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Greeny World Domination 067
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e ,
I n c o r p o r a t e d
Presents:
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_____ ____ _| |__| |_ 666 777
// | \ |_ __ _| 666 777
|| ____ | || | | | | | 6666666666 777
|| || \ / | || | _| |__| |_ 6666 6666 777
\\___// \/\/ |____/ |_ __ _| 666 666 777
|__| |__| 6666 6666 777
666666666 777
"Make Room for Millennium Baby" by Ron Callari
----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue #67 -----
----- release date: 05-25-99 -----
[This is being released a little later than intended. Apologies all around.]
Move over Boomer, they're arriving in millions and packing an attitude!
During the ides of March, or perhaps on April Fool's Day, 1999, there will be a
lot of hanky panky going on in this world of ours. In the race to conceive the
first millennium babies, couplings should reach an all time high. Birthing the
first offspring of the new millennium will be a goal of many a parent. Their
connection to this auspicious moment in time will be a way of differentiating
their heirs from all us ordinary folk (those of us who had the misfortune of
being children of the 20th vs. 21st century; the last progeny of the 2nd
millennium vs. the first pioneers of the 3rd).
Forget the fact that American parents will lose their 1999 tax credit, these
90's mommas and papas have their eyes on the future. A definite distinction will
emerge between those that reach Planet Earth on December 31, '99 at 11:59PM and
those that wail their first tune at 12:00AM, '00. The babies of y2000 will be
credited with an achievement that they had nothing to do with. It fact, kudos
should be given to the parents for coinciding a timely push with the ticking of
the clock on the wall. With one swift jolt, from uterus to first gaping breath,
these unsuspecting neophytes will be initially unaware of their uniqueness. But
suffice it to say, their dramatic entrance will forever shift the attention away
from the baby boomers, the last major population trend-setters. Even the
McCaugheys' septuplets will take a back seat to this newly-sprung crowd.
And in anticipation of their arrival, stories are already circulating about
their VIP status. In Beijing, rumors abound that the WHO (World Health
Organization) will give preferential treatment to babies born at 00:00:00 in the
Year 2000. Consequently nubile Beijing women are planning a millennium baby in
every pot! A subsequent report finds WHO trying to find the culprits WHO started
this buzz.
Parents with a sense of drama will look for ways to underscore these births. On
December 31 some will be checking into suites at the Millenium Hilton (a hotel
that doesn't even know how to spell the word millennium). Others will visit the
newly named island of Millennium (claim to fame: island closest to the
International Date Line and the first location and best vantage point to see the
first dawn of the new era). By the way, this parcel of land is uninhabited,
allowing for not just the birth of a millennium baby, but the first Millennium
Island baby ever. (Somebody ought to consider maternity wards with padded cells
for this last group). Or if they really wanted to mark the occasion, one could
theoretically celebrate a millennium birth three times on a transatlantic
Concorde flight: once in London, once in mid-air and once in NYC.
A recent forecast estimated 3.9 million American children (now that's a lot of
pampers) to be born in the year 2000 (give-or-take a few thousand, after some
are dropped on their heads as a result of the y2k bug shutting down our
electricity). And since the life expectancy is doubling from the last turn of
the century, some 70,000 are expected to live to 2100. So, not only are we
going to have to deal with their egocentricity, (my god) they're going to be
under foot for a long time.
On the blessed event eve, you can be assured that you will not miss one second
of this media coverage. Camera crews from all major networks will be swamping
maternity wards and standing with stop watches waiting for these little
sons-of-guns to commence their pompous procession into our everyday lives.
Parents will be divided into two camps as to what to call these little
creatures. Millennium-atics will most likely gravitate toward Biblical names
like Isaiah or Jeremiah, whereas, the other end of the spectrum will be
selecting futuristic monikers like Skywalker and Leia (euphemistically called a
MAP, i.e. a Millennium American Princess).
Their education will be the most expensive ever. Harvard is estimated to rise to
more than $320,000 in tuition by graduation year 2022. And by that time,
designer babies will be the order of the day. Yes, our millennium babies will be
of the age to procreate on their own; and what better way to bring new life into
the world than to code your own gene pool. Like the selection of a new pair of
blue jeans (no pun intended), our narcissistic millennium innovators will be
deciding on specific personality traits for their little ones. Instead of 'one
pill will make you happy, this pill will make you small,' think about a gene for
risk-taking, one for patience and another for guilt. That's right, Moms will be
Moms! After all, in their maternal need to 'push all our buttons,' all the
modern millennium Moms will have to do is 'install' them!
Yes, Millennium Baby will bear special focus for years to come. Their every move
will be documented, their psyches analyzed, their scandals exposed, their music
favored, their politics voted on -- hey, wait a minute, didn't we all go through
this once before? Yes but, fellow Boomers, we are much older and wiser now, and
ready to step out of that Big Brother spotlight. It's been a long road to hoe
and an arduous task always being the center of attention. It's time to pass that
gauntlet along to the new kids on the block -- and see how they like it!
Regards,
Ron
http://www.y-two-k.com
a y2k webzine with a different point of view.
http://www.roncallari.com
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"THE EVIL CHILD MUST DIE" - note on a rock thrown through a window in the film
_Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers_
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-+- F Y M -+-
GR33NY LIK3S mash3d p0tat03s
MORE THAN FIVE YEARS of ABSOLUTE CRAP! /---------------\
copyright (c) MCMXCIX Ron Callari :FIGHT THE POWER:
copyright (c) MCMXCIX GwD, Inc. : GwD :
All rights reserved - ISSN 1523-1585 \---------------/
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