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I Bleed for This? 013
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---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
------05.25.94-----------------------------------------------------#013------
How To Get By When You're Just As Dumb As Everyone Else, But Uglier
by Snarfblat
In an effort to rebel against your parents, you've shoved metal objects
through your face, injected ink under your skin, and put dog shit, dye and
bleach in your hair. You're an ugly fuck and there's nothing you can do
about it. In the words of Milk and Cheese, "You morons! Tattoos aren't as
easy to forget as bell bottoms!"
Then one day you come to realize that the only things you're rebelling
against are food, housing, fun and comfort. Don't worry, there are still
options for you. True, these options suck, but if you don't like it you
should just kill yourself. Otherwise shut up and get with the program.
One job opportunity is to become a Generation-X anti-hero. This
requires some talent, usually musical in nature. However, we will assume you
have no such talent. If you are talented, but stupid, and a greedy label has
not exploited you, you probably aren't as talented as you think you are.
Your only hope is to make one dollar an hour playing in a dank, urine-soaked
train station.
It is insignificant whether or not you actually have the knowledge to
make a living for yourself. We are assuming you have mutilated your body so
badly that babies and grown men alike burst into tears when they look at you.
You have more metal than skin on your face and you think it makes you better
than everyone else. It only makes you better at sucking. You try to look
like Eddie Vedder by not washing your clothes or hair for weeks at a time.
Eddie Vedder is a millionaire, and he owes it all to your stupidity. You are
all fucking insignificant feeble-minded worms. You can't get a real job
because you have paid money to look like shit, and now you have become shit
and there's no going back. You can only hope to get a shit job. Serves you
right.
Examples:
Studied in school... but don't want to be... Try being...
English English teacher Bookmobile driver
History Historian/History teacher 7-11 cashier
Philosophy Homeless Waiter at Friendly's
Anthropology Drug Dealer Stop & Shop produce guy
Music Musician Alternative musician
Theater Actor Performance artist
CompSci Unemployed hacker Independent Security
Consultant
You get the idea.
There are also jobs that will actually let you take advantage of your
repulsive looks. For example, alternative music stores, tattoo parlors,
clubs. Aside from being a bouncer or bartender, you can actually get work as
a club-goer. Places desperate to maintain a certain image will hire freaks
such as yourself to show up every night and add to the ambiance. The only
problem is that they know you would gladly pay to go the club, so you have to
trick them into thinking that you don't always look like that. They want a
normal person who is out looking to make a few bucks ripping off the freaks.
Most likely you are too stupid to pull this off, and will continue to pay for
something that should be free. Poor fool. If only you had taken your anger
out on something other than your skin.
Become a street musician. Being a street musician is easy. Just go
somewhere where lots of people waste time. You can actually make some money
this way. Here is a pointer for you. Don't play the music that inspired you
to draw a yahtzee board on your forehead; you know Nirvana, Tool, or Stone
Temple Pilots. The idiots who like that music do not have any money! Take a
look at the 30-40ish professionals in yuppie gear holding hands walking by
you. See they had rebellion in their music when they were kids, but they
also had some common sense. And now they have money, while you have a marble
in your penis. You know what kind of music they like? Music that makes them
remember. Play Bob Dylan, the Beatles, Cat Stevens, Don McLean, James
Taylor, and the like. If you have long hair and look cute, you cannot go
wrong. Oh, and don't get me wrong. Those people suck too. But they have
money.
If you want to get your anger out, start a textfile group. Writing
textfiles requires minimal talent, is free and doesn't scar you for life,
except for that nasty Australian whore who read one of my usenet posts and
said she "would never hire you, so don't even bother to apply." Big deal.
Saggy titted kangaroo fuckers don't scare me. I'm in IBFT.
---> The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. <--
All of this is not to say that you shouldn't try to rebel against this
shithole world we are forced to live in. You must learn to do it in such a
way that lets you keep the benefits of a civilization while maintaining your
free will and pride, if you have any left after a lifetime of being raped up
the ass by MTV's oozing lumpy 12-inch. John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) looks
relatively normal today, yet he has spent his whole life shitting in the face
of corporately manufactured teen-exploiting commercial rock music. Do you
want to be like him, or do you want to burn out and die in a pool of your own
puke the way Sid Vicious did? Stupid fuck. You just don't get it. It's the
punk ethic, not the punk uniform. You toothless gravy drooling moron. You're
not fucking worth my time.
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