I Bleed for This? 033

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I Bleed for This

 · 5 years ago

  

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---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------ 
------11.26.94-----------------------------------------------------#033------ 

               Before The Rape:  A Collection of Early Works 
                                by Snarfblat 

These stories prove that even at an early age I was better than you can ever 
hope to be.  They were written before grunge, MTV and Ronald Reagan had wiped 
their asses with the fabric of American culture.  If Trent Reznor was around 
in 1981 I would have been his first fan.  I was cool before it was cool to be 
cool.  I was writing these things when I was 6 years old.  They are the 
worm-infested genitals which spawned IBFT. 

Problems of a Giant 
------------------- 

     A giant has a hard time getting ice cream because he has to get some 
snow and put in the flavoring which is hard to get because it is buried ten 
feet in the ground in Africa. 

The Shadow 
---------- 

     Once there was a cat named Shadow. But the cat looked just like his 
shadow. He used to run around and pretend to be two shadows.  People who saw 
him ran away. They thought he was two shadows. 

Mittens 
------- 

     My cat is named Mittens. He is gray with white paws. When he's bad, I 
pick him up and spin him around. He has killed a bird and a rabbit in the 
past week, but he's still good. 

Forgetful Jerry 
--------------- 

     Forgetful Jerry is a brown dog with white spots. If you ask him what his 
name is, he'll tell you after thinking for ten hours.  He has a thing in his 
throat that lets him talk. 

Bla! 
---- 

     I don't like salad. It's poisonous! Sometimes it looks like it has 
little bugs in it. Nothing is worse than salad! My brother likes salad 
because he's just as bad. Salad is green and wet and awful! It's also mushy! 

Untitled 
-------- 

One day I was eating my leg 
when my brother leaned over and bit my head 
I fell off my chair and went through the floor 
and my head went rolling out the door. 

Mom called the doctor; he said, "Yup." 
but he drove off a cliff and his car blew up. 
he was in it, so he died 
that must have been a discouraging ride. 

Haiku 
----- 

Waves roll on the sand 
But they can be dangerous 
A wave drowns my cat 

The wind is so strong 
That it blew my cat to Mars 
Martians will kill him 

Untitled 2 
---------- 

     One day Gig, the gnome, came out of his igloo. 

     "I have made the greatest machine ever. it is the Stepladder-Sleigh." he 
said as he pulled a cover off of a machine. Everyone stared at it. 

     It was a sleigh with a stepladder on the back. The stepladder was used 
to highjack a gigantic raccoon. 

     Then some chimes rang, and Agide unveiled an emerald green spaceship. 
Twenty-five gnomes tried to get in it. 

     "No, don't!", cried Agide. "The green light may blind you!" The gnomes 
got out, but Scrooge pushed them back in. Then he made a grimace face and ran 
away. Then Gig took off after him in the Stepladder-Sleigh. Scrooge had only 
gone ten feet when Gig reached him, highjacked him, and stabbed him with a 
metric ruler. 

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            IBFT: If we hate you, you don't deserve to know why. 

                                Information: 
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