issue of this
E-zine. All articles are intended for an INFORMATIONAL or HUMOROUS
purpose solely.
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Staff of I.A.F.L.:
Matt Shaw - chief editor/contributor
Netrunner - asst. editor/contributor
Jeff Hell - contributor
Q-Man - contributor
Sonic Bellboy - contributor
Means of Contact:
Matt Shaw <jim_gould@billteds.com>
Sending constructive mail (critiques, praise, differences of opinion) to
this address will get you in contact with Matt Shaw. Any letters to the
editor are also accepted (state such in the subject). NO FLAMES; any
flames will be ignored.
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Table of Contents
-----------------
2.01 .......... Welcome to Our Show/Editorial/Oops! (MS)
2.02 .......... The Mystery of Barney Rubble (MS)
2.03 .......... doc martens, the mafia, and paul westerberg (SB)
2.04 .......... "Race Traitor" (MS)
2.05 .......... racism is pointless. (SB)
2.06 .......... True Stories of High School Hell #1 (MS)
2.07 .......... Ethics Quiz (JH)
2.08 .......... White Punks On Punk (Reviews) (edited by MS)
2.09 .......... Music Quiz For The Mentally Departed (SB)
2.10 .......... Dating In The 90's (MS)
2.11 .......... Mini-Slam List (everyone)
2.12 .......... damn junies (SB)
2.13 .......... Why? (MS)
2.14 .......... An Apology (MS)
2.15 .......... The Sonic Bellboy's canadian connexun (SB)
2.16 .......... Well, G'Night, Everybody! (MS)
--------------------------------------------
2.01 Welcome To Our Show/Editorial/Oops!
--------------------------------------------
Welcome back, my friends, to the 'zine that never ends. I'm your
editor for this (and probably EVERY) issue, Matt Shaw, and I'd
like to take this opportunity to fill you in on a new
development:
We've a new contributor! IAFL recently welcomed the Sonic Bellboy to
our staff. The Sonic One's contributions to our representation of
hardcore/punk/non-conformism (i.e., people who just say "fuck you")
begin this issue.
Anyway.. before I get to the part where I express my opinion on a
chosen topic.. there was a version of IAFL #1 released in which
the articles were listed as being "3.01" and such.. that has been
corrected.
The New Year.. 1994. So far, no different than any other year.
I lived through New Year's Eve, no problem. I didn't go out. Why
the fuck should I go out, when the only parties I knew of were
thrown by a couple of fucking Esprit/Gap asylum escapees? Okay,
so one was cute. But there was no alcohol there. No chance to
get her inhibitions lowered, and -- never mind. Accidentally
showed my carnal side, which is unusual, these days.
There's one thing that I hope, I pray, and will die to change this
year: All these flannel-shirted motherfuckers who only started
wearing flannel when Nirvana hit the Top 40.. STOP MAKING TRUE
COUNTERCULTURE LOOK BAD. (I hope that none of those people I
address are reading this publication. Sorry for screaming, for
those who aren't.) True punk or hardcore isn't a defined way of
dressing; it's whatever you want. Whatever's comfortable. Who
gives a shit what the girls who work at the Slurpee stand or The
Gap in the mall think of how you dress? If you've got the
attitude that is the aura of the truly dedicated punk, you won't.
If you're just trying to cash in on a look that's been popularized
and had all meaning stripped from it by some fashion consultant
out in fucking Paris or wherever, you're not worth the eighty
dollars you shelled out for that flannel shirt. It's like
pre-ripped jeans in the '80s: you have that much money to pay
someone else to rip your jeans, what the fuck are you doing being
"fashionable"? Why the fuck weren't people like that at
cotillions, or whatever the hell those things are? If you have
$80 to spend on a brand-name flannel shirt from some cool store in
the local jock/princess haven (aka "mall"), why even pretend
you're counterculture? Go to a Young Republicans meeting; sweat
Polo; do something expected of those of your financial level.
The Sonic Bellboy had an anecdote that inspired this rant, and I
think he summed it up better than I did with this multi-page
thing. Check it out:
i saw a guy, snowboarding, with a flannel-from-stitches and
oversized-jeans-bellbottoms with a georgetown hoyas hat at the ski place
i was at. i asked him if he thought he was counterculture. he said yes.
i asked him why. he said because he listens to alternative (he named
nirvana, pearl jam and some other poser band) and that he dresses
"different", i pointed out his jock hat. "it looks cool." there's the
word that has stunted this generation. "cool." is that a "cool" thing to
be? well, this guy was a perfect stereotype, and he was the first of (i
counted) _39_ similarily dressed kemper-blorgers wearing flannel and
likely freezing in those thin cheap jeans. well, i was warm in my black
ugly nylon pants. i was warm in my hydro linesman jacket. i was
protected with my 5oo glasses and my free giveaway touque. i was happy
with my mennonite craft sale 50 cent mittens. i was warm.
i was functional. and i was not "cool."
In closing, I'd like to say to everyone else what I said to SB:
Acting "cool" is difficult. Being _cool_ is easy, if you're not a
fake, like the people I spent most of this editorial being pissed
off at, and like that one guy and his 39 clones that SB saw.
"Alternative" = "cool". Hardcore/punk/underground = _cool_. 'Nuff
said.
Enjoy the mag.
- Matt
-------------------------------------
2.02 The Mystery Of Barney Rubble
-------------------------------------
While rotting my brain watching cartoons one day, I noticed
something about the "Fruity Pebbles"/"Cocoa Pebbles" commercials.
Fred Flintstone's life's goal in these things appears to be keeping
Barney Rubble away from those Pebbles.
My question: Why the fuck can't Barney go to the store and buy some
goddamn pebbles himself?
The Pebbles aren't manufactured by Fred (would someone as non-artistic
as Fred be able to design those cool boxes?), so they conceivably must
be sold at a store.
Barney _has_ a job (evidenced by his riding to work with Fred in the
original cartoon), so he's not too much of a lazy-ass. Obviously
not.. the fool designs all these new cool ways to try and convince
Fred to give him the Pebbles. Probably spends more money on these
fucking ideas than it would cost for a lousy fucking box of cereal.
My point is that it's pretty goddamn stupid for Barney Rubble not to
make it easier on all involved, and just go shell out a couple of
fucking dollars for some Pebbles. Do I make sense on this one?
----------------------------------------------------
2.03 doc martens, the mafia, and paul westerberg
----------------------------------------------------
have you seen the good old docs these days? they are TRASH... a
pair used to last a good 3 years without falling apart, but
these - give it two months of average wear, and they fall apart.
and look at the gaudy colors - Cheri Red, Paul Westerberg Green,
Blueberry Blue, Puke Yellow, FlannelFuck Plaid, Uma Thurman Pink,
the list goes on...and on...and on...
What happened to Black 3 holes? did the mafia buy up all of the
black shoes? now there are sandals! and high heels! and ones with
patterns! and custom band-logo ones...
I say all of us revolt, burn (if you have them) your docs. let's
all buy-(shuffle in the hat) BIRKENSTOCKS! (I AM just KIDDING!)
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO WEAR! no more uniformity. the nice thing about
punk culture is that there is no "punk look" i.e. we don't all make
our hair look permawet like the Jockfucks, we don't wear Flannel
and Wool Socks.
Here's a scary thing- the JOCK'S idea of a punk:
Leather jacket with chains
Safety pin through the cheek
Doc Marten shoes
Lots of pierced locations
Colored mohawk hair
etc.
know anyone like that?
Or my little sister's idea:
(remember GEM?)
Female lead singer who screams like a banshee
Red or multi-colored hair, cut randomly.
leather jacket with a big fluorescent skirt
big belt
a lot of makeup
a "keyboard guitar"
Sound familiar?
The Sonic Bellboy
-----------------------
2.04 "Race Traitor"
-----------------------
I discovered, long ago, that talking to racist "skinheads" (notice
the quotes; these fools just rip off true skinhead lifestyles) is an
exercise in fruitlessness. That knowledge was forever cemented in my
mind when the following discussion took place between myself and a
racist "skin":
Racist : Do you support the white race?
Me : What does that entail, exactly?
Racist : You must hate all non-whites, like blacks, Orientals, Jews..
Me : Wait just a fucking second.. Jews?! MOST Jews are WHITE!
Racist : No, they're olive-skinned.
Me : Look, whatever. I refuse to hate an entire race, just for
the fact that they're different from me. Besides,
generalization is stupid.
Racist : You don't hate non-whites?
Me : Fuck, no. Look, what the fuck are you, deaf?
Racist : Then you're a race traitor.
So. I am now a race traitor, according to someone who shaved his head
in an attempt to be "cool." Because his fellow "Aryan soldiers" did
it. Non-conformism at its peak of NON-EXISTENCE. Free thought is not
a concept for the majority of these people.
Matt Shaw, the race traitor.
I argue that I am NOT a race traitor. I don't support racist
philosophies, so I guess I don't support the neo-Nazi concept of the
"white race." They're the race traitors, just like Hitler before
them; they have betrayed the race that they have forfeited their right
to be a part of.
The human race.
-----------------------------
2.05 racism is pointless.
-----------------------------
helloooooo, people. look at yourself. are you politically correct?
are you anti-racist? political correctness has stunted the most
important movement of this century. we, the WAM, are a _minority_
in a global perspective. WAPM (white american punk males) are a
minority, so i guess most of you understand the basic minority
feeling. but unfortunately, when anything is politically correct,
people overreact. look at the enviromental movement. it's overdone.
it should have been left to the small, dedicated groups (another
minority, minorities are based on _beliefs_ not _color_) but look
at the system now. _minorities_ and _women_ are being given job
preference over an equally qualified male. that is trash. so is the
new "tolerance" policy. i am not a racist. i do not try to be nice
to a person just because they are black. or anything else. i am
friends with people on one and one only basis: how much like me they
are, _inside_. my best friend (although she lives a long ways away)
is chinese. my background is mixed. most of my friends are diverse.
i have indian friends of both varieties. i have swedish friends. i
have german friends, and i have canadian friends. you see, when a
chinese person has lived in canada/us all of his life, as well as
many of his previous generations, he is still called chinese. and
people give him a racial quality. chinese, therefore from china,
therefore no speako english, therefore after my job and my girlfriend.
sorry folks, _you_ are just as or less american/canadian then they
are. you are both _immigrants_ you are both _residents_ and you are
both _racially indifferent_, as in my eyes, we have Homosapien and
we have homosapien.
--------------------------------------------
2.06 True Stories of High School Hell #1
--------------------------------------------
Ah.. memories of high school. From freshman year to senior year,
I was caught up in both the miasma of passage through adolescence,
and the process of education. And I know exactly how to sum those
years up.
IT WAS HELL! IT WAS LIVING, FUCKING, SEEMINGLY ETERNAL HELL!
But now, I can look back, and laugh. Laugh because I'm not there
anymore, and because I'm doing what I want to do while the rest of
those pitiful fuckers are toiling away at Hardee's and
bullshitting profs who just re-teach them all the grammar classes
we took in high school. But I digress. Beginning with this
issue, I'm going to regale our faithful readers with tales of my
days of suffering. This is one I call "The Whistle of The Demon".
---
In my sophomore year, I was faced with the grim fact that I was
short a couple of credits, and I got called into the
principal/administrator's office. I wasn't in trouble, or
anything, it turns out; he simply told me I hadn't taken one
class that I should have.
I closed my eyes, hoping he wouldn't say what he inevitably would.
As he uttered the words "Physical education," I cringed inwardly,
and my mind was filled with the possible torments I could be put
through by the more athletic students. These days, of course, I
would just beat the holy shit out of anyone trying such a thing,
but that's beside the point.
The usual phys. ed. teacher had taken two years off to go live in
Pennsylvania, and the school alternated replacements. Sometimes
the math/algebra/etc. teacher would be in charge of the class, and
let the kids play basketball (hey, it IS Indiana) or dodgeball, or
something. The original teacher was kind of cool; he wasn't the
kind of asshole gym teacher you usually find, like the ones that
think they're the Terminator, and just come off like a bad
impression of Schwarznegger. He was, and still is, a rather nice
guy. I had hoped that we would get a replacement somewhat like
him for our class.
No such luck. We get a guy straight from the Purdue training
camps. Physically resembled a bulldog, both in face, and in
voice. Similar temperament, as well.
The first class, there we are. Decked out in sweats and T-shirts,
etc. He comes out of the supply room, and looks at us like a
sergeant looking over his troops. I'm already thinking, "Oh,
shit. What have we done?" The first words out of his mouth were,
"I'm Mr. H.," (real name withheld, although I should have no
mercy) "I am your instructor in physical education for the next
few weeks." Sounded just like a drill instructor.. uh-oh.
The next few weeks were sheer hell. We did incremental amounts of
pushups every day. He forced us to play football, but play with a
ferocity that would have astounded a Viking. When he was teaching
us some basic basketball maneuvers, he told us to dive for the
ball, saying he wanted to see our blood on the floor. He broke us
down and tried to rebuild us. He singled out the weak and made an
example of them. It was like the first part of "Full Metal
Jacket", only we could go home and complain to each other every
day.
For my part, I was so broken down, I did everything he said. I
kept myself in the shadows; he knew me by name only. When he told
us to dive for the basketball and get some blood on the floor, I
goddamn wanted to see my blood on the floor, I was that broken
down. I began to be scared of how seriously intent I was on being
a good soldier. We began to call him "Coach". To this day, I
would rather call him "Dead And In Hell" than "Coach". As for
that, I can only hope.
Soon, though, hell's omnipresent flames receded from roasting our
backs. In other words, the motherfucker left. His last day, he
shook our hands and talked to us like we were his equal. Although
then I didn't have half the sheer balls I have now, I had the guts
to glare at him and remain silent when he said goodbye to me.
The next week, the math teacher took over the class, and let me
tell you.. he was a welcome sight compared to the fucking maniac
we had called "Coach".
---
Okay.. that's all for this one. I have a million of these, I'll
keep 'em coming.
[Sonic wanted me to mention at the end of this article that he's
still in hell. Please send your sympathies his way. - ed.]
--------------------
2.06 Ethics Quiz
--------------------
I'm sure you've seen those stupid ethics quizzes, like the ones
that ask, "Susie steals a rubber band from the supply closet. Is
this ethical, unethical, or a crime?" We at IAFL make fun of
things that piss us off, so here goes:
1. The Trix rabbit constantly attempts to deceive children in
order to get some Trix. Is this:
a) ethical;
b) unethical; or
c) a clever marketing gambit?
2. Tom the cat always chases Jerry the mouse, for no apparent
reason except pure meanness. Is this:
a) ethical;
b) unethical; or
c) monotonous to all but toddlers?
3. Lucky the leprechaun is beset by pre-adolescents always trying
to steal his cereal. The children knock down other children's
snowmen ruthlessly to get these teeth-rotting bits of sugar and
the occasional fortifying mineral. Is this:
a) ethical;
b) unethical; or
c) setting a really really bad example for the kids watching?
4. In yet another example of the consumption of cereal being a
crime, the Cookie Crook wants to have some Cookie Crisps, but
the Cop will not let him have any. So the Cookie Crook steals
some Crisps. Is this:
a) ethical;
b) unethical; or
c) showing a pattern in kid's cereal advertising?
Okay.. enough kid's commercial questions.
5. Danny Tanner, father of the "Full House" clan, is being pursued
by rabid hellhounds as he rides an old two-speed bike in a
frantic attempt to escape. The hellhounds finally catch up to
him, ripping him to pieces. A space-time warp opens up and
throws the Olsen twins (Michelle) and Uncle Jesse in for good
measure. Meanwhile, Matt Shaw makes his move on Rebecca,
Jesse's wi -- er, widow. She becomes his sex slave for as
long as he deems her necessary. Is this:
a) ethical;
b) unethical; or
c) too good to be true (in the hellhound case) and not a chance
(in the Matt/Rebecca carnal union)?
Usual ethics quizzes have no "right" answer. This one did. If
you answered "c" to any of these questions, you think on the same
wavelength as we at IAFL do. We are superior, and must band
together to execute those who answered otherwise. Long live the
fighters!
[Uh.. yeah. Actually, I wouldn't mind a "carnal union" with
"Rebecca". But that's showing my carnal side again. BTW, Jeff,
thanks for that vote of confidence. Fuck you very very much.
- ed.]
--------------------------------------
2.08 White Punks on Punk (Reviews)
--------------------------------------
SOUND:
_Human Butt_ - Rollins (MS)
----------------------
Henry Rollins, ex-lead singer of America's seminal hardcore band
Black Flag and current frontman/vocalist for his own Rollins Band,
is equally well-known for his spoken word discs as his musical
exploits. _Human Butt_, a 2-CD set of spoken-word Rollins,
manages to be funny for the most part, yet tinged with Rollins'
own philosophy and that of the characters that populate his
true-life stories.
Consider his 52-minute "Adventures of an Asshole", in which
Rollins tries not to be an asshole for the duration of an
Australian tour with the Rollins Band. Or "Smokin' The Filter",
where he recounts the tale of his first date and his subsequent
letdown. Or (my personal favorite) "Donate Your Bodies To
Science, You Fools!", in which a homeless man called Crazy Paul is
made into a legend by a still-awed Rollins.
After hearing this album, you'll crave more of Rollins'
acerbic wit and wisdom; I know I did. A definite must, in any
home.
- Quarterstick Records
_Telephone Free Landslide Victory_ - Camper Van Beethoven (MS)
---------------------------------------------------------
Ska. Probably not in the form it was meant to be played by all
those Brits, but ska nonetheless. And GREAT ska it is.. a
half-speed, kind of folk/ska-tinged cover of Black Flag's
"Wasted", a few subcultural jokes with "Where the Hell Is Bill?",
and the classic "Take The Skinheads Bowling". With the loopy
"Opi Rides Again/Club Med Sucks" and "Ambiguity Song" closing the
album, Camper Van put out one of the strongest, and most confusing
debuts of the 1980's.
- IRS, orig. Pitch-a-Tent
War Wagon - _Finnigan's Tongue_ (SB)
-------------------------------
okay, well, its my cousin's band, SO WHAT...
1992, Independant, PUNK/FOLK/CELTIC
okay, ever heard of a cheesy irish band called the proclaimers (well
ah would drink five hundred boll's and i would drink 500 more just
to be the man who dran 1000 boll's to get so roarin' drunk
(doodaloodoo...etc.))? well, think of them, with excellent clean
guitar, harmonica and other mixed in. well, its definitely not pop.
this is a great tape to listen to to escape from the monotony of
everlasting grunge and soundalike punk (even i get tired of it at
times) the guitar is played with laid back chording, with a nice
clean tube amp sound. the bass is subtly added to provide backing to
the guitar, not to blow out your speakers. there are many instruments
dropped out of the music scene incorporated... the harmonica and the
lead tambourine (a large tambourine that you can hear over the guitar)
as well as good, fly-by-you lyrics, like "Watching the rain, falling,
washing all my troubles, down the drain" and not a single word of bad
language in all of the 45 minutes of music.
Grapes of Wrath - _These Days_ (SB)
------------------------------
Okay, its old, so what?
well, this is not punk, but it has a really nice feel, like the war
wagon, only bigger, with better equipment and less celtic-folk
influence. it isn't really pop, but it isn't really anything. just
cool to listen to when you are trying to concentrate.
The Butthole Surfers - _Hairway to Steven_ (SB)
------------------------------------------
okay, well, what can i say?
okay, this is one of the early BHS tapes, the one with the cheesy
faces on the front. this is the one with no song names, just pictures.
it's great. i love it. my parents hate it. it just pounds out so
loud... that bass drum... that bass drum... ahhh.... i could just die.
i patch it thru my bass amp and knock down small skyscrapers... and
the lyrics make sense... and you can hear all of the instruments....
Sorry. There will be NO Metallica reviews this issue, or ANY
issue. If that was what you came looking for, no such luck.
SIGHT:
20/20 (heh, heh.. I kill me)
Seriously.. I haven't seen any movies lately. Too busy keeping
myself literate (i.e., reading books). What a concept.
---------------------------------------------
2.09 Music Quiz For The Mentally Departed
---------------------------------------------
What music do you like?
a) what is music?
b) the stuff in the elevators
c) shopping mall muzak
d) classical all the way, man
e) pop is defini cool...
f) i wear leather and smoke and hang out at the coffee shop and like
classic rock like steve earle and that stuff. good ole greasy
classic wrock
g) none of the above, where is grunge? *
sorry. grunge is not allowed in this questionnaire as it is not
music and fits in with disco and polka, as in "not really music"
h) Other
* Heavy metal, Rap and "alternative" fit in this section.
if you selected "other" before even looking at the other choices you
are:
(i) a poseur. if so, go back and select 'g'
(ii) a person who likes cheating on surveys. select 'g'
(iii) a non conformist. good, different is bad, therefore different
is different (i could go into more on this but... no...)
(iv) some loser trying to be cool
okay, question number two..
What is a good concert:
a) Auditorium, no seats, festival
b) moshpit-style
c) amphitheatre-seated
d) opera/orchestratic hall
e) club
f) outdoors, woodstock style
g) outdoors, lollapalooza (ick) style
okay, number three of three..
Is it alright for performers to give organic refuse to the crowd?
a) yes
b) no
c) what the hell is organic refuse?
okay, write the answers (question plus full choice) on a standard
size postage stamp (the back, stupid) in a close approximation of a
courier font, and mail it (INSIDE the envelope) to:
I Play Alone in the Dark,
C/O Willen B Whacken,
PO Box 9210, Grande Spoute,
Michigan, USA,
68010
and i will mail you an official sonic bellboy acid blotter look
alike, not my fault if it has problems with customs and you get
charged.
---------------------------
2.10 Dating in the 90's
---------------------------
Being single in the 90's kind of sucks, to be honest. Too many
nasty diseases floating around. Here's our guide to dating in
the 90's, punk-rock, throwback to 1981 style:
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
| The IN A FREE LAND Guide to Dating in the 90's |
| Heterosexual Males Edition |
| (in fact the ONLY edition) |
| by the editors/contributors of IAFL |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
Dating. Argh. One of the topics that none of us know like we
know that there's no HC scene in our local area, but we're experts
on it anyway. Trust us.
The most important thing to remember is this, and I quote Henry
Rollins: "Women are evil. Guys are morons." There are
exceptions, I just haven't met a woman who isn't evil, deep down,
and there's not a guy I know, not even me, who isn't a fucking
NITWIT when it comes down to the possibility of getting a date
with a really great woman.
THE LOGICAL PROCESSION
----------------------
FIRST: Decide which you want.. a girl, or a woman. There ARE
differences. A _girl_ will not give head, usually. But she can be
coerced into going out, if you're suave enough (and older than she
is by a couple of years). And maybe you can work from there.
A _woman_, however.. that's an entirely different story. If you go
out with a woman, she will not giggle when you make a humourous
aside.. she will laugh. And chances are, if she likes you enough,
you'll be twisting yourself into varied positions all night long,
and enjoying yourself the whole time. A woman can LAST all
night.. a girl, if she decides that you're "cool" enough, will
last for one bout of intercourse, missionary position only, and
then complain about how late it's getting, or will want to (God
forbid) cuddle. If a woman wants to cuddle.. you'll WANT to, as
well. They're that good.
A word of warning.. some girls never grow up. They'll be girls
their entire life and will make whoever's fool enough to marry
them miserable to the point of suicide. Also be careful of women,
sometimes; it's entirely possible that you may fall in love with a
woman. This is never the case with a girl, because girls are too
flighty. If you do fall in love with a woman, and she returns
your love, celebrate. Do the Dance of Joy. If she doesn't, try
to forget her. And NEVER CONFUSE LOVE AND SEX. Sex does not
equal love. (although the confusion's fun for a bit.)
SECOND: Pick the right places to go to meet someone. If you want
a nice girl, one you'll have no sexual contact with, go to church.
If you want a sweet girl who you can have good sex with and be in
love with and all.. let me know when you find a place you can meet
one of those. If you want a slut.. go to a bar, with a lot of
money to buy her a few drinks. We don't advise going with the
slut, mainly because you could end up with some horrible STD.
THIRD: When you come in contact with the female of your choice,
be yourself. Don't come on like some cool-guy jock motherfucker
if you're not. If she's not impressed by you as you are, what
fucking good is she?
FOURTH: Unless the female is obviously a slut, do not try
anything sexual on the first date. To attempt a kiss is
admirable. To ask for a blowjob or a fuck is not. They don't
like that very much, and if you try it, they certainly won't like
YOU very much. Be as much a gentleman as you can, and show her
that it's the jocks/other normals who are the Neanderthals.
HINTS THAT WILL KEEP YOU INTACT
-------------------------------
1) Do NOT drop your standards for one SECOND. If you're looking
for a girl/woman who's slim, beautiful, sweet, etc., keep
looking for her. If you start looking at the girl you saw
when you came in that made you go, "There but for the grace of
God go I.." and thinking that she's not as bad as you
thought, remember: SHE IS! She was when you came in, she is
now, and you'll want to kill yourself if you wake up next to
her tomorrow morning.
2) Scope carefully for her possible male companion. It can be a
real damper on things if you approach a really great woman and
start talking, when some caveman wearing a letter jacket from
his high school glory days taps you on the shoulder and uses
his steroids-enhanced strength to beat you senseless. Always
look carefully before you leap, and make sure there's no other
guys hanging around her. Of course, if there are, it may be
her brother, which would be just as bad if he's
overprotective. Or if THEY'RE fucking (only applicable to
really remote parts of the States).
3) Protection. Although this has been OVER-stressed by the media
and anyone else who has no business knowing your business, we
suggest that you take precautions to keep from living in fear
of dying.
REJECTION AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT
---------------------------------
Okay, first thing.. rejection REALLY sucks. Especially if she's
hot. But that's beside the point.
How to handle rejection varies, depending on your location. If
you're in church, for instance, you could simply say, "The Lord
has not led our paths to cross one another." If that response
makes you ill, we'll use another example. In a bar, you could
always just say, "Okay, cool," nodding your head slowly. Then
walk away.
Truth is, it varies from person to person. I handle it with
humor. Other people handle it with cruelty and personal attacks.
The less imaginative of the latter group frequently use "Fuck
you!" as a comeback. The more imaginative would simply go up to
anyone else trying to hit on her and mumble something about her
sexual preference/sexual history. Be creative.
DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?
---------------------
Fuck, I don't know. Sometimes. Two people who are called
"opposites" aren't entirely opposite. They could have a favorite
movie in common, or a favorite album/type of music, or something.
(I have yet to meet a female who's heard of Big Black by her own
investigation, rather than having one of her ex-boyfriends
introduce her. But that's just my experience.)
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
---------------------
Basically, be yourself and you'll do fine. if anyone has a
problem with you being who you are, tell them to fuck off. Stick
with your standards, don't hit on a girl whose boyfriend is
standing right next to her, and don't forget those little magic
prophylactics.
<END OF IAFL DATING GUIDE>
-----------------------
2.11 Mini-Slam List
-----------------------
Decided there wasn't much to slam on except things we REALLY hate.
here goes:
My supreme bitch of an ex-girlfriend, who's one of those church
christians and, for that reason, is REALLY stupid
[yes, that was mine. - ed.]
argh! no more wannabe punks who think pearl jam = punk! death to
all of them!
the area mentality which drives us to believe we must slam on
ANYTHING
times that you just can't think of anything REALLY good to slam on
--------------------
2.12 damn junies
--------------------
okay, i used to work for a dj, selling tickets. now at one dance,
we had 200 people, (i counted) 61 of which were junior highs. i was
pretty drunk at the time, but shit.. these guys were roasted. this
one girl (they were _all_ girls) was about 4'8", maybe 80 pounds,
passed out in the main hallway. she had had a half a beer. the
police pulled 11 people out, all juniors for drinking. they puked on
the steps of the hall for 2 or 3 hours before getting the shit at home
(plus a handy 185$ fine) plus 6 or 7 _narc_ charges. while i spent
the entire night beside a cop, drunk as hell for the first 3 hours,
then refreshed in the washroom and drunk again... i had a damn lot of
beer - and i didn't get charged. or even got looked at funny. or
anything. but christ... they all smoke, they all drink... hell, people
said generation x was bad... this is generation degeneration. is their
quest to grow up while still immature, so impertinent that they can
only pick up on the bad habits? most of these 10-12 year olds,
promiscuous as hell, were all dressed like a pile of sluts. tight low
cut tops, super tight jeans, clear silk shirts, like hell - i don't
see people that desperate in high school, and i have seen some pretty
bad cases.
more bitching by the bellboy of noize...
-------------
2.13 Why?
-------------
Following the recent, unintentional semi-sexist slant this 'zine
has taken in the past couple of articles (which is unusual.. I'm
just having a bad week) is this issue's "Why?", fielded by yours
truly, the editor:
Q: Why do women seem so evil?
A: (MS) Some are. Some just don't realize that lying to us isn't
cool. Some aren't at all. I'd like to meet one in that
latter category. It's pretty much just based on your
observations, and personal opinion, rather than a matter of
the woman actually being evil. However, most of the ones I
meet are REAL FUCKING BITCHES.
-------------------
2.14 An Apology
-------------------
I must apologize both to you, the reader, and to my fellow
contributors about my lack of strong contributions this issue.
Some really trippy shit's been going down, and I've been
distracted. Rest assured, next issue, I'll be my normal, ranting,
acerbic self again and you'll be howling just as much as you did
w/issue #1 and all of ANA.
----------------------------------------------
2.15 The Sonic Bellboy's canadian connexun
----------------------------------------------
Merry Fucking Christmas. This christmas i got a phone bill. it came
today. i can't wait for daddy to open it and ruin my christmas. you
see, it's over 300 dollars. i'm broke. damn. you see, in canada,
where the mighty Sonic one lives, everything costs a lot. well, for
christmas i want to get an axe, so i can axe murder my parents and
blame it on Iron Maiden. i think that that would be cool. The only
thing grease music is good for is as a fall music to blame things on.
!!! Friend update !!! well, it has been 3 months now, still no
friends. Heard a new band - Fl!pper... They are (like bodacious, man)
mildly "stimulating". very heavy. in canada the speed limit is 80
km/h. have you ever driven that slow? i don't even have my licence
(and likely never will) and even i drive faster than that... damn
amish and those damn buggys always getting hit...
i still don't see how you figure that the deal sisters are nice
looking :)
[ Well, they are. - ed. (being petulant)]
a fast list of things i hate:
tori spelling
maximus bbs system
taco bell
virgin wool
syndicated television
PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALLCAPS
(BRANCH- why are new users inclined to type in allcaps? do you forget
all of the shit they forced into your head in english on your first
message? don't fucking yell or i will come and type in allcaps with a
big hammer on your head)
the fender guitar company
my toes
UNIX computers
egyptian currency
people who are anti-asian
[ This almost went into the Slam list, but it fit better here.
I'm a purist, deal with it. - ed. ]
Okay, thats all for the Sonic Bellboy for this edition of Canadian
connexshun.
----------------------------------
2.16 Well, G'Night, Everybody!
----------------------------------
Thanks for reading. Next issue: the return of my asshole
attitude. <King Crimson's "Lark's Tongues In Aspic, Pt. I", just
before the main riff.. suspense building.>
Nods again to Sonic Bellboy, whose material basically carried this
issue. I just wish calls to Canada didn't cost so fucking much.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Brother, you'd better get down on your knees and pay,
a thousand more fools are being born every fucking day."
- Bad Religion, "1,000 More Fools", _Suffer_
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