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Grill 011
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|\:.....:)....:)....: @=BoBoB=oBBoB=oBoBo=o=-=-=o=-=-=@
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U\ | ~~.~.~.~.~.~~ | @=B=-=-=o=-=B=-=o=-=o=-=-=o=-=-=@
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|__U________________ U @=B=-=B=o=-=B=-=o=-=o=-=o=o=-=o=@
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\ | \| - = I S S U E # 1 1 = -
\v_________________v "The few, the proud, the Mujadin"
O O
ASCii mostly courtesy of Swiss Pope
Infinitely Unreadable GRILL font-logo by Quarex, Spirit [Bobo], Ogre
exSp[JANUARY 3, 1998]QuarexQuarexSwisspopeOgredelatoyaSpiritRottenzQuarex
r G
a CONTENTS OF ISSUE #11 OF GRILL (The Zine for Assholes): h
u o
Q <1> I was always a loner, because I ate cold lunch in 3rd grade r
z <2> Grilling Onions, Part 1 t
n <3> Example of really shitty prose, made even more pathetic by its S
e computer geek literary conventions p
t <4> Scientists to Knock Local Man Over i
t <4> Herbal Essences Shampoo Rapes Woman r
o <5> Local Paladin Commits Horrible, Horrible Crime i
R <6> Grilling Onions, Part 2 t
t <7> Area Man to Stick Dick in Mashed Potatoes R
i <8> Fudgie Bear o
r <9> Girl.txt t
i <10> United States/Iraq Tensions t
p <11> Movie Coming Soon e
S <12> Rant & Rave about Random Things n
t z
rohGxerauQznettRtiripSayotaledergOepopssiwSxerauQxerauQxerauQtiripSxerauQ
@-!-* Misery, my only friend
@-!-* By - Quarex
Since Grill #10 [and the ill-fated Grill #10.29b] came out, a lot
of things have changed. I turned 19, so I can get into bars and not
drink. Ah, . . . good. . . Anyway, in addition to gaining this immense
prestige, I also began turning my handwriting into something far more
resembling runes than English. A brief low ascii summary of my changes
-- O-0, F-7, A-Delta, E-schwa, T-double-lined-T, U-V, I-1, G-6, C-[.
WHOEVER FIGURES OUT THE CODE FIRST RECEIVES EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.
Also, I became a complete loser with the release of Ultima Online, the
game which has successfully delayed Grill for over three months now.
Do any of you want to just stop reading this issue yet? I
certainly do, after that opening paragraph.
This issue of Grill is being written by a bunch of people who have
been reading The Onion [www.theonion.com] far too often, and as a result
the entire issue will read like a second-rate version of said newspaper.
But, I swear that next issue we will do something original, like making
fun of women or something.
Speaking of women, has anyone noticed that those things are
everywhere these days? I swear, I cannot go more than 50 feet in this
town without seeing a woman.
So enjoy this issue of Onion Rejects. Actually, there are at least
two articles that have nothing to do with the Onion, so go read those if
you are so inclined.
On a final note, I think we need a new GRILL ascii. I want to
perpetually do the font, but I just found out that three of our regular
writers thought that the Grill at the top was a treasure chest [raise
your hands, who else thought the same thing?], so it looks like we need a
new thingy-thing with texty-blockie-poos. So make one, or die.
And on another final note, this is the second smallest issue of
Grill to date, due to my reluctance to beat past contributors [such as
Captain Rat and Satan} with a stick and force them to write things.
@*# FFFF @*&
@-!-* Grilling Onions, Part 1
@-!-* By - Quarex
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER HOT, COLD WATER MAKE "WARM" WATER
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Scientists at the Institute of Water Safety today
stumbled onto what could be the most important discovery of the 20th
century, that hot water, when combined with cold water, create a new type
of water tenatively being called "warm" water.
This water is different from hot water in that it does not burn the
skin on contact, and from cold water in that it does not freeze the skin
on contact. Rather, this new type of water can create a pleasant
sensation, not unlike that of a "warm" day.
The millions of Americans who every day dreaded their scalding hot
or morbidly cold showers can now rest easy. This new "warm" shower will
provide an enjoyable atmosphere.
-!-
GHANA COVERED IN SHAG CARPETING
DABOYA, GHANA--In what is to be the first in an extensive series of
beautification programs affecting Africa, the United Nations today
covered the entire state of Ghana in brightly colored shag carpeting.
The purpose of this carpeting is simple, to give natives a warm place to
sleep at night, as well as to give the country some atmosphere.
"I believe this will add some excitement into this underdeveloped
country, not to mention give it the kind of classy shot in the arm it so
desperately needs," explained U.S. President Bill Clinton at a press
conference Monday.
Ashanti herder Timbotu Zambizi seemed ecstatic about the new
carpeting. "My animals have nowhere to feed", he explained. "My whole
family will die without my animals. All will perish."
Further plans to cover Lesotho, Kenya, and Ethiopia with a variant
of the classic brown scheme carpeting are well underway, and should be
complete by the end of the month.
-!-
AREA TEEN ENJOYS NEARLY ALL MUSIC
DES MOINES, IOWA--Area teen Dave Porter, long renowned for his chronic
masturbation habit, held a recent press conference to announce his
amazing outlook on different musical genres.
"I listen to just about everything," Porter explained. "I don't
like Rap or Country, though. Rap has no melody, it is just a guy talking
over drums." Porter further explained that Country was "boring" and that
the fashion in which Country singers crooned was "annoying".
Upon completion of Porter's conference, word of the scathing
critique of these genres spread quickly, shaking both the Rap and Country
music industries to their very foundations. Death Row Records, a
formerly popular rap distribution label, filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy
soon afterwards.
"We are fascinated by the effect Porter's opinions have had on
these formerly acceptable genres of music," explained Harvard Sociologist
Dr. Evan Wharton. "Porter has singlehandedly brought to the entire
world's attention that these forms of music are completely invalid."
When asked to comment on a few other forms of music that Porter's
all-encompassing likes would include, such as Spacecore, Synthcore, and
Unholy Norwegian Black Metal, Porter simply replied that he had "not yet
heard any", but assumed that he "would like them."
..! FIN !..
@-!-* SCIENTISTS TO KNOCK LOCAL MAN OVER
@-!-* By - Ogre De Latoya
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Scientists at the United States Institute of Technology
unveiled their plans to knock over local man Harry McNabb. McNabb, 32,
has been knocked over several times in recent history. Each time he was
seen getting back up.
Scientists hope to learn what could drive this man to keep getting
back up.
"We think we'll learn a lot," said researcher Marty Mulhuland, "It
may help other people who are knocked over to get back up on their own
instead of at the aid of expensive, dangerous robots."
Local officials have gone on record as being against everything good
and pure.
"We've seen Harry get knocked down before, and we don't think anyone
will be able to keep him down. In fact, he usually manages to take a
whisky drink or a vodka drink after being knocked down and getting back
up again."
The scientists, after knocking Harry down using a four ton iron
wrecking ball, plan to then cut his head in half using a band saw. They
will then scoop Harry's brains out. They think this may cause Harry some
long term memory loss, but will otherwise leave everything just as it
was.
When Harry was asked what he thought about the scientists plan, he
said simply, "I can't remember."
It is hoped that these advancs in medical science will lead to
increased levels of free speech, long term memory loss, and the re-advent
of trickle-down theory.
When asked for final thoughts on the situation, scientists said,
"Drip, drip, drip, goes the water."
#@# FIN #@#
@-!-* EXAMPLE OF REALLY SHITTY PROSE, MADE EVEN MORE PATHETIC BY ITS
@-!-* COMPUTER GEEK LITERARY CONVENTIONS
@-!-* By - Swiss Pope
*@#::: sorrow, infocom style
*@#::: by eternal sadness
you wake up with a terrible feeling ...
your apartment
you are in a dark room. the absence of light fills the room with darkness.
> turn on light
the room fills with light.
> look
your apartment
you are in your apartment. whitewashed walls elude the synchronicity
of elusive events that have transpired the night before. all that remains:
a squalid mattress. atop the mattress, a used condom, a can of sprite, & a
book of matches. a doorway leads out.
> get sprite
taken.
> get matches
taken.
> read book of matches
the cover reads:
big joe's tavern.
on the back cover is scrawled:
julie. call me. 555-1231
there are no matches left.
> cry
you cry.
> remember
you remember what happened the night before. oh, the pain.
> cry
you cry.
> out
hallway of apartment building, 59th floor
you are in the hallway. the carpet; a dirty shade of orange. the window;
plexiglass. the door to your apartment is east, the stairway leading
down is north.
> look at me
you are worthless.
> cry
you cry.
> north
staircase of apartment building, 59th floor
you are on the 59th floor. you have 58 more stairs to go down. or, you could
go south into the hallway.
> down
you trip and fall down all 58 of stairs. because you are worthless.
staircase of apartment building, 1st floor
you can go up the stairs or out through the door. there is a payphone here.
> call 555-1231
"hello?"
"uhh, hi, julie."
"oh, it's you."
"yeah, do you have time to talk?"
"no, i kinda have someone over right now."
"but julie, i love y--"
<click>
> cry
you have no more tears to cry.
> hint
you are dehydrated.
> inventory
you are carrying:
book of matches
can of sprite
> drink sprite
you drink the sprite.
> cry
[5 points]
you cry.
> out
sidewalk by street
it is raining. cars zoom by, like mechanical machines. to the west is the
door to the apartment building, to the north and south is the sidewalk
along the street. to the east, the middle of the street.
> look pathetic
i don't see 'pathetic' here.
> act pathetic
you act pathetic. no one notices. because you are worthless.
> east
middle of street
you get run over by a volvo. you die.
game over.
. .; fin ;. .
@-!-* HERBAL ESSENCE SHAMPOO RAPES WOMAN
@-!-* By - Spirit
ORANGE BEACH, FL--At 10:45PM last Sunday, Karen Ross was viciously
attacked and raped by a bottle of Herbal Essence shampoo which she had
purchased during the previous week.
"The bottle was such a smooth talker. .", said Karen, a 25 year-old
businesswoman, ". .but I began to realize that things were not right.
After using the shampoo for a few days, I found myself taking two, three
showers a day instead of one. When I came home on Sunday, the bottle
tried to get me to shower again but I refused and went to bed". It was
after Karen had gone to sleep that the Herbal Essence bottle entered her
room and violently raped her.
The hair care product, Herbal Essence, is depicted on television as
being a sexually stimulating shampoo for women with the slogan "A total
organic experience" tacked on at the end of the commerical. Although the
president of the Herbal Essence company refused to meet us for an
interview, he did happen to leave a note with his secretary stating,
"There was no indication that the shampoo was capable of such an act
during the product testing, but I can assure you that the bitch got what
she deserved".
Since Sunday, Karen has been taking one day at a time, but still
suffers from the tragic scar of rape by shampoo. She plans to sue the
company for the cost of her mental stress. "I hope that I can win this
week's upcoming trial.", said Karen, "The women of this country need to
see that shampoo, much like men, just cannot be trusted."
%%% BLOOD %%%
@-!-* LAWFUL GOOD PALADIN COMMITS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE CRIME
@-!-* By - RottenZ
DRAGONSWING, BRITANIA--Lawrence Bladesmaster, a highly charismatic
paladin, shocked his campaign party by commiting a horrible, horrible
crime Thursday afternoon in Ye Old Dead Orc's Tavern, deep in the
treasure seekers section of Dragonswing, local guards reported last
night. Bladesmaster, 20, was reportedly discussing "an offer he couldn't
refuse" with a one-eyed midget in the back of the bar when, according to
Duggan Axehandle, fellow party member, the lawful good paladin "lost it".
"I can't understand it. . ." says the loyal Axehandle, who is the
tough dwarf with a heart of gold in the party. "I mean, I'm
nuetral-good, I live by my own code and all, but this was horrifying to
see. He just stood up and started killing people."
Grimm Nightshade, another party member, agrees. "Something like
this you might expect from me. . ." the rogue commented. "If that blasted
dwarf would give me back The Pendant of Scorn, that is. I tell you, one
day when that little orc's whore is sleeping I'll. . . well, I just
can't believe it."
Sarah Goldenbow, the party's ranger, is the only one who sees it
differently. "I never trusted Lawrence. . ." Sarah said in an interview
conducted by magic portal earlier today. "Sure, he came across to most
as a trustworthy, handsome warrior who would rescue any damsel in
distress, but I saw the glint in his eyes when we'd come across a horde
of treasure. The man couldn't take the pressures of his alignment, and
he just snapped."
Bladesmaster is being held in the local dungeon pending a formal
hearing with Lord Pantine of the Paladin High Council. The Council had
no comment on the matter, but experts in the alignment field say that
there could be a stiff loss of experience handed down, and Bladesmaster
could even be reduced to true neutral. The hearing is set for the start
of the next phase of the third moon of Mistaria.
@@@ FIN @@@
@-!-* Grilling Onions, Part 2
@-!-* By - Quarex
MONGO TO KILL GANG MEMBER FOR BETRAYAL OF PACT
UNKNOWN TERRITORY, WI--Mongo, the bald leader of the gang, is set to kill
one of his gang members for betraying the pact. "We sell the drugs, we
don't do the drugs", explained Mongo.
Mongo will proceed to don his famed unicorn-horn helmet, upon which
he will impale the head of his wayward gang member. Other gang members
are expected to stay in line after this display of power.
-!-
QUAREX SET TO MAKE MOST OBSCURE REFERENCE EVER
NORMAL, IL--Quarex, editor of the famous Garage Sale Listing, "Grill",
was said to have written a story today making the most obscure reference
in known history.
"Basically, I stepped beyond the bounds of what I the readers of
Grill could conceiveably 'get'", explained Quarex. "There is absolutely
no way that anyone aside from a few very twisted individuals I know will
understand what that last story meant."
-!-
QUAREX GETS GIRLFRIEND
NORMAL, IL--Area whiner Quarex, undeterred by his long string of pathetic
attempts to obtain a mate, achieved victory today in his snag of area
crack whore Jenny "The Hammer" Kowalski.
"Basically, Jenny just really had everything I wanted in a girl.
She was attractive, and athletic. I am mature enough to get past her
crack addiction, I think we can work this out together," explained
Quarex.
Quarex was later shot to death for even bothering to write this.
-!-
BAD ENGLISH TO BECOME OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF JAPAN
TOKYO, JAPAN--"Believingly best choices for goodness for Japan," said
Emporer of Education Toko Yakamura at a press conference. "English
language speakingly raise child accurate school before."
When asked to comment on how the change would be implemented into
the billions of items which currently contain Japanese text, Yakamura
explained that Japan is "Changing language commercially with promptness."
Not all Japanese citizens agree with the new outlook. Problems
with learning the new language abound. Hasai Kotimo, a middle school
student, explained his difficulty in learning the language through very
broken speech. "Listen to me! I sound completely incomprehensible!
No-one will ever understand what I am trying to say, so long as I study
this foul language!"
This step completes Japan's leap into absorbing western culture.
^_^ FIN ^_^
@-!-* AREA MAN TO STICK DICK IN MASHED POTATOES
@-!-* By - Ghort
NORMAL, IL--Specials in the field of Thanksgiving Sociology have
predicted that area man Mike Packard may stick his dick in the mashed
potatoes during his family's annual Thanksgiving feast.
The announcement came in response to Mike having shouted "Shit, if
this gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed
potatoes!" earlier this week.
It is not known at this time why Mike uttered this odd phrase, but
many have speculated. Dr. Hannibal, of an elite research team, the
"A-Team," who promptly escaped from a military stockade, has guessed
Mike's statement to be a result of a misinterpretation of something his
mother said last week. When asked about this, a very shaken Mrs. Packard
replied, "I said something like 'This Thanksgiving, I'm going to put a
couple of Gramma's sweet potatoes with brown-sugar glaze in me.' I don't
know what caused him to respond the way he did." She then ran from the
room, sobbing uncontrollably. Another member of the A-Team, Dr. Mr. T,
postulated, "I pity the foo that don't eat my cereal!"
Still others maintain that Mike is just a sick, sick boy, bent on
fucking everyone's shit up. "What the shit?" Said Mike's sister Karen,
glowering from across the table. At this time it is not know what this
means. The A-Team is looking into it, however, and hopes to publish the
results sometime next month.
It remains to be seen if Mike will carry through with his promise
when Thanksgiving rolls around. His family is taking extensive
precautions to ensure that he does not. Extra mashed potatoes will be
prepared, and Mike will be duct-taped to a chair and left in the basement
in complete darkness. Mike's Uncle Bruce commented, "I'm not letting
that fucking psycho anywhere near the table!"
[Editor's note: Congratulations on your recent acquisition of Mr.
High-paying Job, Ghort! You beat all of us!]
>>> FIN <<<
@-!-* Fudgie Bear
@-!-* By - Spirit
At first glance, it can be seen
that Fudgie Bear is not a fiend.
But a mask of foil can easily hide
his dark secret that lurks inside.
Unknowning of his untimely disgrace
you pick him up off from his place,
and soon you find much to distaste
that Fudgie Bear has not a face.
You stare into his cholocate black
but which is front and which is back?
And when you listen to his voice
you will hear, "It's not my choice!"
"Such hell I suffer", Fudgie will say,
"Curse all of thee on Christmas day!
You will see when the sky turns grey,
that Death will come with horse and sleigh.
Through forests and mountains he will race
til reaching you to cut off your face!"
Then laughing loudly after what he said,
I mocked his plan and bit off his head.
ZZZ FiN ZZZ
@-!-* Girl.txt
@-!-* By - RottenZ
EX-BOYFRIEND WANTS YOU BACK, SAYS HE'LL CHANGE
YOUR TOWN--In a press conference early Wednesday morning, Carl Makearl,
your estranged ex-boyfriend and general creep, announced in an
unparalleled statement of heartbreak and loneliness, detailing a point by
point plan to win back your heart. The statement, read by Mr. Makearl's
lawyers, claimed that he would do "anything to get you back, baby,
anything."
Sources close to Mr. Makearl's camp claim that he is serious about
winning your heart again, despite the fact that you've filed a
restraining order against him. "She's a sweet girl, but she'll probably
blindly run back to him like she always does. . ." one of your good
friends, who asked to remain anonymous, said yesterday. A response to
your loser ex's statement is expected from you later today.
-!-
CUNT PROUD TO BE LAST "TRULY OFFENSIVE" WORD
AUSTIN, TX--In a competition taking place in Austin today, long time
taboo word "cunt" raced past assfuck and jizzlicker to be named the
number one offensive word in the English language. During a
post-competition ceremony, Cunt claimed that it was the last truly
offensive word.
"You don't see people blushing or frowning too much at all
anymore. . ." A joyful, teary-eyed Cunt said. "But if you bring me up,
you'll get all kinds of negative reactions. That really means a lot to
me." After the speech, Cunt was awarded a medal and plaque in honor of
its complete rankness and disgusting nature. A dinner for Cunt will be
held at the Lyon's Club later this week.
-!-
[Editor's note -- RottenZ wrote three articles for this issue of Grill
that were, within two weeks, appearing in the Onion, albeit in a
slightly different form. This story, too, somewhat appeared in a recent
edition of the Onion, but it still warranted inclusion]
EVIL WINS
EARTH--In an unprecedented move earlier this week, Evil shocked experts
by rushing past Good in complete and utter victory, leaving the reminants
of the side of Good broken and bloody at Evil's feet. Experts had always
assumed that the battle between Good and Evil was never ending, but that
theory died with most of the experts early yesterday morning. Sources
close to Evil said that they were just getting "fed up" with the whole
ordeal, and that maybe it was actually time to do something about the age
old stalemate.
"We were just tired of Good's constant whining," said Jim Thorton,
secretary of Evil, in a press conference celebrating the victory this
afternoon. "So we finally rose up and basically smashed all their skulls
and ripped out their eyes. Oh yes. Many genitals were gashed into gore
by these hands over the last few days."
Good's last ditch effort, the solitary voice of one girl singing a
song of joyous hope and harmony to the encroaching Evil army, failed
miserably. The girl was apparently eaten. Evil will detail its new
system of horrible and cruel rule with no hope of salvation in a press
conference tomorrow.
*!#$ FIH!#(# $*
@-!-* United States/Iraq Tensions
@-!-* By - Quarex
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Emotions flared today in the White House as Bill
Clinton completed his latest sortee to Terra, only to find that all the
colonists had been taken a few minutes earlier by Saddam Hussein.
"This is a major setback for the American People," explained
Clinton in a press conference soon after the chilling discovery.
"Without colonists, we will be unable to procure the precious fuel ore,
organics, and equipment we require to flourish in this cold universe.
This is to say nothing of the fighters we will lose due to a lack of
population."
Iraq's response came in the form of a galactic announcement,
reading simply "The Stardock is in Sector 393". No word from the U.S.
camp as to how this information can pertain to the situation at hand.
The United States did strike a heavy blow earlier, however, when
Tariq Aziz's Taurean Mule was DESTROYED by some mines in sector 84.
Purportedly, Aziz had been speaking to the old trader at the Stardock
shortly before his death, it is unknown at press time what he may have
learned.
A recent gallup poll showed some startling figures.
Rank Alignment Corp Trader Name Ship Type
--- --------------------- -- --------------------- ----------------
1 18,281 47,372 1 Bill Clinton Merchant Cruiser
2 10,933 -182,002 2 Saddam Hussein Corporate Flagship
3 7,112 -10,381 2 Tariq Aziz *** Escape Pod ***
4 4,029 4,922 1 Madeline Albright Scout Marauder
5 32 1 ** Casper Weinberger # Ship Destroyed #
*#* FIN *#*
@-!-* Movie Coming Soon
@-!-* Story by Film Journalist [Spirit]
Dedicated fans of Previously Released Movie and Other Movie are eagerly
awaiting the coming of Movie. Movie, directed by Director
and starring Actor is expected to be out by projected date. Production
Company is hoping that Movie's sales will fall around estimated gross
income. With the costly construction of a 120 foot thing and the
extremely expensive special effect, Movie will have to do at least that
well.
Many are anticipating director's vision of Movie's script. Movie depicts
the true story of Person, who is played by Actor, and Other Person,
played by African-American Actress. The script was conceived by writer
and deals with conflict which ultimately leads to resolution. Story
takes place in area during time period which reflects a period of
distinct emotion. "Actor plays the role very well", commented Director,
"he will surely win the audience over with distinguishing, positive
characteristic".
With the upcoming release of Competing Movie, Movie is planning to push
production to make it to theaters in release area first. However, sales
of Movie's CD soundtrack entitled, "The Soundtrack to Movie", is already
doing well. Featuring hit songs by Musical Artist and Old Musical
Artist, Movie's soundtrack has held the top position on Music Chart for
the past amount of time. We will see if Movie does as well in expected
upcoming review.
``` '1'1 ILU341l87 LK!O*7
@-!-* Rant & Rave About Random Things
@-!-* By - Quarex
Today in the RANT BOX, we have a lot of things that have been either
pissing me off or making me giggle lately. We will start off with the
most obvious, considering the time of year it is, that being drinking on
New Year's Eve.
Okay, I can understand why you would want to end the year by not being
totally in control of what you were doing. But why would you want to
start off the new year realizing that the last thing you did the year
before was be a complete idiot, foregoing any progress you may have made
in the year? THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION AT ITS
FINEST. I QUIT.
+ - + - + - + - +
Though not a lot of commercials have pissed me off lately [except, of
course, for Apple Jacks, but we all know how I feel about those], there
are one or two that stick out in my mind as being the most awful
bullshit I have ever seen.
One such example are the ever-present commercials for the Army, going
something like "This is for my dealer, who taught me to never accept
anything but the best shit". I suppose it is okay for some people to
think that the Army somehow makes you into a better person, but examine
the facts.
Even in the commercials, the fact that you no longer have any free will
is clearly demonstrated. Why is a lack of free will a good thing,
again? We, as Americans, are apparently supposed to strive to finally
reach the point where we will do anything for an idiot with a few more
stripes on his jacket.
"The military taught me tolerance and respect!" yell some. In that
case, why is it that males in the military are twice as likely to be
alcoholics, as well as commit domestic violence? Does that sound like
tolerance or respect to you?
Do not even MAKE me start on those army uniforms. TACKY, TACKY, TACKY.
+ - + - + - + - +
MTV is complete fucking trite, we all know that. However, they
recently unveiled a show called "Cartoon Sushi", which is somewhat like
Liquid Television, the last redeemable show on MTV [aside from
Headbanger's Ball}. This is a good sign. However, the fact is, Puff
Daddy appears on the channel more often now than the MTV logo itself
does.
Puff Daddy, aka "The Least Talented Man", has been influencing every rap
and R&B artist in the scene to produce even less interesting material
than they were churning out before. He even managed to make Mase,
probably the most boring human being in the western hemisphere, a star.
The boring style of rap was introduced by Notorious B.I.G., and has
slowly been perfected by Mr. Daddy and Mase. If only bands like Wu-Tang
Clan and artists like Busta Rhymes were as popular.
Meanwhile, the first good MUSIC I have heard on MTV in ages is ruined by
Sheryl Crow singing over it. Just try singing "I'm ugly and I can't
sing" along to her Tomorrow Never Dies song during different parts, and
you will find that it always fits.
Also, if you ever see the Notorious B.I.G. video "Hypnotize", be sure to
sing along "I'm so fat that I can't get up", which also works well.
+ - + - + - + - +
Time for PUNS.
What do Misfits do to have fun?
Go danzig.
Okay, maybe I should just quit now.
What is the determining an after-dinner snack's flavor called?
Testament.
What did the English guy say when he found the way to drain the tub?
Earplug!
Hey Drew, you know what, you need to stop.
Okay, only because every word I see I have already made a pun out of.
+ - + - + - + - +
I recently spent about five straight weeks listening to every CD I own
in alphabetical order. In that time, I only eliminated around 30 of my
CDs due to their inferior quality. My question to all of you is, why
did I bother mentioning this?
+ - + - + - + - +
BACON!
LEIPZIG!
+ - + - + - + - +
Now that Windows 98 is on the horizon, it is time once again to ask
ourselves if we want to stand for all this. I demand a more creative
name than Windows 98, and will not buy it until I get one. I liked the
beta names for them, such as Chicago and Memphis. Those would be good
operating system names. Windows 3.11? Windows 95? Windows 98? How
about operating system names like SEAWEED or BLUDGEONING INSTRUMENT?
Yeah, there you go.
+ - + - + - + - +
You should all try reading a book the next time an urge to watch some
awful T.V. show like Seinfeld or ER hits you. If you are so inclined to
watch awful T.V. such as Seinfeld or ER.
I mean, Seinfeld and ER are not nearly as awful as shows such as
Friends, Melrose Place, or Days of Our Lives, but I can only assume that
someone who was intelligent enough to know how to read would find no joy
in those shows, thus people who watched those shows would be unable to
read Grill [though watch for Grill on tape, coming soon! I am lying!}
+ - + - + - + - +
Why do I keep putting this cigarette into my mouth? I think that people
honestly start smoking just because they enjoy the sensation of having a
phallic object sticking out of their mouth, for all those times when
they are unable to have a real phallus sticking out of their mouth.
I mean, surely people would not start smoking for that great "rotting
fig newton" taste or the "teeth to charcoal" effect.
+ - + - + - + - +
After playing the game "Fallout", and being reminded of the game
"Wasteland", I really think I want to go out and buy a gun. I suppose
the only problem with this plan is that the kind of gun I want will not
exist for another hundred years, even if it ever does exist.
+ - + - + - + - +
I want to know why this preconceived notion of pure people such as
myself seems to exist. Just going to www.armory.com/tests and examining
the purity tests there will show that they consider people like myself
[with my lofty high-80-percentile purity} to be pure because we are
completely ignorant, not because we fucking WANT TO BE FUCKING PURE
FUCKING. FUCKING.
PETER PANFUCKINGTERA.
+ - + - + - + - +
To go along with that last bit of hate, I realized the other day that I
am slowly becoming the perfect Christian man, since I basically follow
all the Christian virtues, though in my own warped way. Of course, I
still want to shit on God's face and rip Jesus up with a chainsaw, but
at least I exemplify what their religion considers a good man.
+ - + - + - + - +
This issue of Grill was supposed to be out in late September of 1997.
However, when I slightly procrastinated on September 30, and was met
with Ultima Online in the mailbox the next day, I should have realized
that Grill's future was temporarily doomed.
The fact that Grill #11 is coming out at all is a surprise, since right
now I would be playing Ultima Online were I not getting some pretty bad
lag on my favorite server.
Ah, unhealthy addiction, how I love thee!
+ - + - + - + - +
One more thing, for all of you people with spines out there. If you
change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a
chance on me. Take a chance take a chance take a chance take a chance.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Contributions to Grill (hahahaha) can be sent to:
HEAD ASSHOLE:
Quarex - Quarex@ilstu.edu, or Skull@ilstu.edu, or Drewcifer@ilstu.edu. .
Any comments about their material can be sent to:
ASSHOLE WHO GETS THINGS DONE:
SwissPope - swisspope@respect.obscurity.net
--
ASSHOLE WHO DOES NOT GET THINGS DONE:
RottenZ - tomahawk@dave-world.net
--
ASSHOLES:
Ogre - jmbaker@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu
Ghort - ghort@ice.net
Spirit - spirit@dave-world.net
(Or, you could complain about them to me, see if I care. . .)
All material contained within this text file in its entirety is
copyrighted. No part of it may be used in any other text file, archive,
thing, thingy-ma-bobber, thingamajig, thingie-doo, bishop, bischoff, or
bitch up [x-ref: smack my} without express-written consent of ME!!
AND I AM QUAREX! ALL HAIL QUAREX!
This, the 11th issue of GRILL, was finished around January 3, 1997.
REPLACE THOSE UNSIGHTLY STRETCH MARKS WITH SCORCH MARKS.
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