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I Bleed for This? 052
_____________________________________________________________________________
---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
------04.07.96-----------------------------------------------------#052------
You Stupid Fuck, You don't know DOS
by Snarfblat
If there are any cave-dwelling bear-fucking hicks out there who still haven't
learned how to use DOS, you might as well not bother, because it's going to
be obsolete any day now. But if you thirst for knowledge yet have
the IQ of wet shit, this is the book for you.
The first step is to turn your computer on by pressing the White Power
Button. Your computer will shoot up for a few minutes and then you will see
the C:\> prompt.
The first command you will learn is DIR. DIR stands for DIRarhea. You type
dir when you want to see shit all over your screen. It looks like this:
C:\>dir
Volume in drive C is REVENGE
Volume Serial Number is 1CBE-BDD2
Directory of C:\
STUFF <DIR> 06-24-94 8:10p
DOS <DIR> 03-27-94 6:16p
STORAGE <DIR> 06-23-94 6:59p
CRAPWARE <DIR> 01-27-95 12:12a
SNA <DIR> 09-19-94 10:29p
CONFIG SYS 352 01-30-95 3:13a
DUREX <DIR> 06-24-94 8:05p
IBFT <DIR> 06-24-94 8:05p
AUTOEXEC BAT 211 02-07-95 8:36p
LOMAX 2,367 02-04-95 2:53p
COMMO <DIR> 11-13-94 1:00p
ALIASES SYS 843 11-13-94 10:04p
COMMAND COM 54,619 09-30-93 6:20a
DIR IR 0 02-08-95 2:51p
35 file(s) 86,104 bytes
9,590,784 bytes free
I'd tell you what all that crap means but you're too fucking stupid to make
it anything but a complete waste of my time. Suffice to say you'll have to
use Windows, or if you're a complete peon, Microsoft BoB.
Windows is a castrating system, which means that although it takes up tons of
system resources, forcing you to spend money on RAM upgrades, it allows a
club-foot, no-balls loser like you to use a computer.
Since you insist on using DOS (Jesus Christ only knows why), I guess you
should know how to delete colonectomy entries. There are two types of
colonostomy entries: files and directories. Here is a simple way to think
about it: files are bad, directories are good. Files want to eat up your
megabitches, directories counteract this by eating flies. So you need a
proportionate number of directories to keep your files under control. A good
number is about 4,096 directories per file.
== TechSpeak - For nerds only! ==
+------------------------------------------------------+
| If you need to use 32-bitch disk axes, you'll |
| have to file with the NSA for a release of your |
| Clipper priviledges. This can be done |
| automatically if your computer has a parellel |
| government port. Ground yourself on at least 200 |
| volts, then open your Disk Carriage and pull out |
| a few Capacipotatoes. They should not be hot. |
| If they are, spray them with A.N.A.L. water, |
| available at your local CompUSA. Plug some clean |
| potatoes into the ANAL sluts and cover it over |
| with a conceptual blanket of lies. Then re-affix |
| your alcoholic motherboard to her basement |
| compartment next to the cryogenic BIOS chip. You |
| should see results immediately. |
+------------------------------------------------------+
There are a few other DOS commands, but none of them really work.
How to OutSmart the Salesmen
----------------------------
What to ask for when you buy your new system:
* Packard Fudge 486 SX
Packard Fudge is the only brand worth buying. All the other
manufacturers are owned by the same parent company, which gives 50% of
its income to pro-abortion death squads. By buying Packard Fudge,
you're making the politically correct choice.
* 100 MegaBitches of Hardware Space
Don't believe what you saw on TV - You need at *least* 80 megabitches to run
graphics programs like Adobe Eliminator and Lotus Fabricator, so you might as
well spring for the full 100.
* 100 Megs of RAM (Rape A Monkey)
RAM is smaller than Hardware Space, but you need the same amount. It has to
do with Virtual Reality. Don't feel too bad if you don't understand why.
Smoke some crack and get over it.
== TechSpeak - For nerds Only! ==
+------------------------------------------------------+
| Virtual Reality is a manifestation of your |
| computer's capacity for extended BIOS activity. |
| Plugging too many devices into your Overall Control |
| Unit can melt-down your artificial intelligence |
| buffers. To keep it from burning out, you need |
| to swap your intelligence into Virtual Reality. |
| This process can cause an ionic breakdown between |
| the hardware and the crystal reader, sending your |
| system software into UUCP overload. Unplugging |
| your monitor and jacking your RAM up into the |
| scratch sector should solve this problem. |
| Commanding your modem to dial random numbers will |
| lower the NNTP levels; monitor the blinking lights |
| for any signs of hackers dumping your VRML |
| certificate. Note: if you have a class "B" SLIP |
| comforter, you'll need to use hardcore |
| handshaking to avoid TCP concussions. |
+------------------------------------------------------+
* Spare Jumpers (10,000)
Jumpers don't cost very much, yet they are essential to your computer's
performance. Buy a lot.
* PorridgeBlaster soundcard (with gravytable prosthesis)
Unlike the old, unreliable SM prosthesis, gravytable prosthesis will keep
your soundcard running until the year 2001.
The Information Superhighway
----------------------------
If you're retarded, you may want to try using Prodigy or Compuserve.
Compuserve is the government's way of pooling all the freaks and housewives
together, creating a mailing list for radiation experiments. Prodigy is for
anyone who can't figure out how to use Compuserve. It is connected to USENET
so that you can communicate with other degenerates without alerting any real
people to your pitiable existance.
America Online is a child-porn chat line with over 3 million
subscribers. Every single one of them has the intelligence of a 5
year old, so it's a good place to stalk people or try to sell shit
products, preferably real estate. America On-Line users make a
feces-covered brick look like a Rhodes Scholar. By the time you read
this, Microsoft network will be charging $25 a month for its on-line
child-porn simulation. Microsoft net lets you use the world wide web,
so no matter how stupid you are, you can see pictures.
If after reading this you think you know everything there is to know
about how your computer works, You're Right! But that doesn't mean
you have to stop learning. Other titles include "You Stupid Fuck, You
Don't Know vi!", "You Stupid Fuck, You Don't Know Netware!" and "The
Complete Pedophile's Guide to Emacs", an interactive CD ROM featuring
those luscious information-age fuck toys, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
==============================================================================
IBFT: No matter how hard you laugh with or at it, you'll NEVER get it.
http://www.amherst.edu/~mcspinks/ibft/ibfthome.html
email: mcspinks@unix.amherst.edu
ftp://ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/IBFT The Eleventh Hour (617)696-3146
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