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Greeny World Domination 107
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w _____ ____ 1 000 777 "Texas" w
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G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 7 issue #107 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 7 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
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I figured it out. I've always been happy to be a Texan. I was thrilled to
see the @ Texas entry on Zoes. I've often times threatened to beat people to
the floor for slandering my Texas heritage (the steers and queers joke I came
upon so often in the army), or at least fuck them and let them decide.....
Yes brothers and sisters, I have been one of those fuzzy toothed zealots, with
my mad glinting eyes and my large sharp rock always at the ready to defend the
great state.
Of course, I never really knew why. That is one of the perks of unwavering
faith: One need not question it unnecessarily. Texas is the best. Source?
Shut the fuck up or I'll poke your eyes out. That was the extent of my
thoughts on the matter.
Well pardners, I figured it right the hell out this weekend. I went on a
three day camping trip to Lake Allen Henry here in the panhandle, near Post
(Go Antelope Whatthefuckever). Texas being the great state that it is, dammed
a canyon and filled it with water so that we Texans could go there and boat
and ski and camp. It was there that I learned the true meaning of Texas.
Texas wants to kill you. Yes, you. Me too, and everyone you have ever loved.
Everything out in nature in Texas is equipped with thorns or spines or fangs or
pointy teeth. The bugs go straight for your tender moist eyes with the
stingers dripping with venom. A trip to relieve yourself turns into a cactus
spine endurance trial as the native plant life tries desperately to rip out a
chunk of your flesh. Oh yeah, cactus produce food via photosynthesis. My
ass. Tell that to the festering sores on my calves. Cacti will eat you.
Stroll by a harmless rock and prepare to hear that rattling sound that
everyone in Texas knows. Yup. Snakes. Lots of them, and they all want you
to die.
Even the cute wildlife is out to get you. Should one enjoy equine activities
(riding with saddle, not donkey shows), one could ride all across this vast
land. Right up till your horse breaks a leg in a prairie dog burrow. Hell,
if you don't break your own leg by just walking around. And, you will note
that animals or people that are downed by the dawgs tend to fall right next to
their burrows which are loaded with plague bearing fleas who, yes, want to
kill you.
Even where man tries to claim dominion over This Great and Violent Land Texas
will try to kill you. Just ask anyone who has navigated 635 in Dallas during
summer heat.
It's really no wonder Texans love weapons. If anyone lived in this state for
more than a month they would know not to leave the house without a large
caliber handgun or at the minimum fnords' enormous chinese bladed whacking
stick to prevent your family from being murdered by rampaging mesquite bushes.
And Texas features varied and exciting forms of doom. Plants and animals and
tornadoes and hurricanes. A state this large can't be limited to one or two
types of natural disasters. Nope. Nuh-uh. I thought Austin might be out of
the tornado belt. Hah. The horrible winds will take you. Bet on it.
It's the variety that gives us the one up on the other states.
Cali: Blackouts that will make you stub your toes, maybe riots.
Arizona: Ooooh. It's hot. I might die from the heat. That pegs about a 2
on my Give-A-Shit-o-Meter
Virginia: Maybe an excess of history. I'm not even sure they have anything
larger than a squirrel there.
Maine: Maple trees fall on you after all the syrup has been drained to
supply Texas' enormous pancake hunger. w00t!
Nevada: Can't even kill you. The best it can do is take your money and
cause you to go to your home state and kill yourself. This is the
lazy Mexican of states.
So, to conclude because I am tired and smell bad after fighting against Texas
for three days:
Goddamnit, this state r00lz. Any state that will keep you on your toes this
much without you even really noticing is bad-ass. It makes you into a
survivor, guaranteed to be able to beat the living shit out of any of those
candy ass debutantes from the "Old South" or those Yak farmers from the chilly
northern regions. Hell, even the food will kill you. Guess who produces more
beef than anyone? Texas. Huge lumbering hormone injected beasts guaranteed to
clog your pump.
So stand tall, carry at least one edged weapon or large bore pistol and
whenever one of those snooty pickle gangsters from one of those "tiny" states
tries to talk shit about Texas ask them "Oh yeah? When was the last time your
state tried to kill you?" And then kick them in the balls and have marital
relations with their pasty significant other to spread the iron clad seed of
Texas.
I have to go. Their is a coyote here trying to steal one of my rifles.
fj
System Administrator with too much time on his hands.
____________________________
What the fuck is that and why is it trying to lay eggs in my skull?
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Issue#107 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI fastjack/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :SUPREME BEINGS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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